son is 14 ... starting all over ?

alexsmom601 · January 2013

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Hello everyone. I am new to this board and I just wanted to share my story and if anyone that has been through this situation I ask you please share your thoughts. I am 35 yrs old. My second husband is 38. We been together 9 yrs (married for 7). I have a 14 yr old wonderful son from my first marriage. My current husband has no children. I was totally against having another child for many years and my current husband knows this since we first met. Recently he has been making mention of us having a child together. After 14 yrs I honestly dont know how I would feel changing diapers etc all over again. I feel like I am being "selfish" if I dont want to have a child with him. I feel as his wife I should give my husband a child. I like the freedom I have and how my husband and I can go away for a long weekend or even a week and I know my son is old enough to stay with family and not cause to much inconvenience. My son is responsible and mature for his age as well. I can leave him home for 30 min while I run to the store quick. When you have a newborn or small child we all know those things dont happen. I know my husband would be ok if I say I dont want anymore kids and thats the final answer but I do feel terrible in a way that I am his wife and for my own reasons ( really freedom wise ) I dont think I want to have another child. I know If I got pregnant I would be a good mom regardless. I think I might be pregnant right now, but not 100% sure. ( too soon to take a test ) He has been trying and Im so up in the air with this decision. Has anyone ever been through this or something similiar. My close friends and family say that my son is 4 yrs away from college why start over when I am almost out of the water, but I dont look at parenthood as a sentence. Its the most wonderful experience in the world and couldnt imagine life without my son. However to start over after 14 yrs is alot to swallow also. Anyone out there can shed some light for me ? Thank you so much

surpriseaddition · January 2013

I am starting all over again....and with the same husband, at that! We have a 14 year old DD and 12 year old DS. This LO was a complete surprise, and I must admit I cried when I told DH I was pregnant. The thought of starting over was overwhelming, since like you said, my DD is a freshman in high school, and will be off to college in just 3 more years.

But, as time has gone on, I have come to embrace the idea of having this LO....and believe we were given her for some reason as part of life's plan. There are a lot of us on this board who have split kids like this, so you aren't alone. If you go back a page, you'll see a post regarding women over 40 with older kids. You may want to check it out.

I think you should try to make a true decision before "playing with fire" where you end up pregnant, and maybe then decide you don't want it. You're still really young, so waiting a few months to ponder it shouldn't change anything. I think it would be devestating for your DH is you did get pregnant but then wanted to terminate it. Good luck!

ChavayJakov · January 2013

I'm 43 now and just celebrated my baby's first birthday. This is a first child with my husband of 17 years after having raised together (he adopted) three kids. At the time I had an almost empty nest. My middle and younger adult-kids were out on their own and my eldest was living with me to bulk up money before her marriage. I had wanted a child for nearly 17 years - it was my husband who was putting the reigns on that for a variety of reasons. As much as I wanted another child, and I will say that I pestered for years, when all was said and done once the baby was here I did have a handful of "what have I done" moments. Those pass and are outnumbered by a great deal of wonderful moments. My youngest adult-child passed away at the age of 20 when this baby was only, roughly 10 months old. It was very difficult, and while I am in no way saying that this baby replaces or somehow alleviates missing my son, the perspective I've had is this: When we were younger mothers on the first go around, older people would tell us to treasure the time because they grow up so quick. Because we were so busy with the newness and learning curve, I don't think we always experienced motherhood as quick. When my son died, and I'm holding this baby, combined the realization of how quickly that life came and went was mindnumbing. I will say that what felt like long stretches between milestones with all my other children, I'm witnessing (because of hindsight?) how things are hurtling past me...honestly I expect this kid to be grown before I know it. Yes, choosing one road is going to negate choices that you otherwise would have had...that goes for whether you choose to have a baby or not. I think it would be a difficult thing, if everything is healthy and normal, to know that a spouse withheld even the opportunity of being a father. But that's me. It was difficult for me when, having already been a mother, to be denied of having that experience with my husband. He wouldn't go back and do it different now, but I think he would have been happy if he had never known what it was like.

I am aching for my lost child. Again, they aren't interchangeable, but I'm looking forward to a lifetime still of being a mother - of mothering - I can understand the concept of "almost being out of the water" but that is a lifestyle I might miss theoretically but not something I'm absent of really.

mama2many · January 2013

chavayjakov:
I'm 43 now and just celebrated my baby's first birthday. This is a first child with my husband of 17 years after having raised together (he adopted) three kids. At the time I had an almost empty nest. My middle and younger adult-kids were out on their own and my eldest was living with me to bulk up money before her marriage. I had wanted a child for nearly 17 years - it was my husband who was putting the reigns on that for a variety of reasons. As much as I wanted another child, and I will say that I pestered for years, when all was said and done once the baby was here I did have a handful of "what have I done" moments. Those pass and are outnumbered by a great deal of wonderful moments. My youngest adult-child passed away at the age of 20 when this baby was only, roughly 10 months old. It was very difficult, and while I am in no way saying that this baby replaces or somehow alleviates missing my son, the perspective I've had is this: When we were younger mothers on the first go around, older people would tell us to treasure the time because they grow up so quick. Because we were so busy with the newness and learning curve, I don't think we always experienced motherhood as quick. When my son died, and I'm holding this baby, combined the realization of how quickly that life came and went was mindnumbing. I will say that what felt like long stretches between milestones with all my other children, I'm witnessing (because of hindsight?) how things are hurtling past me...honestly I expect this kid to be grown before I know it. Yes, choosing one road is going to negate choices that you otherwise would have had...that goes for whether you choose to have a baby or not. I think it would be a difficult thing, if everything is healthy and normal, to know that a spouse withheld even the opportunity of being a father. But that's me. It was difficult for me when, having already been a mother, to be denied of having that experience with my husband. He wouldn't go back and do it different now, but I think he would have been happy if he had never known what it was like.
I am aching for my lost child. Again, they aren't interchangeable, but I'm looking forward to a lifetime still of being a mother - of mothering - I can understand the concept of "almost being out of the water" but that is a lifestyle I might miss theoretically but not something I'm absent of really.

Beautifully said. I'm so sorry for your loss and yet so pleased for you that you were provided with such a blessing in another child prior to having to face that loss. One does not replace the other, but to have the opportunity of looking forward to the bright future in your new baby in the midst of grief I believe was a gift.

alexsmom601 · January 2013

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your child chavayjakov. I couldnt imagine the pain that you feel. I believe that if it's in my cards for me to have another child then it will happen. Whether I become pregnant or not, I will embrace it with a positive attitude. My son wasnt planned and I was in a worse position financially and emotionally at that time ( as well as 19 and married ). I am older, wiser, more financially stable and able to start over if this is what the lord has in store for me. Kids are a blessing and they do grow up so fast. Your stories have helped me alot with this decision. I am confident that having a child at 35 is not as scary as I thought. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.

gscoville · January 2013

I just wanted to add my two cents. I'm 39, and have an 18 year old daughter from a previous marriage. My new hubby and I have been together for four and a half years and got married just last summer. After lots of soul searching, we decided to try for a child together. DH has never had any children, and I never only wanted one, so I guess it wasn't as hard a decision as it could have been. Of course I have moments of doubt, I mean my daughter graduated from high school in June and will be away from home starting college in April, how crazy am I to even consider starting all over again with a new baby? But when I think about the gift a new baby will be for my husband, and how wonderful it will be to go through parenthood together, I know we've made the right decision.

We got our BFP in December after four months of trying, but unfortunately lost our baby just last week due to an ectopic pregnancy and surgery to remove the tube it was in. I feel so terrified to try again, but I also feel like we are meant to, the doctor said my ovaries and remaining tube all look clear and healthy, so he sees no reason for us not to try again soon. So we will, the thought of the joy we'll experience far outweighs the fear.

Best of luck as you move forward in your journey!

Leoncita728 · January 2013

I am 37 and expecting my second. My daughter is 20 and in college. I was a teen mom, needless to say that I struggled to raise my daughter and myself for that matter... My husband and I have been married for 2 years in September, together for 8 years. When we started dating I told him I didn't want anymore children. I felt that I had missed out on a big part of my life and wanted to live my life a little after my daughter was old enough to care for herself. My daughter was 12 at the time and she was a handful then. He was ok with that and so continued our relationship. After getting married and after my daughter moved out, we traveled and went out a lot. We were able to go away whenever we wanted and enjoy our time together. With him I was able to do a lot of the things I wanted to do but never had a chance to. But I guess you can say I had an empty nest syndrome because in between our trips, I realized I missed someone constantly calling out "mom" in the house?! I started to look at our other friends who were having their second children and I was constantly drawn to their babies and all of a sudden one day I realized that I wanted one! I mentioned this to my husband and he too felt the same. So after 8 months of trying, here we are. We haven't broken the news yet to anyone. My husband and I decided to wait till it's all clear to share the news. I am scared to tell my daughter because of what her reaction might be. We are both happy. We can't wait to start raising this baby. We love him/her so much already. I am scared because of so many things. It is like starting all over again! I feel your worries and completely understand what you are going through, but after thinking it through and trying to tell myself that I/We would lose our freedom, I didn't care. I think I would regret not having a child with my husband whom I love deeply. He is a good man and has been with me, supported me through some tough times, so knowing that he would be a good father and partner made the decision a lot easier for me. I don't know if this helps but I wish you lots of luck on your journey and decision. Smile

Rosey75 · January 2013

I'm in a similar situation as many of you. I have a son who will be 17 soon and I am 37. I emphatically did not want to have anymore children. I never imagined finding the man of my dreams at 34 who does not have any children and always wanted to be a father. We've been married since March and I just found out I'm pregnant. He's thrilled. Still too early to announce it to everyone but I'm scared and excited at the same time.

jeanna7997 · January 2013

I will be 34 in July and have a 14YO DS and 13YO DD. I have been married for 2 years and knew going in that my DH and I would want children. I gave birth to our DS on Oct 18, 2013 and had such a great experience that we have already decided to have one more sometime in the next 1-3 years. I am nervous the older I get but our newest addition brings so much joy to all our family. My older two kids LOVE him soooo much and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I am looking forward to talking to my midwife about getting preggo again before, at or after I am 35 and all the risks involved... but this will be our last one so BRING it on!

best of luck to all!!!!

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