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I engaged him today. Big FAIL.
+just+j+
member
I engaged H. And I got nowhere of course.
SInce this past weekend, he's asked me twice to help him apply for a job and send a resume. I of course said no.
Tuesday night he asks me about the court mandated co-parenting class - which I am seriously looking forward to - and says, "So when is it?" Even tho I clearly discussed it with him and he got sent a letter, which he mentioned to me. I tell him to check the letter. It has all the details. He says, "Well what if I get a job and can't make it?" I tell him that he can schedule another class another time, but I am not changing the date for him. I will go anyway. He actually argues with me about it and I say, "You don't have a job NOW. You are NOT likely to have one by then. AND, if you look at the damn letter that you mentioned the other day, you'll see it starts AFTER work." He gets mad and says, "You know J, you could be a little nicer ro me." I tell him I'm just tired of being his mother, and now that we are seperated, he needs to realize that finally and start taking care of his own business.
He gets mad and hangs up.
The next morning (yesterday), I have a text from him stating how I broke his heart, he knows I"m being secretive about my life. I promised this was forever and I lied. And that he knows from my past that I play games and I must be seeing a guy, or guys. OMFG. I just ignore it. I get no calls. I get no more texts, and then he calls at 8:45 to talk to DD. He barely makes an attempt. DD is focussed on painting and he immediately gives up. He sounds like he's depressed and says, "Well I guess my daughter doesn't want to talk to me either." He ends the call. DD is upset and throws a fit when she hears him hang up. I call him back so she can give him kisses - and for the first time - hugs (which is her cheek to the phone) and tell him she loves him. She does this without prompting at all from me. I tell H what she's doing and very kindly that I know it's difficult at her age, but you need to work a little harder and be a little patient with her while you engage her on the phone. He says,"Yeah. Okay. I'll try again tomorrow night."
No word of his morning text. And I'm cool with that.
This morning he calls me like nothing happened, it's a brand new, beautiful day and asks me to send a resume for him.
Seriously? How many times do I have to tell you no?? And he even has the nerve to say, "Don't do it for me, do it for our daughter." And I dropped the no engage rule and chew him out about not asking me to do his business anymore. Same argument. Same drama.
I know, I KNOW I'm not supposed to and we all know I need to work on this. I just get to a point and I can't take it anymore and I let loose. I am SO done with his crap. He accuses me of whoring around with no real basis for it, or any proof at all - because it's FALSE - and then he thinks I won't remember and asks me to do a favor? Doing something he should know how to flippin' deal with? And tries the lame guilt trip of bringing my daughter into it?
I have to get it under control. I get so far, do so good and then it just builds up to a point I can't take it and I just let her rip. I kind of wondered today if we need a mediator. So here's my question: How does one typically go about doing that? Is it court ordered/approved?
"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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Re: I engaged him today. Big FAIL.
Sorry, but I had to laugh.... congratulations you have a teenager. An irresponsible, immature, argumentative, self-absorbed one.
Tell him to send all non-emergency requests & info via email & you will get back to him in 3 business days or a week. If he asks on the phone, say you need it emailed so you can think about it. In 3 days, say no.
It won't fix it, but it might slow it down for him to have to do the work of writing. Also, it gives you time to consider your response. Send your responses via email too to reduce any time spent on the phone.
Eh, don't be hard on yourself. You are going to do this at least 50 more times. Heck, you don't have a custody order yet. This is brand new.
Couple things that help me (notice I said help) me not engage my xh- All communication is through email. It really helps. The calls for your DD are set up to happen at the same time, and you refuse to talk about anything.
Write down everything that makes you crazy about him, when it happens. I blogged all the time when I first got divorced, and it saved me. I felt like I had a release, and didn't get wound up when he would call or email and start stuff.
Remember that every time you play into it, you are being his wife- its probably the pattern of your marriage. He gets mad, you fix it. Every time you play into it, you are still being married to him. That idea alone grossed me out so much, I refused to do it.
But mostly, be kind to yourself. You will screw up at least twice a day.
Above exactly!
You have came so far. It seemed he could get you to engage every 3 times he tried at first. In a short time now you only engage every 10 times he tries. It won't belong till nothing he says gets you going. You are moving forward and making progress. Too bad he can't do the same. I know it is b#tchy but my standard response would be "that sounds like your problem not mine" set on repeat.
I could have written this, but then...I let him move back in because he had nowhere to go. It was insane.
So my advice...
Don't answer when he calls - text and ask if there is something he needs. Respond with one word answers (the best one being no) Eventually he will get the hint that you don't want to talk with him and are not his BFF.
Schedule the time for DD to talk with him, as a PP said. There is no need for you to speak with him. Let him know you will contact him with any issues, but that the evening call is for he and DD. I make the calls so I can control the time, because my ex was very forgetful. I dial, place it on speaker and hand it to DD. This has been in place since she was 4, and other DD was an infant. I taught DD how to leave a voice mail.
On things he repeats, just ignore them after you have provided your answer. On the resume thing I would literally ignore any further requests.
Good luck and hang in there, it gets easier!
Funny you should mention this. In our argument yesterday I told him how he needs to step up, take control of his responsiblities and such,and "Oh my GOD, do you realize how much this sounds like our lecture to your kids?? You are all alike! I also told him how it's frightening how much he sounds like his mother as well.
When H is backed into a corner - like he is now - he gets very vocal and really plays the head games. I haven't seen this from him and directed at me like this until this past year. And he's hit me hard with this verbal mind game this year. But I've witnessed the wounded animal attack with other people and i could always talk to him and tell him that I know he's mad, but is that really how you want to address it? I could always talk him down before it escalated to such a heated level.
Now that I'm the target...the gloves are off.
He didn't call last night. We'll see how long it takes him to get over this one.
"Do it for our daughter" is he f^cking serious? I would have said "I do plenty for our daughter, thank you very much." and hung up the phone.
Grrr.
This happens. You're trying, but you're going to fall off the wagon sometimes. Just get back on.
OMG! I seriously choked on my glass of wine!!
I agree with PP's suggestion of saving the "I'm not your wife anymore" in Quick Text and use it often!