Venting about a BM

lafayettegirl · January 2013

Agency called us yesterday - baby born premature, but healthy. BM no drugs, healthy. BF will sign. Matched family can't take baby. Do we want to show profile? YES!

Agency called last night - baby tested positive for meth. BM swore no drugs, but then said she did meth every once in a while.We're pulling our profile this morning.

I freaking hate that! I know, I know. She is a drug user, but it just makes you realize that some of the stuff some BMs say is a total lie and the baby you think you are getting may not be the baby that really shows up.

Imagine that poor family who had originally been matched finding out healthy, no drugs baby is really a meth baby, who, born prematurely and at a low birth weight, is now likely to have some real problems down the line.

This makes me sooooooo angry and super-suspicious of BMs. And I don't want to be like that.

julandjo · January 2013

I get what you're saying and I share your frustration. I just wanted to say that I prickled at the use of "meth baby". He or she is an innocent baby who was exposed to meth, not a dirty, undesirable thing. Semantics, yes, but words are powerful.

lafayettegirl · January 2013

Sorry - I was just writing stream of consciousness. It is not how the agency, nor we, would truly describe her. She has meth in her blood stream.

I understand how hurtful that can be and will definitely be more careful next time. I apologize!!!

CaptainSerious · January 2013

I understand how difficult it must be to find out that a BM lied about something so important and how that can make you distrustful of others going forward. It's a really hard thing.

I also imagine the BM lied because she thought it's the only way her baby could find a loving home, even though that's not true. Imagine her fright and anxiety in all this, especially if she's recently used. I'm not trying to say that it excuses her behavior, just that I can understand why things like this happen...which also means that I'd be right there with you in the uncertain if I can trust the next BM, which is so unfortunate. Like I said, hard.

Still, I want to caution you that when it comes to health, there are no guarantees. You may think you are getting a perfectly healthy baby, and the baby may be born and present perfectly healthy, and a few years down the line you may find out that the baby has a condition that no one knew about or could have prevented. That can happen any time a child is added to a family, whether by adoption or not, and there's no safeguarding against it. That's (almost) what happened to us, and it's something you have to be prepared to take in stride.

ETA: I want to clarify that I'm not saying you don't already know this or that you couldn't or wouldn't adjust, it's just that I'm particularly sensitive to the notion that it's unfair that the "healthy baby" you were assured of turned out to have been exposed to meth, which could potentially lead to medical/emotional issues down the road.

edaire · January 2013

Poor little innocent baby

Makes me sad for him/her. As a social worker for CPS, I've had many a drug exposed babies in my case load. Luckily, every single one of them has grown into sweet, chunky, drooling, happy, healthy babies...and are developmentally on track at this point. I know that a lot of babies are not as lucky, but hopefully this one will be! I can't imagine your frustration!

KatieRose09 · January 2013

I don't post on here very often, but I read daily. I just also wanted to point out (not that you don't already know this) that a health condition or special needs issue (Autism comes to mind) could happen when the mother truly does take care of herself. A child could be severely autistic and you would have no idea at birth. I am so sorry that you were not given accurate information. I hope the baby is a fighter and overcomes all of his/her struggles in life. Best of luck to you!

erinmc1 · January 2013

If I'm not misunderstanding, it's not so much that she DID meth, as that she lied about it. Adoption is a leap of faith on both ends, and it seems like there should be as much honesty as possible, good and bad, right from the beginning, so neither party feels they were conned into the match.

lafayettegirl · January 2013

Yes - I am aware anything can happen to any baby. Mentally, I am prepared for that. It just sucks when you go in thinking one thing and it turns out to be something you are unprepared for - like drug withdrawal when you thought there were no drugs involved.

That being said, we are not prepared right now to handle a baby who is withdrawing. While I have a full maternity leave of 12 weeks (not all paid), neither my husband nor I are ready to leave a job so we can stay at home full-time with a baby Social Workers are saying will need a stay-at-home parent for at least a year. And I highly doubt, after talking with the day care centers are our offices, that they are prepared to take on a child who may still be experiencing some of the ongoing sensitivities that a child born with drugs in its system may experience in the first year.

The long term stuff we can deal with and would with any child we adopt who might have issues, whether they were born "healthy" or not.

My whole point is that birth moms who lie about the drugs they are taking really make life harder on everyone than need be and it truly sucks. I don't care how hard life is, YOU ARE CARRYING A BABY. If you take drugs, at least tell the people who are trying to help you so they can help the child too. You've made the decision to place the child, at least be honest instead of lying, straight-faced, to the docs who came in to inform you that your baby is withdrawing from meth. Trust me, the baby didn't take some by itself on the way out of the @#%*& delivery room.

Vent over.

Rachel Sonnier · January 2013

That really, really sucks. I would not like being lied to either. By nature I do not like surprises. I like to be prepared, know all of the info and have all of the cards out on the table at all times. I would be very upset if I were in your shoes as well.

edited after I read your response ;-)

((HUGS!!!)) I really hope you find your match soon. I have been following your story since I started with this board last year and I am really rooting for you!!

CaptainSerious · January 2013

I hope my response didn't come off as if I was judging you for walking away from this child! I certainly did not mean that. There are many, very valid reasons for not accepting any match, most simply because it's not within the boundaries of what you and your husband are comfortable with.

And I did understand and commiserate with the point of your post, that the lying makes it harder on everyone and difficult to trust others going forward. I agree with that.

The only reason I posted the rest, and I hesitated to do it because I know you are hurting right now, is because I felt it was important to point out that sometimes, no matter how hard you try to safeguard your family from certain situations, it happens anyway. That's what happened to us, and the initial hit really sucked. We went out of our way to adopt from a country with far less incidence of FASD and specifically had every child's file we were seriously considering reviewed by a doctor specializing in adoption risk factors. We were congratulating ourselves on "how lucky" we were that, even though our child had an alcoholic mother he was born without FAS--and then BOOM! I just wanted to warn you that it can come out of the blue, no matter what, because if I can spare anyone the hit we took, I'd like to.

silliestbunny · January 2013

I am so sorry you are hurting... we had a very similar situation and it's no fun. sending you hugs.

With a ton of compassion, I have to add that it feels very isolating to read your post. Many Emoms and Bmoms are struggling to keep their lives together... and lying may be their way of keeping their current family intact. There's a ton of reasons why someone might not tell the truth. I caution everyone from judging these women. If they weren't in a difficult position, they most likely would not make an adoption plan.

Also, I think this scenario is one that could recur in your journey. There are Emoms that may not be truthful for fear of being judged and/or having action taken against them. It's important that you know your threshold and stick to it. Adoption is not for the feint of heart. It's tough.

lafayettegirl · January 2013

Thanks everyone. I was really angry this morning, but I'm feeling better about it. And when one door closes another one opens, right?

CaptainSerious - no offense at all. I always appreciate reading your perspective and it is always helpful!

Silliestbunny - yep - we are prepared to see it again. It just hasn't happened until now and was a bit jarring, even though we know these moms are likely not telling everyone everything.

Getting some time and perspective has helped me actually go from being mad to amazed and more calm about it. It is also helping to keep us continually refining our expectations.

Adoption is quite the journey! Thanks for all of your input and support! We'll see what the next situation holds!

silliestbunny · January 2013

Glad you are in a better place this afternoon. It is a jarring experience... and ladden with emotions.

Karen1024 · January 2013

We had the same situation. BM said only some drugs very early until she found out she was pregnant. Had been fighting to keep her other kids and working with CPS. We matched but the mom turned up positive for meth. It was a terrible situation. We didn't trust anything she said after that and ended up pulling out of the match because we were pretty strict on the drug/alcohol exposure. The BM ended up losing all of her children after that. I feel bad for the poor social worker who had to work with that mom!!!!! Terrible situation all around. We ended up becoming parents a few months later... Remember that just because you match if something major like that happens you can back out. Still sucks though.

Karen1024 · January 2013

Oh, and I too am aware that a healthy pregnancy can result in birth defects and an unhealthy pregnancy can result in fine happy healthy children. But they tell you not to use drugs when you are pregnant for a reason. I think it's okay to want your child to start out with the best chances whether they are adopted or biological. Adopting at risk children is a wonderful gift some people have to give the world. But it's good to know your own limitations...

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