Being teased about the loss of my daughter?

Binarymuffin · January 2013

My daughter was born without a heartbeat and not breathing. Long story short, they revived her but the brain damage had been done, and 3 beautiful weeks later, she died.

That was barely a month ago. I am literally haunted by her. I can't sleep. I hear her lullabies, everything smells like her, I am walking around with an empty chest and it is consuming me.

The only reason I can function at all is my loving husband. We are holding each other together.

Some people, like my sister-in-law, my exes, and co-workers that I cannot avoid, tell me that I am being selfish because I "make everything about me and being depressed." I do not understand. I have "unsubscribed" some of my friends and when they asked why, it was because all they ever post are pictures of their new babies or how much they love them.

My sister-in-law is pregnant and told my husband's entire family that I was a selfish b**ch because I would not go to her babyshower. And she even went as far as asking me for my daughter's old things, "since I'm not using it anymore."

Is it really so wrong that I do not want to stare at pictures of babies? They call me selfish, and even go so far as to say that "it was meant to happen." I know some people believe that everything happens for a reason, but surely I am not a bad person for being offended by that?

I am basically asking you all for an objective point of view. I am very sick of people calling me selfish and making me feel bad for being sad.

It has only been a month!

Thanks in advance.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · January 2013

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little girl. In my opinion, your sister in law is a real piece of work. Shame on her for asking for the things you no longer get to use. I don't blame you for not going to the baby shower either. I'm over a year out and have been invited to a few baby showers since everything happened and I still have yet to go to one. Just can't bring myself to do it. I'm just now getting to the point where I can slightly glace at pictures of babies and even then, sometimes it's just not a good day.

One of my biggest "can't stand that statement" is "everything happens for a reason." No, not everything. Thanks.

By true definition of the word - yes, you are being selfish. But you know what? YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE RIGHT NOW. The first few months are especially hard. During this time you have to do what's best for you and DH and do whatever gets you through to the next day. And if that means not attending a baby shower, not looking at pictures and un-friending people on FB then so be it.

Huge hugs sweetie. This situation just sucks.

starburst0928 · January 2013

You are not selfish at all! The way your described how those people are acting around you makes me want to smack them! They are not trying to be sensitive at all and clearly do not get what you are going through!

I unsubscribed to a ton of baby posters on FB, I avoid all things baby, and am depressed. All those things you described you have the right to do, especially since your loss is so new!

I would have said to your SIL "how about we wait for your baby to die too, and see if you want to lend out her things". That makes me so mad knowing she actually asked you for them! Who does that?!?

I'm one who subscribes to the everything happens for a reason belief, but DH doesn't. He gets really sad/offended when people say it too.

Do not think for a second that you do not have a right to be sad.

Noethola · January 2013

You are not being selfish, you are grieving. And I would not hesitate to tell people that. She was a life, not a sack of potatoes you carried around in your tummy. There is no time limit for grief.

Grieving the loss of a child is a process,
It begins the day your child passes
and ends the day the parent joins them. - BJKarrer

Whether or not it was meant to happen, it did happen. When people told me "Well maybe something was wrong with her/would have been wrong with her" I wanted to punch them. My daughter will always be perfect to me. Yes, her heart stopped beating, but that did not mean that something was wrong. It just happened.

Sometimes I have to remind people, I am not angry at you for having a baby or being pregnant, I am just sad for me and I will never get to experience those things with my own daughter.

At the end of the day, they have no idea what you have gone through or how devestating it can truly be. Everything about your world changes.

Finding other families in your area who have experienced loss could help you to have a safe place to grieve and surround you with supportive people. We will support you how we can through this group.

jess123456 · January 2013

So sorry for your loss. Like others have said you have EVERY right to be selfish because you just experienced a tremendous loss. There is no way that they can understand what you have been through until they have walked in your shoes. You need to do what you need to do for you right now. I am so angry at those people who made you feel upset. I also agree that a local support group might be really helpful. Surround yourself with those who are supportive and know that we are always here for you. Sending you tons of hugs.

tuscanbride2007 · January 2013

First of all, I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. Second, I am sorry that you do not have so many selfish people in your circle. You are not being selfish, they are. You lost your daughter. You had to be there when she was born without a heartbeat. You had to endure what I am guessing to be the longest three weeks of your life. People should think about what they say before they open their mouth. If you lost your husband or mother they would not tell you to get over it. I am so very sad that people do not have compassion for others.

I am very glad that you found this board. Please come here when you need to cry, vent, be angry or even share a happy story. All of us on this board have different stories, but we all know what it is like to lose a precious child.

((HUGS))

Bayberry12 · January 2013

Deidre,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. Did you name her? We would all love to hear about her, if you a comfortable sharing.

I am glad your husband is being so supportive. A loss like this will bring you two closer together. Right now, you NEED to be selfish, you need to protect your heart. I have also removed many people from my news feed on FB, I threw away Christmas cards that had pictures of happy babies on them. Your family needs to understand this is very painful for you.

I would definitely recommend attending a support group or counseling. It might help to invite some of your family to attend as well. This kind of grief is very new and confusing for everyone, they need to see that everything you are feeling is normal.

I'm glad you have found this board, and I hope you can find some support from all the wonderful women here.

meli1025 · January 2013

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter. The reaction by the people in your circle infuriates me. You have every right to focus on yourself and your grieving process. I am so sorry that you do not have the support that you should have right now. Your sister-in-law should be ashamed of herself for having the nerve to ask for your daughter's things. I honestly would never speak to her again. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. None of us want to see pictures of babies...I hid those friends from my news feed on FB too although I didn't think they could tell that I did that. Just be easy on yourself. Disconnect from those who are not supportive and find the support you need. Loss groups, therapy, us. We are all here for you. ((HUGS)).

Carolee · January 2013

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. IMO, they are definitely the problem and not you. They haven't walked in their shoes - how dare they judge how you are grieving! And I seriously can't believe your SIL - that's horrible.

As far as "everything happens for a reason," I think that's one of the token statements that people say to try to make others feel better. It doesn't work. I can't think of any reason that is good enough for my son to have been taken away from me.

It's definitely not you - it's them! (((HUGS)))

Crunkal · January 2013

I cannot believe people are treating you this way!!! You have every right to grieve. They are the ones in the wrong. How dare she ask for your things. I'm very sorry for your loss, and that you have to deal with all these things on top of it.

Want a personalized experience?

Being teased about the loss of my daughter?

Re: Being teased about the loss of my daughter?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards