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December 2010 Moms
jillybean800
member
I shouldn't really be stunned over the fact that funerals make me think
about things, but nevertheless, I didn't sleep well for two nights
thinking about a friend's mother who just died. It was just too sad to
not give it proper internal recognition. Really, I was thinking about
myself, and about my mother.
I saw her two weekends ago in Atlantic City and promptly told her, "don't ever die, just don't." It was in that weird, "I'm-trying-to-be-funny" way that really was a red flag of distress, and her response had the same strange matter of fact tone.
"It will happen probably soon," she said, "maybe ten more years."
This made me sick.
I drove home feeling like something was sitting on my chest.
Earlier this month my friend Jill had her second baby, which looks like a wonderful, pink little old man. He seemed to come into the world politely; being three weeks early, he only required a few pushes from his mother, and there he was.
And there it was: life, day one. He spent most it with his eyes closed, like we all did, I guess. Plenty of time later to look at his mother, her dark hair, her eyes. For a short time, I think it's the only thing he'll see. Of course he will watch his father's face, but it's not the same. She was the first thing he ever saw.
My friend Allison went with me to our friends' mother funeral service. When someone read to us from Proverbs about a woman's virtue ("for her price is far above rubies") I sat there pondering how lofty and impossible expectations are in the Catholic faith.
They want us to be everything, I thought. Virtuous, giving, believing, strong. Raise your children and be a good wife. Don't ask for anything in this life for yourself. The reward is to come. It sounds like a scam.
Allison had a different take entirely.
She sat there crying softly, whispering she couldn't fathom leaving her little daughters behind without a mother. I watched her pray, almost stubbornly. She might will herself to live forever. She has to live forever. She's a mother.
So, we're not allowed to die...
jillybean800
member
Anyway, I am thinking of my upcoming appointment with the endocrinologist, both to check out this lump in my armpit (which is now turning into a long hard string, much to my despair) and my swollen thyroid (though my thyroid levels during pregnancy were checked, it really is sticking out now so I gotta do what I gotta do).
So when my mind wanders to the worst case scenario of all this, I realize that I wasn't really a hypochondriac before I had children. But now I find myself putting myself in situations in my mind where I die in a million ways, leaving my poor children motherless. It has become the biggest fear of my life and invades my thoughts more than I would like to admit. It's why I can't really watch shows anymore where mothers or children die (goodbye, Walking Dead).
Anyway. My friend wrote something beautiful about this feeling on her creative writing blog, and sometimes I read it over. I'm the Jill she's talking about in it....
there is a season
I saw her two weekends ago in Atlantic City and promptly told her, "don't ever die, just don't." It was in that weird, "I'm-trying-to-be-funny" way that really was a red flag of distress, and her response had the same strange matter of fact tone.
"It will happen probably soon," she said, "maybe ten more years."
This made me sick.
I drove home feeling like something was sitting on my chest.
Earlier this month my friend Jill had her second baby, which looks like a wonderful, pink little old man. He seemed to come into the world politely; being three weeks early, he only required a few pushes from his mother, and there he was.
And there it was: life, day one. He spent most it with his eyes closed, like we all did, I guess. Plenty of time later to look at his mother, her dark hair, her eyes. For a short time, I think it's the only thing he'll see. Of course he will watch his father's face, but it's not the same. She was the first thing he ever saw.
My friend Allison went with me to our friends' mother funeral service. When someone read to us from Proverbs about a woman's virtue ("for her price is far above rubies") I sat there pondering how lofty and impossible expectations are in the Catholic faith.
They want us to be everything, I thought. Virtuous, giving, believing, strong. Raise your children and be a good wife. Don't ask for anything in this life for yourself. The reward is to come. It sounds like a scam.
Allison had a different take entirely.
She sat there crying softly, whispering she couldn't fathom leaving her little daughters behind without a mother. I watched her pray, almost stubbornly. She might will herself to live forever. She has to live forever. She's a mother.
https://theendofthealphabetgirl.blogspot.com/2012_10_01_archive.html
This discussion has been closed.
Re: So, we're not allowed to die...
I find myself feeling exactly the same way lately. My fears are more about my DH leaving I can't even say the D word. I have actually been having pretty severe panic attacks over this. I just keep envisioning everything that could happen and how DD and I would live without him. It makes me sick to my stomach.
For me I think it's triggered by the fact that I am no longer the youngest generation. I have a generation below me which forces me and DH closer to the top. It's the realization that anything can happen and we are no longer young and untouchable. If that makes any sense.
I fear to be left without J. I would probably die of grief as well.
I am of course concerned about me or hubs dieing, but J is still young and could adapt into a life without us (which make me sad AND happy).
But I hope that I will live to at least meet my grandchildren
I also tend to worry more about losing DS or DH...with me dying being much, much lower on the list. However, I realize that is super selfish because I am the breadwinner and it would be very difficult for them to get on without me.
That reminds me that I really need to buy more life insurance. The amount I have now won't cover much.
Yeah...we upped our life to 1 mil for me and 1.5 for my H (because he makes more). It seems like a lot, but when you consider the loss of our salaries year after year, it's what we would need for the other person to stay in our house and send the kids to college.
I think I don't really think much about losing the kids because it's the unthinkable. I don't even want to go there. So I focus on myself because it's a more acceptable dark place for my mind to go.
I don't want to leave my DH or my children- but do I think about this everyday? no. We have prepared wills, trusts, etc- so if the time came and DH or I passed- the other would be set- and if we go at the same time the boys are very well set financially and have guardians named. Other than that I do not dwell- I want to live each day with my DH and boys- along with my family- maybe I have a different outlook since I worked in hospice- death and dying are not scary to me. That is not saying I wouldn't have a breakdown without my DH- but fearing it is not something that I want to waste time and energy on.
This is true, and beautifully said.
BFP #2 5/27/12. EDD 2/1/13. m/c and D&C 6/21/12.