In need of advice... — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

In need of advice...

Maybe I'm not the only one out there but my husband is getting so frustrated because I want to sleep a lot and when I get wore out doing the simpliest things around the house. He claims "I won't do any more than you do around here." I mean laundry hasn't been done in over 3 weeks because it takes so much for me to just get it off the bedroom floor and out the door to the laundry mat. Dishes haven't been done in over a month...we've been eating out of tupperware bowls. There is dirt on the carpet and papers everywhere from mail and he hasn't had a job in 2 months. Seriously he makes me feel guilty for not cleaning up the house and working a full time job! I know this is my first pregnancy and I'm only 16 weeks along but when I get up in the morning I don't have the energy to do much until I eat, and get hydrated for the day and then it's out the door to work. Yes, if I ask him to get me some food from the kitchen he usually does it when I don't feel good but makes a huge deal out of it like I'm asking him to run a marathon for me. He makes me feel like a terrible person on top of already physically not feeling good. I'm so frustrated. Is there anyone out there with any advice as to help him see differently without sparking another fight?! Don't get me wrong, I love him. I really do. But since I've been pregnant it's been hell. Please help!

Re: In need of advice...

  • Do you have any other friends/family with kids?

    Maybe if you guys have a date night with a couple who has already had kids and talk about those experiences it might help him understand what is going on and open his eyes to what's happening with you. 

    I'm not making excuses for him, but he can't see the baby yet, he doesn't understand what's happening internally with you and therefore he just might not get it. Sucks, but that might be where his head is.....

    I would also suggest you both start reading a baby book together, maybe what to expect....it might help him understand what's happening with you during this process and hopefully he will become more understanding and willing to step up. 

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  • Truthfully, men have no way to relate to what it feels like to be pregnant with an easy pregnancy, let alone one that puts you through the ringer.  At 16 weeks, he's only seen one ultrasound (likely) and is having trouble likely having it sink in that it is really happening.

    I think David is on to something in his post.  If he has any friends that are already dads, or have wives/girlfriends who are further along than you... have him go and talk about it with them so perhaps he can get a better idea of what its like.

    Either way, the guy needs to put on his big boy pants and be a man and help out around the house, especially if the guy is unemployed.  Bottom line is, if he pulls the "I won't do any more than you do around here" thing... remind him that it is your full time job currently keeping a roof over your heads and the least he can do is clean some dishes and run a vacuum, you are growing a person.

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  • Not helping around the house is unacceptable.

    Him not understanding what you are going through with fatigue and the other syptoms of being pregnant is lame, but if he reads a book or gets online he might stop being such a tool in that area too.

    Sorry, I have no patience for slothy husbands.  I bust my ass around the house, even more now that the baby is here.

    image

  • Wait, you work full time, he hasn't had a job in 2 months and he's not willing to do more than you do around the house?

    Eep.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • Sounds like there is a lot of major life changes happening for the both of you.  This is very stressful especially with him out of work.  That being said, the two of you need to communicate.  I know of stay at home dads that take over the "traditional" women roles.

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  • imageLuckyDad:

    Wait, you work full time, he hasn't had a job in 2 months and he's not willing to do more than you do around the house?

    Eep.

    Yeah...kinda thinking the same thing.

    That being said....my boyfriend didn't really step up his game until I started to show.  He saw the ultrasounds--he knew I was pregnant.  But until my belly started popping out...I don't think he full 'got' all the major physical changes I was going through.  I think his line of thinking was ---You look exactly the same, so  you should be doing all the same things you have always done--

    I will add some advice for YOU....because a month's worth of dishes and 3 weeks of laundry....just SEEING that every day can so add to your stress level. It is not good for you or baby. My advice is hit something small every night...spend about 10 or 15 minutes doing something. Even if you only get a few dishes washed or one load of laundry thrown in the washer. 

     ALSO hit him up to help you....right that minute...as in----I am washing some dishes, come in here at put the stuff away in the drainer....NOW---- kinda conversation.  YES, he will probably whine and sulk....but he is more likely to jump in and help you.

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