Conflicted feelings
cecilyandgautam
member
We want more but thinking about another delivery makes me so nervous. I can't think about it without tearing up. I felt so betrayed by my medical team last time, which included a midwife & a doula, and I just don't know how I could trust another medical team. For those of you who are close to your next delivery or have had your VBAC already, how did you cope with these feelings and have you been able to put your trust in a new team?
Right now, my hope would be to labor as long as I could at home to minimize the opportunities for interventions and psychological harassment. I realize this is crazy, but part of me hopes I deliver at home "by accident" before we can get out the door, that way there'd only be the apgar & postpartum clean up for the team to care take of. I know that's not safe so I don't actually want to go that route, but I just can't imagine trusting anyone to attend to me before I'm already pushing. Am I the only one who feels this way?
Re: Conflicted feelings
Thanks for your reply. My first labor actually was an attempted homebirth and we transferred when I thought it medically made sense, so I never felt like I was in medical danger, but emotionally I felt very mishandled. The midwife was only in the same room with me during the checks and would tell me I wasn't trying hard enough; she didn't offer any forms of comfort and even said I needed to be more uncomfortable; I was at the end of my strength and she just did not believe me. (When we got to the hospital, they confirmed my contractions were indeed very strong!) It felt even more personal because she was in my home, belittling me at my most vulnerable moment so I just don't feel open to inviting some one into my home again. At least at a hospital, I can walk out if I need to.
The doula was a whole nother story - in hide sight, I should have picked some one more experienced. She just didn't know what to do.
I feel similar to you. My doctor never came into check on me until I had been pushing for 2 hours and she said, I don't think you can push this baby out so let's just do a c-section. I was tired from being in labor for 16 hours and just agreed because I trusted her to find out the nurses who had been with me pushing those 2 hours felt that I could do it.
I'm so frustrated about what happened and how painful the actual c-section was during and after that I'm afraid of having another baby.
Good luck and I hope you are able to find someone you can trust - its tough!
I definitely have experienced similar feelings. This topic can certainly be emotionally charged. I often tear up at the thought of L&D either because I imagine it going badly, or because I imagine it going well. It's just emotional for me!
With that said, I went with a new care provider this time and I DO trust them. I'm with a team of midwives this time and I've definitely built a more personal relationship with them and after asking all the "right" questions am totally confident that I'm with the right team to support me for this pregnancy, labor, and delivery.
I think it's going to be important for you to really find a provider that meshes well with your beliefs and who you can really trust and feel supported by. You might be in a unique situation in maybe you felt like that last time (I didn't really have those feelings about my old OB, but didn't know better at the time when I should have found someone I did click with), but I think you will be able to find someone. Hopefully
It sounds like in the end you had a really crappy midwife.
GL!
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I agree with all of this. I didn't feel betrayed by my medical team, but our DS was hospitalized unexpectedly after birth for a week, and DH and I were pretty messed up about how the medical staff dealt with us during that time. Lots of residents and doctors being pretty jerky about our kid, which was a hard thing to go through, especially while also trying to heal from an unplanned c/s. The combo of both made me dread going to a hospital for my VBAC, but there's not really any great home birth options where I live for VBACs.
Anyhoo, long story short, I found a CNM who was great, and also a doula who I could talk to about my worries, which really did help. And once labor started, I wasn't as stressed about going back to a hospital to give birth as I was during my pregnancy.
Do you have an active local ICAN group? That might be a good place to talk to other women who've been through similar births. And https://solaceformothers.org/ is a message board dedicated to women who've had traumatic births.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I'm relieved that DS did not fall out if me at home though... It was entirely possible as I had a precipitous labor. He was born blue and needed some help breathing so the hospital was the right place for us.
Thanks for your reply. She's the founding midwife of the most popular midwife practice in the area and the only group covered by insurance that does homebirths in the area. I think she usually is much better at her job, but for me - I was in labor all of christmas day and the truth is she didn't want to be there. And she wasn't in any meaningful way. She literally wasn't even in the same room with me except for a few checks. I mean, even the best of the best have their crappy days and I can't help whether I'm the unlucky one who is assigned to them that day. That's why I feel so nervous - I'm trying to make sure that when we're TTC next time we won't end up with a due date near a major holiday again. I know that sounds crazy too, I guess I'm just a crazy person now