Thoughts on Adoption - The 'Same'?

fIowerchild · December 2008

I do not want any more biological babies. The one I have is perfect and I was sick everyday of my pregnancy. Oh, and I'm old.

I would like to adopt a child from overseas in a few years but MH is not sold on it. He says that it wouldn't be 'the same' to him as his own flesh and blood and that wouldn't be fair to the adopted child. I disagree with him - I think it would be exactly the same. We would raise the child as if I birthed her and when she says, 'I love you Mommy' it would be 100% 'the same'.

What are your thoughts on this?

ABMcKinney · December 2008

My DH and I think it would be exactly the same and we're hoping to be in a position to do it when we are ready for baby # 3.

Agrippa · December 2008

For me, it would be the same, but it could be different for other people. I could see how someone would be afraid that they might not bond as well to an adopted child.

Dobie_Mama · December 2008

For me, personally, it would be completely the same.

Lizzie.Bee. · December 2008

I think it would be the same for me.

citygirl_ · December 2008

I don't know, honestly. I'm still at the point where I think I couldn't possibly love another child (biological, adopted, whatever) half as much as I love Jude.

mrsain1105 · December 2008

Hmm, I feel like I started bonding with DD the moment I found out I was pregnant, so maybe it would take longer for me to bond with a non-biological child. But I do think it would happen eventually (I think of my bassett hound as part of the family and he's not even the same species).

colin'smommy511 · December 2008

I don't have a response on this topic, but just wanted to say that is the CUTEST picture of your DC looking down the drain!! How innocent!

pamarshea · December 2008

Oh I believe I would feel the same. Heck I used to think of my nieces as my own, in a way I still do, I'd take them in a heartbeat if I had to. My DH feels the same, we always said that if we couldn't have a child on our own that we would adopt.

joecubed · December 2008

We can't say whether it will be exactly "the same," but we are hoping to adopt number #4. Maybe #3 as well.

trizzie · December 2008

I would love to say it would be the same for me, but I honestly don't think it would be. It might be if I didn't have a biological child. I think it would be harder to bond and also I think it would be hard on the child if your ds looks like you and he/she doesn't. Then there is my fear of overcompensating for the adopted child and slighting my biological child.

flygeah · December 2008

citygirl_:
I don't know, honestly. I'm still at the point where I think I couldn't possibly love another child (biological, adopted, whatever) half as much as I love Jude.

This is exactly where I am as well. But I do know at some point I want to adopt... I just have no clue when.

Califlorida · December 2008

i definitely want to adopt. i think i've convinced dh. but once i had dd, i just thought, there are so many babies who don't have someone to give them the love that we have to give. and that breaks my heart.

dh really wants to have one more biological baby (probably hoping for a boy). but after that, we will adopt. he wants three or four kids, and i'm not getting pregnant that many times.

soontobecapek · December 2008

I don't know really, I think it would take a little longer to bond but I could think of them as my own... My mother didn't. I am my mom's only child, my dad had 2 more and she never bonded with them the way she did with me. It may be the circumstances though.

rlthomas7 · December 2008

maybe not "the same" but definitely "just as good"

However, you'll get different answers from different people. And if your DH isn't on board with this, he might have a harder time. I'm not someone who felt bonded with DS from the beginning, the bond grew. Maybe if I felt that instant bond, I'd be hesitant to adopt too.

But I had such a horrible pregnancy that if we did decide we wanted #2 (which I don't see happening, we only ever wanted one) we'd adopt.

TheMalleys · December 2008

I think I have watched too many episodes of 'Adoption stories' on DHC. I would be afraid that the bio mother or father would come back and take my child away. I think that would affect my ability to bond with the child.

cvincent0423 · December 2008

i can't say it would be the same but it doesn't mean that i wouldn't absolutely love the adopted child and treat them as i would my own. ?i would love to adopt, but we are thinking about adopting an older child when our children are older. there are a lot of older children that end up in the system their whole childhood because so many people want babies. ?

gatogrrl · December 2008

I have quite a few cousins who were adopted from other countries. Some of their childhoods went better than others -- I really think it is key that both parents truly believe the kids are theirs just the same as the biological kids. One set of parents seemed to throw up their hands when their adopted kid had troubles, like "what can you expect, she's not really ours". They would never say that, but that's how it appeared to me.

I'm considering foster children, personally. There are so many who need love and stability.

Mama Jan · December 2008

My DH and I will be adopting at least one child from overseas. But he has been totally onboard and passionate about this from the beginning. I think I might hesitate if he didn't feel the same way (actually, I wouldn't have married him if he didn't feel the same way - it's a non-negotiable for me). I'm sure your H would come to love the adopted child just as much, but it's scary to go into it with him thinking he might not feel the same way.

LotteDay · December 2008

I was adopted. I can say from the kid perspective that it's the same as a bio kid.

ashley0616 · December 2008

I think adoption is harder for men for some reason. I know DH would take a lot of convincing, he's made that clear. I would love to adopt another child once we're done, someone around 7-10. He's not so sure. He says it's hard enough to try to be a father to someone that he made, he couldn't imagine trying to be a father to someone else's child.

I think with some discussion and maybe even counselling, your DH could come around too. GL!
~A

Temp174496125006552 · December 2008

I would like to think that it would be the same for me, but I think this is one of those things that I'd really have to experience it to say. However, I would love him or her unconditionally - whether they came from my womb or not.

That being said, I really would like to have another baby and we can't afford to because of the ridiculous cost of daycare. There are so many kids older kids out there who need homes, so I was thinking that maybe we could adopt a child who is 4, 5 or 6. Granted, I've not mentioned this to DH, it's just something I've been thinking about lately, so who knows. He's pretty much 'done', so it would take some convincing.

Oh, and citygirl, I promise you that you'll love the second one as much as the first. Trust me.

candm · December 2008

I think it's very likely your husband's opinion would change once the child come home, but I would make sure you are sure of that before proceeding.

I believe it will be just as easy to treat our adopted kids "the same" as our bio. I met our adopted kids before I met our bio daughter and I felt an immense love for them immediately. I do think once our adopted kids come home there will be a transition period where my love for them has not developed to the point it currently has with our bio daughter. That stems from the natural progression of love over time, i.e I love our bio daughter mroe now than I did when I brought her home from the hospital. I expect to love our adopted kids more a year after they come home than the first day.

Hope that makes sense.

axr8111 · December 2008

While I think it would be the same and the love would be just as strong...I think. I of course can't say for sure since I haven't adopted a child but I can't imagine it being any different. I do however think that "No" wins in this case. While you might think it would be same, you can't force that emotion onto you husband. I know it seems hard, but bringing another child into your home requires both of the parents to be excited about the challenge. Yes, I do believe there are challenges to having an adoptive child that are different than your own child. So if your husband says no, then have an only child that you can focus all of your attention on. Good luck in your decision.

proudarmywife08 · December 2008

I think it is the same. DH agrees with me on that too. I have three adopted siblings though and to me they are just brothers and sisters.

Spin313 · December 2008

I think I'm in the "not the same, but just as good" camp. I had a rough pregnancy and I've thought about talking to DH about adopting #2. Right now, I don't think I'm in a place to love any child as much as DS, though. I think that's the beauty of pregnancy...you have nine months to come to love that baby as much as your other child(ren).

bim38106 · December 2008

For me, I think it would be the same. I've always wanted to adopt. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't want to because he feels the same as your husband does. I think he's afraid that he won't love that child as much or the same. He's never said this, but I get that feeling. I think the love comes from raising that child and being the parent and that wouldn't be an issue at all, but I can understand his fear.

franciscaz · December 2008

I worked in an adoption agency and remember the extreme love, sacrifice, and truly unselfish gifts these birth moms gave (I was always the witness for relinquishments and placements). I also saw the thrilling joy that came when the couples first held their "new" baby. It was so amazing!

I have infertility and I know I'm not building this huge home for one or two kids. Adoption most likely will have to be in the picture and I am excited for it. DH on the other hand is a little more weary to be honest. He loves Harmon so much he can't imagine it would be "the same" with someone elses child. He is right... it isn't the same BUT once you really began to appreciate what a blessing and miracle this "adopted" baby is you realize it is just as good. I hope he starts to understand that better, I think he will. Boy that man has LOTS of love!

Sally J · December 2008

Speaking from experience...I have a bio son and a daughter who came to us through adoption.

The bond I have with my children is the same in the sense that I feel utterly, completely in love with both of them. They are both 'mine'. However the love for them is very different, and the bonding has been very different. I now know that no two children are the same and this has more to do with they type of person they are and not how they came to our family.

I had 9 months to bond with my son, then 3.5 months with just him and I while I was on maternity leave and before his sister came home. He has been EBF. He is a boy. He is a clingy, loveable, touchy feely little boy. He is loud and laughs at everything. He is very independent.

I've only known my daughter for 5 months and she already had a personality when she came home. I'm still getting to know her. She was formula fed, so bonding with her was different during feeding. I bonded more during solids feeding than bottle feeding (I still get the same joy feeding her something new that I get one I BF my son). She is more on the go and likes to play independently while only stopping for a few moments a day to cuddle. She is a girl and moody and emotional (already!). She is stubborn and demanding, but quieter than my son. She can be loud, but chooses not to. When she came home I had another baby to juggle, plus I just started back at work in a new supervisor position. My perspective on parenting was different.

My point is that the bonding with each of them has been different and I expect the bonding I do with any future child will also be different. They are different people, but I love them the 'same'. Honestly I don't see a difference...they are both my children.

amanda7207 · December 2008

I would think it would be the same. I had custody of my niece for 6 months who was only 3 months old when I rec'd her and we share a very special bond. I was completely devastated when her mother returned from deployment and took her back to San Diego.

rissa06 · December 2008

speaking from MH's point of view . . it would say it is the same. ?He was adopted from overseas and his parents treat him like they would anyone of their other 4 children . .?

My parents adopted my brother . . ok, so they treat him like the special child, but that's a whole another story. . but for them it is the same . . they don't look at him as the adopted child, they look at him as their son and the first born son.

For me, being the sibling . . i kinda grew up as feeling he was the intruder. . in my adult life we are close, but younger . .i hated him so much . . but know we are really close.

With us . . DH wants to adopt a child from overseas . . he would like to help someone like his parents helped him . .i'm not opposed, but I want to finish having our children before that happens. . I think that is would be a little different and then it would be the same . meaning . . an adjustment period . ?so to speak and then I know that I would love the child as my own.?

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