Hope?

dandywarhol · January 2013

How do you stay hopeful about your TTCAL journey? At moments I am very hopeful but then other times I am ready to accept that I will never get pregnant again. I'm struggling between these feelings. I guess they don't have to be mutually exclusive. Or do they?

DebateThis · January 2013

It's very, very hard.

Most days I am much more realistic than hopeful. Statistics and logic protect my heart.

Rachaeleigh · January 2013

I don't think they have too be mutually exclusive at all. We are complicated, as women, humans, and TTCAL ladies. Honestly I have no idea how I still have hope but some days I definitely do. Others, well...I feel like I'm delaying the acceptance that we won't have biological kids. I know that answer isn't helpful but its how I feel

minicheezburg · January 2013

Siggy

Mainly the want and need to have a baby was the only thing trust me I went through many stages of grief many times in the two years since our loss. I wish you luck and sending hope your way sweetie.

dandywarhol · January 2013

I am hopeful (and slightly certain) that we will have a family. We look great on paper as adoptive parents (and we're pretty cool IRL) so I do know that I will have a family. That helps. But the pregnancy thing is so difficult. For years, I assumed that I would have no trouble getting pregnant based upon my mother's experience. To find out that this isn't the case is humbling.

I'm not a spiritual person but I did believe in the universe. However, after losing Sylvie and then Evie I'm not sure I even believe in that. So the idea that "if I keep my hope I may someday get a bio-baby" seems pointless in someways.

I don't know. I'm wondering at what point do I accept the fact that I'm not going to have a bio-kid. (And I'm not just saying that so the universe shows me otherwise.)

I'm not sure I have the energy to keep trying month after month to get pregnant. Yet at the same time, does stopping mean I've given up hope?

Am I making any sense? Sorry to be so heavy on a Friday.

HopingforChange · January 2013

I am very optimistic for other people. I believe that the universe will give them good things. I know my screen name says otherwise, but I'm a bit pessimistic for myself, usually. I don't feel any sort of conviction that I will one day have kids. Most days, I don't feel hopeful. I see treatment as this sort of crucible that I have to go through for some really random reason, whether or not it results in a child. We're so early on, though--about to start the first IUI. In some ways, I'm terrified to begin, because when I'm cycling, hope can creep in, and then I feel like I'm setting myself up to be disappointed and hurt. Somewhere in this process, hope became the enemy. I didn't really realize that fact until I wrote this post.

ETA: And that is really depressing. I swear I am not Eeyore IRL. Happy Friday?

BootsOrHearts · January 2013

Hugs, Dandy. Hoping for something won't make it so, but it can't hurt either and it probably makes us a little happier along the way. So be hopeful and be joyful and try to enjoy every day.

Of course, that could just be the prozac talking.

sammer818 · January 2013

I do not believe the two are mutually exclusive. I think it's OK to feel them both...and even both at the same time. I've come to accept that I will probably never carry a child. However, I am hopeful that I will be able to have the family that DH and I dream of. I'm hopeful that my child/children will love me as unconditionally as I will love them. And that is how I stay hopeful in the TTCAL journey. For me, it's now more of a TTSAFAL (trying to start a family after a loss), instead of just TTCAL.

uneek1323 · January 2013

((hugs)) hon. I keep coming back to your post because I don't know what to say. I am all out of hope for myself so I don't know how to answer your question. I just wanted you to know that I love you and I'm here for you every step - even the hard ones.

KGS2003 · January 2013

I think as most of the ladies have said it well. For me it is a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am hopeful and others I am not. I have been trying for another one since 2005 and I have to say staying optimistic has been a challenge. I am not sure how I have managed to keep trying for so long other than the fact that I just don't know how to quit and the desire to have another child is also a huge driving force.

I hope you can continue to find the strength to continue on your journey to be a parent no matter which path it leads you down. (((Hugs)))

ellajune2012 · January 2013

rachaelhudson:
I don't think they have too be mutually exclusive at all. We are complicated, as women, humans, and TTCAL ladies. Honestly I have no idea how I still have hope but some days I definitely do. Others, well...I feel like I'm delaying the acceptance that we won't have biological kids. I know that answer isn't helpful but its how I feel

this is pretty much how I feel.

Smootiepie · January 2013

*HUGE HUGS* hon. To say I know exactly how you're feeling is an understatement. Before the events of the past week, I can honestly say that I was still incredibly hopeful to carry a child, regardless of the statistics that were staring me in the face. And I'm ashamed to say that each month, regardless of our MFI, I would still get my hopes up that the small chance we had to conceive on our own each month would be enough.

But now, between the marital issues and the zero improvement at DH's 3 month post-op (we've been told that IVF is our only option to conceive), I feel like I've lost all hope. As PP have said, I still fully believe DH and I will have a family (assuming, of course, that we can work through our issues), but I no longer believe I'll carry a child. In a way, it's kind of a freeing feeling because it's been something that's nagged at me since my CP. But in a way, it just makes me feel incredibly depressed...

/End Debbie Downer post/

dandywarhol · January 2013

HopingforChange:
I am very optimistic for other people. I believe that the universe will give them good things. I know my screen name says otherwise, but I'm a bit pessimistic for myself, usually. I don't feel any sort of conviction that I will one day have kids. Most days, I don't feel hopeful. I see treatment as this sort of crucible that I have to go through for some really random reason, whether or not it results in a child. We're so early on, though--about to start the first IUI. In some ways, I'm terrified to begin, because when I'm cycling, hope can creep in, and then I feel like I'm setting myself up to be disappointed and hurt. Somewhere in this process, hope became the enemy. I didn't really realize that fact until I wrote this post.
ETA: And that is really depressing. I swear I am not Eeyore IRL. Happy Friday?

I think this is the big issue for me. I feel as if by giving up hope I can start to grieve the loss of my fertility and move on. By hanging on to hope I feel like I'm setting myself for more pain and sometimes even feel delusional as if a more rational person would've have accepted after 3 losses of varying reasons that maybe I'm not meant to be pregnant.

But at the same time, how depressing is it to say that you've given up all hope? I tend to think of myself as a fighter and normally giving up isn't an option.

dandywarhol · January 2013

BootsOrHearts:
Hugs, Dandy. Hoping for something won't make it so, but it can't hurt either and it probably makes us a little happier along the way. So be hopeful and be joyful and try to enjoy every day.
Of course, that could just be the prozac talking.

I'm not sure it can't hurt. Sometimes it feels as if I'm just setting myself up for failure cycle after cycle. That's can't be good for one's soul. I am working on enjoying the present and trying to find the good in each day. Perhaps for me in order to best see that good I need to let go of unrealistic expectations. (just thinking outloud [can you think outloud on teh interwebz?])

dandywarhol · January 2013

DebateThis:
It's very, very hard.
Most days I am much more realistic than hopeful. Statistics and logic protect my heart.

It is interesting how we choose to cope and protect ourselves from further hurt.

dandywarhol · January 2013

RosiePeare:
I struggle with this, too, dandy. I imagine most of us do. I don't know that they are mutually exclusive. I only know pieces of your journey, but I think it depends on what you're hopeful about. If it's about getting pregnant, that's tough--I often don't believe I will ever carry a biological child to term. If it's about having a family, that's a bit different--there are so many avenues to that place that I feel like I can be more hopeful in terms of that goal. Does that make sense?
I'm so sorry that you're struggling, though. Many hugs.

Yes, it makes sense. I am surprised to hear so many of you say that you struggle with hope. Many you come across as very confident in your TTCAL journey. I hate that we are all here struggling with these issues.

dandywarhol · January 2013

rachaelhudson:
I don't think they have too be mutually exclusive at all. We are complicated, as women, humans, and TTCAL ladies. Honestly I have no idea how I still have hope but some days I definitely do. Others, well...I feel like I'm delaying the acceptance that we won't have biological kids. I know that answer isn't helpful but its how I feel

Sharing how you feel is helpful. It helps the rest of us know that we aren't alone in our questioning and struggles. {{hugs}}

dandywarhol · January 2013

minicheezburg:
Siggy
Mainly the want and need to have a baby was the only thing trust me I went through many stages of grief many times in the two years since our loss. I wish you luck and sending hope your way sweetie.

Thank you. It is nice hearing the success stories for others who have had a long journey to motherhood. H&H to you!

dandywarhol · January 2013

wickedsugar:
Aww Dandy.. There is so much I want to say to you, but I am on my phone, on the way to work, but tonight or this weekend I will PM you, I almost feel like, other than different losses, I said the same thing a while back..

Looking forward to it.

dandywarhol · January 2013

sammer818:
I do not believe the two are mutually exclusive. I think it's OK to feel them both...and even both at the same time. I've come to accept that I will probably never carry a child. However, I am hopeful that I will be able to have the family that DH and I dream of. I'm hopeful that my child/children will love me as unconditionally as I will love them. And that is how I stay hopeful in the TTCAL journey. For me, it's now more of a TTSAFAL (trying to start a family after a loss), instead of just TTCAL.

I think we need to begin a TTSAFAL board! It sounds like there are many of us in a similar situation. {{hugs}}

dandywarhol · January 2013

uneek1323:
((hugs)) hon. I keep coming back to your post because I don't know what to say. I am all out of hope for myself so I don't know how to answer your question. I just wanted you to know that I love you and I'm here for you every step - even the hard ones.

Thank you. {{hugs}} I don't know what to say either!

dandywarhol · January 2013

KGS2003:
I think as most of the ladies have said it well. For me it is a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am hopeful and others I am not. I have been trying for another one since 2005 and I have to say staying optimistic has been a challenge. I am not sure how I have managed to keep trying for so long other than the fact that I just don't know how to quit and the desire to have another child is also a huge driving force.
I hope you can continue to find the strength to continue on your journey to be a parent no matter which path it leads you down. (((Hugs)))

Staying optimistic is a challenge. That's one of the things I'm struggling with. After all we (TTCALers) have been through finding the strength to stay on the happy side can be daunting sometimes.

dandywarhol · January 2013

Bookshelves:
I hope you don't mind that I am replying here, but your post and your story have really been on my mind since I visited your blog. (We have been TTC almost a year, but I've only been on the TTCAL board since my first loss in August.) You posted on your blog about a woman who kissed her fingers and touched Sylvie's footprints on your t-shirt during the half marathon last year, and how you think she must have been through something similar. I think it is such a beautiful gesture that you raced in the shirts, and it shows how you never know who are you are touching through this journey. I also know from your blog that you aren't super-religious (and neither am I), but I can't help but feel that someone who has been through so much and put so much good into the world will eventually get her reward, in whatever form it comes. I guess that is faith? I don't think your feelings need to be mutually exclusive, but I hope you at least feel the embraces of everyone here.

Aww, thank you for your kind words. I do feel the embraces of everyone here and feel lucky to be surrounded by so many kind and thoughtful women. I think it really speaks to the strength of you all, even with all we've been through you are still willing to reach out and help those in need.

I appreciate what you said about faith. It might sound narcissistic but I've had similar thoughts, like I'm pretty sure I'm a good person trying to do good things for the world so why is this path do difficult? I know there are lessons to be learned in everything and sh*tty things happen to good people. sigh. Pretty heavy stuff.

JennOH85 · January 2013

hugs to you, dandy. I'm going to be the total nerd that quotes Batman here, but to me, there is no true despair without hope and that's the most heartbreaking part of all. It's the hope that makes the disappointment so crushing, so I absolutely understand where you're coming from here. I think it's natural to struggle between those feelings.

I haven't given up hope that I will have a family. As for how we'll get there, that I'm not sure of anymore. I try to focus on how much I love my husband and how blessed we've been in other areas of our lives. What else gives me hope? All of you. I know I'm not alone and neither are you, dandy. No matter what happens, you've got a safe spot to land here.

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