Advise on being sensitive to a good friend with IF

kaelarose13 · January 2013

Hi all,

I hope you don't mind me popping over to this board for a little advice. My best friend has been struggling with infertility for almost two years now. She is now seeing a RE and is hopeful that they will be able to conceive soon. She recently underwent surgery for severe endometriosis.

I have a 9 month old DD. We started trying to get pregnant the same exact month and I was lucky and conceived almost right away. She was nothing but excited and supportive throughout my entire pregnancy, even though I suspected that sometimes it was a painful reminder of what she couldn't have. She threw me a beautiful baby shower and always seemed eager to talk to me about my pregnancy and now my child.

I just learned that I'm expecting #2. My DH and I are thrilled. I'm wondering about how to gently share the news with her. I know in her heart of hearts that she will be excited for me since it's what we want. I don't want to keep the news from her for too long since I believe that would hurt her. I also don't want to tell her and have her feel like she needs to mask her emotions for my sake. Any ideas about the best way to tell her? I am thinking about writing her a letter and letting her know so that gives her a chance to process and not feel like she has to put on a happy face for me. I also don't want that to seek cold or insensative.

Any thoughts? I really want to do what it easiest for her to handle...I am not looking for anything from her at this point (excitement, congradulations, etc).

I hope this all makes sense. I look forward to your responses and thanks in advance!

DoublePortion · January 2013

The most common advice for these types of situations is to send an email so the friend has time to process the info. So, I think writing a letter would be nice and even more personal than an email. It's very kind of you to be concerned about how this news will affect her. Just let her know that you care, but I wouldn't advise saying anything about "when your time comes". I had a friend tell me that she knew "my turn" would come. I know she meant well, but it made me sad. What if "my turn" doesn't come and if it does why do I have to wait for my turn while others don't have to wait. Those are not the emotions you want to evoke. Good luck!

conradtn · January 2013

When my friend found out she was expecting #2, she sent me an email about going to lunch. She was pretty insistent on it, which made me think "I bet she's pg". This allowed me to get a good cry out because even when I asked if she had some news to share she didn't reply on that.

I finally saw her in person a few days later and yes she was pregnant. Thankfully because of the emails (although she didn't say it directly - I wish she had), I was able to get my cry over with in private so I could be happy for her in person.

The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of her when she has this happy news to share. I didn't want her to feel bad on my account.

MJ14323 · January 2013

I agree with PP and think a personal letter would be a great idea. It seems more personal than an email and it shows you put it the time and effort to take her feelings into consideration.

Also, like PP said, don't say anything about when your time comes. That hurts.

You are being a great friend. I wish my SIL and friends took the time to do this for me.

teridanielle · January 2013

My best friend just told me they were expecting in a Note. I've been having problems for almost a year and she wasn't even trying. She said wonderful wonderful things about how brave I am, how she looks up to me, and how I never give up. She doesn't know Gods plan for me, but that she would be by my side whatever the outcome. It was heartfelt and exactly what I needed.

liz4paws · January 2013

First off, I think it is wonderful that you are so considerate of your friends feelings. So often, those of us dealing with infertility don't find people as consderate as you. IF is a pain that is indescribable to anyone who has never been through it themselves. You are a good friend.

As PP have said, I'd definitely recommend some kind of heartfelt letter or email where she can process on her own ahead of time. There are so many emotions that occur for us all at the exact same time when we learn somone close to us is pregnant: Joy, sadness for our own situation, anger at our bodies for failing us, jealousy, and then guilt for feeling anything BUT joy. If you give your friend the opportunity to process all of those emotions seperately, she will better be able to talk to you with just the joyful side of things and she will feel less guilty and upset with herself for letting it unravel in front of you if you were to tell her in person or on the phone.

Try not to give any advice in your letter, or say that you "know she will get pregnant someday too" but instead just say something similar to what Teridanielle's friend said. If a friend announced that she was pregnant with her second child and sent me a letter saying how strong and brave she thought I was and how she'd be by my side until the end, I would so incredibly supported and it would be okay with me for sure.

zazu13 · January 2013

It is thoughtful of you to consider her feelings in this. I think a nice letter or card would be very appropriate with an invitation to get together in person later. I personally would discourage emails. I read most of my emails at work and I would hate to get an email like that at work and have a meltdown in front of my coworkers. Congratulations to you. I hope your friend has success very soon.

oO Angie Oo · January 2013

teridanielle:
My best friend just told me they were expecting in a Note. I've been having problems for almost a year and she wasn't even trying. She said wonderful wonderful things about how brave I am, how she looks up to me, and how I never give up. She doesn't know Gods plan for me, but that she would be by my side whatever the outcome. It was heartfelt and exactly what I needed.

Love this!! My best friend literally gets pregnant the first month she tries every time. The last time she told me it was th first time in my life I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Just let your friend know how much you love her and tell her honestly how you feel. Let her know its okay if the news makes her sad- and that you will still love her and not take it personal if she has mixed emotions about it. Sometimes confronting the elephant in the room is the best way to do it.

solisilou · January 2013

liz4paws:
First off, I think it is wonderful that you are so considerate of your friends feelings. So often, those of us dealing with infertility don't find people as consderate as you. IF is a pain that is indescribable to anyone who has never been through it themselves. You are a good friend.

As PP have said, I'd definitely recommend some kind of heartfelt letter or email where she can process on her own ahead of time. There are so many emotions that occur for us all at the exact same time when we learn somone close to us is pregnant: Joy, sadness for our own situation, anger at our bodies for failing us, jealousy, and then guilt for feeling anything BUT joy. If you give your friend the opportunity to process all of those emotions seperately, she will better be able to talk to you with just the joyful side of things and she will feel less guilty and upset with herself for letting it unravel in front of you if you were to tell her in person or on the phone.

Try not to give any advice in your letter, or say that you "know she will get pregnant someday too" but instead just say something similar to what Teridanielle's friend said. If a friend announced that she was pregnant with her second child and sent me a letter saying how strong and brave she thought I was and how she'd be by my side until the end, I would so incredibly supported and it would be okay with me for sure.

I second every single word of liz4paws. I had the blunt preg announcement to my face at my friend's place. It was the birthday of her twins and there were people coming over. Not nice, not nice at all. I had to go several times to the toilet to pull myself together. What hurt the most was the fact that she herself had dealt with IF (not this time though) and hadn't learn anything from it. You're a very good friend, you don't know IF and you're giving this a lot of thought.

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