How to talk to my SS about sex.

britbrat201 · January 2013

My SS is 14. I know things are going to start changing for him. He is entering the early stages of puberty. My DH does not find it necessary to discuss sex with him. I disagree however since my DH was a teenage parent himself. I am willing to take on the task myself, I'm just not sure how to go about it without making him feel awkward.

How do I have this conversation with him so that he won't feel awkward and so he will actually LISTEN to what I have to say.

J&A2008 · January 2013

Oh my. Start very small. IMO, 14 is too young to start to talk about sex without it being awkward, especially given that you are not his mom.

I wish I had some better advice. You could start by finding out what they've learned at school. I went to the school to watch (with other adults, not the kids!) the sex ed video they show in SS's grade.

ETA: I'm not trying to be discouraging. I think it would be nicer for all of you if your DH would take the lead, but I do admire your courage to tackle this issue if he won't, and I think you're right that it needs to be addressed.

britbrat201 · January 2013

J&A2008:
Oh my. Start very small. IMO, 14 is too young to start to talk about sex without it being awkward, especially given that you are not his mom.
I wish I had some better advice. You could start by finding out what they've learned at school. I went to the school to watch (with other adults, not the kids!) the sex ed video they show in SS's grade.
ETA: I'm not trying to be discouraging. I think it would be nicer for all of you if your DH would take the lead, but I do admire your courage to tackle this issue if he won't, and I think you're right that it needs to be addressed.

Thanks for your advice! I do not intend to have a full blown conversation about sex. Lol I do agree that should be saved for a few years down the road. I am just worried that if it is not addressed at all, he will find other methods of finding out... I DO NOT want to be a grandma before I turn 25. LOL

J&A2008 · January 2013

britbrat201:
J&A2008:
Oh my. Start very small. IMO, 14 is too young to start to talk about sex without it being awkward, especially given that you are not his mom.
I wish I had some better advice. You could start by finding out what they've learned at school. I went to the school to watch (with other adults, not the kids!) the sex ed video they show in SS's grade.
ETA: I'm not trying to be discouraging. I think it would be nicer for all of you if your DH would take the lead, but I do admire your courage to tackle this issue if he won't, and I think you're right that it needs to be addressed.
Thanks for your advice! I do not intend to have a full blown conversation about sex. Lol I do agree that should be saved for a few years down the road. I am just worried that if it is not addressed at all, he will find other methods of finding out... I DO NOT want to be a grandma before I turn 25. LOL

I'm not saying 14 is too young for the talk, but that it's too late to start and have it be natural to bring it up.

britbrat201 · January 2013

I do try to keep in the loop about it! =D I ask him if he has a girlfriend. I talk to him about the appropriate ways to act around other girls. I make sure, as much as possible, he doesn't watch inappropriate things on tv. I do wish it would have been addressed earlier, but I haven't been around that long...

J&A2008 · January 2013

I just read in your intro that you are 22. Do you think this age difference might present too much difficulty? I worry that you'll have difficulty with him taking you seriously as a parental figure in general, but much more so if you're going to lecture him on sex.

You sound like you have a good perspective on this, and I won't disagree that someone should be talking to him, I'm just beginning to wonder if your new relationship and small age gap are red flags that it should be DH and not you.

mom2one · January 2013

14 is really old for a first conversation about sex. His dad needs to sit down with him YESTERDAY.

new+tothis · January 2013

J&A2008:
I just read in your intro that you are 22. Do you think this age difference might present too much difficulty? I worry that you'll have difficulty with him taking you seriously as a parental figure in general, but much more so if you're going to lecture him on sex.
You sound like you have a good perspective on this, and I won't disagree that someone should be talking to him, I'm just beginning to wonder if your new relationship and small age gap are red flags that it should be DH and not you.

Yeah, I was kind of thinking this too.

In any case, yeah, it's going to be awkward. He's 14. Just do it any way. Ask him what he knows, give him a run down, explain safety, and let him ask questions if he needs to. Short and sweet. Just don't tell him any stories or give personal advice, lol. That will make it more awkward. I think it really depends on the area. My BFF has a 15 year old and I'd say 80% of the kids at his school have lost their virginity. Even a year ago he knew all about sex and safety.

britbrat201 · January 2013

Yes, this conversation should have started a long time ago. I'm not sure how I feel about the age difference. It has been an ongoing question in my mind. I know that he sees me as his parent. He calls me his parent, he tells other people I'm his parent, but of course, it is something I have thought about very much. That is something I definitely struggle with everyday.

Nineoceans · January 2013

I agree with small at first. We try to instill in SS the fact that he is expected to go to college and expected to respect his body and respect women.

At 14 sadly kids are having sex but instead of having a sex talk I would just tell him what your expectations of him are.

You expect him to protect himself in any risky situation he's in which means calling if he's going to be late, having friends who respect his beliefs and values and using protection if he's engaging in any sexual contact at all.

I'm also toying with the idea with SS especially because his Bm is nuts and at 7 is already calling him a pimp. She's sick. Anyways, I'm thinking when he starts his first job of withholding 30 of all his checks and putting it into savings so he can see how painful it would be to pay child support. He could have the money back eventually, but just to show him one careless action can change his life for the next 18 years in as far as his earning potential, his personal life goals, etc.

I'm also thinking about taking him to a family homeless shelter to show him how a lot of teens end up when they have kids they arent prepared for.

I think illustrating short and long term consequences will be a lot more impactful than just saying "no sex" or "here is how someone gets pregnant" they most likely are very aware at this stage in development

Nineoceans · January 2013

Also to add like you said I think it is 10 times more important that you show teen parenting as a very bleak and negative thing.

He's probably thinking my dad was a teen parent and turned out fine which is all the more reason to show him how painful fine can be.

Hannahsmom25 · January 2013

With my stepson was about 11 when he started asking me a few questions about sex. He started puberty then and now at 13 he has a mustache -__- The earlier you give the talk is better. If his friends start telling him things before you do it may be too late! Now as far as akward is concerned, it will be. Your talking to a child about sex, its not going to be fun lol.

Just be serious and do not give too many details. Ask him what he knows, what questions he has and then begin talking about the consequences (stds, reputation, teen pregnancy and the loss of freedom and the money struggles that come with it) Bring up how important it is to be respectful and wait to fall in love. I also kept bringing up the fact that now is not the time for sex- he should be living up being a teen and having fun, not worrying about acting like an adult.

Keep in mind, after you have the talk- he will be more informed. Whatever he didnt know before, he knows now. Keep an eye on your child. My stepson has a gf now and his mother and I keep tabs on every move they make. They are not allowed anywhere by themselves and even going to the movies there must be an adult in the theatre. Text messages are checked and he is not allowed over to her house(her older sister is a teen mom so its obvious her mother doesnt keep a good enough eye on them)

Im also a younger mother and with a 10 year age gap with my stepson and a 9 year age gap with my husband. I wouldnt worry about the age gap as long as you act as an adult and not a 22yr old college student. How long have you been with his father? If this is a new relationship/marriage it may be better to have a more serious talk with your husband about him doing the sex talk. That would be my only concern. Ive been a stepmom since the kids were 6 so we already had that parent/child relationship established a long time ago.

hopanka · January 2013

I would tread lightly here because the small age difference is a bit of a concern to me. It is hard for me to believe he views you as a parent....aren't you only 8 years older than him? That is actually less than is between my oldest brother and I. Where is his mom? Why isn't dad talking to him? I am glad you are trying to protect SS, however that talk should one from dad...and mom...if she is around. I'm sorry, I remember when I was 14. If a 22 year old was trying to have a sex talk with me, I would think they are either coming on to me, or they are creepy.

Littlejen22 · January 2013

How old was your DH when he got someone PG? A few years down the road is at least 16 and a decend chance he or his friends would already be having sex so um, horse out of the stable. The conversation needs to be now and include birth control and respect and that no means no even if a girl invites him over and lays naked in his bed. I heard something not long ago how we talk to our daughters about not getting raped but not to our sons about not being rapists and how many daterapists justify it and "just" did not listed to no and some if them were girls that wanted to do something and changed their minds, scary!

britbrat201 · January 2013

Hannahsmom25:
With my stepson was about 11 when he started asking me a few questions about sex. He started puberty then and now at 13 he has a mustache -__- The earlier you give the talk is better. If his friends start telling him things before you do it may be too late! Now as far as akward is concerned, it will be. Your talking to a child about sex, its not going to be fun lol.
Just be serious and do not give too many details. Ask him what he knows, what questions he has and then begin talking about the consequences (stds, reputation, teen pregnancy and the loss of freedom and the money struggles that come with it) Bring up how important it is to be respectful and wait to fall in love. I also kept bringing up the fact that now is not the time for sex- he should be living up being a teen and having fun, not worrying about acting like an adult.
Keep in mind, after you have the talk- he will be more informed. Whatever he didnt know before, he knows now. Keep an eye on your child. My stepson has a gf now and his mother and I keep tabs on every move they make. They are not allowed anywhere by themselves and even going to the movies there must be an adult in the theatre. Text messages are checked and he is not allowed over to her house(her older sister is a teen mom so its obvious her mother doesnt keep a good enough eye on them)
Im also a younger mother and with a 10 year age gap with my stepson and a 9 year age gap with my husband. I wouldnt worry about the age gap as long as you act as an adult and not a 22yr old college student. How long have you been with his father? If this is a new relationship/marriage it may be better to have a more serious talk with your husband about him doing the sex talk. That would be my only concern. Ive been a stepmom since the kids were 6 so we already had that parent/child relationship established a long time ago.

DH and I have been in a serous relationship (living together) for 3 years. I deinately am not the 22 yr old collage studant. I have already graduated collage and moved past that stage in my life. I am very responsible and treat my SS as my own child, not a friend. We have had other serious parent-child talks... curfew, going out with friends, sleepovers... dangers of the real world. He seems to always take me seriously and he knows that any rules I put in place are serious. I'm not treated any different than if I were his own mother.

MrsS81112 · February 2013

I completely understand what you mean! DH and I have been living together for 3 years also, married 08/11/12, and I am 22 years old also!

I moved home from college and in with DH, finished my bachelor's degree while living with DH and SS (he's 7 now).

Sometimes it's difficult dealing with being a step parent, especially so young. It's nice to see someone else my age!

Oh and good luck with the chat. I definitely think it needs to be done ASAP! (I'm a teacher and kids are maturing so much more quickly!)

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