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Stay at Home Moms
KatFCo
member
Anyone else resent their DH?
KatFCo
member
The bump ate my first post, so if this is repeated, I'll try to delete one.
I'm really starting to resent DH for getting to go to work sometimes. I love being home with DS, especially since once I start working I won't get this one-on-one baby time.
The problem is, every Monday and Tuesday, DH has to get up at 4 to be at work by 6, so he goes to bed at 9 and we agreed I would be on sole baby duty those nights. DS has only slept through the night 2 weeks since he was born, so it's getting pretty tiring to get up with him sometimes 3 times, especially since it sometimes takes an hour to get him back to sleep (we're working on that one).
Other nights, DH will get up with him once, but I'm getting really tired of me getting 6 hours of broken sleep so DH can get his precious 7. Sometimes I'll ask him to get up half an hour early to get DS back to sleep, but that just ends up with him waking me up when it's time to get ready, saying, "I don't know what to do. He's just sitting there staring at me. He won't go to sleep."
Anyone else resent their DH sometimes for getting out of 24-hour baby duty?
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Re: Anyone else resent their DH?
When DS was a baby, he slept in 45-90 minute increments. His last feeding was usually around 3:30 or 4:00 am and then he would sleep until 6:00. DH worked nights and got home around 3 am. But since I breastfed anyway, there was really no point in asking him to get up after having just fallen asleep when he couldn't even feed the baby.
The part that I found hard, was that because he got home so early in the morning, he would sleep until about noon. Then he had to start getting ready for work at 2:00 in order to leave the house by 2:30 to be at work at 3 pm.
I felt like it was all me all the time. I also struggled with PPD and I'm 100% sure that played into it. But when I really looked at it, I felt like I couldn't ask him to work those crazy hours on very little sleep in order to get up and help with the baby.
I know he works hard, and I appreciate how hard he works. I do take those rest times, but then I feel guilty when DH asks what I got done that day and I have to admit I was too tired/DS was too fussy to let me get much done at all.
He does let me sleep in as much as I can (which isn't much because my body is trained to wake up every time DS makes a noise) on Saturdays, but then he insists he needs a nap too, since he "got up with both kids so early."
It doesn't sound like this arrangement is working for you so it's time to change it.
If you do Mon and Tuesday nights can he take Wednesday and Thursday nights solo?
Could you do shifts? I could always crash early when I'm exhausted, so I'd sleep 8-12p while DH took LO. Then I'd take over for the rest of the night but at minimum I'd get a solid 4 hours of sleep (usually I'd get 6 since LO usually stirred around 2ish).
And he needs a few nights to learn how to get your son back to sleep. Maybe then he'd realize how unfair it is that you have to do all the night wakings.
i could see doing an extra middle of night feed on the night he has to get up early but thats about it!
i think a talk is in order!
The first year of DS life, I was a walking zombie. Since I was BF, I basically had to be the one to get up with him at first, and then DS wouldn't go back to bed if I wasn't the one to tend to him (he would scream bloody murder, which meant that I wouldn't get sleep either way, so I just did it).
DS is now almost 2, and STILL doesn't STTN, but over the past few months, he has let DH do more of the nighttime stuff, and now we switch off nights. If he wakes up crying 1+ time on Sunday night it may be my turn to deal with it. Then if he STTN on Monday, but wakes up Tuesday, it's DH's turn, no matter what his schedule is for the next day.
I have always been the kind of person to say (nicely) what DH needs to get done (whether it be to run a load of dishes while I am putting the kids to sleep or grab a diaper in the middle of the night). He understands that I can't do it all, and he knows how horrible it is for all of us when I try to - I get passive aggressive and a perennially bad mood that is worst than a bit of sleep deprivation on his part.
My Ovulation Chart
Thanks everyone.
When DH got home tonight he knew I'd had a bad day so I took a nap, and he let me sleep an extra half hour. He's also agreed to take DS by himself Friday night. To his credit, he does do a lot around the house, especially on the weekends.
Part of my mood may be hormones--I'm weaning myself off the pump, so not only am I bothered by that but I think the hormones are just regulating themselves. Everything seems worse when hormones join the party.
My Ovulation Chart
Sometimes I resent the fact that he can just leave and run errands whenever without having to take the kids.
I have resented that I have been the one to get up with both children every single night. He has never, not once gotten up.. but that's not really his fault. My breasts don't respond well to the pump, so neither one of my kids have had bottles. That means that until they wean(ed), it's all me 100%.
I have resented when he complains about being tired.
I have resented that when he's sick, he can go lay down with no concern about the kids.
However, my resentment doesn't last long when I put myself in his shoes a little.
DH wakes at 2:45am every day to be at work by 4.
He works a physical job even though he has a chronic, debilitating disease that causes him constant pain.
He is also in school full-time for engineering. His classes are no joke.
And yet he manages to be a very involved father who will put his homework down in order to play tea party with our daughter or read her a book.
I quit resenting the very minute I realize that I have it pretty darn good.
I do agree with the PP's, though. If your husband can help more and he's not, then you need to have a heart-to-heart. If he honestly can't help any more than he already is, then I guess you need to find a different solution, whether it be sleep-training or just learning to deal with it.
Good luck and just know that some of us understand your frustration. It's human.
i agree with this. I would never expect DH to get up in the night with the baby. I breast feed anyways. My DH works crazy long hours and brings home the bacon. I did 100 percent of night time with LO's while they are babies. Also, if my baby is awake I couldn't sleep through that anyways. DH does help with bathing and child care but the bulk of that stuff is on me but I feel like that's my job as a mommy and I love it.
I think a lot of people feel resentment without meaning to. It's really easy to feel frustrated when you wake in the middle of the night for the 5th time and you look over at your peacefully sleeping hubby. LOGICALLY you know that it's easier for you to steal a catnap during the day while the kids nap or whatever... but in the middle of the night you're not always thinking logically or reasonably.
Oh, and you're not the only one who responded similarly. If you read my original post, I said that I resent him for A, B, and C, but at the end, I said when I take a step back and really think about it, I realize that I have it very good.. much better than my husband does.
This is pretty much how I was feeling.
I do believe both spouses should share childcare duties when they're able. Now, if my DH was a doctor or something and had to be up long hours for his job or was working a second job (like he's been thinking about getting), I wouldn't even think about complaining. As it is, this happens usually only twice a week, but I do sometimes question whether or not it's fair for me to routinely miss out on much-needed sleep just so DH can get more.
It might be bettre if I was able to nap, but DS rarely takes good naps and when he does, those are times I need to be writing.
I feel much better today. It's not like I constantly sit around mad ad DH; it's more like an occasional annoyance. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
Thanks everyone!
So everyone needs 8 hours of sleep every night to get a job done? I suppose if your DH is a surgeon and has people's lives in his hands all day I'd agree with your sentiment. A SAHM needs sleep too though. I need to travel with my children and not crash into a tree while I'm driving them somewhere. My need for sleep is equally as important as my husband's. My DH was deployed in iraq and sometimes didn't sleep for days. He is ok with functioning on broken sleep and still having the ability to work. He didn't need to get 8 hours of sleep 7 days a week to be a productive employee. He also functions better on little sleep than I do. I have a tough time so he's always helped out.
I worked full time during my first pregnancy where I suffered from terrible insomnia. I managed to effectively do my job on little sleep--much less sleep than a man would get who did a wakeup or two a night to help out his wife. I think most jobs you can manage to do and get up once or twice a night when your kid is up every 2 hours to help out your spouse. I think it's incredibly selfish if a DH doesn't volunteer to help when his spouse is struggling (again, with the exception of something like a surgeon where he needs to intensely focus to save people's lives).
I'm not saying they can't perform at all, but I think people definitely perform better on 8 hours of sleep. Obviously when both parents work, someone is going into work tired on any given day and most manage to function, but when one parent is staying home, I just don't understand why you would do that to the working spouse? Weekends, sure, but not during the week.
Granted, my DH is a doctor and could easily kill someone if he gets distracted, so that probably colors my opinion a bit, but I think I'd feel the same if he had a desk job. I think if you bear sole responsibility for the financial stability of your family, you get a pass when it comes to night wakings. Like I said, I'm probably in the minority.