Getting very frustrated with FI

Roxycc55 · January 2013

For anyone that doesn't remember, we decided right after our loss to TTA until our wedding. Which ends up being over a year long. It's already been killing me.

While I was pg, we decided we would wait to have our second child until they were five years apart. So, I assumed that was going to be the plan this time as well.

One night FI got snappy and said something along the lines of 'you decided all our plans.' And proceeded to say I decided we were trying again right after we got married, and decided we were Waiting five years between. I rationally asked what he wanted to do and we came to the decision that we would still try right away, but have kids three years apart [or try for that], instead. Fine. Fair.

Now, last night he tells me he doesn't want to do all the charting stuff right away. He wants to NTNP for a couple months after the wedding and then start charting. He feels 'it would be a lot of stress right away.' Well, I'm pissed off. I already am dying waiting this long. I was going to start charting three months before the wedding to get all practiced and prepared. Obviously we need to be on the same page to try again. But I'm so annoyed. And I feel like he keeps changing plans on me. I almost want to just chart and not tell him. Bad idea right?

So frustrated.

SaranJonathan · January 2013

I have never discussed charting with my DH. I just do it. I am not sure why it would bother your SO one way or the other. Maybe discuss it with him. As for not telling him I don't even know how that would work since u temp before u get out of bed...

good luck

hollandpandas · January 2013

Chart without him knowing!! He doesn't need to know about that anyway. It might stress him out to see charts and temps and everything but it can be reassuring and helpful to you.

km_md · January 2013

I'm sorry Roxy ((hugs)) That must be really frustrating. I'm in the camp that thinks that it's okay to chart and not fully disclose it to DH. They seem to really feel the pressure of charting and a lot of men can't handle it. (In reality, a lot of women probably can't handle it either) You could at least check your CM and CP to get an idea of what is happening, even if you can't temp right away. I know that isn't as accurate, but it might help you to feel like you are being proactive about it.

ashx3renee · January 2013

I would just chart if that's what you want to do. There's no stress on him if you're charting... when you're ovulating, instead of telling him that you are, just seduce him

Chester84 · January 2013

hollandpandas:
Chart without him knowing!! He doesn't need to know about that anyway. It might stress him out to see charts and temps and everything but it can be reassuring and helpful to you.

This

jenohouston · January 2013

km_md:
I'm sorry Roxy ((hugs)) That must be really frustrating. I'm in the camp that thinks that it's okay to chart and not fully disclose it to DH. They seem to really feel the pressure of charting and a lot of men can't handle it. (In reality, a lot of women probably can't handle it either) You could at least check your CM and CP to get an idea of what is happening, even if you can't temp right away. I know that isn't as accurate, but it might help you to feel like you are being proactive about it.

I agree. The only thing DH knows is when I enter the FW, that is what we sort of agreed on. All the other stuff stresses him out. GL!

ellajune2012 · January 2013

jenohouston:
km_md:
I'm sorry Roxy ((hugs)) That must be really frustrating. I'm in the camp that thinks that it's okay to chart and not fully disclose it to DH. They seem to really feel the pressure of charting and a lot of men can't handle it. (In reality, a lot of women probably can't handle it either) You could at least check your CM and CP to get an idea of what is happening, even if you can't temp right away. I know that isn't as accurate, but it might help you to feel like you are being proactive about it.

I agree. The only thing DH knows is when I enter the FW, that is what we sort of agreed on. All the other stuff stresses him out. GL!

That's the only thing DH is concerned with too. All he wants to know is whether it's time to BD.

LunaBug924 · January 2013

I'm sorry you're frustrated, but I totally understand. DH and I went through this too when we first got married. I wanted to start trying on our honeymoon, he wanted to wait a full year. I felt like HE was making all these decisions, and I had no choice but to wait. So we talked, and somehow I got him to agree to somewhere in the middle. Now of course it's hard not to be angry at the fact that we've been married almost a year and a half, and aren't even close to having a baby.

As far as the charting goes, I understand why he thinks it would less stressful. Truthfully, I think charting is very stressful for the guys, because I think they feel pressure to perform. On the other hand, for me it reduces stress, because it elminates a lot of guess work. I'm sure you feel the same. I don't know how you'd pull it off without him noticing, but if you're seriously thinking about charting and jeeping it a secret, I say "no harm, no foul". But that's up to you.

In the end, I hope you can both come to an agreement on how to proceed after the wedding. I know it feels like a long way away, but try to enjoy that process. You'll never get this time back, and you don't want to spend it all being upset and stressed about TTC. Easier said than done, I know. Big ((hugs)) Roxy!

QuigleyCat1 · January 2013

I feel like charting/temping is something we do to ourselves, not our DH/FI/SO. I think if you want to temp everyday then you should. That said, it would be really hard to temp next to DH in bed beside me without him knowing. My thermometer beeps. I'm not sure how taking your temp would bother him though. Maybe he's a little more stressed than he's letting on? It's so hard to read guys sometimes! Hope you can either come to a compromise or able to temp without him waking up and knowing. (((hugs)))

linzeeh80 · January 2013

Roxy, I'm so sorry you two are on different pages with this, it must be so frustrating. IMO, charting behind his back is going to be difficult if you are going to temp. It will be kinda hard to set your alarm and take your temp with him lying next to you, ykwim? If you are just going to check cm, cp and, opt then you could probably get away with it, but still it's probably a bad idea. I hope you are able to come to an agreement that is fair for both of you. Big (((hugs)))

buggirl72 · January 2013

I would continue to chart for the sole reason that it allows you to see what is going on with your body. Since you FI wants to NTNP, I would discuss with him that you want to continue charting just to make sure your body is working the way it is supposed to. You can do both (charting and NTNP).

It sounds like your FI does not want the stress of TTC. Don't tell him when you are ovulating, do not stress about having sex on certain days or for so many days during your fertility week. I would also let him know that you would like to continue charting - you don't want to start your marriage by hiding stuff - but listen to his objections if he has any. You can come up with a compromise.

When MH and I decided to TTC, MH was more on the NTNP mind-set. I'm 40. That was not an option. I need to maximize our odds. So I started charting but didn't make a big deal about it. I seduce him more (especially if I get a +OPK) but I try to put zero pressure on him. He did not want to have our love life changed into "work". I get that.

jenn0021 · January 2013

I'm really sorry that you guys aren't seeing eye to eye on this. It must be frustrating.

That being said, I really don't think it's a good idea to chart behind his back. Starting off your marriage by lying about something that is a pretty big deal doesn't sound like a very good idea to me. Especially since you've already talked about it and he already told you he didn't want to chart. You should respect that. He's not asking you to never chart, he's just asking for a couple months without it. Maybe your FI just wants to have a couple months of that special newlywed time without all the angst and ups and downs of TTC.

That's just my $0.02. Take it or leave it.

mayonegg · January 2013

km_md:
I'm sorry Roxy ((hugs)) That must be really frustrating. I'm in the camp that thinks that it's okay to chart and not fully disclose it to DH. They seem to really feel the pressure of charting and a lot of men can't handle it. (In reality, a lot of women probably can't handle it either) You could at least check your CM and CP to get an idea of what is happening, even if you can't temp right away. I know that isn't as accurate, but it might help you to feel like you are being proactive about it.

We are TTA until *hopefully* spring. DH wanted me to stop charting altogether, then said well, if we don't get pg after a couple months, then you can chart. So I am in the same boat as you are. We argued a bit and as you can see, I'm still charting. I tried to NOT chart, but I'm about to turn 33 and I want to know my cycle, especially since we hope to have 2-3, and I know that in my family women start menopause at 42-43. I'm already glad that I have continued, if I would have stopped I would have thought that my O days was day 16, because my first 2 cycles of charting were both 16, but this cycle was day 19. It helps me for TTA too, because I can avoid the FW and since he doesn't like using protection it was either chart or avoid altogether. < This is what changed his mind. So as a result, I chart, but tell him nothing about it. This has been ok.

I'm sorry that you and your FI are having a hard time agreeing on what to do - I'm right there with you. If I had my way we wouldn't be TTA at all, but I know what you mean about being in agreement, especially about something like this. I hope you can come to an agreement that you are both happy with.

(((hugs)))

Roxycc55 · January 2013

Thank you all for your input and feedback on this.

I think we will have to discuss it again because I just agreed out of annoyance last night. I get the whole 'enjoy marriage for a little while' thing. Except that we've lived together for two years. The only thing that will change is my last name. And the whole point was to have our last year before we tried and have fun blah blah before our wedding. So I don't agree with that.

I just can't imagine postponing a baby any further. I was ready for one a month ago in my arms. Now it's like more and more months pushed back. Every month I'm not at least trying for another baby is hard for me. I'm going to need to readdress this with him, at least to put my frustrations on the table. I won't chart behind his back [though maybe him knowing but not knowing details will be the best option]. We will see.

Thank you all for understanding my frustration and giving me good feedback.

ZAngel · January 2013

I know first hand how much it sucks when DH isn't on the same page as you are. I understand the frustrations. Just be honest and open with him. Hopefully he will come around and understand what you are going through. I hope the two of you can agree on the steps to take after getting married. GL! ((HUGS))

JiffyJiffy · January 2013

DH and I both decided we would wait to ttc until we had our Bachelor's, which is in May. We agreed to that in 2007 when we got married. Here we are today, 7 months since we decided to ttc, and we definitely did not anticipate what has happened. We agreed to everything together, as a team. I would not suggest doing something behind his back. I know I would not feel right about that. That is just my opinion.
Enjoy each other for now, until he is as ready as you for all of this ttc stress. If it happens, then hey, great. But he really needs to be completely in board with you.

Jennifer271012 · January 2013

Maybe, just maybe, the issue is that knowing about the chart is what stresses him out.

I would talk to him and ask him how he'd feel if you continued to chart but didn't necessarily discuss the details of what's going on with it. This way, he doesn't have to feel the pressure and you still get to keep an eye on what's going on.

I personally wouldn't chart without DH knowing, I think it's such an investment of time and energy that it's important to be honest about it. However, if my DH ever told me he felt pressured by the chart - I would just keep all the chart talk from him. Sometimes, the less they know the better.

Amores0121 · January 2013

buggirl72:

I would continue to chart for the sole reason that it allows you to see what is going on with your body. Since you FI wants to NTNP, I would discuss with him that you want to continue charting just to make sure your body is working the way it is supposed to. You can do both (charting and NTNP).

It sounds like your FI does not want the stress of TTC. Don't tell him when you are ovulating, do not stress about having sex on certain days or for so many days during your fertility week. I would also let him know that you would like to continue charting - you don't want to start your marriage by hiding stuff - but listen to his objections if he has any. You can come up with a compromise.

When MH and I decided to TTC, MH was more on the NTNP mind-set. I'm 40. That was not an option. I need to maximize our odds. So I started charting but didn't make a big deal about it. I seduce him more (especially if I get a +OPK) but I try to put zero pressure on him. He did not want to have our love life changed into "work". I get that.

This. There is no reason you can't chart while you NTNP....I was doing it and now I'm TTA and still doing it...I think you should continue with it if you really want to.

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