Do you have a cutoff age?

Dr.Loretta · January 2013

Do you have an upper age where you wouldn't adopt/adopt again?

This brought to you by DH not wanting to get rid of DD's infant stuff in case we adopt again. Since then we've had a few conversations about it. One thing that's become top of mind is that I turn 45 near the end of this year. I was talking to my mom about it (her mom was 43 when she was born), and her first question was, "How old will you be when DD turns 18?"

I'll be 59, which to me doesn't sound *horribly* old. But if we adopted again in the next year-ish, I'd be 63 when my LO turned 18, and that's oh-so close to retirement age. I mentioned it to DH and you can tell he hadn't thought about it, but it's now a factor I've stuck in his mind.

So especially if you're already in your 30s+, is your age a factor in adopting/adopting again?

CaptainSerious · January 2013

Not age, specifically (I'm 39, my husband is 45), but we want to be able to enjoy life. To us, that includes being able to travel and not having to work (or work so hard). So we want to make sure we don't spend all our money on adoptions and children's needs/expenses, and that we still have the ability to do those things, either as a couple or with our children.

maryoosa · January 2013

I'm 35 (ugh ok I'll be 36 in 2 weeks) and my partner is 41. I think we'll be doing a one time thing. Partner doesn't want to be older than 60 with kids under 18. Plus, I have no idea how we'd afford a second adoption. This one is going to cost of 15 years of savings.

Geauxmama11 · January 2013

I would say 40...dh and I will both be 36 this year. We just started this journey and have our first foster child that we are hoping to adopt. Honestly at this point I can't imagine having another baby at home! But I never wanted an only child...so only time will tell.

Foster1Mom · January 2013

I am in my mid 30's and 40 is my cut off. It's not set in stone but we really only want one kid. 2 at the 100% most.

lizlemon2 · January 2013

We are 31 and 36. For me, I think my cut off would be early 40's for an infant, maybe mid to late forties for a latency age child or teen. We have talked about MAYBE adopting a teen or pre-teen when our kids are that age or older. I also think of me and DH's age at graduation.

It will likely depend on our health, family situation, and financial situation. I may be more open if it were a bio-sibling of our kids, or family member. I want to make sure we have enough energy, time, and patience for the demands of children. I also wouldn't want to be a burden on my kids while they are teens or young adults.

Stacy092306 · January 2013

I am 38, and DH is 40. I don't have a cut off age. Age isn't a factor to me. It is to DH though. DH always said his cut off age was right around 40 because he wanted to make sure the kids were out of college before he retired. Since the child we wish to adopt will be close in age to DD, both kids should be done with college when he wants to retire.

IRR · January 2013

You hit a nerve. First off by the time our generation is allowed to retire, it will be 70 not 65. Second, there are some OLD 40 somethings and some young 40 somethings. I like to think DH and I are YOUNG 40's. As a matter of fact most folks can't believe I am over 40. Part of the reason for IF is because of age, so to say would I give up, well maybe when DH hits 50-52 because add the 18 years and yes he would be 70, but by then we should have college funds saved and given that average folks are living in my family into their late 80's at least our children would be adults before we pass. This is definitely something I think about and why I was so distraught over our failed adoption because to have a second child without having the first yet, the clock is definitely ticking. I still think we are more active than most 30 somethings we know, and that has to count for something. My dad, now over 70 has certainly slowed down, but he still rides his ATV, goes boating, bowls and plays tennis twice a week. My inlaws also both over 70 play tennis and golf almost everyday and remain couples champion where they live, so does age matter? My theory is "age is mind over matter, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

orange1414 · January 2013

I'm 33, but DH is 43. We've always said that him turning 45 was our cutoff. We're just hoping to get our first baby before then. I've already given up hope on having a second.

Ginger71 · January 2013

I am about to be 42 and DH is about to turn 40. We started the process a year ago and our HS will have to be renewed in June. H and I are considering stopping the process if we need to renew HS more than once. Not because of the money so much but because of our age (or my age). Even just thinking about all of the young mothers I will likely have to deal with makes me cringe. I know another year or so won't make a difference so I guess we will wait to see how we feel at that time. I always said I never wanted a child after 40 but here I am wanting it more than anything at 42. We will def. only do this once though.

irismorning · January 2013

I have thought about this a lot actually. I am in my mid-30's now. I think that my cut-off would be 45. I just want to make sure that I have the energy for the teenage years when my children are teens.

reallifewithkids · January 2013

This is a great question - one my husband and I have talked about quite a bit.

We are both 44 and will turn 45 mid-year. We just had a conversation last week about this because our DIA homestudy is up for renewal this month. I thought he would balk at renewing because of our age - but he was totally fine with it.

If foster-adopt or DIA hasn't worked out by this time next year - I'm not sure what we'll do. I had hoped that if we did DIA we'd be able to do a 2nd one so the little one would have a sib close in age. But now I'm not sure that would be in the cards - I'd just feel so fortunate to get the first adoption. My siblings have babies born in 2012 - so if we did get a little one he/she would have cousins of the same age.

thefarmchick · January 2013

Funny because DH and I were just talking about this yesterday. We would like to adopt in the next 4-6 years and we just started talking about Poland. They have a rule that there has to be less than 45 years difference between the age of your child and the age of the husband and 40 years between the child and mother.

I don't know enough about other adoption programs yet to know if there is the same rule anywhere else.

DH will be 39 this year so it will be something we might have to consider in the future.

kmkaull2 · January 2013

We're in our late 30's. After about 35, we knew we wanted to get cracking if we were going to add to our family through adoption or biologically. But we didn't set a specific cut-off age. We kind of figured that we're older already, so what's the difference?

Much more important to us was whether or not we wanted our son to have a sibling. It was very important to me, but less critical for my husband. We went round and round on that topic to come to our decision.

12bailey18 · January 2013

Ours is around 35, both DH and I are 31. It has more to do with the current age of our children and what age we want to adopt more than our age. We don't want a huge age gap between them and would prefer them to be closer in age so 35 makes sense to us.

MagickalNarwhal · January 2013

I'm 37, my wife is 43. We have ruled out a second infant adoption due to age among other factors, but we are open to adopting an older child down the road. Age at that time I guess will depend on our situation, health, health of our son, etc.

annalisel · January 2013

Yes. I think age is a factor. We are in our early 40s and have no kids. We would like to adopt a newborn in order to get the full experience, but we are open to adopting an older child for a second adoption if that happens. (Yes I know there are potential birth order issues.) Although plenty of late 40s couples in the SF bay area adopt newborns, I think that 45ish would be the oldest I'd want to adopt a newborn because judging from my family, physical energy declines in our early 70s. I would want my children to be firmly established in adulthood by then.

silliestbunny · January 2013

For us, age is a factor. DH grew up w/older parents (he was a surprise... and nine years separate him from his youngest sibling). As you know, we adopted very close together and we are pursuing a third... it's quite possible we will have three under three... craziness!! But this choice came much from our age. We are both 40 right now.

We also got married later in life... 34 and 35... so we do feel pressure to do certain things. We feel pressure to not only start our family, but plan for our future together... it's not easy.

For me, I want to be through with diapers by the time I am 45.

It's so individual though.

Coincidentally I met a woman who is 62 and has a 10 year old daughter she adopted internationally. Without getting into situations, she has had to make some very difficult life decisions because she is older as a parent.

bumpuser794640 · January 2013

We haven't discussed this issue, mostly because we are on the young side for adoptive parents judging from the responses here and the waiting families at our agency we will turn 27 this year. I would like to be finished building our family by 35, and how many we have depends a lot on whether we can afford to adopt more than once or if we are able to conceive later on, so we will see how it goes.

bumpuser794640 · January 2013

Also, sorry for the apparent run on sentences, I used dashes and parentheses but I'm mobile Bumping. Ugh.

Dr.Loretta · January 2013

silliestbunny:
For us, age is a factor. DH grew up w/older parents (he was a surprise... and nine years separate him from his youngest sibling). As you know, we adopted very close together and we are pursuing a third... it's quite possible we will have three under three... craziness!! But this choice came much from our age. We are both 40 right now.
We also got married later in life... 34 and 35... so we do feel pressure to do certain things. We feel pressure to not only start our family, but plan for our future together... it's not easy.

OMG, are we related? My mom grew up with older parents (43 and 41 when she was born, and her sister was 12). And DH and I got married at 36 and 34. Timing has definitely become more of an issue for me these days. DH has talked about retiring at 55. DD will be 16, another one would be in HS at best. Decisions, decisions.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I had to laugh a little at the "done at 40" folks. Nothing wrong with that, we just adopted DD when I was 41.

srmmm09 · January 2013

I'm pretty sure this doesn't apply to me, but I'm going to answer anyway because that's the type of person I am. Stick out tongue

I don't know if age will ever be a factor for us, since we'll be working with college students until we retire. But I have watched DS's parents have grandkids while they still have 2 in the house (DH is one of seven. Yes, s-e-v-e-n.), and that's not something I'd like to do. So I think, as we age, we'll adopt older kids (if we want to have more than a couple kids). That way our kids aren't too spread out.

missred75 · January 2013

DH said if we haven't adopted by 40, he would want to live child free. I don't feel the same, since being a mom is so important to me. I'm 37 now & DH is 38, so we don't have to worry about it just yet, but I have a feeling it will be a major discussion in the next year or so, seeing as I want more than 1 kid. My mom had me when she was 44, so I've never felt that mid-40s were old.

so1966 · January 2013

Yup, age is a factor for us. My LO will be an only child. I was 44 when he was adopted and my dh was 43. I kept telling myself, I want to have a baby by 45 and it happened. Just a goal of mine.

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