Guest list etiquette question

Copperlilly818 · January 2013

So, my much loved SIL is due in August. I'm due with my first in March, and think I'd be up to throwing her a baby shower by June/July. I do have one reservation though, and don't know if it should keep me from offering to host. The issue is, If I host it, it would be at my home, and her Aunt is not welcome in my home, ever. It just seems wrong to offer to throw a shower and say, "By the way, you can't invite Aunt M, that hag will never step foot in my home".

I don't know if it would even be an issue. The Aunt is not a nice woman, has insulted the rest of the family terribly, including my SIL, her husband , myself, and my husband. SIL tries to keep the peace, although her husband has stated that nobody should talk to the beast, unless she truly apologized for previous actions and changed her ways.

So, do I offer to host, and just stipulate that Aunt won't be welcome in my home? Or do I say nothing, and not put her in that position. She's younger and I'm thinking none of her friends have the means to put together a nice shower for her.

Thanks!

LilyLove29 · January 2013

I would think if its her shower, and she wants to invite Aunt M, then Aunt M should be invited...

That being said, this may sound bad... So flame away, its just a suggestion...

How bad would it be IF you hosted, and IF mommy to be wanted to invite Aunt M, then you politely smile and conveniently forget to mail the invitation until, say, 2 days before the shower... So she gets the invite on the day of the shower. You technically sent it. Must have been a mixup in the mail.

Disneygeek77 · January 2013

I would ask for a guest list first. She might not even invite the Aunt. Does she know the Aunt isn't invited into your home.

I understand you don't want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. WOuld it be possible to ignore the aunt or ask someone to be a buffer for you so she will leave you alone ? Maybe even ask to buffer to act as a bouncer who can ask the Aunt ot leave if she doesn't behave ?

Honestly, if it was me, and I know that some might consider this uncouth, but I would talk to the husband and ask him try to convince the mom to leave her Aunt off of the invite list.

LilyLove29 · January 2013

Honestly, if it was me, and I know that some might consider this uncouth, but I would talk to the husband and ask him try to convince the mom to leave her Aunt off of the invite list.nbsp;

This would be a great idea!

Copperlilly818 · January 2013

stw_77:
I would ask for a guest list first. She might not even invite the Aunt. Does she know the Aunt isn't invited into your home.
I understand you don't want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. WOuld it be possible to ignore the aunt or ask someone to be a buffer for you so she will leave you alone ? Maybe even ask to buffer to act as a bouncer who can ask the Aunt ot leave if she doesn't behave ?
Honestly, if it was me, and I know that some might consider this uncouth, but I would talk to the husband and ask him try to convince the mom to leave her Aunt off of the invite list.

She does know the Aunt isn't welcome in my home. She was present at the family function where the Aunt brought my husband to tears at the Thanksgiving dinner table by announcing what an unwanted and unloved child my husband was, and making light of all the abuse and neglect he suffered as a small child. She also read the email the Aunt wrote saying that my husband marrying me was proof of his incredibly low self esteem, because i'm so overweight and unattractive. That's just the tip of it. It might be petty, but I'm not willing to bend on this one. She is cruel and two faced, and simply unwelcome in my life and home. SIL's husband would absolutely tell her to not invite her, I just worry she would feel obligated to anyway. I don't want to put her in that position, and when the Aunt eventually found out, she would definitely stir up some trouble over it.

On the other hand, I'd feel like a jerk for not even offering. I'm the only family with a large house and love hosting parties, it would seem odd if I didn't offer.

Disneygeek77 · January 2013

Copperlilly818:
stw_77:
I would ask for a guest list first. She might not even invite the Aunt. Does she know the Aunt isn't invited into your home.
I understand you don't want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. WOuld it be possible to ignore the aunt or ask someone to be a buffer for you so she will leave you alone ? Maybe even ask to buffer to act as a bouncer who can ask the Aunt ot leave if she doesn't behave ?
Honestly, if it was me, and I know that some might consider this uncouth, but I would talk to the husband and ask him try to convince the mom to leave her Aunt off of the invite list.
She does know the Aunt isn't welcome in my home. She was present at the family function where the Aunt brought my husband to tears at the Thanksgiving dinner table by announcing what an unwanted and unloved child my husband was, and making light of all the abuse and neglect he suffered as a small child. She also read the email the Aunt wrote saying that my husband marrying me was proof of his incredibly low self esteem, because i'm so overweight and unattractive. That's just the tip of it. It might be petty, but I'm not willing to bend on this one. She is cruel and two faced, and simply unwelcome in my life and home. SIL's husband would absolutely tell her to not invite her, I just worry she would feel obligated to anyway. I don't want to put her in that position, and when the Aunt eventually found out, she would definitely stir up some trouble over it.
On the other hand, I'd feel like a jerk for not even offering. I'm the only family with a large house and love hosting parties, it would seem odd if I didn't offer.

Eeeeee that is just a terrible position to be in.

Honestly, if I had to choose between upsetting my SIL and upsetting my husband, I would choose upsetting my SIL. I agree with you, no way that woman would be allowed in my home. Part of the reason she behaves this way is because everyone is afraid of her and afraid to say boo to her.

If I were you, I wouldn't take any chance of this woman being in my home and yes that will mean not throwing a shower for SIL. When you cut someone out of your life in order to protect yourself and your family, then that sometimes means having to make difficult decisions like this one.

1026pumpkin · January 2013

Wow, that woman sounds horrible. If I were in your shoes, I'd call SIL and have an honest discussion and tell her that you'd love to host a shower for her, but you're really don't feel comfortable having this Aunt in your home. Ask her if she was planning to invite the aunt to the shower, and if so, than offer to help one of her friends co-host a shower (at MTB's house, friend's house, park, community center, wherever) and then just ignore the aunt.

Copperlilly818 · January 2013

1026pumpkin:
Wow, that woman sounds horrible. If I were in your shoes, I'd call SIL and have an honest discussion and tell her that you'd love to host a shower for her, but you're really don't feel comfortable having this Aunt in your home. Ask her if she was planning to invite the aunt to the shower, and if so, than offer to help one of her friends co-host a shower (at MTB's house, friend's house, park, community center, wherever) and then just ignore the aunt.

That's a really good idea! I have no problem ignoring the woman outside of my home, and could just offer to help the main host by taking care of invites, or decorations or whatever they needed help with. Thank You!

Copperlilly818 · January 2013

sorry, double post.

Jillwithani · January 2013

Don't invite the twat, maybe that will send a message that her behavior will not be tolerated.

rhubarb123 · January 2013

1026pumpkin:
Wow, that woman sounds horrible. If I were in your shoes, I'd call SIL and have an honest discussion and tell her that you'd love to host a shower for her, but you're really don't feel comfortable having this Aunt in your home. Ask her if she was planning to invite the aunt to the shower, and if so, than offer to help one of her friends co-host a shower (at MTB's house, friend's house, park, community center, wherever) and then just ignore the aunt.

This...hopefully she will agree not to invite her. I think she needs to be put in her place. What a horrible person she is.

eav2c · January 2013

She sounds awful. Are you sure the MTB will even want her there?

ohlordy · January 2013

Jillwithani:
Don't invite the twat, maybe that will send a message that her behavior will not be tolerated.

I second this! Obligation, schmobligation.

MamaMcCleary · January 2013

Totally agree to this. What an monster. Honestly it will not reflect on the SIL if you leave her off the list it would be you that was in charge of that and who cares what the monster thinks anyways. No one will miss this beast.

Dont pass up the opportunity to throw your a expected niece or nephew a wonderful party by an an aunt and uncle who cherish them!

Monsters unwelcome!

Copperlilly818 · January 2013

Thanks for all the helpful advice ladies! I think I'll just be honest with my SIL, and if she chooses to have me host her shower, I'll gladly take the responsibility for not inviting the beastly hag. The offenses I mentioned are really just the tip of her awfulness, and nobody needs her crap interfering with such a happy time.

stephweinstein · January 2013

LilyLove29:
I would think if its her shower, and she wants to invite Aunt M, then Aunt M should be invited... That being said, this may sound bad... So flame away, its just a suggestion... How bad would it be IF you hosted, and IF mommy to be wanted to invite Aunt M, then you politely smile and conveniently forget to mail the invitation until, say, 2 days before the shower... So she gets the invite on the day of the shower. You technically sent it. Must have been a mixup in the mail.

Totally not flame-worthy. My evil eyebrow is arching. You are wonderful.

OP - I don't think it's correct etiquette to stipulate who can and can not be invited to a party you are hosting for another person. If you are having a significant restriction you may want to pass on hosting. Additionally, what did Aunt M do to you that is so offensive? Why would your sister have a relationship with a person who has obviously upset you so significantly?

stephweinstein · January 2013

Oh Em Gee - I just read your explanation on why Aunt M is not invited to your home.

Honestly, she's an awful person and she sounds like a miserable wretch. Have you considered running her over with your car?

Copperlilly818 · January 2013

stephweinstein:
Oh Em Gee - I just read your explanation on why Aunt M is not invited to your home.

Honestly, she's an awful person and she sounds like a miserable wretch. Have you considered running her over with your car?

Ha! If just ignoring her doesn't work, I might consider it.

On top of the above offenses, she has repeatedly told my husband's youngest sister, who is twenty and quite insecure, about all the plastic surgery she needs (nose job, gum reduction, maybe some highlights in her hair) and offered up surgeon referrals. Oh, and she spent several years in prison for embezzling from retirement funds she was managing. There's more, but I've probably over shared already

Want a personalized experience?

Guest list etiquette question

Re: Guest list etiquette question

Choose Another Board

Search Boards