Bi-Racial LO on the way

fivefeetsmall · January 2013

Hi all,

This board really doesn't fit me directly, but I'm in need of some advice and not real sure where to put it so I'm trying a couple of boards. If there is another board I should post this on I'm not aware so I apologize if so. Here goes:

I'm white and the father (who will not be in the picture by his choice) is African-American. My family (aside from immediate family) wasn't too thrilled by my choice of co-creator (mostly because of race). There were many comments made early on about how my 1st Tri was harder because I "mixed races" and that I deserved it for that reason. Yes, that was really said. That particular person has since been isolated by immediate family. I have to live at home right now due to complications in my pregnancy and having to quit my job. My immediate family has said multiple times that they are not racist and are super excited to welcome my LO to the family, however sometimes "little" things to them slip out. For example: The president will be on tv and my Dad will yell things at the tv like "someone ought to just shoot the n word". My little sister will sometimes tell black jokes and everyone will laugh. I'm really uncomfortable with this for many reasons. 1.) I just don't share the sentiment or find it funny, never have. 2.) I want my child to have a healthy image of herself from day one and let her develop her own thoughts about being bi-racial. I don't want things being planted in her head. 3.) I don't want her to use that kind of language directed at anyone for their race. 4.) It's just flat rude.

When I get upset they have made comments that I need to "get over it", "realize that she's gonna hear this stuff all around her", and "that it isn't directed at her". I disagree with all of this. Perhaps she will hear racial slurs, but I'd prefer it not be from the mouths of her own family and the people who should love her.

Am I being too sensitive? Is there some other method I should try? Is there another board regarding this or is there a way to get one created?

*Also posted in the AP board.

J&A2008 · January 2013

No, all those things are horribly disgusting, and you are not being too sensitive.

You need to find another place to live if those comments continue because you cannot raise your child in an environment that is hostile to her.

fellesferie · January 2013

You're not being too sensitive. Not at all.

If living with your family is truly your only option here (and only you know that), then I think there are a couple things you can do.

1. Accept that you will not change how your family thinks/acts.

2. Also accept that you are relying on their charity. I think that even though your family's behavior is horrendous you are not really in a position to judge and criticize them in their home.

3. Start figuring out your plan. What can you do between now and the time the baby is born to secure your independence? Where are some affordable apartments? What is your plan for childcare? Have you calculated your ex's child support obligation? Do you have an attorney to help you with a CO?

I would literally use every waking moment to work on getting all my ducks in a row so that you are not forced to rely on anyone.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

Banana44 · January 2013

I agree with all the PP that this is wrong - but I also think it will change.

I grew up with a mixed race step-sister, and my nephews are a different race then I am. People who I knew to make racist remarks or to show little signs of racism changed very quickly when someone they loved was the race they used to not understand.

Continue to let your family know that their acts are hurting you and do not allow it to continue anywhere near your daughter - but I think when they meet your little one and they feel the love they will undoubtedly feel - things will change right quick. At least I hope so.

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy.

sunkissed7804 · January 2013

I responded on the other board but wanted to make sure you saw my reply...

WHOA!! RED FLAGS ALL AROUND!!

Honey, your family, unfortunately, fails to respect and cherish one of the most wonderful aspects of this world. Diversity.

They are completely disrespecting you AND your unborn daughter. They are toxic. I know they are your blood but that does not give them a free pass to be a part of your and your daughters life.

I do not have a bi-racial child. BUT...I'm speaking from experience. I have cut out 5 siblings and many friends from my childhood/early adulthood because of their sentiments about other races, lifestyles, backgrounds, etc. Once I knew I was having a child, it instantly struck me...my daughter will never be the human being I want her to be surrounded by toxic people who refuse to look beyond their comfy little ignorant bubbles.

Your family is perpetuating hate. It is sad because they are stuck in a destructive cycle. Congrats to you for somehow breaking out of it!!!!! Refuse to let them suck you into that circle. You don't belong there and your daughter doesn't either. It will drain her of all the wonderful things you try to pass on to her: love, acceptance, kindness, confidence, optimism, and worst of all knowledge. Hate takes up room in one's heart, soul, mind. It takes away from all of the beautiful things that human beings have to offer regardless of what they look like.

Think about how you really feel about these people. Perhaps you indeed love them but is that love there because they share your blood? They are the opposite of everything you hold dear and that is so very, very sad. If there is one thing I have learned from 34 years in this world, it is that your family is who you CHOOSE to spend your precious moments, thoughts, feelings, and experiences with. Your kindred circle should be thoughtfully built to surround you and your daughter with support, love, and kindness. It is a circle that grows with you in life. You will find yours, honey!!

I hope I have offered some insight into your situation. I will be thinking about you and sending you well wishes at this very difficult time in your life.

AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY GIRL!!!!! Big Smile

Karma1969 · January 2013

You don't need top get over it, you need to get out of that house. Look into findinga roommate or help from your state until you can make it on your own. Don't bring your innocent baby into such an awful family life.

pinkbee38 · January 2013

Hello! I am African-American and my husband is white and obviously we have a bi-racial child (who is two). I can tell you that I haven't had any issues on either sides of our family regarding our son, but I am not so deluded to think that kind of stuff won't come out. I don't think you are being sensitive. You NEED to stand up and be strong for your little one no matter who it is. I would hope as soon as your little one is born your family will see how precious he/she is and would drop that backwards nonsense. The little one of yours is going to be gorgeous... I will tell you that! Smile

SimpleJane · January 2013

fellesferie:
You're not being too sensitive. Not at all.If living with your family is truly your only option here and only you know that, then I think there are a couple things you can do.1. Accept that you will not change how your family thinks/acts.2. Also accept that you are relying on their charity. I think that even though your family's behavior is horrendous you are not really in a position to judge and criticize them in their home. 3. Start figuring out your plan. What can you do between now and the time the baby is born to secure your independence? Where are some affordable apartments? What is your plan for childcare? Have you calculated your ex's child support obligation? Do you have an attorney to help you with a CO?I would literally use every waking moment to work on getting all my ducks in a row so that you are not forced to rely on anyone.Good luck with your pregnancy!nbsp;

All of this. And then once she is here, and you are hopefully out on your own, I would make it VERY clear from the beginning that if anything of that nature is even muttered around LO then they will not be allowed contact with her at all. That type of talk from her family could be damaging to her self esteem.

karleegirl · January 2013

I'm white / h is black and we live in a very backwards area. Both of our families weren't thrilled on us dating/marrying outside of our race but never said such obvious racist comments. They have all improved since the kids came. But we warned both sides our kids would not be allowed around those comments.
Do not raise your child around this
ignorance.

Littlejen22 · January 2013

My kids are bi racial, I would cut anyone out of my life if they were racist against my kids, period. There is a chance than when the baby is born they will love the baby and change but there is a good chance they won't and I will raise my kids in an environment where their own family is making fun of them and yes, making jokes about people because of their race which is the same as your kids is making fun of your kids and saying other horrible things about them. And I have a feeling that if Clinton was President your Dad would not like her but likely not say she should be shot, and either way you cannot raise your kid around someone like that.

You need to find a way to take care of yourself and your child without leaning on hateful people.

Littlejen22 · January 2013

Oh and people that say they are not racist are actually racist, they are just trying to justify themself.

fivefeetsmall · January 2013

Littlejen22:
Oh and people that say they are not racist are actually racist, they are just trying to justify themself.

Trust me I know... We've had that convo. I have told my Dad before that if he feels a black man is ok to be friends with but not date his daughter that is still considered racism. He was fed some crap from his mother a long time ago about it not being Christian. His parents... Who I don't even speak to... Have gone as far to say that I am cursing the family. My parents and siblings I think may turn around on their behavior once she is here, but my grandparents will absolutely not be in our lives. To say that about a child is just disgusting to me.

karleegirl · January 2013

I have an aunt who loves to see my kids and wants pictures etc.. But she still throws out racist comments. It may not be the N word but they are not ok.
We don't go around her anymore. As my kids get older they will start to pick up on the negativity. I want them to be proud of both sides.

krhee102011 · January 2013

My husband is Korean and a few people on his side of the family, namely his grandmother, thinks exactly the same way. She was pissed that he married me as I am not Asian and not at least white (I'm black/indian). Needless to say he hasn't talked to her in about 3 years.

Although we recently had our baby, she has not so much as reached out with a 'Congrats' about him. Others in his family, at least to us, said congrats. If they feel the way she does they keep it to themselves.

I think for you perhaps some people in your family will change once your baby is born, but some will not and you have to prepared to be strong for your child because of that. It would definitely help if you could find somewhere else to live that is less stressful.

Nineoceans · January 2013

No no no. I would tell your parents if they want you around they cut it out. Children are born without knowing about hate or race. Hate is a learned trait so you have an opportunity to make sure your daughter never learns this through these bigots

mamastich · January 2013

I'm a lurker from the SP board I am also biracial black and white. Please do not raise your child in that environment there are enough people who have their jokes to tell and it should never be family. Try to make them change but they probably won't. Just don't subject your LO to that please

fivefeetsmall · January 2013

Thank you to everyone who gave me feedback and support. I am hopeful that once they see her they will be so overcome that they realize how hurtful it is, but if they don't she won't see them. I don't want it to come to that, but she has to come first. I view her sense of self being formed as highly as I view her learning to feed herself. At this moment I simply can't move out, I'm high risk, can't work because of complications, and have almost depleted my savings. I am grateful to them for their generosity, but once I'm well I will be getting out on my own again. I just won't allow this around her. Again, thank you everyone!

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