The lack of following directions and lying is driving me crazy

echowysp2 · January 2013

I swear, I know it's normal, but come on. I will ask a normal question in a happy, mommy voice and get a blatant backward answer. Like "Did you have fun seeing John?" and he will answer "I didn't see John". He will grin, so he thinks he is being funny. I will play along sometimes, but most of the time, I just want to have a conversation with him and it frustrates me.

I will ask him to stop touching something, stop climbing on something, please go put your toy away, please do whatever I'm asking, and he pretends he didn't hear me. So I say it nicely. Direct him to do it. Finally, I yell and he does it. Or he makes me do 1-2-3 magic and get all the way to 3 then he will do it.

Gah. I try to explain things nicely. He doens't take it seriously (because he's 4, I know). I try to direct and he doesn't seem to learn.

I am not a spanker, but I can see why people might think it is effective.

KathrynMD · January 2013

when I start to get frustrated or annoyed w/ DD I just walk away. She is either not in the mood for me/doesn't want to talk to me and doesn't know how to express that or she's trying to engage me in a way that I don't like/don't want to encourage. If she's busy than its fine, if she's just trying to mess w/ me, she doesn't get anywhere and has to speak to me correctly to get me to engage with her (not that any of this works all the time, but you know. ... its my aim)

echowysp2 · January 2013

KathrynMD:
when I start to get frustrated or annoyed w/ DD I just walk away. She is either not in the mood for me/doesn't want to talk to me and doesn't know how to express that or she's trying to engage me in a way that I don't like/don't want to encourage. If she's busy than its fine, if she's just trying to mess w/ me, she doesn't get anywhere and has to speak to me correctly to get me to engage with her (not that any of this works all the time, but you know. ... its my aim)

Yeah, I need to really remember this. I've done the ignoring until he answers in the correct way, but I guess it just gets me down. I already have the mopey, won't talk to anyone, we're all stupid 14 year old stepson to make me feel frustrated...lol.

I've learned I can't pose things as a question, such as "Do you think it's a good idea to do that?" because even innocent questions are me with a YES! and a grin...lol.

NewFamily09 · January 2013

It's good that you don't spank, but what consequences do you have? A 4 year old is definitely not too young to discipline. He sounds like the type that time out would be ineffective for. I read a really good book recently that said time out is useless for most kids because it doesn't bother them. You have to think of "memorable" consequences, things that he'll remember how much he dislikes. Little kids need a lot of repetition to understand something, but if you think he understands and just isn't listening, you should have a consequence. For example, if I tell my 3 year old to pick up his toys and he refuses to do it, I take away his toys and put them in the garage for a week or two. Problem solved. Consequence for him, no more messes for me. If he refuses to brush his teeth, try putting him to bed with no stories- and if he has to cry it out, oh well.. he's 4. We had to put our son to bed the other night without stories because he refused to try to go potty before bed. He got so upset about it, but he hasn't given us a hard time since then. The talking thing would drive me crazy too. I don't really have any ideas for that except maybe tell him it makes you sad when you lie and that if he's going to lie to you, you'll stop asking him questions about his day.

echowysp2 · January 2013

fredalina:
Welcome to my life.

At least we're not alone, huh?

echowysp2 · January 2013

NewFamily09:
It's good that you don't spank, but what consequences do you have? A 4 year old is definitely not too young to discipline. He sounds like the type that time out would be ineffective for. I read a really good book recently that said time out is useless for most kids because it doesn't bother them. You have to think of "memorable" consequences, things that he'll remember how much he dislikes. Little kids need a lot of repetition to understand something, but if you think he understands and just isn't listening, you should have a consequence. For example, if I tell my 3 year old to pick up his toys and he refuses to do it, I take away his toys and put them in the garage for a week or two. Problem solved. Consequence for him, no more messes for me. If he refuses to brush his teeth, try putting him to bed with no stories- and if he has to cry it out, oh well.. he's 4. We had to put our son to bed the other night without stories because he refused to try to go potty before bed. He got so upset about it, but he hasn't given us a hard time since then. The talking thing would drive me crazy too. I don't really have any ideas for that except maybe tell him it makes you sad when you lie and that if he's going to lie to you, you'll stop asking him questions about his day.

I try to give consequences that are somewhat "natural", so if he plays with his food and doesn't listen, his plate goes in the sink. If he doesn't stop playing rough with a toy, it gets taken away. Stuff like that. I think where I fall down is consistency. I need to stop warning so much and do it. I'm not the "if you do that one more time" mom so much, but i feel they are little fires I am running around trying to snuff out. Like if I get them to behave at the table finally, they start making messes in their bedroom while I'm cleaning up, kwim? It's tiring and I get busy and lazy, I will admit. Time to get tougher.

I have tried telling I don't like it when he acts silly when I'm talking with him. I think he's too young to seem to care much. He will act silly during me telling him it bothers me. I think I will ignore him when he does it and tell him I'll talk to him when he can act more seriously.

VTbride05 · January 2013

Yeah, my life too.

"Can I have a ham sandwich and apples for lunch?" Sure. 3 minutes later... "I DONT WANT THIS!". Great.

I remind myself ALL DAY that I am the parent, I have to set the example, I have to teach him, and just to keep calm. Easier said than done.

I also find is effective to talk very very quietly around him. Makes him focus on listening a bit more.

GL!

stever · January 2013

I can totally relate and yet have no advice

la79al · January 2013

I think we have the same child. Seriously, if I ask my DD something and she blows me off (usually she won't even answer me at all), I realize that she doesn't feel like talking. Annoying yes, sometimes I change the subject to something I know she will want to talk about, sometimes I just leave her alone. As far as getting her to follow directives. I always said I wouldn't be a spanker BUT at one point, I was at the end. I had had enough of her completely not listening to me, not just not cleaning up her mess (biggest problem we have) but making another one while I was telling her to clean up the first. I said "1, DD you need to clean up this mess" no response "DD 2, if I get to 3 I am going to spank you" I might have gotten an eyeroll here, one of her most annoying habits. And here I usually warn her at least 2 more times that she needs to clean up but this one time "3 and you still did not clean up the mess". I walked over and took her hand, led her over to a chair, sat down, put her over my knee and smacked her butt. It wasn't hard at all, of course she cried like she was dying but she gets swatted harder when we are playing. And I haven't gotten to 3 since then. I will get to 2 and warn her that I am going to find a seat and she might roll her eyes but she will do what I tell her to do. Not a huge proponent of spanking but my DD apparently gets her stubborness from her father (I have heard stories, horrendous stories, makes me completely dread the teen years) and nothing else phased her. Taking away her toys means she will make a tent from the blanket on the couch or she will play tag with her sister or she will draw pictures in the carpet with her finger. Time out was a joke. I've also tried to change my expectations. I don't try to micromanage her as much and I really try to explain why she should do something. I also take into account that sometimes she is just bored and getting a reaction out of me is her entertainment. I can't help but wonder how much kindergarten next year is going to change her.

bunny731 · January 2013

My thoughts--for the first part 'I didn't see John'...he will grow out of it. Plus I don't consider it 'lying.' as he has no vested interest in not telling you he saw John. There is so much free association thinking and talking--- and imagination going on with 4 year olds this is probably pretty typical and not worth punishment. Or, while you want to carry on conversation about that-he just may want to talk about something else. While irritating--I don;t find that punishment worthy.

As for the second thing I normally get a 'no' to picking up toys, or instant ignore (my DS will listen but he does not acknowledge that he is hearing me the same way DD will), and if I give it a little space without repeating sometimes he will actually start doing it. So his words and actions have a disconnect. Sometimes I state the request differently, or get down to his level and it works, if not then time out-which is hugely effective in our house as a last resort.

echowysp2 · January 2013

Thanks for all of the advice, ladies. I will try to be more consistent and take things less personally. So hard in this job, but I need to toughen up a bit.

Mrs.JLC · January 2013

I am a very sarcastic person as is DH. So I took a different approach. There are times (we call them silly times) when I encourage DD to answer inappropriately. We have fun with it, she giggles, and then silly time is over. We limit it to 5-10 minutes at a time only 1-2 times a day. Then when I ask DD a serious question and she responds with a lie and a grin I remind her that it isn't silly time and that I need her to answer seriously. I only give 2 warnings before she is "in trouble" for answering inappropritely and I very rarely have to get to the second one. In fact, if I do it generally means she is a little wound up and then we do some exercise (dancing, jumping jacks, bunny hops, etc) to calm her down. She is REALLY high energy like I am so I am pretty understanding when it comes to abundance of energy causing issues.

Good Luck!

The lack of following directions and lying is driving me crazy

Re: The lack of following directions and lying is driving me crazy

Choose Another Board

Search Boards