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Attachment Parenting
2u2wow
member
pardon my ignorance but...
2u2wow
member
can you explain to me what bed sharing really is...no judgment at all - just curious!
i understand in the beginning when LO is in a co-sleeper but as they get older how does it work?
how does it effect your relationship?
does your LO just sleep where ever in the bed with you or do they sleep between you?
at what age do you consider moving them to their own beds?
is there any studies on how it affects children as they get older? good or bad?
we left DS with my parents over night quite a bit, how do you leave them with other people?
what about naps?
TIA!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: pardon my ignorance but...
Hmmm, there are two terms out there. Co-sleeping just means sleeping in the same room. Bed-sharing means sleeping the same bed.
We did both, but mostly bedshared in the end. Our DS moved to his own big kid bed at 14 months though. DH and I were still close, but between a newborn and breastfeeding, our bed would have been for sleep anyhow.
We had relations in other places if the baby was taking over our bed. 
We kicked DS out at 14 months because he was just getting too wiggly at night. When I got pregnant, that was the end for sure! I knew I wouldn't have space in our full size bed for three of us and a belly! He sleeps in his own room partly now and if he wakes up, he co-sleeps with us on a floor mattress in our room. Some people have the baby sleep on the side of the bed with a railing. DS always slept between us. There are lots of studies you can google on the benefits of bedsharing and/or co-sleeping and how to bedshare safely. You obviously can't have fluffy blankets/etc. in the bed with you. Our child has always napped on his own either in his crib (we still had one), pack n play, or the middle of our bed. He attends daycare and obviously napped on his own in a crib there. We've never left DS overnight anywhere. That's just a personal choice. We don't go places overnight and he was bfing up until about 5 months ago anyhow, so it was necessary he stay home with us. He will stay somewhere when I have the new baby for maybe a night, but I don't think kids need to be left overnight for "fun" until they are school-aged. Like I said, that's just a personal thing.
LO never slept in a cosleeper. He just slept with me. My husband is a fairly big guy and a deep sleeper, so we didn't sleep in the same bed with him but in a bed in DS's room. There are rules to keep baby safe - no stray blankets or pillows, firm surface, no use of alcohol or sleeping drugs, no loose clothes.
I slept with DS from about 4 days to about 6 months. It was great - once he stopped pooping overnight, I didn't have to get up. We'd both sleep through feeds. It helped so much. At 6 months, I transitioned him to the crib and he'd start there, and then when he woke up, we'd sleep together the rest of the night. And then eventually, I'd feed him but put him back in the crib. For us, it evolved, but he's fully time in his crib now and sttn.
I didn't leave DS until he was 18 months old; he was a crappy sleeper and nursing at night until then. Bedhsaring had nothing to do with it.
Naps have varied; he napped in the car, in the swing, in the carrier. Now he usually naps in the bed, but we can get up after he's asleep.
Bedsharing isn't something I worried about studies on (other than for safety guidelines). It was something that maximized everyone's sleep. That's what it was all about in this house.
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If not getting out of bed doesn't sound better than getting out of bed 4 or 5 times, we don't speak the same language. Personally, I also liked snuggling my child and think that generally physical contact is good for babies.
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Hah! Definitely this!
Seriously, it vastly reduces the quality of your sleep to get vertical, and to stand up (they both wake you farther out of sleep than the previous stage). Avoiding that is comparatively heavenly.
Other benefits:
- in young babies, it reduces the risk of SIDS
- it increases the likelihood of successful breastfeeding
- it actually helps young babies learn how to breath better in the first few weeks as they syncrhonize their breathing, at a neural level, with mom
- young babies have more stable temperatures and heart rates when cosleeping
- encourages increased physical contact with makes measurable changes in brain development and emotional regulation over the long term (as compared to babies who get significantly less physical contact, cosleeping is not the only answer here, of course!)
But, the biggest reason we have done it past the first few months? It's so much easier on me.
For me the "point" is it satisfies the baby's need for physical closeness and security, helps with sleep and night feeds, and I have read that children develop a healthy idea of adult relationships. I'm not exactly sure what that means, I haven't bothered to research further than that.
We don't bed share, we use a cosleeper next to the bed, and IMO, it's fantastic and has most of the same benefits. I don't have to get out of bed for feedings and changings, meaning DD doesn't have to be moved much and will generally sleep through both. If she's fussy, she's less than an arm's length away, so I can easily hold her hand or rest a hand on her belly to soothe her. We keep back up clothes, diapers, burp rags, etc in the pockets that are attached, so even if she has a blow out or spits up all over, we can change her and swap out the sheet without going anywhere. Plus, if we decide to bring her to bed with us, she's right there.
I can tell you right now, though, the biggest benefit is that neither of us have to get up 3-5 times a night and go into the nursery, which helps DH and I a ton, but also cuts down on middle of the night stimulation for her. It generally takes her a good 45 min to drift off after a feeding, so it's nice to be able to stay in bed where i can drift off to sleep comfortably instead of in a hard rocking chair. It helps everyone get a better night's sleep, no question.
The "point" for me is that it is such a beautiful bonding experience with your baby. I love being snuggled close to her and hearing her breathing as she sleeps. Babies grow up so fast. Sometimes I feel sad for moms who never experienced bedsharing with their babies. My DH doesn't mind it but he doesn't enjoy it as much as I do. He definitely likes that he doesn't have to get up out of bed in the middle of the night.
Anyway, we never planned on bedsharing. We bedshare because she sleeps poorly at night in her crib (she's up 6-7 times per night) and if she's in our bed then our lazy asses don't have to get up out. She does sleep in her crib for naps.
We never planned on bedsharing, but after DD was born and refused to sleep anywhere else, I did a lot of research and found the above. DD is now 4 months and I don't push the moving to her crib issue. Mostly because I work during the day and love reconnecting with her at night. I also bf and having her able to easily nurse whenever she wants thru the night, without interrupting my sleep, helps greatly with my supply. I would much rather feed her than have to mess with pumping at night.
My kid slept fine during the day, but was a crappy, crappy sleeper at night. Still is. Bedsharing was basically so we could all get some sleep because that was the only place he would stay asleep for more than a few hours. He has a lot of food allergies, asthma, and reflux too that we learned about over time that might have contributed to some of his sleep issues (the reflux we were treating from birth though.) Day sleeping does not equal night sleeping in our house. And I'm very, very anti- CIO methods and they don't work for my child anyhow, so that wasn't happening.
Also, I agree with pp, that I just liked having him there. That tiny little person curled up next to you breathing. I didn't need a monitor because I could feel his breath. When I woke up in the morning, he was next to me smiling or giggling or when he was older, saying "Wake up Mommy!"
My DH was just as in love with bedsharing also and he was actually harder to convince than the kiddo that DS needed to move out of our bed. 
He works nights a lot and I spent three weeks training DS to sleep in his room with sticker charts and sleepless nights. The first night my DH was home again, he immediately went and got DS and brought him to our bed! Argh! 
There's just something nice about all waking up together though, holding hands with DH over LO's little head and whispering about our futures together. If there's ever a fire, I know where everyone is and don't have to worry about having my kid trapped in the other room. Same for any other emergency - tornados, break-ins, etc. Those things have never happened and might not, but one less mommy worry for me. And of course, the not getting up to feed him all the time was a huge plus - baby and boob all in the same spot!
I bought a co-sleeper with DD1 and planned to have her sleep in that for the first few months. What I found was that she wouldn't sleep at all unless she was touching me. Not just my hand on her back/tummy, she needed to be right next to me or she'd wake up. Every single time I tried to put her back in the co-sleeper, she woke up. So we had to bedshare just so I could get some sleep.
Her sleep at daycare was completely unrelated to how she slept at home. Both girls were like that. They would go down easily by themselves at daycare, but with me they apparently needed me with them until they fell asleep.
When they were young, both napped on me. As they got older, I was able to put them down in a swing or sometimes the RnP. Generally they would sleep a couple hours max by themselves. We ended up partially bedsharing (and still do with DD2). They started off the night in their crib and came to sleep with us after their first waking. If I put them back in the crib, they woke every couple hours. If I put them in bed with me, they'd sleep the rest of the night.
There is also research that shows that babies breathing is regulated by sleeping next to their mother and that bedsharing is more natural than putting baby in a separate room.
Charlotte Ella 07.16.10
Emmeline Grace 03.27.13
We kind of fell into bedsharing. My son would not sleep alone (and later on we found out he had sensory processing disorder which meant his nervous system required that touch more than other kids). I did a lot of research (dr mckenna at notre dame has a lot of good research on the positive effects) as well as other research like how most countries around the world bedshare yet have a lower SIDS rate than we do. based on the research we did it on purpose with my second child.
We initially stopped bedsharing with my oldest at 20 months. There was no issues transitioning him into his own bed/room--he really was ready. He's had times where he's gone through some separation anxiety/went through a period when he was having nightmares where we continued to bedshare again but we still encourage him to sleep in his own space. Currently he falls asleep in his bed. Around 5am he crawls into our bed and we all sleep until 7am. It's the perfect arrangement--DH and I get the bed to ourselves all night but I wake for the day with a snuggling LO in my arms.
With my second child, we stopped earlier--right around 12 months. She just wasn't into it as much as my older child and preferred to sleep alone. We always followed our children's cues for moving onto the next step whether it be with bedsharing or feedings. We never push them to do something we feel they're not ready for solely for our convenience.
In terms of sleepovers, we brought a cosleeper over for them and LO fell asleep. No issues at all. My parents were also ok with bedsharing with them but waited until 1+ for that.
In regards to long-term impact, studies suggest it seems to have a positive influence on emotional health--specifically that kids who coslept were happier, had less anxiety issues, higher self esteem and greater independence. It also seems to create kids who sleep better. Really it's tough to pinpoint whether it's going to have a positive/negative influence since there are so many factors that come into play besides sleeping arrangements in infancy/early childhood.
It could be completely coincidental (and unrelated to bedsharing and more likely a combination of temperament/overall parenting) but I found that AP principals really fostered a healthy sense of independence in my kids. I've always read things on here of moms with kids who can't play independently for even a few minutes so mom could shower/clean--I've never had that with my bedsharing kids. As soon as they could play with toys, they did on their own. When I'd take them to playgroups and such, other kids would be clung to their mothers for dear life. My kids would be off playing and exploring (while periodically looking over to me/bringing me a toy to show me). I really think that bedsharing/meeting their needs in infancy has helped build self-confident, independent, imaginative children.
We bedshare because my Dd is a horrible sleeper ( up every 2 hours ) and I needed sleep. If I stand up I'm fully awake, but if I just roll over to nurse, hug, rub belly, etc. then I'm good.
H also sleeps in the bed. Dd sleeps between me and a bed rail.
We just night weaned and are working towards moving her to her own room around her 2nd birthday, when she will hopefully be ready for a toddler bed
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