Has this ever happened to anyone?

Malvagia · January 2013

DH and I have been TTC for almost 5 years now. When we got married DH talked about how he wanted lots of kids and I always said I only wanted 2 or 3.

After 1 year of TTC I got myself checked up and no problems were found. DH finally got himself tested last year and it turns out he has a very low sperm count. He was devastated at first but then his attitude improved. We're going to try IVF in a few months but this past weekend DH told me that he's not that interested in having kids anymore but he will have kids if that's what I want.

This came up because I was talking about how frustrating infertility is and he angrily told me how I shouldn't dwell on our misfortune and that he wouldn't blame me if I left him.

I feel like I can't seek comfort from him when this whole infertility thing gets me down. I wouldn't be surprised if he feels hurt because in a way it must feel like I'm blaming him. He says he knows it's his fault and he fully accepts that. I thought that was a harsh thing to say about himself.

I feel like I have to put on a brave face when friends who don't know we're TTC say things like, "if you guys are planning on having kids..." Now it feels like I have to pretend that infertility doesn't bother me when I'm with DH.

Has anyone experienced anything like this?

dede0726 · January 2013

I am sorry you are going through this. Guys often don't do well handling things when it's "their fault". Obviously you and I both know there is no fault in IF and that this isn't his choice. But, they would rather not deal with it at all than travel down a long road to the unknown. I would bet that is why he is giving you an out of saying he wouldn't blame you if you leave. I would recommend sitting down together and laying it all out on the table - how you feel, how he feels - and figure out what is best for you together.

Good luck!

JourneytoJoy07 · January 2013

I'm so sorry this is happenng to you. I understand it all too well. We also suffer from MFI only and it's difficult. You just have to assure him that it's not his fault or anyone elses. You guys are a team and unit and IF is a struggle within a couple not one individual spouse. Do not let him give up and be encouraging to him. Trust me when I say that it is very hard to be an encourager when you are also suffering but it's the only way to keep him strong. MFI can be very difficult and you have to be ready for the long haul. PM me if you ever need anything.

new+tothis · January 2013

I bet that DH feels this way about me. Whatever anyone says it is MY fault. My body is the one that doesn't function properly and therefore it is my fault we can't reproduce. It's harsh but it's also true. I don't expect it to never bother DH but if he gets really down about it I start crying and blaming myself even more. I wish I could stop but I can't. I'm not depressed or anything either. I grieved and I worked through it. I'm hopeful about IVF. If this fails, I'll grieve for that. It ebbs and it flows. Can you confide in someone other than your H about it? DH and I used to talk about it more but we learned that just leads to blame on my part. Now we talk about kids and treatment but not specifically our struggles with IF.

lily_721 · January 2013

ticker warning

My DH had a very difficult time seeing how painful the IF journey was for me. He would never have gone down this road unless I wanted it so much. He was an amazing supporter throughout IVF (and I needed it emotionally and physically).

Guys have a hard time when they think they are at fault. My DH is currently hating himself because our LO has a birth defect with her foot. He cried during the OB appt today when we found out (he never cries about anything). I'm sad but I can't cry to DH because he blames himself.

IVF can work through so many known and unknown roadblocks in your journey. We thought DH had a low count problem. It was very frustrating and he again blamed himself for my despair. When we did IVF, his numbers were good enough that we didn't need ICSI so he felt redeemed.

Good luck. This is a hard journey but worth it to being stronger marriage partners.

Gr8te · January 2013

I was kind of in a similar situation. My DH thought IVF was a walk in the park and because I was apprehensive about it meant that I didn't want to have his biological children. If I was ever worried about IVF, he'd accuse me of just trying to make him feel bad. I finally broke down and said this isn't about him. Yes, we're in this situation because of MFI, but he needed to get over himself. If we were going to move forward with IVF, he needed to be supportive and quit making the situation worse by accusing me of feelings I don't have. I would guess your DH just feels bad because he knows IVF is tough and wants to make sure that's what you want to do. It sounds like he's giving you an out. =(

kseav · January 2013

lily_721:
ticker warningMy DH had a very difficult time seeing how painful the IF journey was for me.nbsp; He would never have gone down this road unless I wanted it so much.nbsp; He was an amazing supporter throughout IVF and I needed it emotionally and physically.nbsp; Guys have a hard time when they think they are at fault.nbsp; My DH is currently hating himself because our LO has a birth defectnbsp;with her foot.nbsp; He cried during the OB appt today when we found out he never cries about anything.nbsp; I'm sad but I can't cry to DH because he blames himself.IVF can work through so many known and unknown roadblocks in your journey.nbsp; We thought DH had a low count problem.nbsp; It was very frustrating and he again blamed himself for my despair.nbsp; When we did IVF, his numbers were good enough that we didn't need ICSI so he felt redeemed.Good luck.nbsp; This is a hard journey but worth it to being stronger marriage partners.nbsp;

Ditto this!! I believe this is why it is so hard for them. I know MH hated seeing everything I was physically going through that it made him blame himself more. So when he says he wouldn't blame you if you left it may be him thinking "she could have the family she wants with someone else without going through the pain". Talk to him about it as pp stated. Hope that helps!

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