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Blended Families
A bit frustrated with SD and SS :(
My husband has three children, a 15 year old DS, a 12 year old DS, and a 6 year old DD. The 12 year old has recently moved in with us, and while things are getting better, I am still having the same issues that I had before. My husband and his ex broke up over four years ago, so she has been "raising" the children since with having full custody. We do not have a set schedule with when we get the children - they live a couple miles down the road so they will call any night of the week and asked to be picked up. When they stay the weekend, Fridays are usually a bit rough, but my Sunday everything is going great.... then they go back to their mothers. And they forget all manners and rules that they re-learned at our house.
I have to start by saying, I do not run our home like a boot camp or anything of the sort! I was raised to be respectful, clean and polite. I'm just asking the same of my step children (and will definitely do the same with baby on the way!). Examples: after going to the bathroom, you put down the toilet lid (or the dog will drink the water), you wash your hands (with soap), and you turn off the bathroom light. There is no standing on the couches. All food and drinks are to be consumed in the kitchen or dining room. Hands are to be washed when you get home, and before you eat anything. We go to bed in beds (not falling asleep on the couch), and we bathe regularly. Sadly, these seem like simple rules to me, but they are not things their mother enforces. I have to remind the kids to closed the toilet lid, wash their hands and be sure to use soap. They are always standing on the furniture and I remind them nicely that we do not do that.
I am frustrated because no matter how many times I ask or remind... they "forget" to do it all again. I feel like I am nagging them, but I'm doing it for their own good, and so that this baby comes into a cohesive home. I don't want my child to have rules, but his/her half siblings to be allowed to do whatever they want!
Am I being unreasonable??? Anyone else have a similar situation?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: A bit frustrated with SD and SS :(
I have been raising my boys for the past 7 years and it has been four years since they've been in BM's home, and everyday when we get home from school, I still have to say, "go wash your hands" because we have the same rule as your home, that hands are washed when you get home from somewhere.
I still check their hands every so often. Their downstairs bathroom ran out of soap, and was out for a day or so before they mentioned it.
I usually have to tell them when to shower.
I am still reteaching LO how to wash his hands. He's using the bathroom independently, and sometimes I hear the water come on for a second and then right back off again.
Kids need constant reminders.
They ask to go to sleep on the couches. We've allowed it once or twice after a family movie night, and for some reason it's awesome. ? I don't get it, but apparently they really like it.
Yes, you will feel like you are nagging, and you will wonder why they can't just remember on their own, but just know this isn't a BF issue only, and it's not necessarily because they aren't in your home all the time. It's part of their nature as kids, and why moms are so busy all the time.
Oh, and turning out lights is a constant issue, too, as they need to be reminded. I'm bad at this also, so DH is usually the nag in this case and goes through the house and tells us how many lights he turned off.
Thank you ladies!
Nice to hear that I'm not the only one, that I'm not being unreasonable, and that yes... kids do need reminding. I think sometimes I do forget that it very well could be just kids being kids. I do remember my mother making comments about feeling like she had to follow everyone around and pick up their messes
(Guess my sister, brother and I didn't learn that one too quickly!).
Deciding whether or not it's really "worth it" will be a nice check for myself, maybe then I won't feel like I'm nagging quite as much.
Ahhh. I feel much better!
This is a kid thng, not a stepchild thing (though I will say that if you do not have similiar co-parenting it takes more work).
That is what parenting IS. As long as you are consistant and your DH supports you, they will get it........
When they move off on their own.
This is a kid issue and not a step parenting issue. You will have to do these reminders with your child as well. My SS is 14 and has the same basic rules at his house that he does at our house and we still have to remind him to brush his teeth. My guess is that we will have to always remind him of this until he starts kissing girls on a regular basis.
Normal parenting issues.
I have been a broken record for the last 3 years since we got married and moved into the house. And I don't see it ending anything soon (they are 13 and 15). With my DS, maybe he will be brainwashed enough hearing me being a broken record that he might be okay until he hits the teens... sometimes I feel more like the housekeeper than anything else
SS 15 was excited to move into a room into the basement, but he sleeps on the couch and not his awesome room that we spent sooo much time creating and perfecting for me.
Another poster reiterating that this is just a kid thing.
I don't let my kids stand on my couches but I would bet you anything that not a week goes by without me finding one or both of them jumping/standing on the couch.
Your rules are not unreasonable, but I don't think this stuff is worth getting upset over. When we have to tell the kids to get off the couch, turn out the lights, etc, we try to remind in a neutral tone. But if I have to tell DS five times inside of 10 minutes to get off the couch, I'll put him in time out. That's just disobedience.
Can you and YH do anything to get more of a set schedule? The randomness of what you deal with would really stress me out.
Have you thought about posting the rules on the refrigerator or something? Then telling them every time they forget to turn off the lights/sit on the couch/etc they need to pay a quarter to a jar. At the end of the month/quarter/year you can cash it in and put it toward your power bill or a new piece of furniture, or just getting your existing furniture cleaned.
I think the hygiene thing just comes with age.
Ditto all of this about it being normal. Some kids are extreme clean freaks or rule followers but most are not. You will likely have these issues with your baby too but it might not annoy you as much because the baby is "your kid", the SKs got you used to I and you have no other parent to blame.
I think this is normal.
So have you thought of a reward? Do you ever verbally reward them when you notice they do these things without you reminding them? You should always do that.
And what about rewarding them with something of value to them - like, complete one week, or one month of good, rules behavior and they get to go shopping for a game, a song on itunes, or movie night of their choice, or whatever you want to bribe them with. Whatever works.
I think your rules are completely reasonable. I agree and disagree with the PPs. I think that what you're dealing with is the result of your co-parenting situation more than the fact that kids will be kids.
My SS (11) and SD (7) moved in with DH and I last July. It took months of constant reminders to get them to remember to wash their hands, wipe themselves properly after toileting (not even kidding...my SS would get crap everywhere but IN the toilet), put the toilet seat down, brush their teeth, share furniture respectfully etc. Because they have been living with us full-time and have only visited BM twice since they moved in, they have come to adopt the routines we have established. It took quite some time and there were some growing pains, but they're making awesome progress.
Because SS and SD aren't going back and forth between BM's house and ours, there is no real chance of them regressing. We're able to keep on top of their habits and behaviours. For a while I felt like I was nagging a bit, but really, we were just teaching them how to be clean and respectful individuals (something their BM knows nothing about). It's absolutely amazing to see how much their habits have improved over the last 6 months.
In your case, your SKs don't really have the opportunity to improve their habits for the long-term. They keep seeing poor examples being set whenever they go back to BM's place. This is unfortunate but please don't give up! Repetition is the key to success and mastery. Just keep trucking along. Hopefully they will see the benefits of the healthy and respectful habits you are trying to instill in them.
Even in our own household DH and I have been able to see how routines need to be kept up. I'm usually the one to bring SKs home from school (I'm a teacher and they usually come to my classroom after school until we're ready to come home). When we get home they take their lunchkits and agendas out of their school bags and put them on the kitchen table (for us to empty and sign, respectively). They hang up their snowpants and coats etc. and put their bags away. I found that whenever DH brought them home (if I had to stay at the school later), I would come home to lunchkits, coats, mittens, and agendas strewn around the foyer and kitchen. This frustrated me because it was going against the routine I had established with the kids. Once I mentioned to my DH how much easier it was to have this routine (than to leave a mess everywhere), he started following it as well. I was always surprised, when I got home after DH and the SKs, to see the mess around the house especially since this never happened when I came home with the kids. That's when I realized that it is necessary for us adults to lead by example and give the kids reminders of what is expected of them.
Call me anal, I'm used to it. But these routines really help us to live stress-free lives. It helps us to be organized. When there are consistent rules and routines, kids know what to expect and their lives tend to be less chaotic.
BFP #1 09/02/11 M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13
SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.