MH has a tobacco addiction..

Shannon526 · January 2013

I don't want this to get too long, so pardon me while I try to give you ladies the shortened version.

I knew DH used to smoke (cigars/weed/cigarettes). But he had stopped the cigarettes pretty soon after I met him. He will have a cigar if he's out celebrating something with his friends. The weed has been an ongoing disagreement since I met him, but I've accepted it. (I'm not sure why I dislike it.. I guess I just never saw the benefits of it)

This past weekend, I saw this e-cigarette type thing in our bathroom cabinet. I asked DH about it and, being such the horrendous liar he is, tried to come up with something on the spot and couldn't. He broke down and told me he has been smoking cigarettes for awhile. He said he hasn't actually bought a pack for himself, he's only been offered a cigarette here and there from friends and coworkers and that's when he smokes. He said he bought that e-cigarette to help him quit, but I know he's done that before and it hasn't worked.

I'm not sure what to think about this. I feel sad for him, that he hasn't been able to kick that tobacco addiction for the past 5 years. I feel dissapointed in him for lying to me about it. Part of me even feels betrayed, if that makes any sense. As if he could "cheat" on me with a cigarette.

What would you ladies do if YH told you he had an addiction he's been hiding from you? Or have any of you actually been in that situation before, how did you handle it?

cantalopes24 · January 2013

I would be pissed about him lying and I wouldn't let him use this as an excuse but maybe you need to do some self reflection to see why he felt like he needed to hide it. Is he normally sneaky or did he feel like he couldn't come to you?

ETA: It's possible it didn't work before because he felt pressured to quit as opposed to choosing it on his own. While I would be sure he understands how angry you are about lying I would also be supportive of him attempting to quit and be sure to keep the lines of communication about that open.

LCass · January 2013

I'm not sure how I'd feel about it, never having been in a similar situation. I think I'd be pissed about the lying, disappointed that he felt he had to hide it from me, but overall I'd try to focus on the fact that he's trying to quit. Also, while it does show a lot of deception as packer mentioned, the fact that you never suspected or smelled anything means that he is taking precautions to ensure that his pregnant wife and child aren't exposed to the second or third hand smoke. I know it doesn't make it better, but I think it's important to focus on the positives because if you just focus on the negative it's going to be hard on your marriage and won't help him quit.

amyc216 · January 2013

Ugh! I have been in a similar situation.... To begin with, I am so grossed out with smoking, dip, all that. MH and I started dating the summer before college and I knew he smoked here and there while drinking. I've never seen him smoking in any other situation. A few years after college we weren't really going out to bars or anything anymore so I never saw him smoking so I figured it's over. Then one day I find a can of dip and confronted him. He would always give me some lame excuse of just doing it while hanging out with my BIL or he just got that one when he went fishing. Then another time, I found out he sometimes smoked with guys before work. Sorry, I'm fuzzy on all this b/c it's been going on for YEARS! Recently, my mom told me when he picked up DS she saw spit bottles in his car (I know- so gross). I sent him a text that we needed to have a conversation about his dip habit when he got home that night and that would give him all day to come up with his latest BS excuse. He texted back that he hadn't done it in weeks. I told him I didn't believe him anymore. Then he called me and said his co-worker dipped and sometimes he would get some just for the ride home. He said he hardly ever bought it for himself, etc... I told him I was so pissed and that I didn't really believe him anymore. He knows I don't like it, this has gone on for years, but what can I do? Anyway, sorry that was so long. I can relate! I told him I feel like he hides it from me and he said he did b/c he knows how I feel.

LatteLady5 · January 2013

LCass:
I'm not sure how I'd feel about it, never having been in a similar situation. I think I'd be pissed about the lying, disappointed that he felt he had to hide it from me, but overall I'd try to focus on the fact that he's trying to quit. Also, while it does show a lot of deception as packer mentioned, the fact that you never suspected or smelled anything means that he is taking precautions to ensure that his pregnant wife and child aren't exposed to the second or third hand smoke. I know it doesn't make it better, but I think it's important to focus on the positives because if you just focus on the negative it's going to be hard on your marriage and won't help him quit.

Yeah this is a good point. Even though he was being deceptive I am sure more than anything he didn't want you to be disappointed in him. If your husband isn't generally a deceptive person I wouldn't think he was doing it to hurt you intentionally.

I don't think you should look at is as he's cheating on your with a cigarette but rather he foolishly kept an addiction from you because he didn't want you to be burdened with it and he didn't want to disappoint you. Whenever I'm upset with DH I always try to see things from his perspective first. It really helps me to remain calm and more understanding.

If I were you, I would simply tell him that you're hurt and upset that he hid this from you (or however you're feeling) and you will do everything you can to help him quit. The together explore options for helping him kick the habit AND hold him accountable.

DH used to smoke but quit cold turkey before he met me. Even after he quit I know he still struggled with it immensely. He had crazy nicotine cravings and was nauseous a lot and had mood swings. It was tough. I am sure your H will appreciate your support and understanding.

I also feel like by extending forgiveness to him now he will be more likely to do the same for your in the future.

missyishere · January 2013

I smoked for almost 16 years. I started at a very early age...
I can attest to the fact smoking is a very, very addictive habit. I have been smoke free for almost exactly 2 years, and although I have no desire to smoke again, I still get the tinge to light one up here and there. It's a giant chip on your shoulder, so I can see why he may hide it. I don't agree with lying to your spouse, but he probably holds a bit of shame for not sticking to quitting. I would say don't make it a huge deal and try to support him in quitting as much as you can.

Shannon526 · January 2013

Thanks ladies, you all have great advice and insight. To answer some of the questions.. he is not normally sneaky or deceptive. I had been naive to think that he had quit tobacco altogether, and I think that's why it caught me so off guard... because usually I can smell it. I never called him out on the cigarettes, so he never really had to lie to my face about it, he just had to hide the smell.

He never smoked a pack a day, he would buy a pack (back when he used to openly smoke), and it would last him a week or more.

I know he is embarressed and feels ashamed of his actions/lying. I know this time he wants to quit on his own, which makes me happy (and hopefull), but I'm still upset about the lying.

I know he feels the need to hide it from me because in the past, I haven't exactly been understanding or accepting of his choices. I assume that he thought that hiding it would just be the lesser of two evils for him?

I have never touched a cigarette in my life, so it is helpful to read the posts from people who have smoked. That might have been why MH was hiding it from me, because he knew I wouldn't understand how difficult it is for him to just stop.

I plan to talk with him tonight about it. I just want him to be able to tell me things without worrying if I will judge him. But maybe that is something I need to work on, too.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Quitting smoking is really effing hard. If you haven't tried (or ever been addicted to anything), you really can't get it.

You're right, he probably kept it from you because he doesn't feel all that supported in his efforts, and sharing slip ups with you would just make him feel judged. Honestly, I would just forget about it. He messed up, but feeling bad does nothing to help the problem. He needs to feel that he can open up to you about how hard it is for him, and he can't do that if he thinks you're going to feel betrayed.

For the record, smoking occasionally here and there does not mean he is going to go buy a pack and start smoking again. It's really not that big of a deal. However, if he quit recently, he's not ready for this.

My advice is to support his using the e-cigarette as much as he needs to. They really do work. Make sure he has one that's quality and that he uses it. I used one to quit smoking, and after a few weeks, I liked it BETTER than cigarettes. Now instead of bumming cigarettes when I'm out with friends, I use my e-cigarette.

It will not stink up your house, and it will not affect you or your kids (one republished study on the main ingredient in one kind of e-cig even shows that it reduces the likelihood of catching the flu). There is no second-hand nicotine from e-cigs. There is no tar or carbon monoxide. If your H can switch completely, he will no longer have a tobacco addition, because e-cigs do not contain tobacco. He will still have a nicotine addiction, just like he would if he used the patch or gum. And he can step that addiction down gradually with e-cigs, just like with the patch or gum.

Sorry if I sound like a shill. I'm not. They just really worked for me and I'm a big proponent of them to get people to quit smoking.

cantalopes24 · January 2013

overture:
Quitting smoking is really effing hard. If you haven't tried (or ever been addicted to anything), you really can't get it.
You're right, he probably kept it from you because he doesn't feel all that supported in his efforts, and sharing slip ups with you would just make him feel judged. Honestly, I would just forget about it. He messed up, but feeling bad does nothing to help the problem. He needs to feel that he can open up to you about how hard it is for him, and he can't do that if he thinks you're going to feel betrayed.
For the record, smoking occasionally here and there does not mean he is going to go buy a pack and start smoking again. It's really not that big of a deal. However, if he quit recently, he's not ready for this.
My advice is to support his using the e-cigarette as much as he needs to. They really do work. Make sure he has one that's quality and that he uses it. I used one to quit smoking, and after a few weeks, I liked it BETTER than cigarettes. Now instead of bumming cigarettes when I'm out with friends, I use my e-cigarette.
It will not stink up your house, and it will not affect you or your kids (one republished study on the main ingredient in one kind of e-cig even shows that it reduces the likelihood of catching the flu). There is no second-hand nicotine from e-cigs. There is no tar or carbon monoxide. If your H can switch completely, he will no longer have a tobacco addition, because e-cigs do not contain tobacco. He will still have a nicotine addiction, just like he would if he used the patch or gum. And he can step that addiction down gradually with e-cigs, just like with the patch or gum.
Sorry if I sound like a shill. I'm not. They just really worked for me and I'm a big proponent of them to get people to quit smoking.

All of this. My brother owns a legit e cig store and they make their own juices. I sometimes work there and help out and I even bring the kids with me when I work. I don't let them get near the nicotine itself but in reality its pretty much just like caffeine. The ingredients they use are food additives basically. They help with psychological addiction because they replace the feeling of holding something, bringing it up to your mouth, puffing out. Patches and gum don't do that. You can also generally chose the amount of nicotine so you can dial it back. Here it is becoming just a popular thing to do and we sell juice to people who use no nicotine, they just find vaping relaxing. A lot of people that come into the store are middle age and older who are looking to quit smoking because of health issues and most people I know say it works and that they now can't stand to be around other people who smoke and can't believe they ever did. You just have to be sure you're using something good quality, generally when people say it didn't work them if you ask they bought it at a 7-11, off TV or a mall kiosk.

LatteLady5 · January 2013

Shannon526:
Thanks ladies, you all have great advice and insight. To answer some of the questions.. he is not normally sneaky or deceptive. I had been naive to think that he had quit tobacco altogether, and I think that's why it caught me so off guard... because usually I can smell it. I never called him out on the cigarettes, so he never really had to lie to my face about it, he just had to hide the smell.

He never smoked a pack a day, he would buy a pack (back when he used to openly smoke), and it would last him a week or more.

I know he is embarrassed and feels ashamed of his actions/lying. I know this time he wants to quit on his own, which makes me happy (and hopefull), but I'm still upset about the lying.

I know he feels the need to hide it from me because in the past, I haven't exactly been understanding or accepting of his choices. I assume that he thought that hiding it would just be the lesser of two evils for him?

I have never touched a cigarette in my life, so it is helpful to read the posts from people who have smoked. That might have been why MH was hiding it from me, because he knew I wouldn't understand how difficult it is for him to just stop.

I plan to talk with him tonight about it. I just want him to be able to tell me things without worrying if I will judge him. But maybe that is something I need to work on, too.

I think you have the right attitude. I am sure quitting will be easier with your support and understanding. You'll have to let us know how your conversation goes!

[Deleted User] · January 2013

cantalopes24:
You just have to be sure you're using something good quality, generally when people say it didn't work them if you ask they bought it at a 7-11, off TV or a mall kiosk.

So much this.

If your H is an internet guy, have him visit the ecigarette forum and do some research on good kits for beginners.

Shannon526 · January 2013

cantalopes24:
overture:

Quitting smoking is really effing hard. If you haven't tried (or ever been addicted to anything), you really can't get it.

You're right, he probably kept it from you because he doesn't feel all that supported in his efforts, and sharing slip ups with you would just make him feel judged. Honestly, I would just forget about it. He messed up, but feeling bad does nothing to help the problem. He needs to feel that he can open up to you about how hard it is for him, and he can't do that if he thinks you're going to feel betrayed.

For the record, smoking occasionally here and there does not mean he is going to go buy a pack and start smoking again. It's really not that big of a deal. However, if he quit recently, he's not ready for this.

My advice is to support his using the e-cigarette as much as he needs to. They really do work. Make sure he has one that's quality and that he uses it. I used one to quit smoking, and after a few weeks, I liked it BETTER than cigarettes. Now instead of bumming cigarettes when I'm out with friends, I use my e-cigarette.

It will not stink up your house, and it will not affect you or your kids (one republished study on the main ingredient in one kind of e-cig even shows that it reduces the likelihood of catching the flu). There is no second-hand nicotine from e-cigs. There is no tar or carbon monoxide. If your H can switch completely, he will no longer have a tobacco addition, because e-cigs do not contain tobacco. He will still have a nicotine addiction, just like he would if he used the patch or gum. And he can step that addiction down gradually with e-cigs, just like with the patch or gum.

Sorry if I sound like a shill. I'm not. They just really worked for me and I'm a big proponent of them to get people to quit smoking.

All of this. My brother owns a legit e cig store and they make their own juices. I sometimes work there and help out and I even bring the kids with me when I work. I don't let them get near the nicotine itself but in reality its pretty much just like caffeine. The ingredients they use are food additives basically. They help with psychological addiction because they replace the feeling of holding something, bringing it up to your mouth, puffing out. Patches and gum don't do that. You can also generally chose the amount of nicotine so you can dial it back. Here it is becoming just a popular thing to do and we sell juice to people who use no nicotine, they just find vaping relaxing. A lot of people that come into the store are middle age and older who are looking to quit smoking because of health issues and most people I know say it works and that they now can't stand to be around other people who smoke and can't believe they ever did. You just have to be sure you're using something good quality, generally when people say it didn't work them if you ask they bought it at a 7-11, off TV or a mall kiosk.

You are right. I know that I need to be supportive of his efforts to quit with the e-cig. I'm just happy he is trying to quit on his own, rather than from someone else (mainly me) harping on him to quit.

I definitely will ask him where he bought it, because from what Lopes said, that seems to make a difference in the effectiveness of it.

Elsa1984 · January 2013

I would be upset that he hid it from me, but I would let him know I support him fully in stopping the addiction and help him along the way.

Gipper0809 · January 2013

Such a hard thing! My DH chewed tobacco for 20 years (he started when he was in jr. high) and a year and a half ago quit cold turkey. It was super hard and living with him wasn't fun for a week or so, but I'm so proud of him for sticking with it. He used an online forum for support and I did my best to encourage him.

There's no way for those of us who have never smoked/etc. to fully understand how hard it is to quit and how addicting it really is. Hang in there!

CMonkey515 · January 2013

overture:
Quitting smoking is really effing hard. If you haven't tried (or ever been addicted to anything), you really can't get it.
You're right, he probably kept it from you because he doesn't feel all that supported in his efforts, and sharing slip ups with you would just make him feel judged. Honestly, I would just forget about it. He messed up, but feeling bad does nothing to help the problem. He needs to feel that he can open up to you about how hard it is for him, and he can't do that if he thinks you're going to feel betrayed.
For the record, smoking occasionally here and there does not mean he is going to go buy a pack and start smoking again. It's really not that big of a deal. However, if he quit recently, he's not ready for this.
My advice is to support his using the e-cigarette as much as he needs to. They really do work. Make sure he has one that's quality and that he uses it. I used one to quit smoking, and after a few weeks, I liked it BETTER than cigarettes. Now instead of bumming cigarettes when I'm out with friends, I use my e-cigarette.
It will not stink up your house, and it will not affect you or your kids (one republished study on the main ingredient in one kind of e-cig even shows that it reduces the likelihood of catching the flu). There is no second-hand nicotine from e-cigs. There is no tar or carbon monoxide. If your H can switch completely, he will no longer have a tobacco addition, because e-cigs do not contain tobacco. He will still have a nicotine addiction, just like he would if he used the patch or gum. And he can step that addiction down gradually with e-cigs, just like with the patch or gum.
Sorry if I sound like a shill. I'm not. They just really worked for me and I'm a big proponent of them to get people to quit smoking.

This 100%. I also smoked and quit with the e-cig. It took me about 2 months of gradually stepping down the nicotine cartridges to get down to zero nicotine content. At that point I was able to stop completely and have never looked back. I tried to quit so many times before using, gum, patches, and cold turkey. I failed each time. E-cigs can take a little longer, but work so much better. And even if he did decide to continue to use the e-cig on occasion they're really not that bad for you.

Also I agree that it sucks that YH lied to you. He should have been honest, but I can see where he was coming from too. Quitting is very hard. It's even harder when people who've never smoked before are giving you a hard time or judging you about it. Because they can't really understand how much of a struggle it it.

I would let YH know that you were upset he lied, but you support his efforts to quit in whichever way he is comfortable with. Believe me, he'll appreciate it.

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