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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
MaggieF516
member
Relationship after baby......
MaggieF516
member
I was wondering if anyone else had experienced a significant decline in their relationship with their significant other since having a baby? We had a great relationship before we got pregnant and while I was pregnant, but things have been absolutely awful since we have had him. The fighting has been CONSTANT and I am really concerned about our future. We are both under a lot of stress and pressure (i.e. he works 70 hours a week in a very high stress job, I am doing nearly 100% of the childcare on top of working full time and a crazy commute, etc.) but it has been absolutely awful. We argue over everything and it seems like the limited time we get to spend together is interrupted by taking care of the baby (i.e. if we are watching a movie together, we will have to get up multiple times when he wakes up crying, DS sleeps in bed with us 90% of the time). Our intimacy is non-existent (my boyfriend is not interested at all). Has anyone else experienced this? Please tell me I am not the only one 
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Re: Relationship after baby......
I would say that my hubby and I have been going through a rough patch as well.
DD sleeps with us too and we've only had sex a handful of times since she was born. It has hurt for me post-baby, I've been sleep deprived, and DD is always with me or else she's crying. So it's so hard to reconnect physically.
We also had lots of fights in the beginning as we adapted to parenthood. I was pretty moody as I was never getting enough sleep. We also had lots of fights about his parents because they drive me nuts.
Things are better now except for the no sex part. If you talk to each other and put aside some time for each other, you can work through it. It's a big change in both your lives and it is not easy to adjust.
The first six months were very hard but communication really is getting us through and there has been noticable improvement over the past month or so.
I recognized that I need to be more patient with DH. And DH seems to be alot more engaged with DD now that she is smiling and interactive.
With both of us working, time is tight. Fortunately we can manage sitters for datenights and a housekeeper. DH takes care of DD on Friday evenings when I have my horseback riding lesson and I take DD to her swim every Tuesday evenings so DH has that time to himself. On top of that we each are willing to take parent duty when one of us has a girl- or guy-night opportunity.
There are still hiccups. But it HAS gotten better. The key is that we are BOTH willing to chip in. We just need to remember to communicate what are needs and plans are.
Not alone. I think this especially stressful for households where both parents are working. My husband and I are both in careers that are high stress with expectations for long hours. Our jobs are exhausting and any spare time is spent caring for baby. Even then, we both often end up feeling resentful over the belief that one is doing more than the other. Weekends are busy just taking care of bills, cleaning and household chores. How I wish one of us could stay home!
We finally came up with a plan to try to make our lives easier and bring back some fun to our lives: 1) get more sleep - meaning that baby needs to learn to sleep through the night (I was getting up nursing her throughout the night; (2) get healthy - we each need to make time to take care of our physical health - getting up at 5 if we need to to get in a run, or sneak in a quick workout at gym on designated days 3) start doing fun stuff again on weekends - go visit friends with baby, go to zoo, etc. 4) try to be kinder and more supportive of each other.
Baby changes our way of life no matter how hard we says it does not. Not saying in bad ways but we have to re adjust how we do things. When my hubby and I get little sleep, work diff hours and we have little time for each other. Oddly enough we were watching movie American Reunion... The father said something to Jim. When we become mom and dad we forget about being husband and wife, we both looked at each other and was like we do.
Communication is the biggest key. We may fight but once we really talk we feel better. We might not get as much us time as we want but we try harder now.
We aren't in the exact situation as you, but we of course are going through some difficult times...at least in my opinion.
DH seems more distant, recently actually, but I think work is playing a big factor there. We dont' fight, but I feel like we don't really talk anymore. It's just "passing by" conversation, which really really sucks. He is becoming more engaged with DS as DS is doing more and interacting more...(DH has never really been a baby person until DS was born so it's a HUGE adjustment for him) I do sometimes feel like there is some resentment there, but I really really hope not.
I agree with what some of the other PP are saying, that you should maybe really try to get your LO in their own room. Maybe that's why your DH isn't in the mood? I'm against co-sleeping for this reason as well, I believe that couples need their own space as well as LO needing theirs. Babies tend to change everything and take over everywhere, but the bedroom shouldn't be one of those.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. But like everyone else said, you certainly are not alone.
Hugs
BFP: 10/27/2011 | EDD: 6/30/12
DS born 6/28/12 via C/S
TTC #2: September 2018
Me: 36 | DH: 39
Mirena removed 9/13/2018 after 6 years
BFP 11/11/2018 | MC @ 5.5 weeks on Thanksgiving
July 2019 - Diagnosed with Secondary Unexplained IF
August 2019 - 2.5 mg of Letrozole = Never Ovulated so Trigger and IUI were cancelled
9/30/2019 - IUI #1 (5 mg of Letrozole + Trigger) = BFP but Betas showed CP @ 4 weeks
10/28/2019 - IUI #2 (7.5mg of Letrozole + Trigger) = BFN
11/25/2019 - IUI #3 (7.5mg of Letrozole, Trigger + Crinone after IUI) = BFN
12/24/2019 - IUI #4 (7.5mg of Letrozole + Crinone after IUI) = BFN
1/24/2020 - IUI #5 (50mg of Clomid + Trigger + Crinone after IUI) = BFN and an Ovarian Cyst
3/2/2020 - Taking a break to reset/NTNP
11/1/2020 - At peace with where things are in life and are no long actively TTC. Whatever happens will happen and it will all be okay.
You are definitely not alone. For DH and I things were actually very good the first 5 months. The first 4 months I was at home with DD and EBF. DH had a job at the time that required he be rested or it would be dangerous for him to work so unfortunately a pattern was set that I basically I do ALL baby care for DD.
When I returned to work at 4 months things were ok at first, but resentment has started to build about me basically doing everything for DD, and DH having absolutely no regard to having the responsibility of assuring DD's care at all. DH switched jobs when DD was almost 6 months too. At this point although his new position should allow for him to help out in the MOTN and allow some flexibility to help me care for DD more in either the morning or evenings...It still isn't happening. His argument is he is the "new guy" and needs to put in more hours/hard work to build his reputation, but at this point it is putting a severe strain our relationship.
Another issue is my parents are living with us and providing childcare while we work. Although they make our lives SOOO much easier (cooking, shopping, cleaning, yardwork, running errands for us etc.) there are obviously some issues with always having your parents and in-laws around. It creates it's own stress for both of us.
DH is definitely frustrated in the bedroom too. The first 4-5 months sex was pretty painful for me and I was plain exhausted and just not interested at all. Now at 8 months I am still exhausted since even though DD STTN for the most part, I am still having to get up during the MOTN to pump, plus work, plus babycare. I have found that my libido is really only "up" in the mornings so I have been trying to make sure that we take advantage of that on the weekends. Still I know he would like sex more frequently than once a week.
The positive thing is we BOTH recognize that something is way off in our relationship right now and that we need to work on correcting it. I am considering asking DH to see a counselor because we have tried a number of methods to help correct the situation over the past 2-3 months and so far it doesn't seem to have improved.
We had a really hard time when DD was a baby. DH travels for work and I felt like I was the primary caregiver and housekeeper and he did nothing when he was around. At six months, I had had enough. I sat down, had a serious conversation about MY needs as a mom and most of all as his wife and all my frustrations. Come to find out he thought if I needed/wanted help I would ask for it. I changed my attitude and he changed his. The next time he was out of town, I got serious about sleep training and did CIO. I was still working on it when he came home but in about three nights, we were living the dream!!!. We had a routine and knew what our role was in that routine when we got home in the afternoon. DD was in bed for the night by 8. We spent the next 30-45 mins working as a team on dishes, laundry, paying bills or getting ready for the next day and the last hour or more before bed was spent hanging out with each other. When DS came along I was worried that we would fall back into that same slump again, but I expressed my concerns and we have worked hard this time around not to let it happen again....all except STTN, which we will be doing in the next month.
It's been a while since I went through this (with DS9), but it was a similar situation, so based on that experience:
1) Move DS to his own room. He needs to learn a tiny bit of independence and that is a good first step for him and your boyfriend needs to know he's a priority too.
2) Start focusing on him a bit - intimacy (in my situation) was non-existent because I was constantly in mommy mode. No significant other wants a mother - they want a lover.
3) Choose your battles. Sleep deprivation is hard - try and pay attention to what you're fighting about and if it's not important in the grand scheme of things, let it go. It's not worth the time and energy it takes to argue.
Although if the baby starts sleeping in his own room, after a couple of weeks he will learn to soothe himself when he doesn't really need anything, and that will help a lot with the sleep deprivation!