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Blended Families
NEW HERE intro.
My name is Tiffany I have a 5yr old daughter with my X husband we got divorced in 2010 and before that the divorce took 2 years to be final. My situation is like no one I have ever met.
I pay child support every month to him and he has her most of the time. (Not by Choice.) Its unreal how you can go in to court a good person and a well paid attorney will destroy you to the point you lose you baby girl. I now have a boyfriend of 3 years who my daughter loves and a baby boy who is 6mo. old. Every day that goes by is a struggle knowing I am missing a very important member of my family, Because of a spiteful heartless person he is I had to take him to court just to talk to her every other day. and my nine days of month is taking n effect on my daughter.
He has been neglecting her medical and hygienic needs and getting her back with pneumonia and ear infections is a norm. I have no where to turn and automatically people think I am a bad person or did something not to have primary custody. But in reality its not about the best interest of the child, its about who has a better attorney. I am hoping to find someone who has to deal with the hurt, pain, and suffering I deal with and could help out with this everyday struggle.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NEW HERE intro.
If it's not too personal, we might better understand your situation if you shed some light on your divorce situation. What was the court's reasoning on why you should not have at least 50/50 custody? What is your current visitation schedule and how long has it been this way? Do you currently have an attorney? If you are concerned, why have you not gone back to court or attempted to modify the CO? Or have you? Is distance a deciding factor?
Just trying to better understand your situation. We do offer a lot of support here, but wd also offer a lot of reality checks, wanted or not.
Interesting. I do think that answers like this are why it would be SO MUCH HARDER to be a non custodial mom than a non custodial dad. No one ever asks Dads why they don't have custody or what they did wrong to lose at least 50/50 custody. To OP...it sounds like a difficult situation. 9 days a month is a little more than standard visitation. Do you take your daughter to the doctor and are you involved in her health care? Recurrent illnesses are a reality of blended family situations sometimes. I hope you are able to get some support here.
When you say her needs are being neglected...is it just her illnesses or is he behind on imunizations and doesn't take her for regular checkups? I do agree that reoccurant illnesses are a reality of blended familes though if she had pnumonia on a regular basis I would be concerned.
I did not mean for my question to be taken any way other than face value. Sorry if I don't cop to the whole "I am a good person" and "he is heartless" routine. I never questioned whether or not the OP was a shoddy person or mother or whatever. I just thought maybe we would have more to offer if we knew more about it. That's why I said, "If it's not too personal." I wasn't demanding an answer, and I would not think any less if there were no answers.
Welcome! I have found this board to give great advice, and reality checks when needed.
I'm sorry you are in the custody situation with your DD that you are in - I imagine that must be hard. I would like to echo PP and ask what all went on to make it so you do not have 50/50.
The free lawyer I finally got to consult with for five minutes basically told me if I didn't have a chance at full custody and if he fought me he would win. He has a good job, lots of family support, plenty of money, a good lawyer, a car, the apartment the kids had always lived in. I had no money, he took my car and apartment, no employment history because I was a SAHM, and I was a full time student with no way to get them to and from activites and daycare, also my family lived hours away and I only had minimal support from friends here.
Nevermind that the kids had never taken a bath without me running it, gone to a doctor appointment without me making it. Nevermind that their dad had never made them a meal or walked the floors with them in the middle of the night or helped raise them in any way. He had a job, money, the car and apartment bullied away from me, and family support, so he would win a court battle.
I ended up agreeing to 50/50 even though he didn't deserve it, because I didn't want to risk losing them. We do okay now, over a year later, but it was hard for me to let go of that resentment and coparent with him. And thankfully he has stepped up as a dad in most ways.
I can imagine how you feel being bullied out of custody if that is what happened. Unfortunately sometimes the better lawyer wins, not the better person. I know that from experience. The only advice I have is to save up some and get a lawyer, go for 50/50, try to at least prove you are a suitable coparent if you can't prove what you are assuming is neglect in his home.
I have to agree with ambrvan the above points. More info helps us help you. This isn't about BD being the primary caregiver and the mom being the non-custodial parent. I would ask DH the same things (we have SD every weekend) if SD came to us sick all the time - "What are we going to do?" SD is rarely clean. SD bathes Friday, Saturday and Sunday with us, but usually only on Wednesdays with BM. Getting a CO to mandate bath daily (or at least Tue & Thur) is on our list for the next time we go to court. Every BF has issues. We try to support one another in dealing with the issues and offer suggestions from our personal experiences.
So - have you contacted an attorney? Are you documenting her illnesses? I assume that you have her treated, so medical records are on your side. Have you looked into what is causing the reoccurrence of the pneumonia?
SimpleJane-
When I wanted to try for 50/50 all year the referee told me that that's not routine enough for the child therefore not in the best interest of her. when she now has to get up at 5am go to day care have day care drop her off when I am more than abe to take her myself and watch her while he works.
lookame3639-
I was always the one to take her when we were together she has not been to the dentist in 2 year, never takes her to the dr. because his insurance makes him pay 2,000 before they start to cover it! to I am left to take her when I have her which has to be to urgent care because I don't get her till 6 and on the weekends. every time I get her she's sick! she needed to be on a nebulizer and he would not give her the treatments or return the nebulizer to me because he feels she don't need it
I'm also in a state that doesn't often order 50/50. If we hadn't agreed to it amongst ourselves they would have ordered one of us primary custody.
Just keep documenting all of the things that he is doing that seem neglectful. Get yourself in a position that will make you look like the most suitable parent, and eventually try for full custody.
As for the trying to modify child support thing, you still have to provide for your daughter whether she's with you or not. Pay your child support, get a job if you have to, its your responsibility.
If I were you and was serious about trying to get my kid back I would be working my azz off trying to save to get a good lawyer. A steady job also looks good in court and makes you look responsible.
It doesn't matter if you you stay home. You still have to support your child. Obviously if you have tried 3 times to modify support, then the court thinks you are paying the appropriate amount.
Just a thought, and I may be completely wrong. I would not think that Dad moving out on his own would look unstable to any court. I would think it would show responsibility and stepping up toward something better, whether or not that is actually the case. Unless he was moving into a one bedroom place, moving in with multiple other people, or the environment was unfit or habitation, I would not think it would do much for your case. But like I said, I could be wrong.
Personally, if it is financially feasible, I would continue trying for 50/50, or sole custosy with goal to settle on 50/50. I stress mediation, not because I am a fan of it or because it works but because if leave out the "I am taking you to court!" comments, I think it makes you look better. Makes it look like you want a good solution for all.
Other than that, keep documenting EVERYTHING! Get all conversations in text or email, not phone or person if possible. Keep times and dates recorded. Record any extra time xH gives up per his own choice and the reason. And talk to your physician about the cause of constant reoccurring illnesses. I know our pediatrician played a huge part in our case. Ours was more than just a custody battle, but our pedi was our best friend during that time and still is.
Even though you don't have your daughter during normal doctor hours, as her mother you can still request a copy of her medical records and should be able to request notification of treatment and exams. Just take them the birth certificate, your ID, and your CO. In your state it may be different, it can be done here in TN, and a lot of people do not know that. There are, however, certain things that even parents cannot be told without the child's permission due to privacy laws.
Good luck to you.