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Adoption
Advice about sister-in-law
Hey everyone,
I am looking for some advice. My SIL and her husband have been trying to conceive for about 2 years. It is pretty much the center of their world. She even told me (jokingly but also seriously) "you better not make me and aunt before I make you one." She has undergone hormone treatments and surgery to try to get pregnant and has not been successful. She is also 3 years younger than me. They have been married for 2 years and my husband and I have been married for 3 months.
My husband (her brother) and I started our adoption process in October 2012 and decided to keep it quiet until we were approved and waiting, just in case something would go wrong. We told our families after our first homestudy visit on December 5, 2012. They were very supportive, but my MIL said "let me be the one to tell your sister." As if we were breaking some bad news to her. I have not heard anything from my SIL since my MIL told her about our plans to adopt. I didn't even get a call/text for my birthday, which was earlier this month.
At this point, I don't really know what to do. I feel like we have to tip toe around the subject out of fear of hurting her feelings or upseting her. My worry is how she will react when we are matched and our baby is born. Is there anything I can do or say to make this subject easier to approach? My MIL pretty much took the opportunity away from us to be able to tell her ourselves so I'm not really sure what to do from here. Thank you so much for any advice 
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Re: Advice about sister-in-law
Man, stuff with family is hard. And stuff with babies is hard. But, honestly, I don't think people have a "right" to have a kid before others. In their difficulty, she may be personalizing your decision (as if your adopting is a comment on their conceiving). But she may also need space and time to adjust (and feel a lot of feelings). IF is so hard.
Having good boundaries means you don't take responsibility for how she feels, but it seems like you're doing a good job of that... I think it'd be okay to text her and ask if y'all are okay, and to invite her to talk about how she's feeling about it with you. It sounds like you care about her, and it may help her to know you still want to support them as they continue to try to get pregnant (that there's no "race" for a baby or something, that you'd be thrilled for them to get pg before y'all got matched, you know).
?? My 2 cents.
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
Yikes! That's tough. The truth is that she will probably feel bad no matter what, if she's in a bad place with IF. However, I am sure that she will get over those feelings (if she's having them) and absolutely fall in love with your child. And perhaps your adoption has them asking themselves some tough questions and thinking about new things. I know that my SIL and BIL also started talking about pursuing adoption after we came out about our plans.
I personally don't equate someone getting an adoption placement with having a pregnancy, and I wouldn't feel sad about it. She may feel differently, but in the end I think things will all work out. I would talk to her about what you guys are doing while acknowledging that you know she's in a bad place with IF. If her mom already gave her the heads up, she should be prepared.
Both of my SIL's got pregnant accidentally while we were seeing our RE. Was it hard? Yep. But they were both SO KIND and respectful of what we were going through, that I felt so blessed by them both. I was the first person that was invited to the hospital to hold my niece the day she was born! And any time I walk into a family gathering, they always pass my nephew right to me and let me hold him for as long as I want. It makes me all teary eyed thinking about it. I love my niece and nephew to pieces, and I am sure in time your SIL will be so happy for you guys as well.
Hard stuff is right. But I know when I was going through IF treatments, the best thing that could have happened was if someone talked to me directly about their situation, rather than having my mom or someone tell me about it. Although everyone is a bit different on this, may I suggest that you call her or invite her over and tell her exactly what you told us in your post. "This is something we've been working on for a long time and we want you to know that while we are excited about adding to our family, we know you are struggling to add to yours."
No matter what happens, she is likely to feel sad. And some days, it may be too overwhelming for her to be excited for you. At the same time, you all are family and I can guarantee she is trying to figure out how to balance her feelings so that she can be excited for you when it happens. I was always trying to manage that - I wanted to be excited about new babies, and yet I also wanted to hide away so I didn't have to face new babies. Heck, we've been done with IVF for a while but have not been matched and being with my husband's extended family, who have babies coming out of the woodworks was a bit too much on Christmas Eve. (I had to take 5 minutes alone to have a little pity party in a secluded bathroom. Then I went back with a smile on my face.)
Talk to her directly. I like how someone said not to take on the responsibility of how she is feeling - that is so right. However, do take a moment to ask her about her struggles. Also, if you are matched and have your baby before she does, may I suggest a quiet phone call or meeting to share your news with she and her husband before you go all public and happy. Some close friends did that and it was always much appreciated. That way we had a few minutes/hours/days to acclimate ourselves and get ourselves into the right mental place before the confetti started showering down from the heavens.
The fact that you are asking shows how much you care, and that goes a long way. Just remember, when your time comes, you are allowed to celebrate and be happy. She will adjust. But a heads up from you and your husband, rather than a parent or other person, will be much more helpful to her, in my opinion.
P.S. I know you said your MIL talked to her already. Do it yourself anyway. The opportunity for YOU to say something has not been taken away. Good luck!!
I'm going to be somewhat the odd man out, considering a recent post showing annoyance about people walking on eggshells, and echoing that you really don't know how she's feeling.
I'd contact her directly, either e-mail or by phone. While it may bother you that she hasn't reached out to you, you also have to consider that she's wondering why you haven't reached out to her since sometime before the beginning of December (did you have no contact over the holidays?).
She may be upset that you're adopting and they're still struggling with IF. She may be upset that she heard the news from your MIL instead of from her own brother and his wife. Your MIL may have delivered the news in a very negative way, or in a way to try and sway her to consider adoption when she can't/won't entertain that idea right now.
IMO now is the time to be somewhat proactive. Reach out to her. Remind her that you have news, that you're adopting, and that you know it may be hard for her to deal with right now. But reassure her that you love her, she's your SIL, and you'll understand no matter how she feels.
And I'd set the tone with MIL from here on out so she's not the one delivering this kind of news her way
Exactly this! IF is tough and everyone handles it differently. You should contact her and just give her a chance to tell you what's going on. Why not tell her you know it's tough going through infertility, and you really wanted to see how she was feeling about it all...You know...For her. I think if you involve her, and treat her with sensitivity, she will be a lot more involved when baby comes. I know it seems selfish, but sometime we have to work through jealousy/dissapointmernt before you can genuinely be happy for someone, and you don't want to ruin their special time, so you retreat instead. She may just be waiting to be in a better place before talking to you.
I had a really hard time when my SIL found out she was pregnant (after 2 months ttc, and at 39 years old!) but now I am so damn excited I get to be an Aunt. It just took a little time.