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I hear ya, I hear ya. Suggestions?

CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
in Blended Families

Regarding my earlier post about BM badmouthing DD.. I hear you all loud and clear about talking to K.  And I agree.  Not just from the "Stick up for your sister" standpoint, but just teaching K to stand up to bullies and stick up for people getting picked on in general. DH is going to email BM about what was said (purely for documentation purposes in case this behavior continues and I need to seek legal remedies), but we definitely want to talk to K.

So here's my question:  How would you broach this subject about what BM has said with K?  I don't want K to feel like she's being punished or reprimanded for what BM has done, because she'll just end up feeling like we're picking on her or she'll start to resent her mother.  I know children have a loyalty conflict when it comes to their parents, and K especially has conflict because of BM's emotional manipulation over the years.  I feel that it's important for K to understand that it's ok for her to disagree with things BM says and things that we say, that her opinions matter and that she won't be punished for disagreeing with people.

Suggestions?

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Re: I hear ya, I hear ya. Suggestions?

  • PhantomgirlPhantomgirl member

    I would focus the attention on your DD and how she was hurt and upset by what was said.  How much you all love each other as a family and how sad it would be to have any ill feelings between you all.

    Even if K says her mom said it just revert back to how DD was hurt and how hurting peoples feelings is not acceptable behaviour.

    Don't say anything about BM, otherwise you will get a reply to your email telling you to stop badmouting her to her DD, which you don't want. 

    Don't make a huge deal out of it, just make the point and move on.  The girls will most likely forget about it sooner than you will.

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  • kali55kali55 member

    I agree with Phantom about redirecting the conversation if and when SD brings up what BM said and making it about how hurt DD was and how it's inappropriate to participate in a situation where someone's feelings are being hurt.  You can maybe explain that SD can't control what other people say or do, but she can control her actions. 

     

     



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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member
    imagePhantomgirl:

    I would focus the attention on your DD and how she was hurt and upset by what was said.  How much you all love each other as a family and how sad it would be to have any ill feelings between you all.

    Even if K says her mom said it just revert back to how DD was hurt and how hurting peoples feelings is not acceptable behaviour.

    Don't say anything about BM, otherwise you will get a reply to your email telling you to stop badmouting her to her DD, which you don't want. 

    Don't make a huge deal out of it, just make the point and move on.  The girls will most likely forget about it sooner than you will.

    This. You imagine the roles were reversed. K came to you and said your DD's friend was badmouthing your DH and K. You would explain how DD should have seen that the situation is wrong and is a form of bullying and that she needs to stand up for herself and others in this type of situation. Your DH should handle it the same way.

    My point is BM should never be brought up because she wasn't there and did nothing wrong in that exact moment and you can't prove she did. If K brings her up, simply state that BM wasn't there and K should know better than to stand by and watch someone bully and talk negatively about those she loves or anyone really.

    Maybe gather some anti-bullying info. This is a learning situation for K. Some schools have a zero tolerance on bullying and she needs to be aware that this was bullying so she knows she shouldn't participate in it.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • SigirSigir member
    I agree. Avoid mentioning bm and if k says something like, "but, bm said it first!", respond by saying, "it does not matter who said it first. The bottom line is that talking like that is hurtful and not productive, and when another kid is saying something like that about your sister, it's your job to stand up for her and put a stop to it. "

    Although I doubt k will bring up bm. Based on what you post about her, her reaction will probably be very similar to my dc's reaction when I dealt w a similar situation... Dc was very remorseful and understood that the right thing had not been done.
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  • TasheystarTasheystar
    I don't have any different suggestions. I just wanted to say that I feel so bad for K. She's going to need to read "emotional blackmail" when she's older. It's on my reading list. I hear it's insightful.
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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    I would leave BM completely out of it.  Say to K "DD was incredibly hurt by your friend saying that you guys couldn't talk to her because she is mean and a brat.  We are very disappointed that you chose not to tell your friend that your sister isn't mean or a brat."  This doesn't need to be about what her mom said or didn't, it needs to be about K and the decisions she made.

    Now if K brings up "Well my MOM said that."  I would simply say "But you know it isn't true, and that we don't talk to people or about people that way." and move on.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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