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Baby Showers
LtlAngL
member
Throwing your own shower?
LtlAngL
member
in Baby Showers
So, initially, my SIL offered to throw a baby shower for me, but she has 8 month old twins and backed out because she has too much on her plate already. Then a friend of mine took over and also realized she couldn't do it because of long hours at work.
I'm an only child and my mother really "isn't into these things." When DH and I got married, she was happy to show up, but didn't want anything to do with planning or picking out wedding dresses, and is now the same way with a shower - she'll happily show up, but doesn't want to plan anything. I have one female cousin in this country who is 23, and would be willing to help, but has never thrown a shower and would need some guidance. I'm not really close to her mom, so I'm not expecting my aunt to offer.
DH knows it is bothering me and offered to organize a shower, but I think that's really tacky because technically, the gifts are for him as well.
It would be a financial difficulty for us to just buy all the baby stuff by ourselves, but we could slowly just get most of the stuff we need on our own.
What do you girls think? Should I let DH throw the party? Help my cousin do it (this way, at least her name would be on the invitations so it's not obvious that we are involved?) Or just hang out and see if anyone else offers to throw one?
TIA for your advice.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Throwing your own shower?
I would not throw your own or have DH throw one. You are right, it is incorrect for you or DH to throw your own party asking for gifts.
I would say, unless someone (who will actually do it) offers to throw the shower, then you shouldn't have one.
I am sorry that you don't have enough money to buy the needed items for your baby. I would look into local charities and see if you can get some items there. I would also look into buying some items (clothes) used at a consignment shop (or thrift store).
Babies to not need a lot of the "extras" that people end up with. Stick to the basics. I have heard "Baby Bargains" is a good book. Maybe you can find it at a local library (so you don't have to buy it).
Good luck to you.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Expecting Baby Bean February 2017
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
I agree you or your husband should not throw your own shower. If your cousin truly wants to throw one and is willing to pay for it (not you) then maybe you could give her some guidance. She could certainly get books at the library or if she has access to a computer there are a lot of ideas via google. A shower can be as simple as punch and cake and a few decorations. As long as there is seating and something for people to do. If they all know each other they will most likely just talk or she could have them play some simple games (also via google).
You can find a lot of gently used items for baby by going to Mom's To Mom's sales and also the Salvation Army. I had 3 showers and still shopped at these places. Good luck.
Yep! Also, if money is tight, check out craigslist or garage sales for any of the things you may truly need.
You're right, it's tacky to do it. Him throwing it for you is the same as you throwing it. It's a bummer that you probably won't get a shower, if your cousin doesn't go through with it, but so be it.
There are a ton of good bargains out there--Craigslist, local resale places, etc.--that can help you get the necessities. Better to spend your money on the things you need than decorations and food for a shower.
Also, people who want to get you gifts, will get you gifts, shower or no. I had a shower for my first and also got gifts from others I never expected, so you may be pleasantly surprised at what people will give you even without a shower.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yeah, I don't get this.
A baby shower isn't a rite. And it's your responsibility to buy stuff for your own kid. If no one offers, you don't get one. Sorry.
Very easy - we're not poor, we just can't go to BRU and drop 2K on cribs and travel systems, car seats, etc all in one shot. We can easily get one "big ticket item" every 2 weeks when we get our paychecks, (obviously it will be easier getting certain things from a thrift shop, as pp's mentioned - like a baby bjorn, bouncer - since you don't use them for very long) and diapers/wipes really aren't an issue. I guess I worded the statement wrong.
Has your cousin expressed any interest in throwing the shower? If she's willing and able, then by all means go ahead and give her some guidance, but paying for it yourself is pointless. Like PP said, the money that you would spend throwing your own shower could be used instead to buy stuff for your baby, and not being able to buy all the bells and whistles doesn't make throwing your own shower any less tacky. You got pregnant, so it is your responsibility to provide for your child. I know that it's a little disappointing not getting a shower, but such is life.
I've bought quite a few things on CL and on sale, so check that out. Also, I would steer clear of BRU in general if you are on a budget because you can find just about everything they have cheaper somewhere else.
ETA: You also don't need to have everything before the baby gets here. Initially all the baby needs are diapers/clothes, a place to sleep, and a food source (breast milk or formula). Everything else can wait and be acquired slowly when you have the money.
Most normal people can't go to BRU and just drop 2k. But that's whats great about pregnancy - you have NINE months to compile everything you need. NINE months.
So, really, this argument makes even less sense and makes you seem more greedy.
YOUR choice to have a kid = YOUR responsibility. A shower is a gift that not every woman gets.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That's fine with me. I really wanted to show my DH that it's a bad idea to throw our own shower, and the angrier you get, the more he sees my point - he didn't believe me because my SIL (the one with the twins) and her DH threw their own shower, and when she told us that she couldn't help with ours, she suggested the same thing for us. In all honesty, I didn't even figure this out until DH told me and I looked back at her invitation and realized her DH was the person to RSVP to. At the time, I just texted him to let him know we were coming and didn't think twice about it.
My cousin is interested in doing it, but doesn't know how - luckily, her 23 year old friends don't have any children for her to have acquired this experience! The friend that was going to throw it originally said that she could help, but doesn't have time to plan the whole thing, so she could probably be assigned a task like coming up with games or making invitations. One of my bridesmaids also said she can make decorations or bake a cake or something, but can't plan the whole thing. I just don't feel right telling my cousin specific instructions on who to ask to do what - don't most people have no involvement in their showers anyway??
A shower doesn't have to be expensive. My SIL's shower was in a VFW, and all the relatives brought trays of food for everyone. My DH is a firefighter, and can get permission to let my cousin use the firehouse for free to throw a party if she wants...but again, I don't feel right being so involved
I'm lucky, I have three sisters who all planned and pitched in and threw a lovely small shower at my mother's house. Then my MIL threw me another huge shower after baby was born foe her friends and family who couldn't make it to the first one.
And no, you don't get a bunch of big ticket items (though my grandparents bought a gorgeous crib and DH's parents bought a matching glider) but it's nice! Shower games are fun and celebrating new life is lovely.
For someone who has never thrown a shower before, it IS a lot of responsibility. There are games to plan and food to order/make and decorations. And there is nothing wrong with giving your cousin contact info for your sister-in-law and friend so they can help her. It is a lot of responsibility for one person, so let them do it together. And if they need help? There's nothing wrong with asking DH. It's 2013.
You all have your panties in a bunch and it's not your shower or your place to say what's not okay. Showers aren't about asking for gifts. But babies go through a lot of clothes and they need a lot of diapers, and it's nice to receive those things.
So, OP, if you want a shower, it doesn't matter what these people say. Have one! You're not inviting us, anyway. My sister moved to Sweden with her boyfriend (he's Swedish) and her two kids. They came home for Christmas and she hinted to me that she would like a shower! "Proper etiquette" is that you only receive one shower, but her last baby was born 9 years ago, she doesn't have any baby stuff, and she's living thousands of miles from her family.
Sometimes, you throw "traditional" out the window and go for "nontraditional," it's more fun that way
A-men to that.
I don't know why some women think they're entitled to showers. Not everyone has them. If no one offers and actually follows through with it you just don't get a shower, you certainly don't host one for yourself. Save the money and buy your own stuff. If people want to buy things for you on thier own, they will.
This. 100%
Married: October 23, 2010
DS: 8/7/2013
#2 EDD: 6/29/2016, C Section: 6/22/2016
Shower are actually exactly about asking for gifts. They are parties intended to shower a new mother-to-be with gifts. That's it. It is a parent's responsibility to buy every last thing their child needs. Not anyone else's.
Oh dear Lord...
Let's start with the obvious: she asked for our opinions and we gave them, so it is in fact our place to say that it is inappropriate to throw your own shower. Next, showers are ALL about gifts. It is a gift giving event, so that is the point. Lastly, of course diapers are expensive. That's why responsible people make sure that they can afford children before they have them.
My advice: Don't throw your own shower and don't try and cobble together friends who will throw one for you by committee with your oversight. All of that sounds tacky and stressful.
For baby things: Set a budget and start to save money each month. Buy things at garage sales and CL and on sale. You wouldn't get big ticket items at a shower anyway. Besides, if you can't set aside a few bucks each month for baby supplies, how are you going to afford child care? Child care is the cost that freaks me out the most! Not all the baby stuff.
ETA: And do not ask people (even relatives) to bring food. That is the height of tacky to me...bring me a present and something for everyone to eat! Ugh.
So...do that? What's the obsession with buying it all at once?
Your cousin being 23 has nothing to do with this. I am 23 and even though I have never thrown a baby shower I could easily plan one. Tell her to go online and research or heck just read these boards!
If OP wants a shower just for the gifts, then no, she shouldn't just throw herself a shower and yes, that is tacky, and most people will buy her gifts when baby is born anyway.
But so many people are throwing "tradition" out the window with co-ed showers or "showers" after baby is born. I was on bedrest with a high-risk pregnancy and wasn't expecting to get a shower and I wasn't overly disappointed. But looking back, it would have been awful to miss that. Having a gathering with the people you love who want to celebrate with you. It doesn't have to be so materialistic.
As for affording the "big ticket" items:
We got our gorgeous crib from Target for $250 (same crib was at Babies R Us for $400... talk about a steal!) The mattress was $90 on sale. The glider and automan are also from Target from the same set, they were $200 for both. You can bypass a changing table. We did mostly because we didn't have room what with the shelves and everything else in the nursery.
You need a carseat, this is anywhere between $100 and $250. You can wait on the high chair, pack n play, anything else you deem necessary.
My point is, you don't have to drop 2k on everything right now. And no one should buy you those big items anyway, I think it's very rare that that happens.
You have 9 months to prepare for baby. One month buy the crib, next month buy the rocker, month after that buy little things you want for your nursery: rug, wall decor, sheets.
Month after that, buy the carseat. You can spread it all out over 4 or 5 months, put your limit at 200-300 a month, cut back on eating out or shopping for yourself, and just replace that money with baby expenses.
Budgetting is something you will have to learn to do for the next 18+ years. Daycares aren't cheap. College is not inexpensive. Start saving now.
Didn't I say my sisters threw me a shower? And my MIL threw me another one? And being on bedrest with a high-risk pregnancy for 7 months, I was surprised I even got a shower much less "demanded" a lot from my hostesses. What do they say about assuming making asses?
I read this and i got a bit disappointed. i'm part of a very large hispanic family and we always help in planning our baby showers. For us it isnt about gifts but celebrating the coming of a new member to the family. If you receive gifts thats fantastic but in reality its all about getting together and having an excuse to throw a party and enjoy eachothers company. All the women cook and decorate and all the men laugh and talk about how if your having a boy if he is "equipt" like his father ( dont ask old cubans are quite strange sometimes).
For our first child my DH and i were offered to have the party thrown by my SIL who asked my mother for help (trying to unite the families as we are still newlywed and only been together on a whole for about a year) sadly neither one are "made of money" but the three of us together love to be crafty so we are using the babyshower to really get to know eachother and become closer as a family. so as you can see.. not all showers are about gifts.. they are about the baby and bringing people together. even if the biggest gift you get is an IOU for babysitting.. atleast they care enough to be there for you and celebrate the beautiful life you bring.