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Last Name

rere420rere420 member
in Blended Families

Hi

 I am new!!

I have a DS who is 5 almost 6 from a previous relationship (if you could really call it a relationship...more like the beginning stages of dating...3 months!) and I am engaged to be married this year and working on #2 with some male factor fertility issues hanging us up.

My DS father takes him every other weekend for the most part.  He has two other children, both boys, one is 6 months to the day older than my son (hence the beginning stages of dating which never came to fruition due to another baby) and one who is under 1.

My DS has my last name as BF disappeared from the day I told him I was preggers until 11 months after DS was born.  All in all we get along fine, we communicate at a very minimal level, we could both do a better job at this.  Its not because we fight or argue, its just honestly because I forget he has another parent sometimes (thats sounds horrible) and he feels like I did all the work and he doesnt "deserve" to be his dad (serious poor me, woe is me, I hate my life crap on his end)

Anyways, at my DS fathers house, all of the kids have his last name (his on/off girlfriend doesnt but persumably will marry him eventually??).  I am getting married in a few months and my last name will change to my to be husbands as well as any child we have will have that last name

Should I leave my DS as is or change it?? Thoughts??

On the one hand, its his name, he knows it, he knows we love him..at BF house they love him (although he hates going there with a passion but gets over it after drop off...momma's boy!!) on the other hand at both houses he goes to he is the only one with his name and I worry he will feel like he doesnt fit in in either place at some point.

One other side note...we both have very long italian last names so I have thought of hyphening myself and his but it would be 20 plus letters!!

what would or have any of you done?

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Re: Last Name

  • cole2144cole2144 member

    His father is in his life therefore the only reason for changing his name should be if it is changing to his father`s so that he at least shares last names with one of his parents. If not you should leave it as is. The fact of life is that you never know if your husband will be in his life forever and more importantly DS has a father active in his life.

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  • 2chatter2chatter member

    I don't see it as any different than if you have kids while married, you took your exh's last name, got divorced, got remarried...You would not change the last name of the children, and some moms opt to keep their original married last name to have the same last name of the children, even upon remarriage.

    My name is firstname firstmarriedlastname marriedlastname

    There is no hyphen, so when I fill out papers for DS (with DH) I don't use firstmarriedlastname. 

    When I fill out papers for my girls with exh I use firstmarriedlastname marriedlastname

     Just an alternative....even with a lot of letters, dropping the hyphen means that legally it's treated more like a middle name....and you can not use if when you are places that have nothing to do with your kids if you so choose.  Now, knowing where I have been placed alphabetically can be interesting....

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  • J&A2008J&A2008 member

    I know a family in this situation.

    They hyphenated the child to be BFlastname-BMlastname and the BM became

    BMlastname-DHlastname

    So, the child shared a last name with both parents.

    You mentioned your last name is long, so it may not work for you.

    When I married, I dropped my middle name and made my maiden name my middle, but I still use my full name from time to time: J&A Maiden DHlastname, so it almost works like a hyphenated name.

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  • twister22twister22 member
    I was under the impression that to legally change a child's name you needed the consent of the of the parents who are on the birth certificate.
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    Maybe I read the OP wrong, but it sounds like because BF is in the picture, and has an okay relationship with DS, you want to change his last name to BF lastname instead of your maiden name, because you won't have your maiden name anymore anyways...

    If that is what you are thinking, then yes, I see no problem with that. DS is 6? I might even ask him how he would feel about that change, and having the same name as his dad and siblings on his dads side. He might love the idea or he might be anxious about learning a different name.
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  • awesomenus1341awesomenus1341 member
    imagecole2144:

    His father is in his life therefore the only reason for changing his name should be if it is changing to his father`s so that he at least shares last names with one of his parents. If not you should leave it as is. The fact of life is that you never know if your husband will be in his life forever and more importantly DS has a father active in his life.

     

    This. If BF is in his life, the only change should be if you are changing it to BF's last name.

    fbls


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  • fellesferiefellesferie member
    I don't really see anything here that supports changing his name to either man's last name. 
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  • CarynJeanGCarynJeanG member
    I am struggling with this also. I have decided I am hyphenating my last name till either FI adopts DD or until she is an adult and I will drop my maiden name.
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  • kali55kali55 member

    imagetwister22:
    I was under the impression that to legally change a child's name you needed the consent of the of the parents who are on the birth certificate.

    This is true where I am from



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  • rere420rere420 member

    Thanks for all the responses,

    I have sole custody of my son so in my State which may be different then others, I could make the change, his dad also never signed his birth certificate (didnt come around until son was 1)

    I should have clarified his dad is in his life (at the moment) but it is not a constant.  Was not around until DS turned 1, disappeared again when he was 2 for about 8 months, has been on a fairly consistant kick for the past 2-3 years (not of taking him every weekend but of at least not disappearing for long stretches of time)

    Giving him his last name is not really one of the options for a few reasons, mainly because my son does not want it.  I know he is a little young and anything could happen were when he gets old if BF stays around that maybe they wil enjoy each others company but right now it is more of a chore for both of them then a want

    To say it politely if I didnt call every other saturday and say where am I dropping him off and then again on Sunday to say where am I picking him up there would be no daddy weekend that weekend...unfortunately I have tested that theory out.

    I agree with those who said who knows if DH would always be around too, I imagine so but again anything could happen

    I like the idea of dropping my middle and having my current last name as a middle so everyone involved (DS and future children with DH) no one is left out

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