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Special Needs
malcivar
member
Tantrum/meltdown question
malcivar
member
Chris tantrums - a lot. This is not new although (and only you all will understand), his tantrums are more like regular tantrums now than this "omg, what does he need that we're not understanding?" ones. Basically if he doesn't get what he wants, he plops himself on the floor and starts crying/screaming. Of course, ASD is in the mix because he also tantrums sometimes when he transitions from something he likes to something else (even if that something else is also something he likes).
Anyway, DH is a do-er. He's always trying to teach or "drill" Chris. When we get home each night, he tries to get Chris to do a puzzle with him. Sometimes Chris wants to, sometimes he doesn't. It happens either way. So last night, puzzle time wasn't so bad but towards the end, Chris started to tantrum. Crying, crying and more crying. They finished the puzzle and DH starts with "where's your nose?" Chris is still well into his tantrum and DH just keeps at "where's your nose? look at my eyes. where's your nose? point to your nose." and the tantrum is getting more intense and I start seeing Chris's face change where he's no longer mad/angry but just seems like he's getting lost in the tantrum (like he just can't rein himself in anymore). DH doesn't let up and keeps at him with "where's your nose, point to your nose, where are your ears, where are my eyes, look at my eyes ..." etc etc etc
I get very stressed when he does this but DH gets angry if I try to intervene and says I'm not helping.
So my question is - accepting that maybe I'm more inclined to try to "rescue" Chris than I should be - is continuing to drill him until he responds (probably because he's just so exhausted to keep fighting) the way to go or should DH really just back off.
And along those lines, should DH be so insistent on "look at my eyes" when Chris is in tantrum/meltdown mode? I'm not sure if that helps or makes it worse.
Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Tantrum/meltdown question
What Auntie said. :-)
But wanted to add, that I would encourage your husband to just have fun with him for a few mins at the end of the day. Can they just play cars or trains together? Do something on the ipad? Go out in the yard and play chase for a while? Do whatever Chris wants to do - its the interaction thats important. Let chris pick the activity - does it have to be a puzzle because your DH thinks thats an educational or theraputic task?
It sounds like a failed attempt to distract him or get him to focus on something other than the tantrum. Something that might work with a typical kid who was tantruming for attention -- but probably pretty useless for a kid with ASD who's melting down and doesn't have the same level of ability to pull themselves out of it.
I'd think about sitting down with him and ideally, one of the therapists he respects and saying something like, "We need a better, consistent plan to deal with Chris's tantrums. What are everybody's ideas on his triggers and how we can deal?"
That makes room for a larger discussion than just "quit asking him to point to his nose" or writing each other off as drilling vs. coddling. If you present yourself as also needing help and new ideas to deal with those situations, I think it puts him less on the defensive and more like he's also part of the team. Admit that you fight the impulse to rescue C, and talk about where each of you think the point of rescue/backing off should be. It sounds like eye contact needs to be a topic of discussion on the pros/cons of forcing it, and a professional's opinion might be helpful input. There's probably a happy medium somewhere in between that all of you can live with that's good for Chris, but nobody gets there unless you & DH are actively trying to address your perspectives.
Even if you're already pretty sure you know the typical antecedents and how to deal, he may have different POV -- and maybe the two (hopefully three )of you can come up with strategies that work for him, and possibly a new idea or two that you can use, too.
Sometimes I have to rein myself in from spouting "but this expert says" and "that's not going to work" and "haven't you noticed x and y" and admit my own, different flaws up front, and then DH is more amenable to talking about his and we can actually come up with some good ideas to deal. This works in a variety of marital situations
but particularly when it comes to parenting.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
Thank you everyone for the feedback.
I'm going to see if I can speak to Chris's team to see what homework they can give DH with parameters set on how far to push Chris. I understand that there has to be some pushing but again, I think DH sometimes just pushes too far - and you guys nailed it on the head; it has more to do with his anxiety over Chris than anything else. I can hear it in the tone of his voice - desperation isn't the right word but it's something akin to that, like Chris NOT doing what he's asking him to would be the worst thing ever, KWIM?