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Special Needs
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Are you causing Learned Helplessness?
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:::raises hand:::
A couple of months ago, Nate's Two's teacher at school gave me a handout about Learned Helplessness before he transitioned to the Threes class.
Nate is apparently "workin' the system" at school and seeing what adults in the Three's class will fall for helping him out. According to his teacher he is always looking for a hand to hold when walking around the class.
Today, I got the LH speech again in our Parent/Teacher conference. On Wednesdays Nate stays for lunch with the Threes to work on his feeding skills in the lunch room. (He is still on IFSP so he does not qualify for the all day program) Anywho, I have been given a reminder that I should just be an extra set of eyes during lunch and make Nate work with the food himself.
Umm, he would have stuffed a half of hamburger in his mouth because he doesn't get the concept of what "one bite" means. He also crushes the dixie cup they give the milk in and spills it all over his front. There are work arounds like cutting up everything and using a sippy and/or bib instead, but how does that help him?
*sigh* I guess I am gonna have to put my OCD tendencies away and let the kid get covered with food......**shudders**
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Re: Are you causing Learned Helplessness?
Me. Except it is when DS puts clothes on and off.
My husband and I try very hard not to. But it's hard when others swoop in, like:
our nanny this morning, while J was doing his cut and sort homework: "Do you need me to cut those for you?"
our neighbor, "Why don't you just cut that piece of meat for him? He's struggling with it."
our parents, no matter the time or place.
I keep telling them it's important for them to learn to do things for themselves, but what do I know....
You totally have to schedule Teaching Independence into an already over booked day. It takes a damn long time to independently walk to the car from school and get up/down the three flights of stairs to our house. Don't even get me started on the getting dressed and undressed.
I just don't always have time to deal.
Him starting preschool is what really opened my eyes to it. I hear you on the mess thing! In trying toget better with our daughter, who has Down syndrome, but self feeding of spaghetti about outs me over the top!
I have a hard time with this, but RDI was really, really good at helping me recognize how much I do and how much she can do. Part of it is that with DD1 having ASD/being my oldest, there are some things that I'm just not sure when a milestone is supposed to happen.
Like, I'll read a board here and be like, damn, kids her age are taking showers? By themselves? Huh? Guess we better start working on it. Not because she can't do it, but because she usually does need a push or doesn't know how to start something, and it just wouldn't cross her little radar to say, "hey, can I take shower instead and do it all by myself?"
I also have to constantly remind myself that she needs processing time instead of me getting impatient and just doing something myself. If I just shut up after saying something once, sometimes she actually does it, just in her own time.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
I'm positive that I do and I am trying to be more conscious of it and make him do things for himself. It is hard to get out of that habit but I'm keeping it in the forefront of my mind that you must mistakes and do things on your own to learn.
Eating is one of those things and the thought of food all over his clothes makes me squirm. I've got to get over that and other things though!
A few weeks ago he zipped up his coat and I was like WHAT when did you learn that!!!!! I told his OT at school and she was like oh yeah he's been doing that for a while.
I've gotten better about building time in and just letting him be while he's getting dressed but I still pick his clothes. He would is not very independent so he is constantly trying to get me to do basic stuff for him.
DS 09/2008
We do a lot of pushing him and not letting him be helpless. We have switched therapists a few times now because he charms the hell out of them and totally plays them. It's now pretty much the first question I look for when evaluating new potential doctors, therapists, school programs, etc.
We do still help him a lot at home and we do do things for him when we don't have time...if only the days were longer, but alas when it takes your kid 3x+ longer to do things by themself/with minimal assistance and they already have a way busier than most 3 year olds schedule, I do skip "self help" sometimes so we can make it on time, he can get a good night's sleep/get a reasonable nap, and have some time to play. don't consider That learned helplessness though, merely that there's a time and a place for everything. I am pretty specific about it...today I am going to carry you up the stairs so we have time to play in the bath and read a book before bed, you take off your magic shoes and then I'll take off your pants, etc. To me those are reasonable accomodations. Eventually he'll need to learn to do everything himself, but he's 3, there's time. Just because he has special needs doesn't mean (to me) he should have struggle through everything all of the time and life should only be about work and not include the child's proper work of play. If he starts in on the I can't or I need help though, you better believe he has to try to the best of his abilities before I help.
LOL!
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
Guilty. DH is always trying to get Chris to do stuff on his own in the morning and gets mad at me when I suddenly start feeding him his fruit or picking him and putting him in his high chair but hi, he has to be ready, coat on, book bag in hand at 7:30 so 7:20 is not the time to start trying to get him to eat his fruit on his own.
And yes, sometimes when I'm alone at home with the 2 kids it's just easier to help Chris along.
I know I have to be better about it. Not sure how but I'm sure we'll figure out.
Auntie- thank you for this. This affirms what the school told us- it's also a matter of getting him to be flexible to do things in a different way.
I've been guilty of this. It's a huge part of why Aaron didn't really self-feed until December when he started daycare full time. This morning, even though he spilled some and made a mess, he fed himself cold cereal with milk--three months ago he would have made me feed him.
And I know I have to press him to figure out how to undress/dress himself. I just found it easier/faster to do it for him than let him take the time. Which has been a disservice to his development.
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