Last update and then I'm done with this mess

CFjo2010 · January 2013

So we talked to K and DD last night. We explained what bullying is, how it makes people feel, and what to do if a bully is bothering them or if they see someone being bullied. We left BM out of it, but did reference what happened at school the other day. We were careful to say, "when your friend told R that they weren't allowed to talk to her because someone called her a brat and said Jo is mean, as R's sister and as the wonderful kid we know you are, you should have told your friend to be nice and defended R. Just like we would expect R to do for you." Then the tears started.

K told us that when she tries to defend R to BM, BM tells her to "tekll the truth about how bad R is" and then punishes her. She said she was sorry that R got her feelings hurt and that she doesn't want R to be mad at her. We assured her, as did R, that no one is mad at her and we just want to make sure as sisters, they stick up for each other and stick up for other kids that might get bullied. No matter how many times we tried to turn the conversation around to exclude BM, K kept bringing her in. Turns out, K has heard BM saying these things to several students and parents in K's class as well as other classes. A couple of the students/parents that K mentioned are people that I am friendly with on a regular basis and their children are always kind to R and K. At least we know that not everyone is buying into BM's antics.

However, it needs to stop. DH sent an email to BM addressing the problem and told her the behavior needs to stop as it is detrimental to K, but of course she didn't respond. BM has made her bitterness and hatred become a school problem, and no longer an "at home" problem. I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I'm approaching this situation as if it were any other parent at the school. I spoke with R's teacher this morning about what has been going on. The teacher has a child in K's class and was appalled that this is happening. DH is going to talk to K's teacher on Friday when he volunteers. I really didn't want to get the school administration involved, but this is clearly a bigger problem than I originally thought. The school has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to bullying, and I really feel that should extend to the adults as well. Kids already have to worry about bullies among their peers, they should not have to worry about adults at school bullying them.

This whole situation has me sick to my stomach. Adults just should not behave this way. This type of behavior wouldn't surprise me if it were coming from a 15 or 16 year old, but we're talking about a 30 year-old woman who is bullying a child. A 30 year-old woman who is attacking a child because of her own insecurities and issues. This is the epitome of "pick on someone your own size", and I'm disgusted. No child should ever be attacked by an adult.

kali55 · January 2013

I am so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this. What a complete nightmare. I can feel my blood boiling for you over a grown woman bullying your child.

I think you did the right thing by involving the school administration. And if it were me, I would be doing EVERYTHING in my power to protect my child from a person like that, which it sounds like you are. GL and I hope this ends soon. I can't begin to imagine how confusing it would be for a child to have an adult behave so maliciously toward them.

SimpleJane · January 2013

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I think you are handling it the right way, but I worry about the backlash K will face from BM. If this continues you should talk to your lawyer about filing contempt. BM needs to be put in her place.

jenjen930 · January 2013

Jeez, this really stinks. I am so sorry for all of you - you, DH, K, and R. What a terrible thing to be dealing with. BM sounds like a real monster.

I agree with PP. This may end up being a court issue, just to protect poor K. This is just wrong on so many levels. My heart breaks for those kids.

lb1212 · January 2013

I think you were 100% right to alert the school of this issue. If BM is going to act like a child - have her sent to the principal's office.

I'm glad R was so nice in her responses to K during your talk. Poor K though!!! For getting into trouble for not lying about R!?!?! WTF!?! Who does that to a kid?!?! I'd love to call "your" BM and tell her off for you!

J&A2008 · January 2013

You are doing an excellent job of handling a very tough situation.

I'm so glad the girls are still friends through all this.

Ditto pp who said this should be addressed in your CO and ditto the support on going to to school as you would with any other adult bullying issue.

bebe11 · January 2013

I am so sorry, it does sound like you are doing the right thing by speaking with the school. I know I would do that as well. And as for BM what a crazy a$$ biotch! I hope she grows up soon.... So sad.

FutureMrsWittig · January 2013

Jo, does K see a counselor? If I were your H I'd see about getting her into some court-mandated counseling. What her mom is doing is psychological abuse. You need a professional who can document these things and testify to them in court.

CFjo2010 · January 2013

FutureMrsWittig:
Jo, does K see a counselor? If I were your H I'd see about getting her into some court-mandated counseling. What her mom is doing is psychological abuse. You need a professional who can document these things and testify to them in court.

A couple years ago BM put K in counseling (without telling DH). He only found out about it because K mentioned it. When he tried to speak with the counselor, she wouldn't discuss anything with him regarding the background saying, "BM already gave me all the information". Basically, BM got to put her spin on everything without any input from DH. After a few months BM stopped taking K. BM claimed that the counseling wasn't helping and that transportation was an issue. DH inquired with the counselor what had been discussed and why K stopped going and the counselor implied that BM wasn't hearing what she wanted to hear.

Last school year K saw the school guidance counselor, but nothing came of it. Unfortunately with the budget cuts, K only saw the school counselor about once a month, so a total of maybe 6 times. My husband as repeatedly told BM he wants to put K in counseling, but she won't agree to one. The only place she would agree to was a place for low-income patients on medi-cal. K isn't on medi-cal so the suggestion from BM was pointless. I think the real reason she won't agree to anything is because she doesn't want K telling people what's going on.

It would take a few months to get a Court date to have a Judge order counseling, but at this point I think that's what is going to have to happen.

Littlejen22 · January 2013

I think you are soon the right thing. Is BM doing this at the school or outside of the school?

Phantomgirl · January 2013

Did the school say if they would broach the subject with BM?

I think you did the right thing. Maybe, just maybe it will shock her enough to make her realise how petty she is.

I feel sorry for both K and your DD.

CFjo2010 · January 2013

Littlejen22: I'm not 100% sure where exactly this is happening. I'm pretty positive that when it comes to K, these things are being said to her at home. But I have a hard time believing that BM is "running into" these other parents and students when she's out and about, which really only leaves the school where she would see them.

Phantom: the teacher was just so shocked and appalled, she didn't know what to do really. She said that she's never dealt with something like this, but that she would talk to the principal immediately. I'm sure the principal will be contacting me to get more information, and I plan to ask her how they will handle this. And to be honest, I'm not sure how I want this handled.

I don't know if I want the school to call BM in and deal with her directly, or if sending out a newsletter addressing the issue will be best. If a newsletter is sent out saying "It's been brought to our attention that this type of behavior is taking place at our school and we would ask all parents to refrain from engaging in bullying behavior", then people will know what's going on, and BM will know it's about her and that she's been "caught". I know this is kind of passive aggressive, but it might keep the fireworks to a minimum. The flip side is that BM may not figure out it's about her and she'll continue the behavior and feel emboldened since she wasn't personally confronted. Or she'll get angry at K for "telling" on her.

This situation just sucks all around, for everyone involved. What's been said and done can't be undone, I just want it to stop before anyone else gets their feelings hurt.

twister22 · January 2013

wendilea:
SimpleJane:
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I think you are handling it the right way, but I worry about the backlash K will face from BM. If this continues you should talk to your lawyer about filing contempt. BM needs to be put in her place.
If you have a clause in your CO about not speaking poorly of the other parent/family, this could be grounds for a custody change. The woman is sick.

I would file contempt and request a custody change.

MrsS81112 · January 2013

You definitely did the right thing by bringing it to the school's attention! As PP said, when BM had visitations that court order had a clause that neither parent was allowed to talk poorly about the other to the child. It's very immature but I sort of understand what you're going through! When my SS's BM had visitations with him she used to say all kinds of horrible things to my SS about his father and I (none were true). Some people are very sick!!