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Blended Families
+just+j+
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First EOWE and clothes. Jesus H Christ...
+just+j+
member
Sorry this is long. I am so ticked. I know you all have been thru this, I knew I would have to deal with it too and I have learned my lesson and I need to learn to pack accordingly.
DD spent her first EOWE with H. I was in town anyway, and dropped her off at his place Saturday. And then we met half way last night to exchange. When I dropped her off, I had 3 outfits for 2 days, 2 sets of pj?s and 2 pairs of shoes. I also gave him some toys, and the box of toys his mom sent to me. I told him he could keep them all there for DD. He insists on me taking an old TV for her. It?s one of those bulky ?flat screens? before they produced the current, skinny flat screens. He also gave me a little student desk that was beat up, and a big tub of used clothes. All things that his friends gave him. But I of course need to take them. I don?t want more crap. I?m moving to an apartment. I?m trying to get RID of it. But he insists and load them into my car. His friends are there and I just shut up and figure I?ll sell it at my tag sale this spring. But I still have to haul the crap.
When I pick her up, she is in a pair of capris (in cold weather) that aren?t hers ? probably his friend?s child?s handme downs and her pajama top. The night before he sent me a picture of her in the purple bottoms and a green shirt. When I comment on her wearing pj?s he says, ?Well you didn?t give me enough clothes!? WTF?? 3 pairs of clothes is not enough for 2 flipping days? And this does not include the dress she was wearing. She had FOUR outfits! He gives me a box filled with an odd mix with half the toys his mom sent, more crappy, cheap toys that were probably his friend?s kid?s who don?t want them anymore and some toys that he took with him when he moved. Oh yeah, and the pants and sweater (unworn) that I specifically pulled out when I dropped her off and told him was a nice out fit for her birthday. That was in the toy box all crumpled up. Thankfully, he managed to get her Leap Pad 2 in her bag.
I get home and I find that half her clothes are missing. I call him up and say nicely, ?Hey, half her clothes are missing. Do you see any of them there?? He asks what don?t I have. He sounds like he's halfass looking. I tell him and he only locates two pieces of the six. He says, ?Look harder. Are you sure you don?t have them?? OMFG. I say again nicely, ?Well just do me a favor and watch for them. Put them in a bag as you find them so that when I?m there in a couple of weeks their all pulled together.? He says okay.
He calls me this morning. Tells me ?I found her shoes. They were upstairs. I don?t know why?? I tell him, ?That?s because you all have a shoes off at the door policy. I took them off at the door.? He says, ?Well then, that?s your fault.? I laugh and say, ?Um, yeah, I am well aware that many things are my fault, but I?m trying to figure out how you could walk by her shoes which I put next to yours. How many times did you go out to smoke??? He got mad and says that I didn?t send enough clothes, that I need to check and make sure I don?t have them. I cut him off and say, ?Oh. Okay. Well now I know how to pack. I?ll just send clothes that I don?t care go missing.? He starts to say that?s not fair and I say, ?I?m on a budget. I can?t afford to buy her clothes to replace ones that you can?t seem to send back with her. So how about I just pack these wonderful clothes your friends gave us?? He says fine and hangs up on me. Fine.
Now let?s talk about this tub of clothes. White. Trash. Worse than the Walmart bargain bin. Half the fabric is the kind that pills after the first wear and wash. I?m on a budget myself, but I do not buy clothes like this. My child will not wear cammo. My 3 year old will not wear short, SHORT shorts or a backless halter tank top. Sorry. I put my child in decent clothes and I got maybe 10-12 pieces out of it that passed.
When I go to the outlet mall, I?ll go to places like Gap, Children?s Place, OshKosh, even Ralph Lauren and buy the clothes on sale. Some are regular priced. I also shop Target. Rarely Walmart. I get some pretty good deals and my daughter looks nice, but i still don't want to lose them! I'll be damned if I'm putting her in these white trash clothes so I guess i have to go to a few re-sale shops and Goodwill and pull a "visting daddy" wardrobe together.
And let's not even talk about what her hair looked like when I got her. My god.
I am so damn frustrated. It?s my fault you can?t keep track and pack one small bag of clothes?? Really?
"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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Re: First EOWE and clothes. Jesus H Christ...
It sucks and is stupid but there's no point in arguing about it. My X does it too. I think a huge part of it is that they want us to be riled up about it. Don't let them win. I've finally given up and will be going to GoodWill today or tomorrow to get "daddy" clothes. It sucks but I've replaced dozens of clothes and can't always get them cheap... like the time it was 5 degrees and he didn't have a sweatshirt or jacket because BD was hoarding them. I had to get what I could find in his size.
So I took a deep breath and I let it go. My therapist (who's trained in blended family / divorce / co-parenting) said get crappy clothes and have DS change into them before going to his dads house. That's what I'm doing.
I wish you lived near me, I have tons of handmedowns.
As for the extra toys and "junkie" clothes, send them back to his place next visit. Or keep the clothes for DD to wear when she paints or does arts and crafts. At least then she won't destroy the nicer stuff.
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Jesus! You know when you are upset with someone or don't like someone that they can not do anything right.
I seriously do not think your ahole STBXH is TRYING to piss you off by "losing" clothes. I simply think this is his first EOWE with his daughter and he is probably at a loss and disorganized since you are so organized and did so much when you were together.
I am not sticking up for him, but I don't think I'd waste the energy you are wasting thinking this through. I see him trying (albeit not in the fashion you would like) by sending the crappy clothes in the bin and toys. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't have as high of a standard as you BUT I'm sure some moms would love any kind of attempt at all.
I'd give the guy a little more time and obviously don't send your favorite outfits, but she is your kid and if you don't want her wearing cammo send her clothes wit her to her daddy's house. I LOATE the idea of making kids change, although I understand the finances ALL TOO WELL....trust me.
How hard is to look around ONE room and at the front door for shoes. I even reminded him to grab the other shoes before he left.
Your probably right Hope. I probably am getting way too worked up over it and I'll deal with it accordingly in the future.
As for the clothes, I know he'd feel the same if about it if he even looked in the bin himself. He didn't.
I guess I should be happy he even wanted to keep DD. He's been gone 2 months and this was the first time he has taken her overnight.
I probably did create this monster, but we're not talking anything complicated here. The fact that he's pinning the blame on me for his laziness and refuses to listen when I am trying to help him out and remind him is just frustrating.
I don't think he's trying to get me upset or lose the clothes on purpose. I really think he is that irresponsible and lazy.
As for pinning it on me, that's how he works. God forbid he take a look at himself and admit he messed up. I was even nice about it to begin with because I knew he would go on the defense if I acted the least upset.
And if forget something...holy cow. It's a crime.
Hope, for anyone else I would give more if a benefit of the doubt but this is a grown man and this is his fifth child, he is not 20 having his first. And he lost my benefit of the doubt since he did not raise any of the first four. By this point in life he should be able to dress his kid and comb her hair.
Your daughter deserves to wear her clothes and not crappy ones just because she is going to daddy's house. That is all I'm saying. I'm totally on your side.
As for this being his 5th child,pp nailed it on the head. He didn't raise the 1st 4 so how would he know how to do her hair, etc. You aren't there to guide him.
I hope he gets his stuff together between now and whenever his next time is. I really am rooting for your munchkin to get the older,wiser version of her dad and hopefully he brings something worthwhile to put towards her upbringing.
Send regular outfits that you don't mind not getting back, perhaps? Send a list along?
She had the dress shoes on when I brought her. She had on the tennis shoes that I packed when I picked her up. I don't want her dressed crappy for him either. It's about DD and she needs to feel comfortable, cute, and proud of herself and I'm not sending her in anything I wouldn't put on her myself. I just have to give him the things I won't be upset over if they are lost.
I did kind of pack that way, but I still gave him clothes I put her in, and reluctantly had one nice set of really nice clothes for her birthday because I really didn't want to be that BM. I'll probably get them back when we meet up again. I have to drive all the way there for the required co-parenting class so I will look and make sure I have them all. Isn't that ironic? Mabye we'll both learn a little.
I may also quickly teach him how to do a quick style that will stay up and not droop and get messy as it was last night. DD is showing interest in doing her hair now so I give it one more year and she might be able to at least brush her hair.
I will have to teach her how to be self sufficent so at some point she can pack and do her hair herself when she's with daddy. Then again...everyone is betting he won't be around past this year anyway so I guess I should just shut it and chalk it up to a lesson learned.
Like I'm surprised by it anyway.
This. If your stbx is serious about sharing custody, he needs to provide clothes and necessities for her at his house. Personally I don't think kids should have to live out of a suitcase, they should have 2 homes. As for the hair, don't hold too much hope of him learning. My DH gets DD ready in the mornings because I am at work by the time they wake up. He can manage brushing and a simple ponytail but anything else is beyond him
Consider an easy to manage haircut for DD if this becomes a regular issue.
I'm mainly a lurker but my sister had this same exact problem with my niece's bio-dad. She would pack her nice clothes & none of it would come back or rinky dink clothes would be in the bags in lieu of the clothes my sister packed. Since the bio-dad has regular EOW schedule in the CO, my sister stopped packing clothes & made him buy my niece clothes for when she is with him. She also would send my niece over in play clothes that really didn't matter too much.
That was the only way the problem was solved. My sister lost a lot of nice clothes due to my niece's bio-dad.
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of frustration if you don't let the clothes things go.
I don't pack clothes for DS. I give his dad enough clothes to last a week-end and they stay there. We only exchange footwear and outdoor clothes. It works for us. Also, I never send anything there that I absolutely need back. It's not worth the headache.
Believe me when I say I understand exactly where you're coming from, as I used to be there myself.
But, you cannot do all this for H. He needs to parent DD on his own, and that includes providing for her. He needs to provide her clothes and toys. It's not your responsibility to do that for him. Send DD in an outfit you don't care for, and then he needs to take care clothes for the rest of the weekend. I wouldn't go waste your money on a "wardrobe for H's place," as that should be his responsibility. Also, recognize that H may dress her in clothes you don't like, or clothes that are "white trash," but that's his prerogative and what he does on his time is his business as long as it's not neglect or abuse.
I have the same problem. Only my XH is convinced I steal his clothes. I send back his Sunday drop off outfit to at the next Wednesday visitation. He always puts her in clothes a size too big, or a size too small. He puts back on her dirty socks to come home with because I "steal his socks". I swear I don't. I actually wash her clothes on Sunday night and put his right into a bag.
I stopped sending any clothes for the weekend, as its his job to provide what she needs at his house. And please consider emailing instead of calling. It will save you a lot of stress. A quick email detailing what you were missing would have done the same thing without the back and forth blame game.
I agree with PP that the clothes exchange situation is immensely frustrating. We have a similar issue with my 5 y.o. SS. I like to buy reasonable quality clothes on sale for SS when he is here. I also always ensure I do laundry so that everything he came with he goes back with (except maybe socks and sometimes underwear - sometimes we have duplicates between houses). The issue for is was a bit more challenging as he got older. He likes to pick out what he wants to wear (from weather and situation-appropriate options (school vs. play)) and we won't see clothes we send him back in for months at a time.
What has worked for us is he wears our clothes while he is here, and before he goes back to his mom's, we ask him to choose what he wants from what she packed him and lay it out for him. He usually just wants to get going in the am and just puts them on.
This will likely become more of an issue as he gets older and wants to wear stuff here to her house. But it's also a good teaching opportunity for responsibility and that he is in charge of his belongings and ensuring he accounts for where things are (that goes both ways - also ensuring he recalls to bring stuff from BM's back to her house).
Buy some decent clothes that he can keep at his house. Send her in one outfit and tell him to return her in that outfit.
My H and his ex did that for years because they each had a different idea of what cute and acceptable clothes were for my SS. It worked out well and stopped the arguements,