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britbrat201
member
Intro!
britbrat201
member
Hello all! My name is Brittany, and I am 22 years old. I recently got married this past September to a wonderful man I'd been seeing for 3 years. I now not only have a husband but a wonderful (and challenging =D) 14 year old stepson. (My husband is 33.) My husband's ex-wife (step-son's mother) will have NOTHING to do with me, even though I've been around 3 years. (They've been divorced for 4.) We do not have custody, Grandma does. We get him every other weekend. My husband and I are also trying to have our own. (No luck yet.)
That's just a little about me. I have some questions, which I will post soon.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Intro!
This is said in the most neutral tone possible--
But are you sure you want to jump into TTC when your husband does not have custody of his first child? I would *strongly* encourage you guys to get that situation sorted out before getting pregnant. It just gets so much harder when there's a little baby in the house.
I am not here to badger you but this is where you are wrong, you can change it by filing for custody. If you can`t afford a lawyer look at legal aid. We used them to file and then later on in the process retained our attorney. If you can not afford to try for custody you may want to rethink TTC.
I do not fully understand what you mean by if I cannot afford an attorney, I may want to rethink TTC. Can you please explain this to me further. WHat do you mean by this?
Your DH already has a son, and cannot afford a lawyer to become his custodial parent.
If you cannot afford to properly care for the children you have, including fighting for your right to be their parent, you should not be actively TTC.
Either you truly cannot afford a lawyer, or your priorities are so screwed up you'd rather make more kids than tend to the one you have.
This, I don`t see what is unclear.
But what I'm getting at--and I'm still not being snarky, I promise--is doesn't this raise some red flags for you?
If you don't have money for an attorney, are you sure you have the money to bring a child into your home? Kids cost more than you think. And if DH and I couldn't afford to take good care of DS, we would not have added another baby to our family.
If your husband would give up on one child, don't you worry that he would give up on another?
If you have tried to address this with him and he's blown you off, don't you worry about coparenting with him?
I'm a parent of two kids. They are great kids--they are healthy, smart, and relatively well behaved. And parenting them is the hardest thing I've ever done. In parenting, the easiest thing is not usually the best thing. And based on what you have posted, I would worry a lot that your husband is a guy that likes to do the easiest thing.
I feel a bit as though you've already made your decisions here, so I'm not going to harp at you. But do realize that some women on this board were you 5-10-15 years ago.
Uh, yeah. And also, explaining to your kid that you are giving him to his Gma to save time and money on a divorce? Oh I'm sure he understands and doesn't feel abandoned at all. massive eye roll
Your DH hasn't made his first child a priority at all, and you even say you think he is just planning to leave things as is. Why the helll would you try to have a baby with him?
i definately see both sides of the situation.for the majority of our relationship, i wasnt sure if i wanted to have a child with him or not. but as our wedding got closer, it was only natural to want to start a family of my own. when i dreamed of my futher, i never imagined children, and surely not stepchildren. it just happened that way. i appreciate all the advice. :
Basically you don't want to spend the money to get custody of ss and are just starting over with someone cheaper.
We applied for legal aid, we were denied. If you want to send me the money for a lawyer, I would gladly take it!
You can`t afford to take care of the child your husband has and yet you are planning another. Do you see what everyone is saying?
Love does not feed, clothe or diaper a child. Stop being dramatic. You just see things as you want to. I am a mom, I know what it costs. I am also a SM, and we would never have had our child if we could not do what was in the best interests of my SD. You really believe you should have a baby when your SC is not even in either of his parents` custody and you cannot afford to fix that?!
oh the drama...
This girl is trippin.
Love should be equal among siblings. Your SS will not feel loved equally if his father is not fighting to have him in his home.
You do not need a lawyer to petition the court, and filing fees are minimal compared to the cost of a baby.
To be clear, it does not sound like your DH is bothering to lift a little finger to do anything to change the situation.
You may be naive, so here's a brief lesson for you:
A father has the upper hand when petitioning against a grandmother for custody. Usually I'd suggest having a lawyer, but if it is not possible, pro se is better than not at all. There should be no fight from the court in changing custody back to his father. Almost every state has written into its statutes that reuniting parent and child is ALWAYS the first and foremost goal.
However, if your DH is not being completely upfront about the circumstances, i.e. if there was neglect or abuse or other circumstances that made him unfit to be a custodial parent, then he would have a fight.
Another possible hurdle would be if your state considers SS old enough to make his own choice. If your DH has not been a proactive parent and has not made a welcome home for SS, and because so much time has passed, it is possible that SS would choose to stay with grandma. But, at least you would be with a man who tried to give a home to his son instead of one who is sitting back doing nothing.
Again, your DH should file for full custody, lawyer or no lawyer. As you said, love is more important than money, and your DH needs to put his words into action.