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combined BM/AM baby shower

GirlOn1stAnd10GirlOn1stAnd10
in Adoption
my fianc? and I are extremely close with our AP, they have been friends with my family for years and know the story if my ex husband and my 3 year old's dad. I was not allowed to have a baby shower or really enjoy my pregnancy and was holed up for all nine months before divorcing and moving back in with my mom. AM has a friend who wants to throw a collective baby shower for both of us to allow me to experience the enjoyable and memorable side of pregnancy. Has anyone ever heard of this before? is there etiquette I should follow? 
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Re: combined BM/AM baby shower

  • KatieRose09KatieRose09
    I have no experience in this area. But, my first thought was that I think it's really awesome that you have such a great relationship.  I also think this shower would be a wonderful way to blend the families/friends and let everyone know that this baby is loved by his/her birth parents and adoptive parents.  And then, one day, the pictures can be shared with the child. 
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  • steph196steph196 member
    My shower wasn't for both of us, but our BM was there. When guests asked me how she was doing, I just told them, "Great! She's even here today!" in a very joyful way. That helped the guests to feel less uncomfortable and risk making comments that we insensitive or hurtful toward her. I think it's wonderful that you have this time, so enjoy!
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  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member

    I'm going to be somewhat blunt and pearl-clutching, so take it for what it's worth.

    While I think some sort of party to welcome the new baby is a great idea, and having your involvement would be wonderful, I think a shower per se would be awkward and potentially uncomfortable. The purpose of a shower is to shower the mom-to-be with gifts to take care of her LO. Since the AM will be the one receiving gifts, where does that leave you? And there may be an undercurrent of "oh, the e-mom (you) may change her mind, is the AM going to give her these things if the adoption falls through?"

    I'm also not a fan of the "do-over" school of thought. There are many ways to experience the enjoyable and memorable side of pregnancy without a shower. You're still going to make an adoption plan, which comes with it's own emotional roller coaster. While yes, it's a positive thing, you'll still be experiencing a loss and I'm concerned how the attention given mostly to the AM in a shower setting may affect everyone, especially you.

    A party where you celebrate the 2 families and the adoption? Great idea. A spa day with the girls to let you experience the enjoyable and memorable side of pregnancy? Sure. I'd just be sure that expectations were managed and the emotional side was addressed.

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  • GirlOn1stAnd10GirlOn1stAnd10
    Thank you for the support and ideas! We are very very open with our APs and everyone invited to the baby shower understands the situation. As far as the fear of changing our minds, we have already signed our TPR and have begun couples and individual therapy to allow us to heal. APs have agreed to let us be involved in baby's life and we have no fear that either party will suddenly change their mind. This family is becoming our family and vice versa, so we are trying to view this as gaining a sister, brother and a niece/nephew than a family taking our child. As far as gifts, we are explicitly stating that gifts are for baby only and for neither mother so to speak, but we have already received anonymous gift certificates to have a salon day together :
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  • kmkaull2kmkaull2 member

    I agree with PP that this may be a very emotional experience for you.  I know my son's birth mom (with whom we have a close relationship) would not handle a joint shower well.  A baby shower, even an adoptive shower is likely to end up being all about the adoptive mom and the baby.  People may have good intentions, but how will this truly sit with you? Just something to think about, and obviously you have to make the decision that feels right for you. 

     Perhaps wait until after you've placed the baby and then consider a joint welcoming party.   I wish you luck as you move through the coming months.

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  • GirlOn1stAnd10GirlOn1stAnd10
    Maybe a better term would have been an adoption shower? It definitely won't be the standard baby shower, for sure. I have agreed to it and AM seems to think it's a great idea, neither of us is concerned about an awkwardness. The friend who is throwing it has made it very clear that she will state on the invitations that both mothers will be in attendance. I can understand some concern as far as who the shower is for, but neither AM or hostess have addressed it as an issue so until they do, I won't. My main concern was that I wasn't aware of any etiquette I should follow, since I've never even been to a baby shower :/
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  • GirlOn1stAnd10GirlOn1stAnd10
    I totally understand! I should have been more clear on the fact that we were definitely having this little soiree, shower, celebration, what have you. I just wasn't aware of anything that may be expected from me. I do appreciate the concerns, and AM does too! We discussed it and decided that nontraditional can serve as precident and that we will have a good time celebrating each other and baby Harlow :
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