A little extreme?

cecilyandgautam · January 2013

On my breastfeeding support listserve, our LC asked an AP therapist whether is would be better to gradually wean before a mother goes on a 2 week trip away from her 13 month old or to pump and hope that baby would nurse once reunited even though it would mean a sudden, even if temporary, stop to nursing.

Well the response from the therapist was really strongly worded. She described separations, of even a couple days, between mother and baby as traumatizing and equated the grief it would cause the child to the morning of a parent's death. Not only did she totally ignore the question at hand (which is better?) but she totally laid on the guilt trip.

I thought this was a little excessive. Thoughts? Do you think of your attachment to your child as a life & death matter? We lean more towards the AP side, but none of my psychology training leads me to draw such dramatic conclusions.

Temp123197812503460 · January 2013

that is crazy cakes! i left my LOs for a week around that age for work and honestly while I missed them some, it was mostly really a positive week for us all.

i pumped while gone (just 3x per day, much less than they nurse) and had 0 problem going back to nursing the instant they saw me (which is also what ive heard from every person ive ever asked who left their nursing toddler).

does the kid not have a trusted caregiver other than the mom? im all for AP, but i think its important for kids to be attached to more than 1 person

BelhurstBride · January 2013

Yea... That's a little extreme.

But, I think how the child will handle it depends large in part on the child. There is no way DD would have tolerated a two week stint away from me at 13 months old. I'm not so sure she'd tolerate it well, now. She's good with me being away for a long weekend as long as she's with Daddy, but that's it. I don't think she'd do more then an overnight without either of us.

nosoup4u · January 2013

cecilyandgautam:
I thought this was a little excessive. Thoughts? Do you think of your attachment to your child as a life & death matter? We lean more towards the AP side, but none of my psychology training leads me to draw such dramatic conclusions.

Ah jeez, I agree with you. What if there's a family emergency? What if leaving is the only way a parent can earn a living? Shiz like that gives AP a bad rap.

resilient61 · January 2013

We happened upon AP b/c it came most naturally to us. I had no intention of being so attached, but following DS1's cues kind of led us to it. That being said, we didn't leave DS1 with a sitter until he was 20mo and just left him overnight for the 1st time at 31m. (He weaned at 26m, so it had been months since he'd nursed.) He spent 2 nights with his (much adored) grandad, nana & auntie. He loved his time with them, but we had 3 weeks of separation anxiety (mainly at night, and very unusual for him) following this 2 night trip. I completely realize we're a bit extreme, but he's way ahead of developmental milestones in almost all categories (including social), and at least on track in the rest, so I'm confident that he responds well to our version of AP. Not being judgemental (I nannied for several families that left their kids with me overnight, though even the youngest we're already FF, with minimal to no consequences) but I had a hard enough time leaving my own DS for 2 nights after he had been weaned for several months. I couldn't imagine leaving him for even 1 night while he was still nursing.

TiffanyBerry · January 2013

fredalina:
I definitely think that was ridiculously worded. But I actually think I've read the mourning analogy before, maybe in "The Emotional Life of the Toddler"? I don't think it was meant in a nasty way in the book, but to help the mom or dad understand some of the emotions the child will go through. This counselor sounds like she took something that's partially true and twisted it to really push an agenda. For the record, I do think it is very extreme. I also think it's sometimes unavoidable. But if it can be avoided, at one year old a two week separation is a LOT. They just can't rationalize that you're coming back yet. (Also, they don't mourn death the same as an older child or adult...)

Pretty much this.

The response was extreme. Not entirely foundless as made up, but extreme and lacking in balance for everyone in the family.

Like a PP, I think my daughter would have flipped her lid (and we would have dealt with weeks of separation anxiety) if I had done that. But that is MY daughter, and every kid is different.

beautiflaw · January 2013

I highly doubt that the child would think the mother was gone forever and would mourn her as if she were dead after only 2 days, especially given the child's current age.

If it were me I'd make sure I spoke to DD daily on the phone or whatever, and have DH show her my picture and let her know that mommy went on a trip and will be back soon. I'd also try Skyping or some kind of webcam chat. If I had ample time before the trip I'd see if I could find a book about a parent going on a trip and then coming back.

As far as weaning or not I'd pump and hope to pick up BFing when I came back, but also probably taper off the feedings beforehand like weaning just in case when I came back she didn't want to nurse anymore.

cecilyandgautam · January 2013

Thanks for your replies ladies. I was wondering if I was the crazy one here.

I know it's not the same, but we've done a few 1-2 week trips without my husband and my daughter is really close to him. She acted up more but in no way was she "morning" him - we Skyped whenever we could and I think she generally understood that we were somewhere new. When we returned home, she stared at my husband for a few minutes then turned into all smiles.

I think I'm going to write this lady who originally asked for weaning/pumping advice and tell her I thought that was a little out of line, here's what we experienced on our solo parent trips.

Meganequine · January 2013

cecilyandgautam:
Thanks for your replies ladies. I was wondering if I was the crazy one here.
I know it's not the same, but we've done a few 1-2 week trips without my husband and my daughter is really close to him. She acted up more but in no way was she "morning" him - we Skyped whenever we could and I think she generally understood that we were somewhere new. When we returned home, she stared at my husband for a few minutes then turned into all smiles.
I think I'm going to write this lady who originally asked for weaning/pumping advice and tell her I thought that was a little out of line, here's what we experienced on our solo parent trips.

If you do write the original lady you can share my friend's experience. My friend got very ill right around when her son was 7 month old. She was on some meds that she couldn't BF on. She pumped and dumped for 3 weeks and her son ate formula. Once she was better they went back to BFing no problem.

cyprissa · January 2013

I took my first overnight when DS was 4 months for 3 days and he did not mourn me...we picked right back up where we left off. Then at 9 months I went away for 4 days, same deal. Same at 13 months after an 8 day trip and 15 months and a 9 day trip. Additionally, DH is military and gone for a year and we only see him once a month or so on long weekends...DS has never exhibited mourning behavior and while he misses Daddy, is doing just fine. He gets so excited when DH comes home. Since DH has been gone, I've had to go on a few more work trips and he's stayed with Nana or his Aunties and been fine.

Oh and I EBFed with no supplementing and we still nurse before bed and at wake up.

happywife2b · January 2013

Wow. Yes, extreme. Babies have no concept of death, so the example is inappropriate. Refusing to answer the question also inappropriate, and laying on guilt is a red flag signalling personal control/dominance issues. I would dismiss this person's rant as their own issue and seek advice elsewhere.

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