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Blended Families
back to court we go...
Alright ladies, I rarely ever post here but since most of my girlfriends are either single moms or married y'all are my only "pals" that may have some insight. DH and I have been together since my SD was just about a year old.
I have twin 8yr old daughters from a previous marriage and he and I have a 2yr old daughte together.
When we first began the custody battle for visitation with SD she was only 19 months, we asked for 50/50 knowing it was a longshot but only ended up getting 25%. Dad never went a day without seeing her though, he took care of her while mom was at work, but due to moms allegations (which were never substantiated) that SD wasn't fed and came home dehydrated and with diaper rash and was mistreated by me and my at the time 5 yhr old daughters, among many more rediculous allegations, the mediator and Judge gave dad weekdays from 7 noon and one overnight. About a year into it we asked that the overnight on Mondays be turned into everyother weekend to which mom agreed to out of court.
Fast forward... today she SD is almost 5 yrs getting ready to start kindergarten and so DH asked to discuss the possibility of a week on week off schedule. We feel that when she starts school this schedule would work better then the back and forth every day that we do now. Now, I won't say things have been great with BM, but for the past 2 years there have been no furthur allegations (at least documented in court) and there have been many extra days given as well as vacations that have for the most part gone smoothly(no cops or CPS.. yes that is a step up for us)
But now that dad presented her with this request, there are new allegations. IE, we send SD in "low quality" clothing or with shoes without soles, or that she doesn't enjoy coming to our house and she cries on her way over which we have never witnessed and again that she doesn't eat properly and or is dehydrated or that dad bullies her into telling mom how she feels (this is usually when SD asks to go somewhere with us and DH tells her she needs to ask her mom, and when SD gets upset at mom, BM says he did it on purpose to make SD upset at her... dillusional)
We filed all docs to take it to mediation, but I was just wondering, is a week on week off a reasonable request for a kid starting school? And if not then since most of dads time is during school times what should we ask for instead?
SD has said she wants to try this schedule after we explained to her how many days it would be, but her mom told her "fine if that's what you want go live with your dad, and she (me) can be your new mommy" and that if she's with dad for a week he will "make her bleed" so now SD is not only scared her mom will disown her for wanting to try a new schedule but that dad will hurt her?!
In the past we have learned that telling them about the crazy things she does is seen as bashing mom. its as if they dont think that she could possibly actually be THAT crazy... which (very little exageration) she is beyond THAT CRAZY! but, for stuff like that it only leads to the mediator thinking dad is judging this "poor single mom" so we are worried to even bring it all up!
We just want her to have more stabliry when school starts and to not loose any more time then we already have. We don't want to be difficult or take SD away from mom, DH just wants his daughter to be happy Ans healthy and maybe more time with her mom and away rather than back and forth daily might help. What are some of your experiences with similarif any situations???? I really don't want to drag this to trial and have to get lawyers again! I mean it seems so logical to us, I guess that's why I'm asking...
I know Im asking for it, but I would LOVE to hear from BM's that could shed some light as to why on earth a single mom wouldnt want her daughter to be with dad more??? I mean, I have a great relationship with my ex and his wife, I guess I had reservations for the first year or so, but after going on 4 years??? I do NOT get it! I get it that some dads are POS's but in our case, hes an amazing Dad to his SD's and to our LO, he coaches their baseball teams, helps out in all their classes, goes to all dr apts, I dont mean to toot horns, but after all these years why not be glad to have chosen such a great Dad for your daughter????
This discussion has been closed.
Re: back to court we go...
we keep documentation of as much as we possibly can!
however, luckily they do much of their communication via txt message and virtually all of the arrangements we make we have learned to get in writting and signed so yes, I believe we have a lot of documentation showing her agreeing to more time.
You may want to propose several schedules for once school starts. That way you are showing that dad just wants his time and is willing to work with BM. I would suggest the week on/week off. A Mon-Wed am for dad than Wed pm-Fri for mom and switch the weekends. Also maybe dad get Thurs (after school) to Mon (school drop off) three weekends out of 4.
It sounds like you are coming from the right place. Just keep SDs interest first. Good luck!!!
Lots of NCPs are treated like deadbeats no matter how much they are involved physically, financially, and emotionally. You are not alone.
Well, in my case, my ex lives three hours away. We just can't do 50/50 based on distance alone.
He sees DS as much as possible, (every other week-end, every other holiday and an extra two weeks in the summer.) I'm pretty flexible with the summer time too as long as I have a little notice.
At one point, my ex was trying to get every week-end, but that was ridiculous. I wasn't going to drive a three hour round trip twice every single week-end. Plus, I work monday to friday. I wanted a week-end with my son to spend time with him and do some fun stuff too.
A guy friend of mine was a stellar dad and didn't get 50/50 until his son was 8 years old. And he had to pay out the wazoo for a really good attorney. I think most judges just like to keep the status quo. So if you have had 25% all this time I think it would be a battle to get 50/50 without presenting a really strong case for why there should be such a big change. Just my opinion.
Also just curious how much time your ex spends with your kids? Is it 50/50?
Working strictly from your first post, I wouldn't recommend week on week off for a young child. There is a mother on a single mother's board who has this schedule, and her daughter gets very confused and unhappy at the switch. With her mother being so odd about it, she's only going to get more upset. Change is a big thing for a young kid at any time, and your situation seems more stressful than most. I would recommend keeping the every other weekend and extending a few weekday visits into weeknights. That way, you keep your time and BM gets about the same amount of time.
Speaking as a single mother, I can't really say why your BM would be acting the way she is. All the things you're saying she says sounds like she has a screw loose. As for why a single mother wouldn't want their child to have more time with their dad if he's a good father, all I can say is that no parent wants to lose time with their child. Look at her angle. Any time she is away from that baby is hard, and she doesn't just lose the time that sd is at your house. She loses all the time she has to work, etc. Depending on the situation that caused the breakup, she could be seeing it as him taking her daughter away. Again, that's with a normal situation. With your situation, any of that could be intensified by whatever's causing her to act like she is. Good luck!