Weddings are for gifts?!

PrimRoseMama · January 2013

https://m.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/71473086.aspx

I thought the Baby Shower regs might appreciate this post.

coraggiosa · January 2013

My favorite is the husband that puts people on the spot for not giving gifts. What a jerk.

I didn't expect gifts from anyone, and I was super grateful to everyone who gave us something. I can't believe the audacity some people have with their gift-grabbiness.

RissNRuss · January 2013

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.

I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts.

pinkiemo · January 2013

But it's your cultural duty!

I agree, FFS.

PrimRoseMama · January 2013

RissNRuss:
We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;

How is a guest to know how much a couple is spending per head? Why is it am attending guest's business the cost of the wedding?! Isn't that a private matter?

I have never heard that a gift is supposed to be equal to the cost per head. Where did this come from? It sounds ridiculous.

pinkiemo · January 2013

PrimRoseMama:
RissNRuss:
We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;
How is a guest to know how much a couple is spending per head? Why is it am attending guest's business the cost of the wedding?! Isn't that a private matter? I have never heard that a gift is supposed to be equal to the cost per head. Where did this come from? It sounds ridiculous.

I've heard of it, but I think you're supposed to just figure the plate cost out based upon the fanciness of the invitation, location and dress code. It always seemed very weird to me, like the bride and groom were trying to "break even" on the meal.

ellewoodsSC · January 2013

MandJS:
PrimRoseMama:
RissNRuss:
We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;
How is a guest to know how much a couple is spending per head? Why is it am attending guest's business the cost of the wedding?! Isn't that a private matter? I have never heard that a gift is supposed to be equal to the cost per head. Where did this come from? It sounds ridiculous.
I heard it from a friend once. I think it's crap, but I get that it could be a cultural thing.

The OP kept pointing out how she made a point of covering BIL's wedding expenses, as if that was supposed to ensure that they have the $$$ to get her a big gift. I can see having thoughts of disappointment, especially when it's family, but when you put it out there you can't help but come off as petty and gift grabby.

Helenahhandbasket · January 2013

RissNRuss:
We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.
I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts.

While I don't think I would go to a wedding w/o bringing a gift, I think the general consensus is that while it's customary, bringing a gift to a wedding is optional.

Re the bolded: are you by any chance from the north east part of the states? This is something I have always heard (growing up in NY), but I think (or hope) this thinking is outdated, and frankly a bit crass.

MBush4 · January 2013

DH and I were "honored" to be askedto be in a wedding two years ago. I barely knew the bride, the husband is my SIL's nephew (he's my age) and DH knew NEITHER of them very well. It was mainly to get us to set up/clean up for free. Then they kept telling us, "We don't want gifts, we just want money to buy a house." While setting up, the lovely husband-to-be told my mom (also helping with this wedding from Hades) as she was setting up the gift table (and he just stood there) "If people were too stupid to not read the invitation where it said, 'we prefer money to gifts to help us buy a house', then they shouldn't even be here."

DH made some "house money" (fake money with a picture of House M.D. instead of a president) and put it in a card with a snarky comment... Of course our names weren't attached, but it made me chuckle.

MBush4 · January 2013

Also, the poster on the original link sounds kind of like my new SIL. We only gave them a card, but that's because we're pretty broke and had to pay to get to their destination wedding and DH's tux.

rhubarb123 · January 2013

I realize that a wedding/reception is not an event where a gift is "necessary" like a shower is. It is still tradition with my family/friends and when someone doesn't come with a gift/card that person really stands out (to others). Of course I knew who gave us a gift or not at our wedding since I sent the thank you's and went off the spreadsheet where we wrote down who gave what. I had 3 couples out of 75 not give us anything and not that it was a big deal - it was a big surprise as to WHO didn't give us one. I didn't expect anything from any of the wedding party since they had other expenditures...although every one of them gave us a gift. I also knew there would be 3 couples that were invited last mnute (my brother's friends) just for them to come eat, drink and dance (so we weren't paying $60 for 6 guests that cancelled last minute that wouldn't be there). They even went in on a gift card and we thought was so thoughtful and certainly unexpected.

I can't believe the guy who called his guest out on not giving a gift. I would have loved to have heard the guest's response. I wonder if the BIL's wife/gf took the "gift" out of the card before she dropped it in the box. I have a friend who would have done that at one of her DH's relative's weddings. lol

Oh ya...I would NEVER attend a wedding without giving a monetary gift...I know how expensive they are and every little bit helps!

MBush4 · January 2013

rhubarb123:

I realize that a wedding/reception is not an event where a gift is "necessary" like a shower is. It is still tradition with my family/friends and when someone doesn't come with a gift/card that person really stands out (to others). Of course I knew who gave us a gift or not at our wedding since I sent the thank you's and went off the spreadsheet where we wrote down who gave what. I had 3 couples out of 75 not give us anything and not that it was a big deal - it was a big surprise as to WHO didn't give us one. I didn't expect anything from any of the wedding party since they had other expenditures...although every one of them gave us a gift. I also knew there would be 3 couples that were invited last mnute (my brother's friends) just for them to come eat, drink and dance (so we weren't paying $60 for 6 guests that cancelled last minute that wouldn't be there). They even went in on a gift card and we thought was so thoughtful and certainly unexpected.

I can't believe the guy who called his guest out on not giving a gift. I would have loved to have heard the guest's response. I wonder if the BIL's wife/gf took the "gift" out of the card before she dropped it in the box. I have a friend who would have done that at one of her DH's relative's weddings. lol

Oh ya...I would NEVER attend a wedding without giving a monetary gift...I know how expensive they are and every little bit helps!

I guess DH and I are the only tacky ones who do this. Granted, we've only done it twice, but hey. That counts towards our tackiness. I mean, silly us, we always hought you get invited becaus people want you there, not because they need the money/gifts to break even. Four years later, I honestly couldn't tell you who didn't give us something. Mainly because I didn't care. The people I cared about came and celebrated with us. And that was all that mattered.

RissNRuss · January 2013

Helenahhandbasket:
RissNRuss:
We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.
I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts.
While I don't think I would go to a wedding w/o bringing a gift, I think the general consensus is that while it's customary, bringing a gift to a wedding is optional.
Re the bolded: are you by any chance from the north east part of the states? This is something I have always heard (growing up in NY), but I think (or hope) this thinking is outdated, and frankly a bit crass.

Yeah, I'm a NYer now... originally CT. I think I heard it from someone on Long Island, but it was awhile back. I think it's weird, personally. I could care less how much a person spent- some of our greatest gifts were homemade personal items. We had alot of weddings to attend the last 2 years, one of which I found out later was over $300/plate for reception costs only. No way we could have afforded the "gift cost" there! We do what we can and try to give something thoughtful- that's my general gift-giving philosophy.

ordinary1 · January 2013

Reading this now. My favorite comment so far is the OP said that her BIL used the open bar so they should have given a gift. Um how does that make sense?

Helenahhandbasket · January 2013

RissNRuss:
Helenahhandbasket:
RissNRuss:
We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.
I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts.
While I don't think I would go to a wedding w/o bringing a gift, I think the general consensus is that while it's customary, bringing a gift to a wedding is optional.
Re the bolded: are you by any chance from the north east part of the states? This is something I have always heard (growing up in NY), but I think (or hope) this thinking is outdated, and frankly a bit crass.

Yeah, I'm a NYer now... originally CT. I think I heard it from someone on Long Island, but it was awhile back. I think it's weird, personally. I could care less how much a person spent- some of our greatest gifts were homemade personal items. We had alot of weddings to attend the last 2 years, one of which I found out later was over $300/plate for reception costs only. No way we could have afforded the "gift cost" there! We do what we can and try to give something thoughtful- that's my general gift-giving philosophy.

Yeah. I live there now. Unfortunately this thinking is pretty prevalent in my circle, but DH and I don't (and financially can't) follow this way of thinking.

MBush4 · January 2013

Joy2611:

I have friends who have spreadsheets from their wedding reception and consult it before purchasing a gift for their friends.

"Oh, Susie only gave us $200 for our wedding. She gets $20 for her birthday."

Sometimes, they pull it out to make fun of people.

"Aunt Mildred only gave us $150!! Can you imagine?? I hope she enjoyed the food the free-loading jerk."

I'm not kidding. These people are no longer my friends.

They also subscribe to the "cover your plate" rule, which I find asinine at best and downright repugnantly rude at worst. If you can't afford your damn wedding, then have a cheaper one. I don't exist to help pay for it. I exist to help you celebrate it and offer you a token of my appreciation of your invitation and wish you well on your future life. And I'll express it however I please. If it's in the form of a $100 check that you find distasteful, I'll happily take it back and assume you're an assjerk for the rest of my life.

Thanks!

Yes I give this a thumbs up because there isn't an applause emoticon.

mben1119 · January 2013

I kept trying to come up with a response, then just said fck it. Nothing could properly express my horror and disgust at the greed and entitlement.

mel8255 · January 2013

I have never heard that a wedding isn't a gift giving event. I have always thought etiquette dictated it WAS a gift giving event, and it would be in poor taste to attend a reception without a gift. Even more so, I have always been told that I needed to cover my plate, so to speak.

And no joke, I seriously have declined a wedding invite because I was short on funds at the time because of these "rules."

Ya learn something new every day.

MBush4 · January 2013

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

dreadiemama · January 2013

MBush4:
Different strokes for different folks I guess.

This. I have to say at my wedding I was more concerned with not tripping, passing out, forgetting my vows etc etc. Somewhere on that list was making sure that guests signed my guest book. I didn't even look at my cards until like a week later.

That being said, I don't give wedding/christmas/birthday presents. I don't feel obligated to buy someone something because of someone told me that I have to because of xyz occasion. If I see something someone would like then I get it for them, regardless of the date. I will admit, I'm not sure how this is going to work out with having my own kids since my mom kind of resents being raised Jehovah's witness and not getting any presents for holidays.

Speaking of. Does the original OP know the religion or philosophy of the sender? A surprising amount of spiritual practices don't give gifts.

dalzien · January 2013

MrsMuq:
MBush4:
rhubarb123:

I realize that a wedding/reception is not an event where a gift is "necessary" like a shower is. It is still tradition with my family/friends and when someone doesn't come with a gift/card that person really stands out (to others). Of course I knew who gave us a gift or not at our wedding since I sent the thank you's and went off the spreadsheet where we wrote down who gave what. I had 3 couples out of 75 not give us anything and not that it was a big deal - it was a big surprise as to WHO didn't give us one. I didn't expect anything from any of the wedding party since they had other expenditures...although every one of them gave us a gift. I also knew there would be 3 couples that were invited last mnute (my brother's friends) just for them to come eat, drink and dance (so we weren't paying $60 for 6 guests that cancelled last minute that wouldn't be there). They even went in on a gift card and we thought was so thoughtful and certainly unexpected.

I can't believe the guy who called his guest out on not giving a gift. I would have loved to have heard the guest's response. I wonder if the BIL's wife/gf took the "gift" out of the card before she dropped it in the box. I have a friend who would have done that at one of her DH's relative's weddings. lol

Oh ya...I would NEVER attend a wedding without giving a monetary gift...I know how expensive they are and every little bit helps!

I guess DH and I are the only tacky ones who do this. Granted, we've only done it twice, but hey. That counts towards our tackiness. I mean, silly us, we always hought you get invited becaus people want you there, not because they need the money/gifts to break even. Four years later, I honestly couldn't tell you who didn't give us something. Mainly because I didn't care. The people I cared about came and celebrated with us. And that was all that mattered.
Eh - I think it's kind of tacky to attend a wedding, whether destination or not, without a gift.
But my husband is still bitter at his brother who was a groomsman that didn't give us a gift or a card, who's tux we paid for, and after we gave him his GM's gift (a watch) at our rehearsal, complained that we didn't spring for something nicer, like a Movado. And he was serious.

This was one of our groomsmen. We paid for everything so that no one would be out of pocket (ie bridesmaid dresses, suits, ties, shoes, hair, make-up, their shaves morning of, etc.) and when it came to the rehearsal dinner the one, we'll call him XY, called to say he had better things to do and to bring his groomsman gift to the wedding. Alright... anyways day of the wedding he was late, apparently he didn't even want to show up because the limo/DH wasn't willing to drive out to his girlfriends place over an hour from our home to pick him up (the boys were supposed to be at our place the morning of). When DH gave him his gift XY said "That's it?" I was absolutely livid.

As for this post, we never expected anything from anyone except a card. I don't know why but cards are very important to me, not gifts and whatnot. Of the 200+ people we had at the wedding only one couple didn't give a card. I remember because like I said, cards are important to me. I was upset, but I certainly didn't, and would never think, of calling them out on it. That being said, we've never been to a wedding where we didn't give a gift/card, but I hardly ever get anything off of a registry unless it seems practical. If not, we give money.

The value of your gift should be the price per head per person is heard of here (Southern Ontario), but I doubt anyone actually follows that because it is so rude.

MBush4 · January 2013

dalzien:
MrsMuq:
MBush4:
rhubarb123:

I realize that a wedding/reception is not an event where a gift is "necessary" like a shower is. It is still tradition with my family/friends and when someone doesn't come with a gift/card that person really stands out (to others). Of course I knew who gave us a gift or not at our wedding since I sent the thank you's and went off the spreadsheet where we wrote down who gave what. I had 3 couples out of 75 not give us anything and not that it was a big deal - it was a big surprise as to WHO didn't give us one. I didn't expect anything from any of the wedding party since they had other expenditures...although every one of them gave us a gift. I also knew there would be 3 couples that were invited last mnute (my brother's friends) just for them to come eat, drink and dance (so we weren't paying $60 for 6 guests that cancelled last minute that wouldn't be there). They even went in on a gift card and we thought was so thoughtful and certainly unexpected.

I can't believe the guy who called his guest out on not giving a gift. I would have loved to have heard the guest's response. I wonder if the BIL's wife/gf took the "gift" out of the card before she dropped it in the box. I have a friend who would have done that at one of her DH's relative's weddings. lol

Oh ya...I would NEVER attend a wedding without giving a monetary gift...I know how expensive they are and every little bit helps!

I guess DH and I are the only tacky ones who do this. Granted, we've only done it twice, but hey. That counts towards our tackiness. I mean, silly us, we always hought you get invited becaus people want you there, not because they need the money/gifts to break even. Four years later, I honestly couldn't tell you who didn't give us something. Mainly because I didn't care. The people I cared about came and celebrated with us. And that was all that mattered.
Eh - I think it's kind of tacky to attend a wedding, whether destination or not, without a gift.
But my husband is still bitter at his brother who was a groomsman that didn't give us a gift or a card, who's tux we paid for, and after we gave him his GM's gift (a watch) at our rehearsal, complained that we didn't spring for something nicer, like a Movado. And he was serious.
This was one of our groomsmen. We paid for everything so that no one would be out of pocket (ie bridesmaid dresses, suits, ties, shoes, hair, make-up, their shaves morning of, etc.) and when it came to the rehearsal dinner the one, we'll call him XY, called to say he had better things to do and to bring his groomsman gift to the wedding. Alright... anyways day of the wedding he was late, apparently he didn't even want to show up because the limo/DH wasn't willing to drive out to his girlfriends place over an hour from our home to pick him up (the boys were supposed to be at our place the morning of). When DH gave him his gift XY said "That's it?" I was absolutely livid.
As for this post, we never expected anything from anyone except a card. I don't know why but cards are very important to me, not gifts and whatnot. Of the 200+ people we had at the wedding only one couple didn't give a card. I remember because like I said, cards are important to me. I was upset, but I certainly didn't, and would never think, of calling them out on it. That being said, we've never been to a wedding where we didn't give a gift/card, but I hardly ever get anything off of a registry unless it seems practical. If not, we give money.
The value of your gift should be the price per head per person is heard of here (Southern Ontario), but I doubt anyone actually follows that because it is so rude.

See, I had never heard of the "value of your gift= price per head". And in regards to my BIL's wedding, he didn't even pay for anything. Neither did his wife. My ILs paid (this was his second wedding and they also paid for wedding #1) for most of it, her family paid the remainder (keep in mind these are two people who work FT and have jobs that pay pretty well). What my ILs didn't pay for was us getting to the wedding, DH's tux, or any of the costs while we were there. And the problem was that SIL insisted we ALL stay at the same (pricey) hotel since that's where the wedding and reception would be and they didn't want to wait for anyone. This wouldn't be an issue if DH and I had money to spare. But we're both FT students barely making ends meet as it is. So we had to save a good bit just to get there and pay for our stuff. I honestly think it's ridiculous and petty for people to hold a grudge because someone didn't give a gift at a wedding. Our gift was us being there (since BIL kept saying it was so important to him) because that alone was such an investment for us. Did I feel bad that all we gave them was a card? Yeah, but I'm also not going to go into debt to make them happy when they swore the only thing that mattered was that we were there.

katiebenes · January 2013

MandJS:
PrimRoseMama:
RissNRuss:
We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;
How is a guest to know how much a couple is spending per head? Why is it am attending guest's business the cost of the wedding?! Isn't that a private matter? I have never heard that a gift is supposed to be equal to the cost per head. Where did this come from? It sounds ridiculous.
I heard it from a friend once. I think it's crap, but I get that it could be a cultural thing.

My Mom taught me to always try to cover my plate (plus a little more) to help the bride and groom out.

Its mainly for people who are starting to pay for their own weddings and end up in debt.

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