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August 2012 Moms
punkrockabye
member
ugh
punkrockabye
member
I'm really getting... tired. For starters, I'm not sure what my milk supply is doing. I'm thinking it's taking again for no real reason. LO is peeing fine and she has even started pooping more often but she seems to HATE nursing now, or maybe she just hates me [more on that later]. She'll suck/swallow/chug for a few seconds, then push off and scream. Move to the other breast, same thing. Then I move her back and forth, over and over, in all different positions. Same thing. As it goes on she'll take one suck and then scream. I give up, try to pump, get next to nothing. Usually nothing. Sometimes though, my breasts feel full ish. Sometimes I DO pump 2 to 4 ounces. Usually not after a failed nursing session, though. But if I stop pumping and squeeze my nipple, milk shoots out. Pump again? Maybe one drop.
I'm also worried because we took her to urgent care the other day [she checked out fine] and she weighed 11 pounds 7 ounces. This was the 8th. She was 11 pounds on 12/17. Yes, I know, different scales. And I never trusted the accuracy of the doctor's ancient scale that required someone to take a pencil and paper and do complicated math, so I think they may have just estimated. But she didn't grow much. So I'm most likely starving my kid half to death.
I've started going into the office to work a couple days, only 4 hours a day until they tell me otherwise [still mainly working at home, hoping they take me full time]. On the first day, my left side gave me 2 ounces right away, and the right gave nothing at first. One hour later, I tried the right again, and it finally let down and gave me 2 ounces. The next day, the left side gave about 2 ounces right away, left side nothing, then later the left side gave 1 ounce. I'm trying to pump only once during a 4 hour workday. But I'm essentially pumping twice. I do one side at a time, back to back in one sitting, because even though I have a double electric I cannot do 2 at once. My boobs are huge and saggy and I need both hands to squeeze the living crap out of each one. And to hold them.
Right now, I can get away with sitting at my desk and pumping forever because I'm in my own office, but I'll eventually be moved to a cube since this half of the office will no longer be rented. So I'll need to pump elsewhere, probably the bathroom, which is fine but I can't spend an hour at a time in there or keep going back to pump the other side.
Anyway, if I try to nurse at home and LO freaks the fxck out like usual, sometimes I'll thaw some milk and give her that. Once she only took an ounce, telling me she got fairly full from my breasts. Othe times she'll take 3 or 4 ounces. We use slow flow nipples and she seems to be pretty good at stopping the bottle when she's done. She slows way down, we take it away, and she's content. So she's not going to take 4 ounces from me and then inhale a 4 ounce bottle.
So I'll try to nurse, she freaks out, she gets a bottle and finishes it, I try to pump, I get nothing. Probably a huge fxcking problem, eh?
I don't have the time or energy to do what I did before for my supply. I don't even remember what I did. I'm going to give it a couple days before deciding whether or not to order domperidone. I don't even care what the side effects may be, honestly. Screw it. I'm going to make this damn milk. And hey, maybe it'll cause an oversupply and I can help a friend who has IGT and couldn't BF for long. She is trying to get donor milk for her 3.5 month old and has had it in the past. I have 100 some ounces frozen, which is awesome, and will last my kid a few days at the rate we're going since it'll probably be gone in a week.
But I'd really like to be able to feed my kid, like I have been for so long. Because it was basically the only time she seemed to like me. Any other time, she fights me, pushes off of me, refuses to snuggle, won't let me hold her unless I'm walking and bouncing and even then she fusses until I hand her off. She can't stand me. The only way she'll fall asleep in my arms is if I basically let her CIO while I hold her while she is absolutely beyond exhausted due to some random refusal to nap at all [which means she spent all day screaming and demanding to be held by anyone who is not me]. So DH gets nothing done because he has to hold her since she actually likes him, while I have nothing to do except stare at messes that need to be cleaned/put away, or sleep. So of course I sleep until he brings me a screaming baby and tells me to feed her, at which time I begrudgingly get up and stick a boob in the mouth of what seems like HIS child, barely mine, and try to feed her for more than 30 seconds without her pushing away from me nearly hard enough to leave bruises and refusing to eat.
I have no idea what is going on. Aside from her not liking me; she just doesn't like me, but she used to eat from me just fine. I could at least live with that, since there was one thing that I could do for her that she liked. Now there's really nothing and she doesn't want me for anything so honestly why am I still here? Of course I love her more than absolutely anything but I feel like she has no need for me. I feel like I'm just going to stand in the background and watch her grow up as if she was adopted and the family chooses to mail me pictures and updates. She'll sleep on DH, she'll sleep on MIL, she'll sit nicely and play with them for a while, and if I'm lucky she'll sit with me for 5 minutes before going rigid and freaking out and wanting DH to take her. I barely feel like she's my baby anymore because she won't let me be her mom.
And of course, after starting this last night, she woke up ate wonderfully since my boobs were extremely full. But it used to be that one side satisfied her in the morning and I'd pump a good 3 to 4 ounces from the other. Today I got maybe a half ounce total between the two. Then DH handed her back to me, swaddled and sucking on a pacifier, and I was able to get her to doze off enough that she fell asleep once laid back down in the RnP. She hasn't done that for me in WEEKS so I don't anticipate it becoming regular again.
I just don't know how to handle a baby who can't stand me. She is the most precious thing to me and yet she hardly wants me. I spent so much time wanting her and now I get to continue wishing I had her, basically. We visited the friend I mentioned above and that baby is all smiles, so happy to be snuggled by anyone, and she totally let me snuggle her. Meanwhile anytime DH handed Paula to me I had to hand her right back to him and it looked awful. And of course all she does is fuss if you're not moving enough, so anytime we're around family they keep asking if something is wrong with her since she doesn't sit down and coo quietly 98 percent of the time like she's "supposed to." I'm sick of being told that there's something wrong with my kid because "babies don't cry that much, mine never did."
She's happy being on her own for 15 minutes on a very good day. DH is never going to find a job since all he's able to do is tend to her, since she won't let me do it. So he can't even sit at the computer to do anything at all. Meanwhile, I'd love to hold the baby, but it seems like she'd rather have a root canal than be with me. I just lay here all day actually missing my baby as if she is away from me when she's only in the same room or the next.
I'm also worried because we took her to urgent care the other day [she checked out fine] and she weighed 11 pounds 7 ounces. This was the 8th. She was 11 pounds on 12/17. Yes, I know, different scales. And I never trusted the accuracy of the doctor's ancient scale that required someone to take a pencil and paper and do complicated math, so I think they may have just estimated. But she didn't grow much. So I'm most likely starving my kid half to death.
I've started going into the office to work a couple days, only 4 hours a day until they tell me otherwise [still mainly working at home, hoping they take me full time]. On the first day, my left side gave me 2 ounces right away, and the right gave nothing at first. One hour later, I tried the right again, and it finally let down and gave me 2 ounces. The next day, the left side gave about 2 ounces right away, left side nothing, then later the left side gave 1 ounce. I'm trying to pump only once during a 4 hour workday. But I'm essentially pumping twice. I do one side at a time, back to back in one sitting, because even though I have a double electric I cannot do 2 at once. My boobs are huge and saggy and I need both hands to squeeze the living crap out of each one. And to hold them.
Right now, I can get away with sitting at my desk and pumping forever because I'm in my own office, but I'll eventually be moved to a cube since this half of the office will no longer be rented. So I'll need to pump elsewhere, probably the bathroom, which is fine but I can't spend an hour at a time in there or keep going back to pump the other side.
Anyway, if I try to nurse at home and LO freaks the fxck out like usual, sometimes I'll thaw some milk and give her that. Once she only took an ounce, telling me she got fairly full from my breasts. Othe times she'll take 3 or 4 ounces. We use slow flow nipples and she seems to be pretty good at stopping the bottle when she's done. She slows way down, we take it away, and she's content. So she's not going to take 4 ounces from me and then inhale a 4 ounce bottle.
So I'll try to nurse, she freaks out, she gets a bottle and finishes it, I try to pump, I get nothing. Probably a huge fxcking problem, eh?
I don't have the time or energy to do what I did before for my supply. I don't even remember what I did. I'm going to give it a couple days before deciding whether or not to order domperidone. I don't even care what the side effects may be, honestly. Screw it. I'm going to make this damn milk. And hey, maybe it'll cause an oversupply and I can help a friend who has IGT and couldn't BF for long. She is trying to get donor milk for her 3.5 month old and has had it in the past. I have 100 some ounces frozen, which is awesome, and will last my kid a few days at the rate we're going since it'll probably be gone in a week.
But I'd really like to be able to feed my kid, like I have been for so long. Because it was basically the only time she seemed to like me. Any other time, she fights me, pushes off of me, refuses to snuggle, won't let me hold her unless I'm walking and bouncing and even then she fusses until I hand her off. She can't stand me. The only way she'll fall asleep in my arms is if I basically let her CIO while I hold her while she is absolutely beyond exhausted due to some random refusal to nap at all [which means she spent all day screaming and demanding to be held by anyone who is not me]. So DH gets nothing done because he has to hold her since she actually likes him, while I have nothing to do except stare at messes that need to be cleaned/put away, or sleep. So of course I sleep until he brings me a screaming baby and tells me to feed her, at which time I begrudgingly get up and stick a boob in the mouth of what seems like HIS child, barely mine, and try to feed her for more than 30 seconds without her pushing away from me nearly hard enough to leave bruises and refusing to eat.
I have no idea what is going on. Aside from her not liking me; she just doesn't like me, but she used to eat from me just fine. I could at least live with that, since there was one thing that I could do for her that she liked. Now there's really nothing and she doesn't want me for anything so honestly why am I still here? Of course I love her more than absolutely anything but I feel like she has no need for me. I feel like I'm just going to stand in the background and watch her grow up as if she was adopted and the family chooses to mail me pictures and updates. She'll sleep on DH, she'll sleep on MIL, she'll sit nicely and play with them for a while, and if I'm lucky she'll sit with me for 5 minutes before going rigid and freaking out and wanting DH to take her. I barely feel like she's my baby anymore because she won't let me be her mom.
And of course, after starting this last night, she woke up ate wonderfully since my boobs were extremely full. But it used to be that one side satisfied her in the morning and I'd pump a good 3 to 4 ounces from the other. Today I got maybe a half ounce total between the two. Then DH handed her back to me, swaddled and sucking on a pacifier, and I was able to get her to doze off enough that she fell asleep once laid back down in the RnP. She hasn't done that for me in WEEKS so I don't anticipate it becoming regular again.
I just don't know how to handle a baby who can't stand me. She is the most precious thing to me and yet she hardly wants me. I spent so much time wanting her and now I get to continue wishing I had her, basically. We visited the friend I mentioned above and that baby is all smiles, so happy to be snuggled by anyone, and she totally let me snuggle her. Meanwhile anytime DH handed Paula to me I had to hand her right back to him and it looked awful. And of course all she does is fuss if you're not moving enough, so anytime we're around family they keep asking if something is wrong with her since she doesn't sit down and coo quietly 98 percent of the time like she's "supposed to." I'm sick of being told that there's something wrong with my kid because "babies don't cry that much, mine never did."
She's happy being on her own for 15 minutes on a very good day. DH is never going to find a job since all he's able to do is tend to her, since she won't let me do it. So he can't even sit at the computer to do anything at all. Meanwhile, I'd love to hold the baby, but it seems like she'd rather have a root canal than be with me. I just lay here all day actually missing my baby as if she is away from me when she's only in the same room or the next.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: ugh
Mina did a similar thing when I designed costumes for a Christmas play. I was trying to get costumes made and going crazy with it all. I think she sensed it because I would try to feed her and she would go all BSC on me. I would give up and pump and she would get a bottle. It was so frustrating. I felt like a failure and it seemed like my baby didn't even want to be with me.
But, it got better.
After the show opened and my stress level went down she warmed back up to me. It wasn't immediate, it took a week or so. Mina is stubborn, just like me. I foresee some awesome fights in the future.
You have been through so much, there have been a lot of changes. Hang in there and don't give up! Paula loves you and your DH loves you too. It will get better. You are stronger than you realize.
As far as your milk goes, the only thing I can think of that she has become faster at eating. All BF babies eventually become very effecient eaters and are done in like 5-10 minutes. Where feeding Liam used to take me 30 minutes, its now 5-10 minutes. And I know he's done because I feel empty. Also because it'll be a couple hours before he's hungry again.
And as for her not liking you, I doubt that's true. It may feel that way, but its not true. Babies are so distracted! Liam never looks me in the face because there is always something better to look at, lol! I also think that what Lindsay said might have sometime to do with it. You're stressed about it and babies totally feel stress/nerves. Liam never wants to be held by someone who doesn't confidently hold him. We've also had days where all Liam does is cry and I just hold him through it. They can't talk and that is their only way of communication and all you can do is hold them through it.
These are just my thoughts. I hope that everything starts to feel better and work itself out!! Its no fun being the third wheel. I know your baby girl will come around!
ETA:
A watched boob doesn't pump. Try not to watch your boobs as you're pumping. I put on netflix on my phone and zone out. If I sit there watching and/or hoping I get a letdown, it doesn't happen. Stress TOTALLY affects letdown/pumping. I went through that with my first LO. I was so stressed at work and all I could think was "hurry up, I have to get back to work" that I worked against myself.
Mom of 2 monkeys and 1 on the way!
Christian12/06, Liam 08/12, Monkey #3 10/10
no advice on the BF'ing thing, but i'd tell your family to calm down as all babies are different. my LO screamed and cried a ton the first couple of months due to some really bad colic, and as soon as that was over she started teething so the crying started all over again. Aparently it takes some time for LO's to learn to manage pain (she's still teething, no teeth out yet, but isn't crying quite as often).
parents seem to forget how hard the first couple of months really are. don't compaire your LO to someone elses, each kid is different in temperment and management style.
DH used to be sad that LO never wanted to be held by him for longer than a few secconds at a time either. again no advice, but maybe its just a phase? our LO only likes to be snuggled when she first gets up, is ready to go down sometimes or isn't feeling well. otherwise she's not cuddly at all.
4/26/11 HPT+ 4/28/11 +Blood test! HCG 67 5/24/11 Blighted Ovum.
6/11-11/11 Non ovulatory cycles
12/18/11 HPT+ 12/20/11 +Blood Test HCG 165 12/27/11 Beta test HCG 6411
12/29/11 Beta 11264 1/30/11 Wiggler w/ HB 160+
Grow Baby Grow!!!! Please be our rainbow!
Rainbow Born 8/22, so in love with our little girl!
If you still don't see any improvement, talk to a LC, or LLL member.
I would make an appointment with an LC. A pump is never going to be as efficient as Paula, so pumping and comparing that to how much she's getting while nursing is not even comparable. Babies go on nursing strikes all of the time, especially right now when her little brain is going 5,000mph. I would insert a link to KellyMom, but I'm on mobile, so check the site out for what you can do until you see the LC.
Give yourself a break. You've worked hard at BFing and no one hates you. Relax. You're doing a great job.
SCANDAL!
Babies can sense when you are uneasy. Everything will get better.