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Two Under 2
JulyMomma2U2
member
Worrying about judgement...
JulyMomma2U2
member
in Two Under 2
I had to tell my boss earlier this week, for planning purposes.. so, I know it's only a matter of time before the news goes viral through my group. Now, I know what will go viral is "Someone" is pregnant.. I can pretty much guess I'll be one of the last people they suspect, seeing as DS isn't even 6 months old yet! However, there's only a handful of us that it could possibly be... so, the news and accusations will be coming soon.. and that means, so will the judgements..
How do you handle them?
I'm just so worried about people playing into my fears... being pregnant makes you worry, a LOT, in general.. being pregnant with 2U2 brings up a lot of other fears, too.. how will I handle this.. am I doing the best thing for DS.. etc.. I'm just worried that others will start saying those kinds of things, too, and just make my worries even worse..
Loss #1: 18w5d.. D&E 04Mar03
BFP #2: Jun2011.. missed miscarriage. D&C 08Jul2011 8w4d.
BFP #3: Nov2011.. Our Rainbow Baby!!! DS Born: 15Jul2012!
BFP #4: Nov2012.. 2U1 - DS2 born 12Jul2013. BFP #5: 01Jan2014..3U3!!
My blog about raising 2U2!
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Re: Worrying about judgement...
Just smile and nod, and if you want to make them uncomfortable when they ask you stupid questions like "do you know where babies come from" you can reply with, of course I do, and since your interested, would you care to know more about my sexual techniques?! ... that usually gets everyone to shut up (I don't think this would be appropriate at work though!)
Seriously, practice smiling, nodding and laughing it off so the comments don't catch you off guard, you will be fine.
I tell people I'm in baby mode now and want my kiddies to grow up together. Which is the truth, I don't want to change diapers for 15 years!
everyone has an ideal family plan. Don't let them make you feel bad about yours. You're Giving your LO a sibling!
This is going to be my answer for people who are polite/close friends and family members. If they are rude strangers or acquaintances, I intend to ask if I can be nosy about their personal lives too.
For what it's worth, I was worried about what everyone would think when I got my bfp. Now I'm just excited for the positive reactions and plan to ignore anyone judgmental (ie my stepmom) until they come around.
You'll be just 12 months apart, too! This makes me feel better.. I was nervous at first.. then excited, like you said.. but, now that it's coming time to tell people soon.. I'm back to nervous..
Our 2u2 weren't planned and I wasn't entirely shy about that fact and got really good at laughing with others about it. I also got good at smiling and saying, "Yeaaa....", especially to the "you're going to have your hands full!" comment. Or I'd tell them I already did with DD. Either of those were usually enough to shut them up or change the topic. Part of being a mom, I've found, is learning to ignore everyone else's opinions and remarks and judgments and to just continue on with doing what's best for you and your family. You'll get better at that as your LO(s) get older.
My son will be just under 18 months old when his brother is born and I agree with what the others are saying. You just tell them that you want your kids to be close so they always have a friend. People have mixed opinions on how close together children should be however just in my life close is better. My mother had five children she had one every two years or less and we are all super close. My fiance and his brother are five years apart and completely hate eachother. They don't even talk. People are always going to judge but if they can't say anything nice then they really are not very good friends. I was on birth control when I got pregnant the second time and was totally freaking out. At first when people asked me why so soon after the first I would blurt out the story of how I was on Birth control and its not my fault. But now I am so glad they are going to be close. As far as your questioning whether you can handle it. You can!!!!! Don't stress because your baby won't judge you he or she will just love you.
Thanks ladies.. Though our 2U2 wasn't planned, it wasn't entirely unexpected.. I wasn't on BC, and we weren't being very cautious.. Granted, I was tracking my cycle, loosely, and just so happened I ovulated 10 days late this cycle.. Needless to say, we were surprised, but thrilled. I'm just not sure how I'm going to answer the "was this an accident" question... I thought I'd say it was a surprise that it happened so close, as we didn't anticipate getting pregnant that quickly... That is true.. We had hoped for a BFP around spring/summer closer to when DS would be 1.. We were aiming for the 18mos+ so I cold do vbac... Just so happens life had a different plan for us...
anyway, thanks for all the advice! I need to work on smiling and nodding and not taking anything personal... Because, that's my first reaction when someone passes judgement.. I get offended. Immediately assuming they don't think I can handle it... Maybe they don't think they can handle it.. But, in the end, I know we will be justtttt fine. Sure will there be bumps, yupp, but we will be fine.
Sigh, we shall see... Thankfully, I know 2 people in real life with close babies.. One 3U3 and the other 4U4... !
Honestly, just don't worry about it. Really. You are already nail biting over something that hasn't even happened yet. You are choosing to let this bother you and stress you. There is no reason (IMO) to develop quips and comebacks to things that haven't happened.
I really, truly haven't ever gotten a rude comment. Some people tell me (like they need to) that I must be "busy" or "have my hands full". Ok... So what? Most of the time they aren't trying to be rude and they just blurt stuff out. I just smile, nod, and walk away.
Maybe I just don't understand walking around wondering if everyone is watching me. Same way it annoys me when the AP moms have these lengthy threads about "everyone is looking at me when I baby wear". Who the F cares? As a non AP mom who does baby wear I have never ever noticed anyone looking at me when I was wearing a sling. Ok, nevermind, one guy did stop me when I was wearing my son and he was a HUGE chubster of a baby. So the guy was like "dang girl, that baby is bigger than you! you are a rock star" and that was that.
Our expectations drive our experiences. If you expect the world to judge you, every single look/comment or even compliment is going to make you wonder "are they judging? do they think I'm a bad mom? do they think I am trying to mooch the system and not do my work?" etc etc etc. But if you are happy with your family planning then just live your life. 95% of people don't care and comment only out of curiousity and to make conversation.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
my read shelf:
i guess I'm preparing for it because I had quite a few say some rude comments when I was pg with DS. In my career, I'm the youngest by far, and most of my coworkers didn't have children until their 30s.. So to have had DS a 25 and now a second at 26, there are a lot of people who seem to think I'm "too young" for this. When I announced with DS, I had multiple people ask me if he was an accident.. I had people ask me if I was sure I wanted to do this, etc... It was very offensive and caught me way off guard.. Outside of work I had all the support in the world.. So this time I'm fully assuming people will judge...
you make a good point tough... Why should I care. My husband keeps saying this over and over.. And it's true,I shouldn't.. I guess I just don't want people artwork thinking negatively about me... I've worked damn hard to get where I am.. Hence why I'm the youngest employee there.. They don't often hire FTEs who are just out of school (I've been there for over 3 years).. I Got the job because I proved myself capable.. Idk, even still I shouldn't care what they think.. My personal life s completely separate from my career life...
And, on the baby wearing comment... I get LOTS of stares, but never any rude comments.. Lots of people ask me about it (how did I wrap him like that, how do I get him on my back, etc) and I've never once worried about judgement there...
Thanks ladies!
Same boat! I still don't know when to tell work....I actually feel guilty about being out on leave. I need to shake it. Then I felt guilty for feeling guilty!
Im sure once the baby comes no one will have time to care about others.
People are going to judge no matter what you do.
If you had one child, people would judge you for not giving them a sibling. If you have a second, people will judge you for having two kids in this bad economy. If you have them too close, people will judge you for not letting your oldest be the baby for long enough. If you have them futher apart, you get judged that you waited too long and now they're not going to have as good a relationship.
There's not a way to do something "right" and have no one judge you. You have two choices. You can obsess over what other people think or you can choose to enjoy your life that you created the way you wanted to.
I can understand that you're insecure about this decision because the unknown is scary. Like having kids 12 months or 12 years apart there will be advantages and disadvantages. Many people have had kids close together and lived to tell the tale. You'll manage.