Self Soothing a Lie

Emerald27 · January 2013

Very interesting article about the origin of the notion of "self soothing". Wanted to share based on the recent posts by mamas worried that their babies should be doing this by now. Discuss?

https://uncommonjohn.wordpress.com/2013/01/04/selfsoothingpossiblythebiggestlieeverfoistedonparents/

Emerald27 · January 2013

Whoops! I'm mobile bumping and the link needs hyphens. Can someone add the hyphens, they go between the words at the end, and make it click for me?

It really is a worthwhile read. TIA!

honkytonk_kid · January 2013

https://uncommonjohn.wordpress.com/2013/01/04/self-soothing-possibly-the-biggest-lie-ever-foisted-on-parents/

back to discuss after I read it

honkytonk_kid · January 2013

Interesting article. I actually read another article on the study that he references, and got about halfway through before I was like, "wait, what?" It's a really odd "study" that's really just an observation then someone's (IMO, insubstantiated) opinion.

I think somewhere along the way self-soothing became a synonym for staying quiet. The concept of self-soothing obviously exists, I've seen my kid do it both awake and asleep- ie bumping his head, starting to cry, then saying "owie, sowwy, sowwy, Parker okaaay," or by stirring, putting his paci back in and going back to sleep. But STTN doesn't necessarily= self-soothing.

Mostly I object to the idea that I'm somehow harming or hindering my kid by responding the way I do in the MOTN. Self-soothing is a skill to be learned, yes, but I think for my kid it will come with age/time/maturity, not necessarily by being left alone to figure it out.

aglenn · January 2013

Interesting article! Thanks for posting. I have always felt that this "self-soothing" business was sort of made up. That and the "optimal brain development" that get thrown around as reasons to be afraid of night wakings both kind of make me give the side eye. At the extreme end there may be some kernel of truth to both, but for most people and most kids I think there is a lot of unnecessary pressure being applied around sleep patterns.

RioG1978 · January 2013

Thank you so much for posting this. Not because it provided me with any "aha" moments, but because I am thrilled to now know this blog exists! I only perused the self-soothing article briefly, but it isn't anything I haven't already thought a million times. I'll read it more fully in between sessions of soothing my baby tonight.

RioG1978 · January 2013

oh, and I've been meaning to post this forever, but Emerald I love the poem in your signature. I think of it almost every time I'm in the rocking chair with my baby.

gnomemom · January 2013

honkytonk_kid:

Interesting article. I actually read another article on the study that he references, and got about halfway through before I was like, "wait, what?" It's a really odd "study" that's really just an observation then someone's (IMO, insubstantiated) opinion.

I think somewhere along the way self-soothing became a synonym for staying quiet. The concept of self-soothing obviously exists, I've seen my kid do it both awake and asleep- ie bumping his head, starting to cry, then saying "owie, sowwy, sowwy, Parker okaaay," or by stirring, putting his paci back in and going back to sleep. But STTN doesn't necessarily= self-soothing.

Mostly I object to the idea that I'm somehow harming or hindering my kid by responding the way I do in the MOTN. Self-soothing is a skill to be learned, yes, but I think for my kid it will come with age/time/maturity, not necessarily by being left alone to figure it out.

That is seriously adorable. Smile

Emerald27 · January 2013

RioG1978:
oh, and I've been meaning to post this forever, but Emerald I love the poem in your signature.nbsp; I think of it almost every time I'm in the rocking chair with my baby. :

I love it too. It really reflects how i approach every day. DS just fell asleep in my lap now, and I'm rocking him and bumping on my phone/ watching house hunters, and ignoring the sweet potatoes he threw onto the floor at dinner. There's plenty of time to clean, but I'm enjoying snuggling him!

twocents6708 · January 2013

This was an interesting read. I loathe the idea that I am inhibiting my child somehow by not allowing her to cry herself to sleep.

Unknown · January 2013

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pepomntpat · January 2013

ameyer8009:
Self-soothing obviously exists and this guy is talking semantics. Leaving your child alone to cry is not the same as giving your child space to figure things out. I lean towards an AP lifestyle with my LO, but also think it's important to allow him to fuss and fall back asleep or allow him to have his full range of emotions. Babies need independence to learn and grow. What happens when they go off to school and expect someone to comfort them every time they get upset? They have to learn at some point that they can handle things themselves, and that builds self-confidence. Be weary of unscientific BS that gets spread around....

Children need independence to learn and grow. Babies need to know that they have someone to care for them. This argument always gets a side eye from me. There is a huge amount of time for learning, growing and independence between 4 months and 5 years when most children start school.

cecilyandgautam · January 2013

Great article! The part of the CIO claims that I object to the most is this notion that a baby, an infant really, stops crying because they "learn" to self-soothe. An infant's ability to understand cause & effect and to regulate one's emotions & behavior, is very primitive. A 6 month old can understand when we, the parents, disapprove and wants our approval, but does not have the self discipline to control one's impulses. So to theorize that a 6 month old "learns," as in gains a new level of understanding, and then changes his behavior accordingly is pretty ridiculous.

When a baby stops crying and goes to sleep, it's probably because he's tuckered himself out from all the crying. It's not a new level of understanding that got him to finally go to sleep. Alternatively, he may have just given up and realized you're not coming back. I'd hardly call that self-soothe, that's just defeat.

Anecdotally, the few times my daughter has suddenly stopped crying and collapsed into sleep, it was clearly exhaustion that got her there. And she wakes up much sooner in the night - to me that's a sign that her sleep is less restful if she got there by crying.

RioG1978 · January 2013

cecilyandgautam:

Great article! The part of the CIO claims that I object to the most is this notion that a baby, an infant really, stops crying because they "learn" to self-soothe. An infant's ability to understand cause & effect and to regulate one's emotions & behavior, is very primitive. A 6 month old can understand when we, the parents, disapprove and wants our approval, but does not have the self discipline to control one's impulses. So to theorize that a 6 month old "learns," as in gains a new level of understanding, and then changes his behavior accordingly is pretty ridiculous.

When a baby stops crying and goes to sleep, it's probably because he's tuckered himself out from all the crying. It's not a new level of understanding that got him to finally go to sleep. Alternatively, he may have just given up and realized you're not coming back. I'd hardly call that self-soothe, that's just defeat.

Anecdotally, the few times my daughter has suddenly stopped crying and collapsed into sleep, it was clearly exhaustion that got her there. And she wakes up much sooner in the night - to me that's a sign that her sleep is less restful if she got there by crying.

excellent post.

I've read through all of this gentlemans posts, and he really has quite a balanced approach. I like it.

boogerbearoriginal · January 2013

ameyer8009:
Self-soothing obviously exists and this guy is talking semantics. Leaving your child alone to cry is not the same as giving your child space to figure things out. I lean towards an AP lifestyle with my LO, but also think it's important to allow him to fuss and fall back asleep or allow him to have his full range of emotions. Babies need independence to learn and grow. What happens when they go off to school and expect someone to comfort them every time they get upset? They have to learn at some point that they can handle things themselves, and that builds self-confidence. Be weary of unscientific BS that gets spread around....

I do become weary from reading unscientific BS that gets spread around, I am also wary of everything I read on the internet.

You are welcome to raise your child however you see fit, but I hate to tell you that your opinions are not grounded in scientific fact. Babies do not need independence. In fact, without being held enough they can actually die. Obviously this would be neglect type treatment but it was a problem in large orphanages where they had too many infants and the children were only held when fed/changed and otherwise left in a crib. Babies need comfort and human touch as much as they need food.

There is zero evidence that responding to a child at night, or rocking them to sleep, etc, leads to lowered self-confidence, less independence, etc.

No 4m old learns to handle things themselves. FFS they can't even sit up on their own at that age. And a 4m old is hardly comparable to a 5yr old in terms of how to respond to the child.

Even adults need help from family/friends and seek the comfort of others. Humans are social creatures, we NEED other people.

Finally, when we teach children skills, any skill, they learn by watching us, by us helping them. We don't leave them in a room with a pair of sneakers and say, learn to tie these. We demonstrate how. If soothing oneself is a learned skill, then you are doing a disservice to your child by NOT showing her how to soothe.

honkytonk_kid · January 2013

ameyer8009:
Self-soothing obviously exists and this guy is talking semantics. Leaving your child alone to cry is not the same as giving your child space to figure things out. I lean towards an AP lifestyle with my LO, but also think it's important to allow him to fuss and fall back asleep or allow him to have his full range of emotions. Babies need independence to learn and grow. What happens when they go off to school and expect someone to comfort them every time they get upset? They have to learn at some point that they can handle things themselves, and that builds self-confidence. Be weary of unscientific BS that gets spread around....

I think that's the point of the article Wink

There is no evidence at all that not doing CIO will lead to a kindergartener unable to soothe themselves, that's ridiculous. There is also no evidence that kids who CIO and now STTN are actually doing any soothing, they are just quiet.

"At some point" humans have to learn hundreds of things, few of which are appropriate for a 6 month old.

pepomntpat · January 2013

kbruington:
ameyer8009:
Self-soothing obviously exists and this guy is talking semantics. Leaving your child alone to cry is not the same as giving your child space to figure things out. I lean towards an AP lifestyle with my LO, but also think it's important to allow him to fuss and fall back asleep or allow him to have his full range of emotions. Babies need independence to learn and grow. What happens when they go off to school and expect someone to comfort them every time they get upset? They have to learn at some point that they can handle things themselves, and that builds self-confidence. Be weary of unscientific BS that gets spread around....

I know this comment has ruffled some feathers but I tend to agree with you to some degree. I did let my LO cry at bed time, for naps and for night time wakings when I felt he was old enough and he wasn't sick, teething, etc. It's a personal choice that each parent makes and you have to do what you feel is best.

I don't think my LO felt abandoned, or that mom doesn't care and he's certainly a very happy, loving baby so I guess I did something right. I tried not to over analyze it either which you tend to do as a parent, at least I do. I guess in all this rambling, I'm just saying that we will make a TON of decisions down the road when it comes to parenting so me letting my son cry to fall asleep isn't that terrible in my opinion. He's already over it, moving on.

I guess there is a difference in intent here. I didn't always rush to DD's side the second she whimpered (I still don't and I was just annoyed that she was waking up from a short nap and she is now asleep again). But, it wasn't because I was teaching her independence. It was because I learned that she wasn't necessarily actually awake and just making some noise. Going to her 'aide' was actually just waking her up. There was a learning curve involved.

I am not totally against CIO either. I just think a lot of my issue with CIO is the idea that somehow a child MUST be independent the second the umbilical cord is cut. I just don't think it works that way. Every child develops different skills at different ages. My DD speaks in complete sentences. She is nowhere near ready to PT and wets her diaper the second I put it on. I know lots of kids her age that are PT and can't string two words together. Both kids are normal...just developing different skills at different times. Self soothing is the same. You have to know your child and respond to your child's needs.

But, the idea that a 4 month old should be independent still makes me scratch my head.

sweetpea2003 · January 2013

kbruington:

A 4 month has no idea about being independent. I agree on that for sure. As far as CIO goes, I use the term because i've let my child cry but I think "cry it out" is a term Ferber coined? I don't know specifics on the method because I've never read a book on it, I went off what worked my particular child, not what anyone told me to do.

Basically, I feel that I know my child's cries and I am very confident that I can figure out what he wants and needs so I react based off that. This also changes daily because his needs change daily. It's trial and error for sure. Who knows if what I'm doing is going to screw him up later but I doubt it

No. Ferber doesn't advocate just leaving a baby to cry until they pass out(contrary to popular belief).

CIO was coined by Dr. Holt in the book "The Care and Feeding of Children" back in the late 1800s.

happywife2b · January 2013

Huh. I have never believed in "self-soothing." In my family (and in most families in most cultures around the world, I think) babies are held all the time, attended to constantly and passed from one willing set of arms to another until they themselves decide to go off and explore the world. Gonna read the article and get informed about this weird phenom.

happywife2b · January 2013

The article was excellent and relevant, but the comments were where the miring-down occurred, at least for me. I agree with what the article said and it confirms what I have been taught and believe and have practiced as a parent and family member. Mine is a big family of loud, loving, creative, whimsical, adventurous, entrepreneurial folks. Can't beat that for results!

And sleep scheduling? I don't even claim to know what that entails, but I can't imagine letting my baby lie awake crying and refuse to interact with him because I 'think' he needs to be sleeping when he is clearly hungry at 2am. Weird.

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