Second child guilt...

duffmaker · January 2013

I guess I need some reassurance maybe? This is probably not even 2u2 specific but maybe it's hitting harder because M is still so little?

Anyway, every now and again (even when we talked about TTC) I'd get a little pang of guilt and last night it hit me like a semi. M was having an awful time sleeping so I was in our room, leaning up against her crib, rubbing her back (she's a tummy sleeper) and singing to her and I just randomly started tearing up! Then (yay!) I felt baby for the first time (or what I feel confident calling the first time)... little nudges right where the crib railing was pushing into my abdomen. Well then I just fell apart, I feel so awful, like I'm robbing M of something special, scared that I won't be able to spend any time with just her anymore, that she'll feel replaced and lost, she won't just be "mommy's little girl" anymore... she'll possibly be ONE of "mommy's little girlS" (not sure what we're having yet). Either way she won't be our baby anymore and that's really killing me. I'm terrified that by having another before she's two, I'll miss important milestones of hers (or rather be too distracted to appreciate them). I'm just a mess right now... probably from the wonderful hormones... I'm guessing it's normal to feel this way but is it really? How did you get passed it? Did it ever just go away?

ETA: I'm a SAHM too if that matters, so M is literally my main focus 24/7.

memali26 · January 2013

It's normal, and I would bet almost every mom feels that was when #2 or more is on the way, regardless of how far apart their kids are. I think there is so much pressure, real or perceived, on us today to be "perfect moms" that we fear we can't give more than one child what they need, but I've absolutely not found that to be true.

My girls are 19 months apart and I was afraid for a while we had made the wrong decision having another so soon, but those fears were completely unfounded for us. I really and truly think the girls are the best gifts we could have given each of them. They adore each other and it is amazing watching them together. I don't think either of them are suffering from not being the only focus of my attention, and I have yet to feel I've missed out on any milestones for either of them. They are both "mommy's little girls" and I think that having two of them makes me realize and appreciate even more so just how special they each are.

laura1 · January 2013

Totally normal. I felt that way before #2, and again before #3. But my DS and DD are best friends, and they also love the new baby. For my DS and DD, being so close in age has been wonderful, especially as DD has gotten older. They go to school together, and whenever they are in new situations, they usually go together and that makes them more comfortable. Just today, we were talking about DS going to Kindergarten and riding the school bus - he was all nervous about going by himself without DD. I had to stop the conversation since it is a year and a half away! Your DD will be so happy to have a sibling close in age, and will always be your first little girl, even if you have more than one!

FYI, I found a book for my kids called "You are all my favorites" - by the same author as "Guess How Much I love you." Made me want to cry reading it! The kids like it, too Smile

jf198400 · January 2013

I never felt this way so I can't really relate. But what I can tell you is that you are giving your child the biggest gift of their life- the gift of a sibling. My 2 are 18months apart, and are best friends. They love each other so much and are always playing together and giving each other hugs and kisses. My oldest is a girl too, and she is very protective of her brother.

btsrc5 · January 2013

I briefly responded on our BMB to your post... I am struggling with this as well.

I wanted to share something with you that another bumpie posted on my first BMB a while ago.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how can I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't" knowing in fact that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him - as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we once shared, just we two. There are new times - only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to relize that I haven't taken something from you - I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to openly show my love to both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as I have loved you - only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you - you each have your own supply.

I love you - both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. - Author unknown

Court0026 · January 2013

laura1:
Totally normal. I felt that way before #2, and again before #3. But my DS and DD are best friends, and they also love the new baby. For my DS and DD, being so close in age has been wonderful, especially as DD has gotten older. They go to school together, and whenever they are in new situations, they usually go together and that makes them more comfortable. Just today, we were talking about DS going to Kindergarten and riding the school bus - he was all nervous about going by himself without DD. I had to stop the conversation since it is a year and a half away! Your DD will be so happy to have a sibling close in age, and will always be your first little girl, even if you have more than one!
FYI, I found a book for my kids called "You are all my favorites" - by the same author as "Guess How Much I love you." Made me want to cry reading it! The kids like it, too []
That sounds like a great book. Thanks for the rec!

Court0026 · January 2013

I didn't have a ton of guilt. DS was so young when she was born that it wasn't until she was 6 months or so that he seemed to really MIND having her around. Now they would be lost without each other. I do think if we had a 3rd, I would have a ton of guilt. I go back and forth about wanting 1 more, but now that the kids are older, I just see DD as my baby and I feel differently about it. Maybe because I definitely wanted 2 so that was a given. Either way, you will make peace with it and they will love having a sibling!

duffmaker · January 2013

btsrc5:
I briefly responded on our BMB to your post... I am struggling with this as well.

I wanted to share something with you that another bumpie posted on my first BMB a while ago.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how can I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't" knowing in fact that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him - as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we once shared, just we two. There are new times - only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to relize that I haven't taken something from you - I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to openly show my love to both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as I have loved you - only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you - you each have your own supply.

I love you - both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. - Author unknown

This just made me bawl my eyes out, I'll be saving this thank you btsrc5

duffmaker · January 2013

Thank you everyone, I guess it isn't really something I will get over until we are fully settled into our new rolls as big sis, little one and mom of 2.

I try to focus on the fact that M will be a wonderful big sis and have a friend for life and our family will be full and complete. After someone related how she was feeling to one of grief for losing that special relationship between her and her daughter it clicked that that is exactly how I am feeling. More grief then guilt, I think.

ChristyML · January 2013

clizh:
btsrc5:
I briefly responded on our BMB to your post... I am struggling with this as well.

I wanted to share something with you that another bumpie posted on my first BMB a while ago.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how can I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't" knowing in fact that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him - as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we once shared, just we two. There are new times - only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to relize that I haven't taken something from you - I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to openly show my love to both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as I have loved you - only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you - you each have your own supply.

I love you - both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. - Author unknown
This just made me bawl my eyes out, I'll be saving this thank you btsrc5

I bawled too.

btsrc5 · January 2013

ChristyML:
clizh:
This just made me bawl my eyes out, I'll be saving this thank you btsrc5
I bawled too.

I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME I read it. But it makes me feel better... I hope it does you guys too

germswif E · January 2013

btsrc5:
I briefly responded on our BMB to your post... I am struggling with this as well.

I wanted to share something with you that another bumpie posted on my first BMB a while ago.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how can I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't" knowing in fact that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him - as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we once shared, just we two. There are new times - only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to relize that I haven't taken something from you - I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to openly show my love to both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as I have loved you - only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you - you each have your own supply.

I love you - both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. - Author unknown

I can't stop crying, thank you so much for sharing.

btsrc5 · January 2013

germswif E:
I can't stop crying, thank you so much for sharing.

You are very welcome

MsNessa · January 2013

Mine aren't quite 2u2, but I also felt some guilt before DD2 was born. Unfortunately I felt even more after she was born. The first 4 or 5 months were hard with two. DD#1 had problems adjusting and was hitting DD2, among other things. I felt very guilty. Not just that I was missing time with #1, but also that I couldn't spend the time and have the relationship with #2 that I did with #1.

Those feelings added to being exhausted and overwhelmed some days, I ended up seeing a therapist about it. BEST decision I made regarding the feelings. It helped me immensely and I wish I'd started going sooner.

Things are so much easier now and the girls are wonderful together, I'm glad they are close in age. Not saying everyone will need therapy to help adjust, but it really helped me. Also with not feeling guilty about making time for myself.

lindsay.lou · January 2013

Totally normal. I was sobbing on the way to the hospital to deliver DS2 bc my water broke at work and I went straight to the hospital. DS1 stayed at daycare. I was so sad bc I felt like I didn't giving him a proper goodbye that morning because I thought I'd see him that afternoon. Also, it made me sad that I didn't realize or know that morning had been our last morning with JUST him. It would never be that way again. I'm tearing up just typing this and remembering.

Oddly, though, now that he's here I feel MUCH more guilt that I'm neglecting DS2 because DS1 demands so much more attention and interaction.

JulyMomma2U2 · January 2013

btsrc5:
ChristyML:
clizh:
This just made me bawl my eyes out, I'll be saving this thank you btsrc5
I bawled too.
I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME I read it. But it makes me feel better... I hope it does you guys too

Yep.. got a cryer here, too I've struggled a LOT these past few weeks with the same thoughts as OP.. and, I was too afraid to really post about it because I didn't want anyone to tell me "I should have thought about that before getting pregnant".. Anyway.. this poem really hit home.. I say to DH all the time that I can't imagine how I will love the new baby nearly as much as I do DS.. I never imagined I could love anything the way I love DS.. the emotion I have for him is so much stronger than anything I've ever felt before.. sighhhh! Thank you so much for posting this -- I've sent it to my DH, too

ridesbuttons · January 2013

Guilt is the dirty little secret of parenthood. Very normal to feel what you are feeling right now.

jaymiegerard · January 2013

btsrc5:
I briefly responded on our BMB to your post... I am struggling with this as well.

I wanted to share something with you that another bumpie posted on my first BMB a while ago.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how can I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't" knowing in fact that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him - as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we once shared, just we two. There are new times - only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to relize that I haven't taken something from you - I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to openly show my love to both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as I have loved you - only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you - you each have your own supply.

I love you - both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. - Author unknown

CRYING MY EYES OUT... thanks for sharing this

MrsW80 · January 2013

Ive always loved that poem!

I had the same fears. Id cry myself to sleep, wondering what i had done and fearing it would never be the same. It just all works out and the only thing that will ease your mind is time. You will still have that magical relationship with your first, and your heart opens up to accept the second baby too. Its amazing!

Joyfullnoise · January 2013

Court0026:
laura1:
Totally normal.  I felt that way before #2, and again before #3.  But my DS and DD are best friends, and they also love the new baby.  For my DS and DD, being so close in age has been wonderful, especially as DD has gotten older.  They go to school together, and whenever they are in new situations, they usually go together and that makes them more comfortable.  Just today, we were talking about DS going to Kindergarten and riding the school bus - he was all nervous about going by himself without DD.  I had to stop the conversation since it is a year and a half away!  Your DD will be so happy to have a sibling close in age, and will always be your first little girl, even if you have more than one!
FYI, I found a book for my kids called "You are all my favorites" - by the same author as "Guess How Much I love you."  Made me want to cry reading it!  The kids like it, too []
That sounds like a great book.  Thanks for the rec!

I randomly picked this up at the library and cry wherever I read it.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · January 2013

OP, the guilt is totally normal.

For me, it reached a peak the night my water broke. I was getting ready to go to the hospital, and there was DD1, blissfully sleeping and completely unaware of the fact her world was about to change forever.

But then her sister was born. She came to visit us in the hospital. At first she didn't really know what to make of that little squealing bundle I was holding. She then started to poke and prod her (gently), and little sister caught her finger and started sucking on it. DD1 thought it was the bee's knees, and that was it. She had a little sister and the world just kept going.

I can honestly say I haven't felt second-child guilt once since then.

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