autism moms....come in....anxious about another child?

Vitsky · January 2013

Am I the only one scared to death to have another child with autism? Our son is 3 and 1/2 ...he is absolutely the light of our lives but i just dont think i could handle having a second child with autism....we are discussing having another child but i have read you have a 20% chance of having another with autism...i know there is no guarantee and i am a firm believer that God wont give us anything we cant handle....any thoughts? anyone struggle with this?

malcivar · January 2013

Yep, been there done that. It's a scary place to be. With us, when we were still deciding whether or not to move forward with another baby, we were still at the "speech delay" phase and it wasn't until I was already pregnant that we got our first dx of PDD-NOS. I was still in my first trimester so we grappled with whether or not to continue with the pregnancy or not. We opted to keep going. We got no genetic testing because we figured if we'd already committed to it, there was no reason to test (at least not for us).

While we don't know what the future holds for DS2, I don't regret our decision to continue. We obsess over every little thing DS2 does and whether or not it's like his older brother (now official dx of mild to moderate autism). In some ways they're very alike, in other ways, not. Sometimes I think - Chris was never like this. I wish I'd had a point of reference back then and we'd have gotten him help sooner.

I can't offer much in the way of advice other than to say, it has to be a joint decision and something you are 100% sure you can live with - NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME.

Good luck!

nomadica · January 2013

Yes. My husband and I are 99% sure we will not have another. Finances and stressful schedules are a part of that decision, but the deciding factor is the high risk we are at for having another child on the spectrum. I know that our family can't handle it. I've had to grieve this loss, because I would really love to have another child, and for my DS to have a sibling. But for me, personally, it would feel like playing Russian roulette, and I just can't move forward that way. I'm learning to be happy with the family of 3 that we have, which is different in many regards from what I thought our family would be like. Of course, that is something all SN moms experience!

lite-bright · January 2013

I'm pretty sure that I could be given more than I WANT to handle. That may sound selfish, but it's true.

We had our DD2 before we knew DD1 was on the spectrum; we got her dx on DD2's first birthday, as a matter of fact.

DD2 is typical. She's a wonderful little girl, they adore each other, and I firmly believe having her was the best thing we could've done for DD1 -- they learn so much from each other. If she hadn't been typical, though, I think I'd really have my doubts because we already spend so much time and pay so much OOP for therapies and thinking about doing that with another child, perhaps one even more impaired, just terrifies me. If DD1 needs huge support in her adult life, what could we possibly do for another child with ASD and still provide for ourselves? I may be deluding myself, but I still want to have as "normal" a life as we can. I feel like we still have a chance at having our kids leave the house someday, be independent, have their own lives; and maybe have a more-or-less typical retirement period in our lives. We may not end up getting those things as it is; I don't want to add any more risks than we already have.

I know a lot of people would say the odds are in our favor; but when you've already been that 1 in 88, 1 in 4-5 sounds like really bad odds. And I'm 35 now, and always wanted to be done having kids by then because the risk of so many other things increases more as well.

So, DH and I have waffled about whether we want a third, and DD1's dx played a large role in us saying no. We're done. We have high hopes for her future, but it's already so uncertain. I'm very optimistic that we won't be caring for her directly her whole life, but I also recognize that the stats are grim. DH would take the risk, I think, but frankly his life/future isn't the one that's going to change the most if we have a severely disabled child. Or even another child who is pretty high-functioning. It would still change, don't get me wrong, I don't want to downplay how much he's involved or how much strain he'd be under if we had to figure out the finances; but I'm the one who would be the main caregiver, as I am now.

It's such a personal decision. Unless I know 100% that I could be at peace with the reality of another child with SN, I won't have any more kids. DH says that unless I can focus on the joy of another child rather than the fears, we shouldn't -- and I don't think I'll ever get there. Other people will be able to be okay with that possibility and/or be willing to play the odds.

That said, I think I'd be more willing to take the risk if we only had DD1. It would've been very hard to only have one child when we both always wanted two or three.

MirandaHobbes · January 2013

It really is a personal decision. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm selfish, and if I really wanted another child we would go for it. I can come up with 10-15 good reasons NOT to have a child, but the bottom line is that if you want to grow your family you just do it, right? My DH and I had pretty much decided to go for it, but then we were spooked by yet another study that came out that said that men aged 40+ are like 2-3 times more likely to have kids with autism. My DH is 40, so that coupled with the fact that we have family history of autism (on DH's side no less), made us leery. For us the deciding factor wasn't autism though. We're finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel as we emerge from the "baby" years; full nights sleep, ability to travel with DS, and the fact that soon we won't be spending over a grand a week on his daycare- we're just too comfortable now to rock the boat again. DH and I are both anticipating management promotions at our respective jobs, and I would like to be able to be a great mom and a great attorney and not let one position suffer. In my office there are no women who have more than 1 child. I truly marvel at career moms who rock at having two children. They are better women than me!

mommyof4boys · January 2013

Our ship has sailed...3 times over! My kids are so close in age (the 3 younger ones) that we didn't have time to think about it. Our youngest was diagnosed officially at 2.5 with PDD_NOS and a 16p11.2 duplication. Our twins were diagnosed much later, one at not quite 6 and one at not quite 7. We have 3 kids on the spectrum and while most days I can tell you I have no issue with it, there are days where I do need a break from the stimmy, hand flappiness that in my life :P

d.f · January 2013

We were already mostly sure we were one and done before DS got his diagnosis. In part because I had a complicated pregnancy that my Dr says I have a 30 to 40 percent chance of repeating. I would be lying if I said the ASD diagnosis didn't solidify our decision. I also don't feel a compelling need to have another child.

Don't get me wrong I'm very happy to have DS and I know I would love any child. However, I feel like I have a good handle on DS's needs and we have the means, both emotionally and financially, to provide for him. I also expect that he will live on his own one day. If we had another child, especially a severely affected child, I don't know that we could provide the way we would want to for either of them.

I'm not quite ready to take permanent action to prevent pregnancy just yet but the chance that we will have another child is slim.

AgrippaRidesAgain · January 2013

We almost didn't have a second child. We knew before I even got pregnant with DD that DS was an extremely difficult child. We just didn't know why. We did consider the idea that the second child would be the same, but ultimately came to the conclusion that we would like him to have a sibling. I still can't say for certain that if I knew then what I know now whether we would have done it. I do have to say that having DD (who so far appears to be neurotypical) is a delight and that she herself is so freaking easy comparatively. I also sometimes feel that if our second child were like DS, in some ways, at least I'd know what to look for and some things that I can do right away. It would be incredibly hard, but at least it's a path already traveled, instead of continually forging a new one.

pastalady · January 2013

Similar to a pp, who said they were done because they knew their LO was difficult, just didn't know why. DD has never slept through the night, she's 3.5 lol! I couldn't repeat the early years of 3 broken hours a night. Just couldn't do it lol!

I wish I could know what it is like to raise a NT child but I am 100% happy with DD. While I worry about her future once we are gone, I try to focus on our little family and prepare as best we can for her future.

I also think I am able to be a good mom right now and focus on DD. I know my personality and know my limits. One child with special needs is it.

MikesGirl0605 · January 2013

I am so happy our family grew despite our oldest's dx. Ds2 and dd are the BEST things that could have ever happened to him. They teach him social skills, broaden his interests, teach him responsibility because he LOVES helping me take care of them, and empathy. Ofcourse it helps that he is high functioning and my other two are typical. We got his dx shortly after ds2 birth, but didn't stop us from 3. A gamble we took but after knowing ds2 was typical we went for it. Their bond is incredible. Not one regret.

Lucky521 · January 2013

I'm pregnant with # 2 and I really hope this is how it is for my family. I was back and forth about whether or not I wanted to have more children. Not out of fear that my future children would be autistic, but scared that I wouldn't be able to give them the attention that they deserve if my oldest needs it more. Some days I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like I'm not able to do enough for my son. I had a hard time imagining how I could possibly manage adding another child into the mix. All I know is that even though life can be stressful, I can't imagine my life without my son in it. He's the smartest, sweetest, most adorable kid in the world. I know I will feel the same way about # 2 when he or she gets here. Somehow I know everything will be just fine.

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