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Maybe Joleisa · January 2013

Hi girls! I recognize most of you from the IF board. This board arrived just as I started thinking about the use of DE...is that a sign? I'm kinda looking for a sign, because I just feel so lost. The wind blows and my mind changes.

If you are on mobile and can't see my siggy, DH has low morph and I am AMA. We did 5 IUIs and 2 IVFs, with a BFP this last cycle on my 40th birthday! The egg split and we were pg with identical twins, but their hearts stopped beating and I had a D&C last week.

I'm kinda hoping something comes back in the D&C results that will push me in the direction of DE. We have 1 more cycle that we will either use my OEs (will just have to pay for meds) or add on $$ to convert to DE. We are OOP, so if we use my OE again and are not successful we'll have to wait & save for DEs. <--That's what DH said; I'd like to loan it from 401k and start in the Fall. Wink I go to Shady Grove and we'd probably do their 1:3 DE shared risk--I like the safety of a guaranteed program. Of course if we convert to DE and it fails, I think it might hurt more because of the "what ifs" and we'd be having to re-save anyway. FUIF.

If we had insurance coverage this would be a no-brainer and we'd continue using OE. At what point/how did you determine to move on to DE? (and for those who may not have had a choice medically to use OEs, what made you choose DE vs adoption)

Sorry if this got long and I look forward to learning a lot more from you ladies.

BRSaugust20 · January 2013

Welcome but sorry you have to be here. I live in MA so was very lucky to have IF coverage. We did 4 IVFs with my own eggs and our RE was willing to do a 5th cycle but told us based on the response from the prior cycles he thought I was time to think about other options. I was at the point I just wanted to start my family and did t care much how anymore.

After taking some time to grieve the loss of the genetic connection, we decided to pursue DE over adoption because I really wanted to pregnant and felt I was now an expert in the process. I found the research about adoption to be overwhelming. We were also coming up to my 40th birthday which would mean the loss of insurance coverage.

This was just a long way of saying you will know when you are ready to give up on your own eggs. I am totally at peace wih our decision and don't regret it for a minute. Good luck with your decision.

ela81 · January 2013

Hi and welcome! I'm so sorry about your loss. I hope you find a path that works for you and your dh. Good luck!

Maybe Joleisa · January 2013

BRSaugust20:
Welcome but sorry you have to be here. I live in MA so was very lucky to have IF coverage. We did 4 IVFs with my own eggs and our RE was willing to do a 5th cycle but told us based on the response from the prior cycles he thought I was time to think about other options. I was at the point I just wanted to start my family and did t care much how anymore. After taking some time to grieve the loss of the genetic connection, we decided to pursue DE over adoption because I really wanted to pregnant and felt I was now an expert in the process. I found the research about adoption to be overwhelming. We were also coming up to my 40th birthday which would mean the loss of insurance coverage. This was just a long way of saying you will know when you are ready to give up on your own eggs. I am totally at peace wih our decision and don't regret it for a minute. Good luck with your decision.

Thank you so much for your response. Oddly, I feel like I grieved the loss of using my OEs sometime during the IUI process. I'm so sick of failure and so very ready to start my family yesterday, though I know not even DE is a guarantee.

2MamazInSeattle · January 2013

For my partner and I, using DS was a given since we are both women. However, using DE too was not expected. We did go straight to DE because I had a low follicle count and crappy AMH. We decided that bringing home a baby was more important than reproducing my genetics (which have a few things lacking...but I guess don't we all). I also felt a little relieved at some of the "up sides" - not carrying on some of the family history I have (thyroid issues, kidney stones, depression); also lowering the risk of miscarriage due to egg quality, and minimizing other risks like downs and other trisomies.

We opted for this route over adoption because of a few things. First, I wanted to be pregnant. Second, my clinic recommended this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Origins-Months-Before-Birth-Shape/dp/B004Z4M1A4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358631883&sr=8-1&keywords=origins+pregnancy

Reading it made me even more passionate about being pregnant, but even moreso, how much impact I could have on my donor baby by having a healthy pregnancy and making the effort to keep stress low, take supplements, eat thoughtfully, exercise, and show this little one love and affection from the day of ET on. I really, really believe that matters! There is a lot of material out there on the impact of the mom's mental state to one's psyche - I guess I just wanted the chance to do my best for the baby and give them the best shot I can by them knowing/feeling wanted from 8 cells on....

Sorry your road has been rough and so sad about your twins . You will find the right path for you! Feel free to PM me anytime. We ended up with an amazing donor and we feel the right things just happened for us!

happywifemomofone · January 2013

We went to 3 different REs in 2011, began IVF 5 different cycles (transferred 3 times). Our very first RE cancelled us and said that he would only work with us if we moved to DE. We were not ready to hear that yet, that's why we kept trying with our OE. We had a chemical with OE, which tricked us into believing that just maybe we could have a happy outcome that way. We live in IL, a state where IF coverage is mandated. We can have 4 IVF cycles, there's no age limit. So #4 is our final, using our best odds of success, DE. We had to save and come up with a plan for a whole year before we could make this a reality-that year seemed like forever to us. I have seen other ladies in my age category successful with DE, but not so much with their OE. We decided last year that we would be terrified of a PG with my OE, because of all the risks, including high risk of MC. Deciding to do DE was not a decision easily reached-but a process that occurred over time.

erink1981 · January 2013

Hi! I'm sorry to hear about your recent loss

I went through 3 losses and then had RPL testing which showed a balanced translocation with my chromosomes. We originally looked into adopting and signed with a local agency over a year ago and a national agency about 6 months ago. After only being shown to one expectant mom in the past year we decided to look into DE's. I like you am always "looking for a sign". While we were at the RE's to discuss the process a great donor became available so we basically saw that as "a sign" and jumped in:)

We are completely OOP so we opted for our clinics money back program. Looking at a mid feb transfer.

I know it can be a hard decision to make. I wish you luck in whichever path you take!!

AmCheri · January 2013

Hi there. While our situations are different, we went through all of the questions you're now grappling with.

One thing I learned to accept is that to some degree, there will always be "what-ifs" that will follow you. We all want guarantees and certainty, but we can't have it. For me, making the choice to use DE involved a lot of faith. Faith that we made the right choice. Faith that there is life after DE and it can be a beautiful one.

Our decision followed three IVF attempts, including one miscarriage with my OE. The other two cycles were cancelled due to poor response. What made the decision clear to me were black and white numbers. Numbers which showed that if we tried again with my OE, we had over a 70% chance of another m/c. This was because of my DOR diagnosis and age. After suffering through a miscarriage that took months to resolve, I knew I couldn't do it again. I was also very concerned about trisomy which we were also at an increased risk for.

Now, at 19 weeks pregnant, I'm glad we made the decision we did. Do I still have moments of sadness over the loss of a genetic connection? Absolutely. I think those moments will be a permanent part of my life, though I anticipate they will lessen in frequency over time.

Like you, I wanted a sign. I never got one. As hard as it was, I let my brain make this decision, and tried to keep my feelings out of it. Because, if I'm being honest, I wanted to try again with my OE, even in the face of the real and significant risk of continued failure. I knew what my heart felt wasn't good for me or MH. I guess I'd just caution you against waiting for the day that you wake up and feel 100% comfortable with DE because that's asking a lot of yourself and that day may take months or years to come.

A final thought. It really helped me to talk with an infertility therapist as I tried to make the DE decision. You might want to consider this option.

Hugs and good luck to you! Let us know if we can do anything to help.

liz4paws · January 2013

Welcome, I am sorry for your loss. I hope you find the path that you feel peace with. It can be such a difficult thing!

Maybe Joleisa · January 2013

Ela81: Thank you and congrats!

strudel: Congrats on your a-ha moment twins! I think about a CF life and I know we'd be okay, but I have to exhaust all our options first. (I just wish that didn't include our bank accounts!) Tongue Tied

2mamaz: I hear you on lowering the risks and thank you so much for the book recommendation. I hope your remaining 31 weeks of pregnancy are happy & uneventful.

Happywife: I hope your upcoming DE cycle is successful! I guess everything we've been through these past 2.5 years has been part of our process. Never did I ever think we'd be the 1 in 8 infertile couples amongst our friends.

Erink: I hope we get a great sign like you did! I've been scoping out some accessible donor sites online and I think a great donor would give me a little confidence in this process. Good luck with your upcoming transfer!

AmCheri: Thank you so much for your response. You definitely hit many of the thoughts that run constantly through my head with this decision! After IVF 1 I asked my RE if I should move to DEs. She said after one IVF she wasn't sure it was an egg quality issue, but I'm hoping after this 2nd cycle she will have a stronger opinion. I need to see the black & white numbers, like you said. Good luck these next 21 weeks hun!

Liz4paws: I'm very excited about your story and hope your happy ending is just around the corner.

Petra: We're coming up on 4 years of marriage in April and just today I kept thinking how much infertility has changed me....and not for the better. Way too much heartbreak, indeed. Your V-day is just around the corner--congrats!

::breathe:: Thank you ladies so much for sharing your intros & stories. I'm almost there...

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