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Blended Families
ambrvan
member
FFFC
ambrvan
member
I know it's early, but here goes.
I do not have the patience a mother should have. Every other mom I know can put up with things I can't. DH can put up a whole lot more than I can. It's more than halfway a personal problem, me expecting too much from the 3holidays and 6 year old. But the other quarter of the problem I would say is lack of discipline. Right now I am the bread winner, DH is the primary parent at the moment, and ILs take of them whem DH is in school. No one likes order the way I do. I was raised strict, and everyone expected more from me than my age dictated but I excelled to higher expectations of that sort.
I realize my children are not me, but it really grinds my gears when I bedtime rolls around, I say something about it nicely, and everyone including DH stays in place. So I say it more directly, and the kids look at me and sit down where they are or look over at whatever DH is busy doing as if theu are groasly interested. So then I get mad and everyone goes to mad sorely. I don't want to end the day on those notes, and starting the day is just the same.
It is to the point that I either want to work all the time or be home all the time, but not both. Unfortunately, home is not an option, nor am I cut out for that life.
Just kind of venting, but really, and advice on how to look at things differently or patience practices would be great. Since obviously talking until I am blue in the face about how we all need to be on the same page is not making ANY changes. Everyone just says, lighten up. Let them be kids.
I do not have the patience a mother should have. Every other mom I know can put up with things I can't. DH can put up a whole lot more than I can. It's more than halfway a personal problem, me expecting too much from the 3holidays and 6 year old. But the other quarter of the problem I would say is lack of discipline. Right now I am the bread winner, DH is the primary parent at the moment, and ILs take of them whem DH is in school. No one likes order the way I do. I was raised strict, and everyone expected more from me than my age dictated but I excelled to higher expectations of that sort.
I realize my children are not me, but it really grinds my gears when I bedtime rolls around, I say something about it nicely, and everyone including DH stays in place. So I say it more directly, and the kids look at me and sit down where they are or look over at whatever DH is busy doing as if theu are groasly interested. So then I get mad and everyone goes to mad sorely. I don't want to end the day on those notes, and starting the day is just the same.
It is to the point that I either want to work all the time or be home all the time, but not both. Unfortunately, home is not an option, nor am I cut out for that life.
Just kind of venting, but really, and advice on how to look at things differently or patience practices would be great. Since obviously talking until I am blue in the face about how we all need to be on the same page is not making ANY changes. Everyone just says, lighten up. Let them be kids.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FFFC
Have you been this blunt as how you don't feel like part of your home? I think that might get through to him.
I definitely think you should talk with YH. Every now and then DH will be zoned out with the kids watching TV or playing on the computer while the kids are playing or watching cartoons. But we both know when it's time for the kids to go to bed so I would be extremely irritated if I had to parent DH as well as the kids.
The only other suggestion I have is just walking away. Go grab a book and a glass of wine or something. Let him get the kids bathed and then you come by and say goodnight or read a story or whatever.
I refuse to parent MH, and fortunately, 99% of the time he doesn't need it. I'm all about communication but as far as I am concerned we both know when the kids go to bed, when the kids wake up, that the dishes need to be done, etc.
Here's my FFFC:
As excited as I am about this trip DH and I are taking in a month, I am starting to really worry about missing the kids. I've never been away from DD for more than 1 night, and even though I'm separated from DS a few times a year this is the longest I've left him.
I'm getting all sentimental about it, hugging them both really tight and giving them extra kisses at bedtime.. and there's a freakin' MONTH to go before we leave.
DD woke up coughing and crying last night and I had to fight the urge to lay down with her until she fell back asleep.
I can't admit any of this to DH because then he would start feeling the same way.
I'm so pathetic...
My FFFC is that I'm scared to death of the teenage years.
DH and I tease about it now in fun, but really I'm not at all looking forward to it. The kids are awesome and we have a great relationship and I pray to every entity possible that it stays that way, but I shudder when I think about it.
A Co-Worker over the Christmas holidays brought in her 11 year old and OMG it was incredible.Drama Llama - waaaaay over exaggerater (nice way of saying she lies about dumb stuff like Skyping Justin Bieber by accident).
Maybe their is a Dummies book for surviving the teenage years? haha
A couple small judgemental confessions from me today. I know this is judgemental so usually I would only say them in my head but today I am going to tell internet strangers.
1. BM1 is getting oldest SD a pitbull for her birthday. They have had 8 small dogs in the past 6 years. She gets them, the kids love them, the kids stop taking care of them, she gets rid of them and this just continues to cycle. SD has said she will take care of the pitbull (of course) and they have 2 other small dogs in the house. SD is 17 and may want to move out for college in 1.5 years so it is highly unlikely she will keep the dog for it's life span. I think BM is partially doing this as in incentive to keep SD home when she graduates. I judge the dog recycling and the motive behind the new dog.
2. BM2 colored her hair yesterday to brunette like me. It looks good on her but I don't like she has my hair color. She is supposed to be a blond. She will go back to blonde in the spring but it just made me go blahhhhhh for a second. I know it's petty! She also got SDs (12) eyebrows waxed. I must be old b/c I think she is too young. SD has fine light brown hair so they were not huge bushes on her face.
I haven't posted in a while (and have a new account) but I lurk quite a bit and need to get out my FFFC so I don't complain to DH. Hope you don't mind!
I love SS but the entitled teenage attitude and snark is killing me. 80% of the time we get along great but between the toddler, the first tri hormones & my stressful job I just need a break. DH asked BM if she could take SS for a weekend. She can take him but can't do pick up or dropoff because she can't come up with gas money..... Maybe if she put aside the money that she doesn't pay (never has, never will) in child support she could afford gas to at least see her kid. We'll drop him off & pick him up again because she would never see him if we didn't but just once I'd like her to take a little responsibility for the children that she helped bring into this world. End of rant.
OP, I agree with everyone. I'm very thankful that my DH helps me and yours needs to present a united front to the kids.
Flame Free Friday Confession
I read here, and would love to post more, but we are in a very very different place in our step life than it seems most are here. Our situation is not good - 2 second summary is BM is insane (clinically) and money hungry and has so entirely brainwashed the skids that they don't even like DH, who won't step up and parent (like SD tells him no when asked to do something like put a glass in the dishawsher and then she walks off) because he has only eowknd and cannot stand the tension when it's the only time he sees his kids (14 and 17).
The FFFC part, other than the above, is that I am grateful that the skids refuse to come often (or BM refuses). They aren't coming this weekend, and we are all relieved I think.
To everyone else, thanks for the support. For the most part, DH has always presented a united front with me. This has only recently become the trend since I have become the financial supporter. That is why I feel like it is largely a me problem. I feel like I overreact to things I should not, and after the kids go to bed or I am at work, I feel so low and horrible I just cry. Honestly, it almost feels like PPD all over again, but not as bad as the clinical depression I used to fight. I just feel like I do it wrong no matter how hard I try. So I try to make up for it with lots of I love yous and cuddles.
I see my mom in me and, worse, I hear her in my voice and words. And I know it takes a thousand I love yous to erase one bad experience. I don't want to do that to my kids, especially SD. She has been through too much to ask her to deal with that from me.
I just don't know how to stop myself sometimes.
Just to be clear, I am not talking about any kind of punishments or anything. I am talking more about harping too much when something is not done right or right then. I don't want to make them feel like they can't do anything right. Am I making any sense?
It's Saturday now, so flame me if you must.
We were at SD's volleyball game Thursday night and BM was there. She turns to me and asks if "we" (as in herself, her husband, my husband and me) are going to get SD a private softball coach this year.
I laughed out loud.
SD is 9 and plays slo-pitch rec league softball for 3 months each year. BM owes my DH over $1,000 in expenses right now and she works about 15 hours a week. I do not understand 1) why she thinks SD needs a private coach and 2) where she thinks that money is going to come from. BM can't even afford to pay her half of the $50 fee for SD to play ball.
SMH.