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Baby Showers
"Absentee" shower
I am a Air Force wife, with family all over the country and nowhere near my husband and I. Our closest family, his mom, is five hours away. The next nearest is the next state. I have work friends, but no close friends in state. Given all this, I had kind of resigned myself to fact that I would not be having a baby shower, but my mom suggested having an absentee shower at her house (800 miles away) with family and friends that are there, and sending invites out to pretty much everyone, friends and family all over. This had never crossed my mind, (I had never heard of an absentee shower) but the support of a baby registry and help with what we will need will be invaluable to our little military family. Has anyone been in a situation similar to mine? How did you go about it? How we're your invitations done? Any advice?
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Re: "Absentee" shower
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
I have never heard of this. And being in Charleston, I know LOTS of military families.
We are plane rides (with a layover) away from all of our family and I traveled to my showers.
Also, those who did not come or were not invited all sent things to DS after he was born.
I don't know whether to feel bad for you or laugh! To the original poster, I guess if your mom is going to do it, this is the best advice. The formal invites to "friends and family all over" (ones you know can't attend your mom's gathering) sounds kind of like a major gift grab.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That's just weird to me. If I got invited to that, I wouldn't go. I'm assuming all these people know you are pregnant? If so, they'll send you gifts if they want to.
Is there a reason you can't travel home for a shower?
ETA: after reading follow ups....if you can't afford to travel home for a shower I'd be more worried about supporting the baby after it's born than I would be about how to have a shower. Buy a car seat, crib, some clothes, some diapers and call it a day. Everything else is just extra and can wait until you really need it. You can also shop second hand.
I think you should go ahead and set up a registry and if anyone asks, you can let them know where you're registered. Them I would just send out birth announcements after baby arrived.
honestly, it sounds like a gift-grab. I wouldn't do it.
It sounds like you cannot afford the baby. I would look into some local charities and see if you can get assistance. Good luck to you.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Expecting Baby Bean February 2017
I've not been in your situation (although have family all over the map and only invited those within a 5 hour driving range) but have had friends who were in your situation (they didn't have showers). They still got tons of gifts sent to them though.
Is it possible for your mom and MIL to coordinate and have something at your MIL's. Your mom would only have a 300 mile drive then? You would have a 5 hour? 5 hours is not bad at all (I just did a 6 hour 1 way for a funeral this last week and was surprised how quickly the time went).
I agree with some of the others that an "absentee" shower is gift grabby. People WILL send you gifts without there being a shower.
I guess Skype could be an option, but for some reason when I read your post it sounded to me more like your mom wanted to have a party more so than she actually wanted to do something for you. Why can't your mom use the money that she would spend on her party to give to you, or to fly out and see you and help with the baby?
Please don't do this, its tacky. Think about it from your friends and families point of view. How would you feel being invited to a shower where the mother to be isn't going to be there?
It sounds really awkward to me, and what do you get someone that lives 800 miles away? Do you get them a gift card? Do you get them something off the registry and then mail it or have it delivered to a store near them? Then you don't even get to see the mother to be open the present. That is what I look forward to when I buy some one a gift.
The whole thing is tacky and awkward. Tell your mom thanks but no thanks.
It doesn't really matter if any of us have gone through with something like this...it matters what type of family and friends you have. Are they the type that will be mad and see it as gift grabby...or are they the type to support you in any way possible. I think this is what you need to base it on.
And as for the invitations...that is something for the host to worry about so it is up to her on how she will word it, The only thing you need to worry about is stocking up on thank you cards.
Great so now more family can spend more money and time hosting an awkward shower. Are all of these meeting locations supposed to have food and decorations and games and cake too? Or are they just gonna have chairs that are pointed toward a screen and camera?
Andplusalso - this goes back to another point. If people want to buy a gift, they don't need a shower to do so. They will buy a gift regardless.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I traveled to my shower too. My mom threw one for me and so DH and I used it as reason to visit for a little while. His side of the family didn't throw me a shower so I only had one, and I am okay with that.
All of this makes you sound a little gift grabby. If you have to be the center of attention then make the journey after your LO gets here and have a meet the baby party...oh but wait that kind of thing isn't a gift giving event so I guess that won't work for you.
Doesn't have to be anything over the top at all. This concepts works with close family and friends. I suggested that her mom could hold one, and her mother in law could hold one, so those closest could be involved. When my friend did it, yes, they had chairs gathered round, pointed at the screen that was projected on the wall and it was very interactive. Everyone got to see the mom to be open their gifts. Wasn't gift grabby at all. It was thoughtful, because due to circumstances everyone was able to enjoy time with her even though they weren't in the same room. No need to spend money on expensive food. Just make BBQ and bake a cake for the guests. IMO it's a cool way for mom to be to experience something she would otherwise have to miss out on.
Register somewhere and if people want to send stuff in the mail then they will.
If your mom wants to throw a party to celebrate having a grand kid then she should do it when the kid is here and you visit.
I'm sorry if I were invited to one of these I would decline. I would send a card, but that's it.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
If there is no celebration, no cake, no oohing and ahhing with the mom-to-be, then you are issuing a written invitation to give you gifts. Dear friends and family, there will be no party, but please do still give me presents. Not a great idea.
I do understand money being tight and being far away from family. We are in the exact same boat. But people who are close to me who want to give me a gift will do so regardless of a formal invitation to do so. People who want to buy you a gift will; Don't pressure people who wouldn't do it on their own. You are literally telling each invitee that you think that they should get you a gift and, if they are not, then they need to RSVP otherwise. Awwwwkward. Would you send your bridal registry information to people you didn't invite to your wedding?
I don't think 5 hours is too far to go for a shower at your mil's house. Why can't you go there?
Well, we kind of did this for my SIL, but she had no idea that it was happening. She didn't register and people didn't buy big gifts. Only 6-7 family members attended.
My mom, aunts, other SIL and cousin got together, decorated onesies and all brought small goodies to fill a diaper bag with (wipes, pacifiers, gas drops, etc). My mom and I brought the diaper bag and the onesies with us to Caliornia when we visited a few weeks later and surprised my SIL with it.
So it wasn't really a shower, but we did something without her knowing and then gave her the gifts.
My little man at 0-1-2
And this is totally fine. You guys wanted to get together and do something for her and so you did. You didn't make a big show about it, inviting everyone she knows to come and buy her a present even though she couldn't be there.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
This a lovely idea!
We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013. We love her to pieces.
We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011. She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.
I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't go to one.
I have family across the country. I send gifts for the new babies, no shower. I got gifts for DD#1 from them and they were not invited to my local shower, which was small.
A shower is to be with the mother to be, and to watch her open the gifts. This video thing would do neither, so skip it.
Whenever people have showers honoring someone; they should be there! IMO if I was invited to something like that I wouldn't go, and maybe send a card and a small gift card when the baby gets there. Parties are all about seeing people, and opening their gifts and thanking them.
There is no way that you can visit your mom for a weekend? Have you and your DH make a weekend trip out of it. Leave on friday, get there saturday and leave early sunday. It would probably be best to do it on easter weekend, so you have more time and you get to see relatives longer.
If your concerned about big items; rent a SUV or truck.
& ditto what other PP's have said- if you can't afford to drive to your baby shower; maybe you should of reconsidered TTC.
Once again, if people want to celebrate the baby and send her a present, then they can (and will) do it without being formally invited/guilted to do so. Honestly, I don't care why someone is at a distance, going to their mom's house (or MIL) to sit around with people I don't know that well (if at all), eat cake and make awkward conversation with a computer that will likely freeze up at some point (if not often, as is the usual case when I try to use Skype for any length of time) is not an enjoyable experience.
If it were a super small, family only (who already all know each other well) event that would be different, but to invite everyone you know is gift grabby.
Yes, it stinks that our military families are often put in these types of circumstances where they are separated from their families for important life events, it doesn't make up for the fact that it's not a good idea for a party.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Military service does not excuse someone from being rude and gift grabby.
This exactly. There are no special rules for military wives. Please don't coddle us. We do not get special treatment, nor do we deserve special treatment. My husband is AD Army, and my father is retired AF, so guess what? I did not have a baby shower AND all the relatives who wanted to send a gift figured out how! It's a miracle!
Now, OP, I get it. I understand you can't afford to go home for a baby shower, and I empathize, I really do. My best friend and MIL were beyond excited to throw a baby shower, but we couldn't afford for me to go home, so it didn't happen. I was a little sad that I didn't get to go home and see all of our family and friends, but I survived, as did our family and friends.
Your family will find ways to shower you with love and gifts, please let them do it on their own terms. If your mom would like to organize a set week that relatives send you gifts so it's like an actual baby shower, that's ok in my book. Or she could have a bunch of people get together like PP's family did and they could make something for you, or sign a card. DH's family all coordinated their gifts, his parents bought the crib, his grandmother bought the mattress, and his aunts bought us bedding for the crib and they all mailed them within a week of each other so it was kind of like a shower.