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July 2013 Moms
JellyTwoPointO
member
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
Question about nursery prep and a roommate dilemma
JellyTwoPointO
member
Ok so this is kind of a follow up to my post below.
When did the BTDT moms and when are the FTMs buying baby furniture, bedding, and setting up the nursery, painting, and all that jazz? Around how many weeks did you start on that? For us, knowing the sex doesn't need to be a factor because we want to do a forest and woodland animals theme, so the earthy colors of greens, yellows, browns, etc are neutral anyway.
Now my dilemma. Shortly after getting married, we had a casual friend in a housing bind. We had a spare room and needed some extra money. So he become our roommate and the arrangement has always worked well. He keeps to himself, has never gotten in our way, and has been helpful around the house. But he's living in our spare room. Our baby room.
He knows his time is ticking... At least I hope he has the common sense to know that.... But we haven't given him a definite time of when to get out. How do I handle that? We never had a written agreement, it was always a month by month basis verbal arrangement. But when should he definitely be out by? Since my husband doesn't do confrontation whatsoever, this is going to have to be my area to talk to our roommate and ask him to leave. Any suggestions on how to handle it?
When did the BTDT moms and when are the FTMs buying baby furniture, bedding, and setting up the nursery, painting, and all that jazz? Around how many weeks did you start on that? For us, knowing the sex doesn't need to be a factor because we want to do a forest and woodland animals theme, so the earthy colors of greens, yellows, browns, etc are neutral anyway.
Now my dilemma. Shortly after getting married, we had a casual friend in a housing bind. We had a spare room and needed some extra money. So he become our roommate and the arrangement has always worked well. He keeps to himself, has never gotten in our way, and has been helpful around the house. But he's living in our spare room. Our baby room.
He knows his time is ticking... At least I hope he has the common sense to know that.... But we haven't given him a definite time of when to get out. How do I handle that? We never had a written agreement, it was always a month by month basis verbal arrangement. But when should he definitely be out by? Since my husband doesn't do confrontation whatsoever, this is going to have to be my area to talk to our roommate and ask him to leave. Any suggestions on how to handle it?
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Question about nursery prep and a roommate dilemma
As far as the question about getting everything ready. I'm a planner so we already bought our furniture. We are painting the nursery next week. I know it's early but DH has the week off so we are taking advantage of it.
If I were in your situation with the roommate I would have a sit down conversation with him. You and DH shoudl decide on a date that he has to be out by but give him enough notice so he isn't left out in the cold. If I were you I would tell DH he needs to do this with you even though he doesn't like confrontation, the roommate needs to hear the same message from both of you at the same time. GL!
Baby girl #1 7/11/13
Baby girl #2 4/30/15
Baby Boy Due 2/16/19!
That said, let him know that you want to chat re: the baby/housing scenario, and plan a time to meet up for a cup of coffee. You should explain exactly what you did here, and make sure to:
give him at least a month's notice to find a new place, and
offer to be a recommendation for him with prospective new landlords.
Hope that helps!
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
Not a fun situation.
We did our nursery for DD in September/October time frame I was 7/8 months. I wanted it ready so we could show out of town family after the shower.
So, I say you have time. But it all depends on you. I'd start bringing it up now if it were me and say by April/may timeframe we'll need to get the nursery ready. Just my opinion though...
That's fine, and rental properties often turn over at the end of a month, so the timing should work for him. Just be a little flexible if he finds a great place that's available, like, March 3rd or whatever, since people often move on weekends and such.
Personally I don't think that's enough time. He'll have to find a place, potentially save up if necessary for deposit and first and last month's rent, plus have some money back to get his utilities up and running, I think the end of March would be more fair. -- But you know his situation better than I do, so maybe it is doable.
I would give him 45 to 60 day notice. That way he had time to find a place that works for him and move into to.
He hasn't been paying us since November and has been doing housework instead, so that's an extra 300 a month in his pocket. If he doesn't have extra money, I personally feel like that would be his own fault.... He was originally supposed to move out by Dec 1st because we were going to pursue foster care, and he never moved out. It ended up being "ok" because we became pregnant and couldn't foster. But now that I'm in second tri, I really would like to see him gone and I am afraid of him waffling around with "oh I haven't found a place" excuses like last time. And last time we have him three months notice!
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
Can you do some of the decorating while he is still in the room? Maybe even enlist him to help with the painting so you aren't around the fumes? That would buy him more time
Fair enough, like I said you know his situation better than I do.
However, it does sound like you're going to have an issue with getting him out. If he had 3 months notice before and didn't leave on time, didnt' find a place, what makes you think he'll leave this time?
Do you have a contingency plan if he's not out by set date? Are you going to just change the locks one day? I mean to me it sounds like he doesn't plan on leaving any time soon based on your above comments.
I really don't know! Ugh! See I also know he can stay with his parents for free and he just doesn't want to. I think last time I was a bit soft and too nice about it. Perhaps just simply being more firm and saying "This is the date we need you to leave by" will help. I can at least try.
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
I wish you luck!! If he has a place to stay for free, and just doesn't want to, I'd not hesitate to have the locks changed the day after he's supposed to be gone. I'd set his stuff on the front porch and say, sorry, we gave you x amount of time, and unfortunately we need that space for our growing family.
Does he have some kind of job?
I was going to tell you to give him a lot of time, but this changes the situation of course. He has already been told to leave and is staying without payment? The end of February is more than reasonable.
I think he needs a little intimidation, and both you and DH need to sit down with him. You can do the talking, but with the two of you there, he knows you're being serious. Remind him that he was supposed to leave earlier, and that while you do realise that finding a room to live in is not easy, he needs to find one, soon. Have this talk ASAP. Don't be afraid to ask him how the house hunt is going a couple of times before your deadline expires. (I know, I know, I'm a non-confrontational person too).
He's self employed as a professional photographer. And he's run into a lot of money issues and issues with rent being late when he paid us money, etc from him not getting enough clients. But to me, that's his choice. He is perfectly capable of getting another job elsewhere, even a part time minimum wage job and he CHOOSES not to. Just like he CHOOSES not to live with his parents who are perfectly kind, decent people.
The hinting about house hunting is a good idea!
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
If he isn't paying anymore, I'd ask him to leave "as soon as he can." I'd tell him that you're need to paint and get the nursery set up starting in March, so the end of Feb at the latest.
if he was paying responsibly, then I'd see no issue with letting him stay until May.
In terms of when to set up the nursery, I think that depends on each person. My planning/designing phase is probably going to take a month or two. Hopefully we can start painting/hanging tapestries around month 5 or 6... but we will see.
As far as how to deal with it. I would probably just sit him down and talk about whats changed over the last few weeks, since the end of Dec. and figure out if he is looking for somewhere or just assuming that he skated by with a free pass. Also, I would write up something at least semi formal on when he needs to get out. That way there isn't any "miscommunication." I think the passive aggressive paint by the room is a great idea too. Maybe ask if he can move all of his furniture to the center of the room one day that way you can start applying the base coat. bahahaha.
I completely agree with this. As much as Mikey doesn't do confrontation, this situation should be an exception. Especially since it's not a negative type of confrontation at all--it's a POSITIVE one!! If your friend is a friend he should already understand that this conversation was going to happen. In fact, it might relieve some of HIS anxiety about "when are they gonna tell me".... you know? You can do it!! GL!
TTC #1 since 5/2010 dx: annovulatory
RLP: 2/2012: normal HSG 3/2012: normal
BFP #1 7/20/11 M/C 7/25/11. BFP #2 11/29/11 M/C 12/21/11
I have two angel babies that I will see again one day
BFP #3 10/27/12 EDD: 7/6/13
Baby Emma arrived at 35 weeks by surprise on June 3rd, 2013!!
BFP #4: 5/23/14 EDD: 1/30/15 Emma's gonna be a big sister!
Beta #1 19DPO: 213 Beta #2 21DPO: 674
I say you and DH sit down and keep it short and simple.
Roomate: As you know we are excitedly expecting and need to turn the bedroom you are currently using into our nursery. We've enjoyed having you as a roomate, but we need you to be moved out by Feb 28th. Thank you.
I doubt this guy wants cops involved or his stuff tossed on the street. Start piling baby things near his door and just be firm that Feb 28th is the last day you'll see his stuff around. he can move with his parents....this is not your issue so don't feel bad getting rid of him!
I think BOTH of you should talk to him. I don't understand why your husband doesn't "do confrontation"? At some point, you've got to be constructive and up front. Its not fair to you to have to be the one to do all the confronting. Especially since both of you are about to be parents. Food for thought. He is going to have to get more comfortable and not so avoidant as a father. Otherwise you will be stuck doing all the disciplining and that will suck.
So yeah, I think this should be a house talk. Everyone should get together and decide on a timeline. We have a housemate. He has stayed after DD was born and it was fine. Now that number 2 is on their way he is in the process of moving out. It was understood that when we have a second child we will need the space, but it was an ongoing conversation.
As of right now, you need to give him time to locate a new living arrangement and move out. So I would have this discussion ASAP.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
We had a similar situation with one of our roommates. We told him in July that as of Sept 1 he needed to be out. That date came and went, and there was no fire under his butt until midway through Sept when we changed the deadbolt to a digital one with a keypad. My SO & I each had physical keys, we set a temporary code for the roommate, and said on Oct 1 the code was being changed. His backstory was long and winding, he was the half brother of the wife of a friend, and it was always one sob story after another. Two weeks into Oct I had what I thought was a panic attack/breakdown about him NEVER leaving (I was unknowingly a few weeks PG, so some of the emotion makes a bit more sense in hindsight) and we set a hard deadline of Oct 31. He had a place, lease in hand, everything looked good. . . and then the guy who was moving out of the new place didn't do so by the end of the month, and our roommate ended up staying another two weeks. We gave notice in July, Sept & Oct deadlines passed, and he was out Nov 11.
If your roommate has not been paying rent for a few months and *should* have some money saved up, I think a month notice is plenty of time, as long as you keep in mind that it might be more like 2 months before he is actually out. And if he has family he can crash with, then be hard with the 30 days notice. Our guy's story was pretty sad and he had literally nowhere to go, so we felt very stuck. However, goodwill only goes so far. When his new place STILL wasn't ready for our roommate a week after the beginning of the month, we had him move all of his belongings into our garage, and he stayed at a hotel for a few nights. (We had family coming into town for Thanksgiving, and NEEDED a week or so to get the bedrooms cleaned & turned into a place for guests. It sucked that he needed a few nights in a hotel, but it sucked more for us that we gave him SO much notice, and he did pretty much nothing with that time.)
It's a hard situation, I wish you lots of Good Luck!
I agree that he has lots of choices. If you know his parents and happen to talk to them, it doesn't hurt somehow dropping the fact that your roommate is supposed to leave somewhere during the conversation. Maybe they'll put some pressure on him as well. Good luck with the tough situation!
YES! Put it in writing! I meant to put that in before. Write up a simple document, with all of your names, the house address, and the date he is to be out by, and have everyone sign & date it. Then you can choose to be lenient on how hard the deadline for his last day is, even if it's a week or two into March you've got something signed saying he would be out by the end of Feb, so you're within your rights to change locks, kick him out, etc.