STM's what to do?

ilenegrace · January 2013

I am still getting in the swing of things with 2 children. This morning I left DD in her rock n play for a moment to put my contacts in. Both kids were in the same room as me but around the corner out of eye shot. As soon as I got one contact in DD started fussing so I peaked my head around the corner to see my 3 yr old DS had picked her up out of the rock n play to try and soothe her and was standing holding her in his arms (my nightmare). He has been told several times not to do this. Its basically our only rule with him and DD. My heart dropped I was so scared he would drop her and I told him not to move and I ran and grabbed her out of his arms and put him in time-out.

DH thinks I should have spanked him or done more to discipline him but I just feel weird about that since even though he broke the #1 rule he didn't do it to be bad he thought he was helping his baby sister. And DS actually turned around and told me I should have strapped her in (which I should have ugh!) I feel to blame for what happened since I know better to leave them out of sight so its hard for me to punish DS.

Anyways I'm just not sure if I should have handled the situation differently with DS? How do I communicate to a 3 yr old how dangerous picking up his sister is because clearly it didn't stick all the other times I told him.

EDIT: I should add we only spank when its disciplining a dangerous or potentially dangerous behavior. Which DH felt this was but I disagreed because of the context of the situation.

CelticWife · January 2013

Lurking, sorry!

I dont think there really is a way to convince a 3 year old that picking up his sister is dangerous. He sees everyone else doing it, and just wants to help his sister.

We had this trouble with ds for a while. I hated to punish him for trying to help. Finally, I got to the point that I either took baby with me or had ds leave the room with me.

I also started leaving dd in her pack n play, where ds could not reach her.

There really are not too many options, other then never leaving them alone.

nealbl · January 2013

I am not against spanking however I do not think this situation deserved spanking. Like you said he thought he was being helpful and trying to console his baby sister. I find it incredibly unfair to spank him for this.

This is our number one rule too and luckily DD obeys it. Worst thing she has done is DD#2 was on her belly on the floor for some tummy time and when I came back in the room she was on her back. She was too youg to roll so I asked DD#1 what happened and she said she was cranky on her belly so I flipped her. #2 was fine but I am sure she did not flip her gently. They are in a room by themselves a lot and actually #1 is very helpful. #2 loves her big sister and will stop crying if she sits next to her and talks to her. So when I am getting ready in the morning she does that a lot for me.

I would just sit down with him and talk to him and explain that he should come get you if the baby is crying and not try to pick the baby up. Tell him how bad he could hurt the baby. Do you have a video monitor? Maybe you could set it up in the room they will be in

rjeller32 · January 2013

I think with children so young, there is no way to have them fully understand what harm they may be doing with their little siblings. They really do mean well, and want to help. The best thing to do is to act really calm when you see the situation, grab the infant and tell the older sibling although you appreciate their help, they need to ask before they touch the baby. It makes them feel important without disciplining them, which could cause a resentment towards you or their sibling. And as hard as it can be at times, try and not leave them alone in a room together, because honestly they don't know what they are doing can hurt the baby, whether it be them "helping" soothe the crying baby, or trying to feed the baby. You will never succeed in getting a 3 year old to fully understand not to do these things.

itsmevkb · January 2013

We don't spank so that wouldn't be an option for us. I think using a timeout is appropriate, along with a lot more talks about what are things he can and can't do with his sister. When we brought home babies we would talk to our older child about how they can gently touch the baby, and we'd let them touch, and then say but not hit the baby, grab the baby, hold the baby, etc. We would let them hold the baby while sitting on the couch under supervision and told them that if they ever wanted to hold the baby all they had to do was ask and we would help them to do it. I think you just have to repeat these things over and over and over again to reinforce and to get them to sink in.

AMY081410 · January 2013

CelticWife:
Lurking, sorry! I dont think there really is a way to convince a 3 year old that picking up his sister is dangerous. He sees everyone else doing it, and just wants to help his sister. We had this trouble with ds for a while. I hated to punish him for trying to help. Finally, I got to the point that I either took baby with me or had ds leave the room with me. I also started leaving dd in her pack n play, where ds could not reach her. There really are not too many options, other then never leaving them alone.

This exactly. I just don't leave them alone together or if I do, DD2 is in the pack n play. But even with that, I'm concerned DD1 will try to give DD2 a paci or food or something that is a choking hazard.

landosmommy · January 2013

I think you did everything right. It is very tough trying to teach a toddler what is right and what is wrong when they just don't get the concept yet. He's not old enough to fully understand what he did wrong, so I don't think a spanking was needed/appropriate in this situation.

I totally get where you're coming from. DH and I have a few differences in opinion when disciplining DS with DD situations. Hang in there! It will all pass shortly, because before we know it they will be in school!

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