YES I am happy for all of you but... (rant)

IRR · January 2013

Really, those of you who just got/ are getting home study approved in the last 4 months and are already matched/parents etc, I really don't like you right now. Who else is in my camp, that I have been Homestudy approved for 11 months, had a horrible failed match that wasted 6 months of my life and I am now starting from scratch. Misery loves company. Sometimes hearing the wonderful stories on this board makes me really sad. (Lafayette Girl you are excluded because I have been following you since I have joined the boards and I am super psyched for you and your DH).

crene84 · January 2013

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. It breaks my heart. There was a point in time, when I was following your match, that I was jealous of you. It's posts like these that make me wonder if I shouldn't be on this board anymore. We had a ridiculously insane adoption story, got very lucky. I did go through a lot before that and I worked hard and made certain choices to try to get our match quickly, but a lot of it was luck, God, whatever you want to call it. When I was TTC, I cycled with 2 other girls and both of them got pregnant, I didn't. We all have this pain, but in the end, it all works out. Hopefully 2013 holds something great for you.

lafayettegirl · January 2013

I feel your pain, hon. I wish there was something to say that would make it better. I still have lots of pain from a couple of the matches we tried to make and from watching so many folks (including one of my best friends) get homestudy approved and then matched in an instant.

You have every right to be frustrated and jealous and angry and anything else that comes to mind. I had to remind myself every once in a while not to visit the board because feelings were raw.

Telling you that everyone has their time doesn't help either. So I will tell you that I (a) totally get you, (b) will pray for you (even if you aren't a praying gal) and (c) know that these feelings you have will come and go - so I hope you have more days of going than coming, if you know what I mean.

And thank you for your support - it means the world!!!

elissaann26 · January 2013

I'm really sorry. It sucks.

I'm not homestudy approved or any of that, but I feel like I can related. After fostering two sweet boys last year for 6 months who were reunified with family, we are now *stuck* in the land of indecision of how to grow our family. It has been really hard for me to be active on this board because I'm jealous that so many people have picked their path. And I'm really angry that we can't make up our minds. Ugh!

I know we aren't in the same situation, but I'll be your misery buddy!

orange1414 · January 2013

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. We've been approved for a little over nine months. It is hard sometimes to see other people get matched quickly, but you have to keep believing that your baby will find you--and no one else's match has any baring on that. If it helps at all, I know that the average wait at my agency is 15 months. That means that most people (at least where I am) are waiting longer than a year. The quick matches that sometimes happen on this board may paint a skewed picture. ((hugs))

silliestbunny · January 2013

Clearly I am not currently in your position but I was for a LONG time. And I harbored resentment and jealousy... and I felt awful about those feelings. It sucks. The pain of failed matches and placements suck. There's no way around it.

I am so sorry you are feeling it now... I'd like to say it gets better and easier... but it didn't for me (honest here). Another honest statement, other matches and waits were not full of joy but instead had hints of cynicism as I waited. It's so hard.

Hang in there...

lizlemon2 · January 2013

I am sorry. Hugs.

It took us a long time to get approved, and there was a lot of red tape because of me working for the Department. I would feel both happiness and jealousy when someone from our adoption class was matched and placed, and could take immediate placements. I have been there, but we have a happy story now. I hope you get yours soon.

waiting2bamom · January 2013

I can totally relate, we started our adoption journey 4 years ago, and have nothing to show for it. We had a failed match 5 months ago and it still stings, but no movement from our agency. It's hard to watch quick matches and not feel frustrated. Since it's been so long for us, we wonder if it'll ever happen. But, I'm hoping for all who haven't been matched yet, that 2013 will be our year! Hang in there, they don't call it the adoption roller coaster for nothing!

CaptainSerious · January 2013

I've been there. It took us 2.5 years to find our way to M. At the end of that long road, I was in agony, and no one outside the posters on this board who also had excruciating journeys understood. For the first time in my life, I experienced burning jealousy, and I just wanted all the people who came to the board, had a fast process, and were holding their children in under a year to just stuff it! I'm sure my anguish came through in the curtness and bitterness of some of my posts, and I needed to fully experience in those emotions.

So, I know you probably don't want to hear from me because of where I am now, but please know that the wait is not in vain. Your child will come to you. I used to roll my eyes really hard when I heard adoptive parents talk about how they just knew that their kids were meant specifically for them and that's why they had to wait, but in my case, that's true. I feel like we were lead to M and J, and that God knew we would be able to provide for their needs and they would fill the whole in our lives. I hope the same type of situation and realization is out there for you, and when you finally meet your sweetheart, this wait and pain will melt away.

kmkaull2 · January 2013

Your feelings are normal and I'm sorry you are hurting right now. Just know there are many who walked before you who are thinking of and praying for you, and all waiting parents.

Wishing your brighter days ahead.

annalisel · January 2013

Hugs. Jealousy gets us all sometimes.

We're not homestudy approved yet, but we've been told an 18-24 months wait is typical. We are not looking forward to this part.

IRR · January 2013

justplanelove:

Your comment makes me feel un-welcomed & like I don't belong on this board. I know you said it was a rant, but I guess if it bothered you that much that you had to write about it, I'll refrain from posting & move along so that you can get the support you need from the board.

Justplanelove - I am not sure why you are feeling singled out by my post. I would hate for you to leave the board because I am having a bad day and posted a rant. I was just asking for others in my position to see if anyone was feeling the way I was and as I stated in my subject line "YES I am happy for all of you", I would feel terrible if you left the board based on my post, and I personally apologize that you took it so personally. My intent was not to make anyone feel bad that they are having such great success, but to find others who at the moment are not.

crene84 · January 2013

IRR:
justplanelove:

Your comment makes me feel un-welcomed & like I don't belong on this board. I know you said it was a rant, but I guess if it bothered you that much that you had to write about it, I'll refrain from posting & move along so that you can get the support you need from the board.
Justplanelove - I am not sure why you are feeling singled out by my post. I would hate for you to leave the board because I am having a bad day and posted a rant. I was just asking for others in my position to see if anyone was feeling the way I was and as I stated in my subject line "YES I am happy for all of you", I would feel terrible if you left the board based on my post, and I personally apologize that you took it so personally. My intent was not to make anyone feel bad that they are having such great success, but to find others who at the moment are not.

I have to agree with Justplanelove. I realize this was you venting, but I've already been wondering if I should stop posting as I've seen a few comments/posts like this. TB has been a huge source of support for me though, so I would hope that I can continue to be a part of it.

CaptainSerious · January 2013

I'm not IRR, and she just answered this herself, but here's my response:

Even in my worst moments, I never once wanted posters to go away. If I needed a break from them, I went away for a little while. This board is such a big support and too important to people going through the process or raising children who were adopted for posters to to drop-off once they have their children. First, who would pass down their experiences and knowledge?

Second, raising children who were adopted often comes with its own set of challenges. We all need support and advice going forward, and I, for one, don't think splintering the board into in-process and adoptive parents would be helpful in any way. I think it's important for prospective adoptive parents to see what adoptive parents are dealing with.

Blsd4given · January 2013

jalara48:
And one final point, when my time comes I will celebrate my quick home study or quick referral as much and as loud as I want. I've been through hell on my road and I will deserve it when it happens. Just like you will. Just like any other person will. I will not quiet my long-awaited celebrations. No one she feel like they should. No one. But your post implies otherwise.

And you should celebrate as loudly as you want.... Why can't she do the same with her disappointment/frustration/jealousy? She wants support as much as you will want the celebration. Her feelings are just as real and valid as yours will be.

Should she have directed it specifically at the quick successes on the board? Probably not... Probably should have been more generic. But, all in all, she just wants support and to know that she's not the only one struggling...... She shouldn't be made to feel like she can't voice those feelings - preferably with a less aimed approach as to not hurt the successes on the board, I'm sure.... Just like you don't want to be made to feel like you can't voice your success.

This board is for support, right? Not just P&R?

And.... She did apologize..... And said she didn't want anyone to leave because of it.

IRR · January 2013

CaptainSerious:
Even in my worst moments, I never once wanted posters to go away. If I needed a break from them, I went away for a little while. This board is such a big support and too important to people going through the process or raising children who were adopted for posters to to drop-off once they have their children. First, who would pass down their experiences and knowledge?

I couldn't agree more.

amm78 · January 2013

Our journey has been tough. Home study approved for 2 years, renewing again this month... In 2 years we've been contacted almost 40 times, at least 25 of them have been scammers. One failed match with a horrible financial scammer. It's hard and it stinks. I just try to remember that it won't be like this forever. Or, at least I really hope it won't.

cogbot · January 2013

I'm there with you. Recent posts about matches no longer make me feel encouraged. Instead, I wonder "What the hell is wrong us!? How come we haven't been chosen!?" I hate that I'm feeling such jealousy. I feel guilty for not being happy for others. I'm overwhelmed with all sorts of yuck. My mind knows that my prayers are heard, but I can't help but be angry with God. I don't want to feel this way but I have to be honest with my feelings. I feel like He's ignoring me, and I don't like it one bit. whew... I guess I needed to vent

dholsapp · January 2013

Even though I am not in your position anymore, I still 100% remember having those same feelings. Our lawyers have a website with AP profiles and every single night I would check to see if families had been chosen ahead of us. There were certain couples that it really hurt when they were chosen before us because in my eyes we were obviously the better choice

don't feel bad for being frustrated about this, adoption is a hard hard road. I would even venture to say it was harder then going through IF treatments. Sending you virtual hugs and prayers for a match soon for you!

maryoosa · January 2013

Vent all you want.

I'm sorry people here are judging you for venting. I think venting is particularlly appropriate as you encounter frustrating situations.

If you are upset or feel judged by the OP's post, read the OP's title, you could clearly see it was a rant... so--just skip it if you think you might feel unwelcomed and then you won't feel poorly.

Ginger71 · January 2013

maryoosa:
Vent all you want.

I'm sorry people here are judging you for venting. I think venting is particularlly appropriate as you encounter frustrating situations.

If you are upset or feel judged by the OP's post, read the OP's title, you could clearly see it was a rant... so--just skip it if you think you might feel unwelcomed and then you won't feel poorly.

Well said.

LIQueen · January 2013

I am hardly even there yet(just getting home study approved) and already feel jealous of all the quick adoptions I hear about on my agencies website and on places all over the internet(including here). Infertility has made me into a jealous bioootch when it comes to kids and women who can just somehow get pregnant! I am working on getting over it, but after a failed IVF cycle just in October, I am still not quite there yet.

erinmc1 · January 2013

dholsapp:
Our lawyers have a website with AP profiles and every single night I would check to see if families had been chosen ahead of us.

Ditto this 1000%. We've been waiting more than 14 months now. I wonder what the hell is wrong with us. I obsessively count the number of waiting families on our agency's website. Sometimes 5 times a day. I know it's counterproductive, and I have mixed feelings when a couple disappears. I'm happy that at least there's SOME movement, but sad that it's never us.

We haven't had a failed match, and I can even begin to relate to that pain. My husband is about to deploy though, and I'm terrified about going through this process alone, emotionally. I don't hate God. Quite the opposite. I know this is a challenge specifically laid out for me/us, and I wonder how much more we need to learn and grow from this before He deems us worthy and stops this endless suffering.

I, too, am jealous/resentful of the couples that match so quickly. I don't even respond to the posts, because it wouldn't be sincere, and I don't want to be fake in my congratulations. It's awesome for them, amazing. They're incredibly lucky, and I'm sure they appreciate that. But we haven't been, at least not in this. And it hurts, a lot. I feel your pain.

miss071311 · January 2013

i understand where you are coming from. not in the adoption world, but i have definitely been through it (and am still going through it).

i appreciate rants, and i'm not here to tell you (or anyone) to not feel comfortable to vent in a place where everyone here should understand, in some sense, what you are dealing with. vent! rant! it's good for you! but, i have to say that i personally felt singled out by your post since i had just the day before posted about my home study being finalized.

i know life isn't all about sunny skies, and i am personally a very realistic person and i keep my feet on the ground... so hearing that things can so easily go so wrong is not something i have any kind of problem with, BUT, i finally have something to be hopeful about and i am really trying to seek out the positive stories and try to enjoy this moment. because for all i know, this could just be the beginning of the longest wait of my life, full of disappointments or failed matches, but right now i need to focus on the hope.

i am so sorry for the incrediby sh!tty year you had, and I sincerely hope that 2013 holds nothing but fantastic news for you.

StormyEyez · January 2013

IF, adoption, and everything else the people on these boards go through really tests your strength and uncovers some pretty intense emotions. I have gotten to where I don't really post much because no matter what is said, there is a good chance of offending someone, and everyone is already going through so much. If I can help by posting, I try.

My situation is different but I understand the core of OP's rant... the long wait. We went through 5 years of failed IF treatments and decided to move our focus and energy to adoption. We decided we could not deal with the heartache of failed matches and just not being chosen, as many of you have experienced. We chose to pursue an IA from China, since this seemed to be the most stable country to work with and a solid agency in our area.

We just got acceptance of our Home Study yesterday, which I haven't really taken the time to get excited about because I know there is so much more ahead. Once we finish our Dossier and get our log-in date... our wait is estimated currently at 5-8 years.

I'm overwhelmed and not sure how we will survive the wait. I know our time will come, it has to. We are fragile, and sometimes we break... this is a safe place to do it... really, the only safe place I know.

On days when someone else is pregnant, or bringing home their adopted child, I feel the jealousy creeping up. At these times, I have made it a practice to take a moment to concentrate on Romans 12:12 which tells us to be Joyful in Hope, patient in Affliction, Faithful in Prayer.

The success stories here, even if we wish they happened for us too, they do give us hope that it WILL happen.

sewolff · January 2013

We're ALL here for a reason. If making a family and parenting were easy we wouldn't need a board. We need to support each other when we can and be quiet when we can't. No one has a monopoly on pain and disappointment. If someone needs to vent let them. This board may be their only outlet and no one should make them feel bad. If you don't like the way a thread is going - stop reading - and come back later, we'll be here.

MagickalNarwhal · January 2013

I'm sorry, and I totally support your right to vent. I couldn't be on adoption boards much while we were waiting for that very reason. It SUCKS. I never had that thought that other people's successes were inspiring or hope-inducing to me and I totally resented the implication that they should be!

I know there's nothing I can say that would be helpful. I just sincerely hope that you get to be on the other side of this soon.

Ginger71 · January 2013

sewolff:
We're ALL here for a reason. If making a family and parenting were easy we wouldn't need a board. We need to support each other when we can and be quiet when we can't. No one has a monopoly on pain and disappointment. If someone needs to vent let them. This board may be their only outlet and no one should make them feel bad. If you don't like the way a thread is going - stop reading - and come back later, we'll be here.

Exactly. If a post bothers me I ignore it. I don't think the op was doing anything other than getting her feelings out.

MayDayGirl · January 2013

silliestbunny:
Clearly I am not currently in your position but I was for a LONG time. nbsp; And I harbored resentment and jealousy... and I felt awful about those feelings. nbsp;It sucks. nbsp;The pain of failed matches and placements suck. nbsp;There's no way around it. nbsp;I am so sorry you are feeling it now... I'd like to say it gets better and easier... but it didn't for me honest here. nbsp;Another honest statement, other matches and waits were not full of joy but instead had hints of cynicism as I waited. nbsp;It's so hard.Hang in there... nbsp;

Ditto ALL of this. Hugs

GirlOn1stAnd10 · January 2013

If it's any consolation, as a BM if I had had to go through an agency I would have much rather asked to see profiles of couples who had been waiting and waiting for a match specifically. Not that couples who recently joined the agency or however it's termed dn't deserve a child more or less, but I want my baby going to a couple who has worked their tails off proving they want to be good parents. I don't mean to say those who have agency profiles should be in competition with each other, I just want my daughter going to a couple who has waited long enough for their happy ending. If I can give someone that much joy and an end to their anguish with my loss, it woukd make me feel more secure in my decision. I hope this makes sense, and especially that it doesn't offend anyone! Not my intentioms at all

Ginger71 · January 2013

GirlOn1stAnd10:
If it's any consolation, as a BM if I had had to go through an agency I would have much rather asked to see profiles of couples who had been waiting and waiting for a match specifically. Not that couples who recently joined the agency or however it's termed dn't deserve a child more or less, but I want my baby going to a couple who has worked their tails off proving they want to be good parents. I don't mean to say those who have agency profiles should be in competition with each other, I just want my daughter going to a couple who has waited long enough for their happy ending. If I can give someone that much joy and an end to their anguish with my loss, it woukd make me feel more secure in my decision. I hope this makes sense, and especially that it doesn't offend anyone! Not my intentioms at all

This is so sweet

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