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Blended Families
how to handle a delicate situation as a stepmother... longish... sorry!
hi...
i lurk here from time to time as i am a step mother. i'm not a big poster but i'm hoping that someone will be able to provide me with some advice. anyhoo, my step daughter is just about to be 10 and really is a good kid. she lives with her mother full time but we have visitation on a very regular basis with her. i've been in her life she since was 3 and we have a pretty good relationship. i try to make sure we have a respectful and kind environment and i don't step on "parenting toes" with her mother or her father, for a number of reasons. just a little back story.
ok, so a couple years ago i discovered that she was making herself throw up after eating. i asked her what was going on and she told me that she had eaten too much or something like that. so, i told her that making yourself throw up is not healthy for her body and it was ok if she was full and didn't want to finish her food. and that it was better to tell us she was full, than to it the food and then make herself vomit. this was over a holiday break and she was staying at our home for a week or so. i told my husband what my stepdaughter and i talked about but i thought it was important for him to know what was going on because i felt like this may have been going on for a while. my husband reacted like many parents would and it kinda turned into me being the "bad guy." i really didn't mind being the bad guy in this situation bc i felt like her mental and physical health might be compromised if it continued. he spoke to her mother and she kinda blew it off and said "oh she does that. sometimes she eats too much."
i've never brought the situation back up. fast forward to last weekend. my mother watches my twins part time at our home and yesterday she said she found elements of vomit in the bathroom the kids use. i cleaned the bathroom last week and my stepdaughter was over this past weekend. i haven't been ill, my girls are too little to vomit in the toilet and my husband hasn't been ill either. i had noticed some signs that she may be vomiting after eating recently and i would nudge my husband with "is she ok? she's been in the bathroom for a while." but he would respond with "well, she's probably trying to poop."
so, here we are today. i'm really not sure how to proceed with this concern. i'm not sure if my husband or her mother are really ready to accept that she may be struggling with something. i know that her mother has fairly low self-esteem and doesn't set the best example when it comes to weight and beauty. but i'm not sure if it's a situation of body dysmorphia (especially at such a young age) or if she's experienced some kind of trauma and it's manifesting through an eating disorder or what.
so, i guess my question would be has any step mother been in a situation where you had to tell your spouse something like this or equally as difficult? or has any bio parent had to hear something of this magnitude from your spouse (child's step parent) and what could i do make sure my husband understands that i'm coming from a place of concern.
my husband is very easy going and has a tendency to think "oh everything is fine" and that i'm over reacting. but as a woman, i know that it can be difficult to navigate this world especially when it comes to body image and i'm worried for her.
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Re: how to handle a delicate situation as a stepmother... longish... sorry!
an eating disorder can kill. it is not to be taken lightly. tell your husband and keep on him until he does something about it. she needs to see her doctor and her mother needs to be on board. good luck!
Kids are "maturing" at a younger age than we all did. Especially girls. The pressure to be thin and pretty is thrown on these girls really young. If DH doesn't think it's a problem, are you comfortable talking to BM directly? Maybe SD's teacher? Someone needs to get this poor little girl some help immediately.
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This is very serious as bulimia can kill and your SD is very young.
If your husband is in denial, I would approach a professional about how to proceed. Perhaps you could visit a therapist who specializes in eating disorders and explain your situation and concerns and get advice on how to move forward.
There may also be support groups that can help you and coach you through some of this. I just did a quick google and found this website that I hope will be of some help to you
https://www.bulimiaguide.org/
Wow, so it started a couple years ago.. like when she was 7 or 8?
You need to get her some help. Do you have rights to talk to her doctor? (FI signed some paperwork at his son's pedi to allow me to take son there without FI, and discuss medical stuff). Talk again with YH about it, and try to explain to him how serious it really is. If he's not on board, talk to the BM.
I was anorexic in high school, then bulimic during college. It's like alcoholism, you're never cured of that mindset, but you can recover and learn how to handle it. Especially at such a young age, she needs professional help.
I struggled with Bulimia in my teens. It is very dangerous. When I was getting treatment I was in a group with other girls.
From talking to them it seemed like most of their parents had been in denial. One girl almost died because vomiting so much caused a tear in her esophagus. She lost a lot of blood and it could have killed her if her sister hadn't found her and called 911.
I totally understand not wanting to step on any toes but BM's and DH responses to this are not ok. It's very likely they are in denial. If they wont do anything then you need to even if it makes them upset. Because you are a SM and not a bio parent you may not be able to take SD to her doctor but you can call them and tell them what is going on. Another good place to start would be to call the guidance counselor and nurse and tell them what is going on. They can help SD and possibly help DH and BM to understand how serious this is.
SD needs help and fast. These behaviors are addicting. The longer she goes without help the harder it will be to stop. Something else to keep in mind is that binging and purging aren't the real issue here. They are a symptom of the disease but not the disease itself. SD needs to talk to a professional to help her deal with whatever underlying issues are causing this.
I'm just a lurker, but wanted to put in my 2 cents
More and more research is finding that disordered eating begins much younger than we realized - like at 7, 8, and 9 years old. Left untreated, it only gets worse. I can totally understand your concern about how to bring it up so that someone hears you. Perhaps you can do some research on signs of disordered eating and present it to your husband. Then (and this might not go over well) I'd be sure your husband shares it with SD's mom - and if he didn't, I might go ahead and send an email letting her know what you saw along with some of the resources.
It sounds like both parents are in denial - I'd keep voicing my concern every time you notice signs of purging, disordered eating, or evidence of a distorted body image.
I'd keep at it with both parents. I think letting it slide is dangerous for SD. Until then, do some research! If you can't talk to SD's dr. , make an apt. with your kid's' dr. A friend of mine battles with eating disorders - mainly bulimia, and one of her rules was that she had to be watched for 1 hour after eating. Start monitoring (and recording) her habits before/during/after meals. You can't just let it go.
One of the benefits of being a SM is that you can see situations more clearly. SD was very sick when she was a baby, and DH still freaks anytime she's sick. Hearing about it makes my heart ache, but I didn't live through it. Now I can say, "Honey, she was sick last week and feels fine today. I think it's ok if she plays in the back yard for a little while."
thanks for all of the help and support. it is very delicate and as someone mentioned it's difficult for someone to hear that there's a mental health concern with one of your children. however, i'm like other mothers on this thread and i would 100% want someone to tell me. unfortunately, i don't have access to their physician, but i can take them to the doctor if i need to. so that may be one route and i could just let the physician proceed from there with her BM. i could also email her teacher and allow the teacher to talk to the school guidance counselor.
i became aware of the behavior when she was 8, but i can't really say when it all started. it scares me because she's so young and like many people have mentioned the behavior is addicting and i hate that this has become some sort of coping mechanism for her. i'm fortunate to work on a college campus so i have access to a ton of professsionals and i probably will seek their guidance in how to proceed.
i was also considering taking her out for some 1:1 time and asking her about the behavior. i think she trusts me and i'm wondering if she wants to tell someone about it. for those of you who have struggled with disordered eating, do you think this is a good idea? i did talk to her about it two years ago when i initially found out but i was operating under the assumption that this was perhaps an isolated incident, so i never readressed it. i don't want her to think she's in trouble and i'm wondering if i can talk to her and then we can talk to DH/BM together if she would feel more secure. thoughts?
As someone who has battled eating disorders and body images problems off and on my entire life, let me warn you of a few things.
First, your SD is going to hate you for bringing this all up. But it needs to be done. When she's older she'll look back and appreciate you and your concern. Be prepared that things with her will be rough for awhile. Talking to her 1:1 isn't going to accomplish much. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. She's going to justify the hell out of her behavior: "I ate too much and it made me sick", "I just had an upset stomach", "I think I'm getting the flu", etc. People with eating disorders do that. We make excuses and we start to believe those excuses. I can't tell you how many times I told my parents it was just too hot to eat before I started really thinking the weather was impacting my eating.
You've already told YH that you think something is wrong and he dismissed it. BM already dismissed it. Maybe now you can approach it as, "SD seems to get sick a lot after she eats. Maybe she should see the Dr about possible reflux issues." That might help open the door to getting SD to a Dr. When she gets to the Dr, mention your concerns. Is SD due for a dentist appt? If she is purging often, the stomach acid will be eroding the enamel on her teeth and the dentist will be able to see that.
Lastly, do not talk about SD's appearance to/with her. Ever. When you have an eating disorder, being told you look great or that you're pretty has the opposite effect than one might think. It actually encourages the behavior. Think about it, when you're dieting and you notice your clothes are looser or the numbers on the scale are coming down, it motivates you to keep going, right? Same thing happens for people with eating disorders.
GL to you. I really hope you're able to get SD the help she needs.
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that's helpful. thank you for your openess. maybe discussing the "reflux issues" may be a way into the doctor especially with DH and BM.
i know she's going to hate me and that makes me feel awful, but it needs to be addressed. i'd rather her hate me temporarily and get the help she needs, rather than being a "friend" and not saying anything.
My parents' response to me whenever I told them I hated them was always, "Good. That means we're doing our jobs right.". Truer words have never been spoken, keep that in mind.
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