Dear Jack...ticker and siggy warning

julesverne · January 2013

Today is what should have been your 5th birthday. I find it hard to believe it's been 5 years, but as they say, life goes on.

I remember so vividly the day you were born. Mommy got hardly any sleep that night before. I was so anxious yet excited to finally meet you. I knew from the moment you were free from me, the real struggles would begin. But I had waited 7 months--no, actually longer-my whole life--to become a Mommy, I was ready to meet my dream.

You were born at 8:04 am, and as I have mentioned before, when the doctor held you up over the curtain, I couldn't make out which part was which,but I instantly melted into a puddle of tears..you were beautiful, and you were mine. My dream had finally came true. I was a Mommy. I remember thanking your Daddy a million times because he gave you to me. All I ever wanted in life was to meet someone like your Daddy, and have you...at 8:04 am,on 1/16/08 my life became complete.

My next glimpse of you wasn't for a while after that. It took the doctors over 3 hours to get you stabilized enough to transport you to another hospital. And even then, our visit was short. But I feel in love with you all over again once I saw all that brown hair, and that cute nose that I think you got from your Daddy. For being 6 weeks early, you didn't look very small to me. You were long and lean. 10 fingers, and 10 toes..you were perfect.....

My sweet Jack..how I wish you were here for me to tell this story to.

After 5 years, I still find incredibly unfair that you aren't here with me anymore. This wasn't how it was suppose to go, this isn't how I planned it. I should be finalizing the plans for your birthday party, buying you the one gift you really want...I should be curling up next to you in bed and gently waking you up by whispering happy birthday in your ear like your grandma did to me for so many years...

Your Daddy once wrote to me ", it was an awful experience, but he was beautiful and wonderful and amazing and incredible and inspiring and heart breaking and everything else I can't think of"....and I think he was right. Nobody plans or ever dreams of losing a child at any age, but the 9 days were well worth it. I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for anything else in this world. Though the outcome was not what I had intended, and I tend to focus on the end result, we had so many good days/moments in those 9 days..the first time I got to hold you, the first "smile" (ok..I know it was gas, but I'll take what I can get), seeing your Daddy;s face light up when he first got to hold you, and so many other little things.

In your short life Jack, you made my world that much better and beautiful. Life will never be the same because of you, and for that I thank you.

Wherever you are my love...I hope you are safe, and warm and happy. And that you know no pain, and that you are able to run around and play without any problems (had you lived your heart would have kept you from doing so many of the things little boys like to do). Most importantly, I want you to know that I love you so much..I have loved you from the moment that little test turned positive the day before Father's Day, and I will love you forever because you were, are and always will be, my little boy. No amount of time, or distance, or number of other children I have, will change the fact that you are my son-my first born-my dream come true.

Happy Birthday Jack. Mommy loves you.