Disciplining an 18 month old

AsOctoberFalls · January 2013

DS had his well visit today, and he was awful at the doctor's office - throwing tantrums, into everything, etc. Our pediatrician told us to "ramp up the discipline." How the heck do you discipline an 18 month old? He's too young to understand the concept of a time out. In fact, he seems to not understand any consequences for his actions. I've tried time outs, removing toys and food (if he's throwing them, for example), speaking to him in a stern voice, etc.

I have spanked him, and I'm not opposed to spanking, but I feel he's too young to really understand it. Since I don't believe it will help him to really understand how to act, I'd prefer not to spank at this age. Spanking is the only thing that seems to work, but if I spanked him every time he needed discipline, I'd CONSTANTLY be spanking him and I'm not comfortable with that.

katie4253 · January 2013

Is he like this all the time? At the doctor Gabe gets so upset. He just hates it there. He gets to watch movies on my iPhone there.

We do a lot of redirection here. Giving him things he likes, when we take away something he shouldn't have (e.g. he found a roll of tp the other day and freaked out when we took it away, but was fine when we asked him to read a book).

Have you heard of "time-ins"? It's basically giving undivided attention and doing something quiet (snuggling, reading a book, etc). It works really well for us.

Do you notice he has a harder time when you've just transitioned (e.g. home to daycare, daycare to home, etc)? If so, you might find the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" helpful.

Also, if he doesn't have a lot of words, that is frustrating for them. Gabe is just now starting to pick up a little better communication and it is really helping him tell us what he wants.

I would be pretty upset if my doctor told me to ramp up the discipline for my 18 month old. Surely a DOCTOR would know that not every kid loves them. Gabe will never get in trouble for being upset that we are there. He has gone to way too many doctors for his young age and he hates all but 2 of them. I think it is normal and healthy for him to be pissed at them since they've put him through the ringer!

PayolaCrayola · January 2013

Just a fair warning that you might get flamed for the whole spanking thing....

That being said I am not opposed to it either...to me spanking and beating a child are completely different...however I agree that at this age they are too young to even grasp that really so I feel like its pointless. My DD acts out the same way...I just ignore because if I even try and talk to her she flips out worse...Sorry. All I can do is pray everyday that it gets better soon!

SoxFan777 · January 2013

I put him down on the floor or make him sit. Then I get on eye level and explain what he did wrong very concisely. "You hit mommy". Then I say why it's bad. "Hitting hurts. Mommy says ouch. Makes mommy cry."

Then I say "No Hitting"... and I get up but don't pick him up right away. He inevitably comes over with his arms up. I get back down and say again, "No hitting mommy... Do gentle instead." He then strokes my cheek very gently.

Granted, we do this 3 or 4 times a day. BUT if I can teach my 16 month old to be gentle, than I think you can teach yours.

I'm in the "no hitting of any kind" camp, so I can't sympathize with you there. I just don't understand why hitting a child is allowed but hitting a spouse is abuse and hitting a stranger is assault. I don't get why society accepts one. But I know that I'm not necessarily the norm. I also know that I don't have a "runner" yet... If I was scared, for example, that he was running into traffic, I do sometimes worry that I'll change my mind. I sure hope not, but I also know that a "mother of 1" is hardly an expert.

lana22 · January 2013

how do you respond to his tantrums? my LO is only 14 months, but we ignore when he's crying b/c he can't do something he wants (e.g. walk in the shower, play w/ our phones, etc.) and it's been very effective at containing tantrums.

my LO wants to get into everything at the dr's office so i just wipe around and let him do some things (play w/ the dr's chair, climb on the scale) and not others (take out things from drawers, put his mouth on anything). i've also found bringing books helps a lot b/c my active LO tends to chill out when we start reading.

i'd recommend reading happiest toddler on the block. i'm opposed to spanking and think it causes more problems than it solves, but just one person's opinion. to me it teaches kids to fear the consequence and not process why actions aren't correct.

AsOctoberFalls · January 2013

I know a lot of people are opposed to spanking, and that's fine. I just included that bit because it really does seem to help when nothing else does, but I am not really comfortable with it. I am not sure why it seems far more effective than everything else.

As for the doctor, he wasn't upset that he was there... He's always like that. : He doesn't struggle with transitions; he's just naughty. For example, when he finds out he's not supposed to do something, he does it more...and smiles at you the entire time. Distraction doesn't work at all. He's very stubborn and focused. He bites, pinches, hits... His daycare teachers have predicted that he's going to be a handful.

He's also a huge clown and a love bug. Everything he does is BIG and LOUD. He can't sit still for longer than 30 seconds. He loves new people and new activities and isn't afraid of anything...

I JUST got Happiest Toddler on the Block this evening!! I've also heard a lot of people talking about 123 Magic. Can anyone give me a synopsis?

AsOctoberFalls · January 2013

When he has tantrums, I just ignore him.

Another huge problem is restaurants. I HATE taking him out because he throws things, screams, pulls the tablecloth off the table, etc. Toys and books don't distract him.

I regret the many times I've judged parents of kids just like mine... I
Figured the parents must let the kid walk all over them. Serves me right!

TiffanyBerry · January 2013

You're kind of inbetween ages where we added a new stratetgy. We had been doing redirection. It does work, eventually. But for some kids, it will take 1000 times of 100% consistent redirection and if you are only 90% consistent, you will just negate any value of the approach as they learn that if they just keep trying they CAN do what they want to.

We still use that for some things. It works for adults too, so there's no reason not to use it where it can work.

But we also use natural consequences, in a similar method to 1-2-3 Magic. If she were to hit, she couldn't be in the same room with me for a time (the length varies) because I'm not going to stay around people who hurt me. If she threw things, I'd take them away, because you can't have a toy you don't treat properly. (Yes, I know you said it doesn't work, but when you've eventually taken away everything that can be thrown, it does, by default, work. Different kids take it to different extremes.) If she were to scream in a restaurant, we would leave, dinner uneaten, because you can't stay in a restaurant if you can't behave. (As I said, you have to BE CONSISTENT.)

He's NOT naughty for looking at you and smiling when he does something you said he can't. "No" carries little true meaning for kids. What it really means is "mommy isn't going to let you do that thing you want to do the way you're trying to do it" and since their JOB, their PURPOSE, right now is to explore their limits and boundaries, he is going to push against that. He smiles because he has fun, and it's a fun game to explore all the variations of ways he can do things. He doesn't understand the mindset you have versus what he has being different. It's not naughty, it's expected and healthy. And, in the long run, when he's older, it will be a VERY beneficial trait!

Hang in there, though. It'll definitely be a wild ride!

call me mom · January 2013

With my 17 month old, I do a few things:

1. If he's grabbing onto things that he shouldn't, I flick his hand. Not hard, but just enough to where he releases the object. It doesn't hurt him at all (or at least he's never given indication that it does), but it sends the message that he is not to yank or touch that item.

2. Pretty much for everything else that's unacceptable, I get down on his level and sternly, but calmly say "NO NO. Not OK. We don't _________." If he throws a tantrum, I ignore it or I distract him with another toy or activity. We repeat these words often, but eventually he gets it.

3. Some wrong behaviors I just ignore completely because he's not going to understand what he did, so why try to explain it. He's learning and will make mistakes.

Not a discipline issue, but just a thought...We don't usually go out to eat because our son is very active and it's hard for him to sit still in a new place and wait for food. But when we do go out, we order his food with the drinks. That way he doesn't get ancy waiting around. Even if he gets done eating before us, he's happier and usually more compliant.

chardonnay24 · January 2013

You can't really discipline a kid that age. We just started doing time out, although it's more like a "let's take a break and settle down" than a "get in the corner and face the wall for 2 minutes" type of thing. We ignore tantrums, but I also try really hard to prevent them. Obviously that's not always possible, but I try to give him a safe or healthy alternative. Like, "we can't climb on the doctor's chair, but we can climb on this chair" or "the table is too high to jump off, why don't you jump off the chair while holding my hands?" Find a way to fufill his needs for activity, stimulation, and exploration because those are natural, age appropriate behaviors.

We try to have natural consequences as well. If you throw food, dinner is over. If you throw a toy, the toy goes away. You don't get food, milk, etc. without asking nicely.

Recently, he started hitting whenever he doesn't get his way. He has sensory processing disorder, and I think that he actually NEEDS to hit something. I don't want to teach him it's okay, obviously, but we needed to come up with a way for him to work out his frustration in a physical way. We've made kind of a game of it. When he comes toward me with a hand raised, I catch his hand and say, "It's not nice to hit. Hitting hurts. You are MAD. What do we do when we're mad? We....clap our hands! Touch our nose! Spin in a circle! And give mama a biiiiig hug!" By the time it's over, he's laughing and moved on to bigger and better things. It's been less than a month but we are making progress.

When we are out and he hits or pushes another kid, he gets a warning and we try to play our game but he isn't as responsive in a group setting. So one warning, and if he does it again we do a time out. If he does it again, we leave the activity.

He is closer to 2, though. At 18 months, consistantly reminding him and modeling the correct behaviors were pretty much the only thing I could do.

ETA: We go out to eat very rarely. If we do, it's a loud, kid friendly restaurant. We bring crayons, paper, and little toys. And snacks and water. And if his behavior is poor, we leave. We have had to pack up our food or even leave without ordering before. It sucks, but it's part of parenting. Eventually he will connect it and it'll get easier.

AsOctoberFalls · January 2013

Thanks guys. We're already doing most of the stuff mentioned, and I do feel we are very consistent. So basically, I'm hearing to ignore the doctor's advice.

I'd NEVER go to restaurants with DS if it were strictly up to me, but DH insists. We only go about once a month, but it's always a horrible experience for me. We have friends with a baby the same age, and he behaves very well in restaurants, but our son is more difficult.

EDWHIP · January 2013

My daughter is 21 months and my husband and I watched "Happiest Toddler on the Block". Some of the things REALLY work well. One of the biggest pieces of advice is that toddlers are very similar to cavemen. When you try to get down on their level and explain consequences in adult terms, it means nothing to them. The first step is to acknowledge what they want. Once you acknowledge what they want, they usually calm down. Well, it's worked for us so far. Not saying it's a long term solution, but Dr. Karp in the video actually says redirection is not good because the toddler will think you are ignoring them.

patchen30 · January 2013

AsOctoberFalls:
I know a lot of people are opposed to spanking, and that's fine. I just included that bit because it really does seem to help when nothing else does, but I am not really comfortable with it. I am not sure why it seems far more effective than everything else.

My DH is not opposed to spanking either and he and I differ in this respect. I believe the the current popular advice from child psychologists says that it teaches the child 1) aggression (which is one of the top things people are trying to avoid w/ toddlers who are hitting, biting, etc. 2) mistrust the person spanking them. However, it does stun them into submission - temporarily. It just has detrimental long-term effects.

My DS hasn't started the "naughty" toddler behavior so much but I have a friend whose 18 month old is wild - biting, pushing, into everything, etc. She does time-outs (which IMO he's too young for) and that's about it.

I've done some reading on her behalf b/c it's to the point w/ her DS that other people don't want their kids around hers. I think her doing nothing but time-outs comes across badly to other people sometimes, as if she's just ignoring it. I do think 18 months is old enough to discipline - to an extent. I agree w/ the pp who gets down on her LO's level and sternly (but not angrily) says and demonstrates why the behavior isn't right.

It's definitly tough b/c they're so young and don't understand a lot...but I also think you have to start somewhere. And, I like how HTOTB talks about speaking to them w/ empathy as well.

Tink112011 · January 2013

I don't think "Ramp up the discipline" means to increase spanking. I'm a firm believer that spanking teaches your child that its OK to hit.

My DS is younger that yours, but ignoring is the best tactic for me. If he's doing something bad, like hitting me, I get up and turn my back to him. He gets the silent treatment for a few minutes (which he hates) and then I explain why his behavior is wrong. I also lavish him with attention for everything he does well (like being gentle).

poppy33 · January 2013

SoxFan777:

I put him down on the floor or make him sit. Then I get on eye level and explain what he did wrong very concisely. "You hit mommy". Then I say why it's bad. "Hitting hurts. Mommy says ouch. Makes mommy cry."

Then I say "No Hitting"... and I get up but don't pick him up right away. He inevitably comes over with his arms up. I get back down and say again, "No hitting mommy... Do gentle instead." He then strokes my cheek very gently.

Granted, we do this 3 or 4 times a day. BUT if I can teach my 16 month old to be gentle, than I think you can teach yours.

We do this and at 18 months and it's pretty much a time out, but we explain why he's sitting there. It's pretty much our version of time out (1 minute) He will get up and kiss us (his I'm sorry). We can do this multiple times in a day. We can also do this mulitple times in a row. It sounds easy but it's not. Especially when he starts laughing as I'm talking to him.

Some days he won't leave the dog alone - he does a time out - apologizes and then does the exact same thing. I have seen it work - he used to throw things when he's been frustrated - we did this and it just occured to me he hasn't thrown anything lately. Is it what we are doing? I have no idea.

Whatever you decide you have to be consistant. If you do it once for a behavior you have to do it every single time for that behavior.

agytay · January 2013

FYI, your child is not learning anything from being spanked and will more than likely repeat the behavior again. Spanking is not discipline, it is punishment (google to find out the difference). It is a very easy short term solution, but it will not curtail your problems. You are the adult in the situation, so maintain your cool and stay level headed. If you can't, then walk away from your child before hitting them. Seriously, it is an illogical reaction.

If you want to discipline your child then you need to teach him by using words and redirection that his actions are not okay. Give him one warning when he does a undesirable behavior and then do a 45 second to 1 minute time out/break time where he has a chance to cool down. He is too young to do a time out by himself so you will need to sit with him.

Also, an 18 month old does not have the cognitive ability to connect the word "no" and the "undesirable behavior". So if you say "no jumping on the couch", all he hears is "jumping on the couch" and is likely to do the opposite of what you asked. For that matter, you need to use positive redirection like "we sit on the couch" so that you get the desired behavior you want. Repetition and consistency with this strategy will result in the desired behavior that you are looking for.

I commend you for posting on this topic, but please don't hit your child. It's not necessary...

boogerbearoriginal · January 2013

agytay:
FYI, your child is not learning anything from being spanked and will more than likely repeat the behavior again. Spanking is not discipline, it is punishment (google to find out the difference). It is a very easy short term solution, but it will not curtail your problems. You are the adult in the situation, so maintain your cool and stay level headed. If you can't, then walk away from your child before hitting them. Seriously, it is an illogical reaction.
If you want to discipline your child then you need to teach him by using words and redirection that his actions are not okay. Give him one warning when he does a undesirable behavior and then do a 45 second to 1 minute time out/break time where he has a chance to cool down. He is too young to do a time out by himself so you will need to sit with him.
Also, an 18 month old does not have the cognitive ability to connect the word "no" and the "undesirable behavior". So if you say "no jumping on the couch", all he hears is "jumping on the couch" and is likely to do the opposite of what you asked. For that matter, you need to use positive redirection like "we sit on the couch" so that you get the desired behavior you want. Repetition and consistency with this strategy will result in the desired behavior that you are looking for.
I commend you for posting on this topic, but please don't hit your child. It's not necessary...

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